For some reason I feel like making a list of my fears (things I'm afraid of), so here goes. in no particular order.

My Fears:
1. The dark.
2. Being alone at night.
3. Heights.
4. Making an ass of myself infront of people.
5. Car accidents.
6. People I love dying.
7. What people think of me.
8. Growing up alone.
9. Sharks.
10. Dogs I don't know.
11. Walking alone in the woods.
12. Swimming in murky water.
13. Being cheated on.
14. Ghosts (if they exist).
15. Aliens (if they exist).
16. Bad people.
17. Not getting to do things I want in my lifetime
18. Telling people how I feel.
19. Wars.
20. Roaches.
21. Not Dying, but HOW I'll die.
22. My Weaknesses.

Well, I think that's it for now...
I'm sure I'll think of more. I'll just add them in later. If I do.

Just another day here in Arizona. Another second, minute, hour...

Time is passing by, and I'm at this stand still. I feel like I'm standing in a river, and the water that is flowing past me, around me, is time. Where am I going? What am I doing?

John left today. My "Little Bro". I didn't get to say goodbye, I never even got to say hello when I came back. Everyone has their own lives now. And I'm still here. Getting lonlier as the seconds, minutes, and hours go by...

I don't even know what I'm thinking, or what to feel. I'm going crazy. And no one understands.

I want him so bad, and I can't even say what I want. or how I feel...

I'm Broken right now... Hawk is going too... And the one thing I meant to do today,that I didn't do, It's Stephen's Birthday (the "26th" even though its 3am now, it's still the 26th for me) I was gonna call him but I didn't.

Fuck Afghanistan, and FUCK this war!!!!!!!!!!! I give every member of the military that has gone (and is going) EVERYTHING in me that is respect or pride... I'd give them anything. But Dear GOD, I just want you guys to come home.

Come home safe, and come home now.

I feel like a five year old.

You know how when your parents would drop you off at the babysitters, and you'd cry and try to cling to them like it was going to keep them from ever leaving you...

Everyone I know here has a life, I used to have one too. But now I don't and they all still do. I don't like being alone right now. It hurts me enough that I can't be with Oliver. And I'll see them (my friends) but when it comes down to it, they all have to get back to their lives, and I am left alone... Again. And I want so bad to beg them not to go. Not to leave me alone, because I can't handle it right now, and I hurt too much to sit by myself and cry. Because that is all I do when I'm alone and I start thinking about how far away he is, or how long it will be before I can see him again. I just cry. And I can't not think about him, because everything I see and everything I do reminds me of him. But I never ask them to stay. I never ask anyone to stay.

Well, I'm home now...
It's weird to be home. It almost feels like I never left, but then I have all these memories. It hurts so much. I'll be fine and then a moment will hit me where I just start tearing up. I don't feel like I belong here.
I don't know where I belong.

I fell asleep listening to the rain last night, I think of him constantly and neither one of us is gone yet.
There is so little time that we have left together.
I pray that I'll be able to go see him when he has leave. But I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't get that chance.
I don't know what I expect out of the next year of my life. I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going ot need my family and friends to help me out. I don't know if they know that though.

It's our song... Fade To Black

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell i feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try.

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.

God...
I know I'll shatter

I went to the beach today (Extreme Beer Drinking) & I feel good right now... Earlier I was having a totally bad night. I've never had anyone throw my shit off a balcony. That's like stuff out of the movies. It wasn't Oliver. His room mate did it. I was so fucking hurt and pissed off when I realized it too. He threw my jeans, my underwear and my bra off third deck. I come out of the shower, hurt because he was yelling at me through the door, and no clothes to put on. I was pissed. Anyways I talked to him about it later. HE Had a bad day and someone else had pissed him off so when he came up to their room and the door was locked he snapped. I understand.
This weekend was (overall) good, crazy, but good. My arm hurts. I'm tired and I have to work in 5 hours, so I gotta be awake in 4. I NEED sleep. Today I made some CD's to play in the Jeep when I get home. All I wanted earlier tonight was home.
Caralynne's First day at kindergarten is today (the 9th), and earlier (yesterday the 8th) was the first time she swam without floaties. :) I wish I could have been there. I miss home...

I started to write yesterday, but I think I was already drinking when I did. Anyways, I ended up getting really drunk (drank for like 12 hours straight). So basically I got drunk, along with some other people, and talk about freaking drama! What is it with these guys since they came back from Australia? A bunch of stupid-heads! Anyways, people got belligerent. The OOD came by and other people shattered. Ugh! I hate seeing these guys like that.

So not much going on today. Went to sleep around 0630, and woke up at 1230. Still Fucking DRUNK! so everyone take a wild guess at what I did when I got out of bed....
That's right, I started drinking again! Hahahah! Cause I'm an alcoholic! I dunno, not really. Last weekend my mom says "Jonya, do you think you might have a problem?" I say I don't think so...I'd hate to see me if I did (by my standards) have a problem.

I'm not quite sure what I thought this weekend was going to be like. You know, his first weekend back. There were all these things we talked about on the phone that we were gonna do when he came back.
Only thing we actually did was sit out and BBQ. WE weren't even supposed to BBQ here, we were gonna go to Bellows and do it, like abunch of us. Supposedly that is going to happen next weekend.
I'm freakin exhausted right now. I wanna just pass out

There are always things I want to say to him...but I never do. Like we'll be laying there ~my head on his chest, I've never been as comforted by anything in my life as much as I am comforted by the sound of his heart beat.~ I just want to ask him if he loves me as much as I love him. I know he doesn't. I want to ask why it feels like he's pushing me away.

I know he leaves in a month. I know what he is leaving to. I am afraid. I'm not going to give up on "Us" just because he's going.

He's going for a good cause huh?
Hmmm... America (there are so many things that come through my head when I think about this subject, so I will pick just one) Land of the Free... Yeah, I can make my own choices. I fell for him. Is that really a choice? I think not. Maybe partially free. I am constantly affected by the choices of others. That is how this free thing works, right? So, free...but not free. The way I feel when I think about him leaving, I feel like a caged bird. Like I'm suffocating.
Sacrifices...
So right now freedom feels like a pillow over my face.
Something good has to come from this.
I know I am privleged to live where I live.
This is why. People before me made sacrifices.
I understand.


Courage is not the lack of fear, but the presence of fear, yet the will to move on...

~Nothing...and yet Everything~
I can't explain the thoughts that are going through my head. *song of the moment: "Whiskey Lullaby" Brad Paisley & Allison Krauss*
I'm so scared of next month. I'm Afraid of Oliver leaving. And i know how I'll feel if somehting happends to him while he is gone. Combat. I know what possibilities are there, and I think about it so much...
I wish now that I was more ignorant, clueless or even stupid. Because this, what could happen, knowledge is killing me inside.

"years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away a little at a time. But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind. Until the night, she put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away his memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees. We found her with her face down in a pillow clinging to his picture for dear life, we laid her next to him beneath the willow while the angels sang a whiskey lullaby..."

I'm so scared.
I think about how things are going to be back home. How things are going to be when I can't hold him while I sleep, kiss him when I wake up, I won't be able to just sit next to him, watch movies with him, BBQ, Halo, naps, phone calls. Just him in letters...thats all I'll get.

God...I must be dreaming. This can't be happening to me. "We found him with his face down in a pillow, with a note that said I'll Love her til I Die..."
No, this can't be my life.

Why?

YAY! he's back. I'm happy, and at the same time I'm shattered. In August he'll be leaving. I love him so much and I won't be able to see him in (at the least 6-7 months) about a year.

People never really understand what it's like being with a military guy until it happends to them.

So, Tomorrow is the day. I'm so happy. I hope I work the front counter again tomorrow because the day goes by so freakin' fast! This morning I had to work at 05:00, and when I was getting there I could see a bunch of Australians getting on a bus, and one walked past me and I go "you guys are leaving?" and he says "yep. We're heading out now." YAY!!!!!!!!!! The sooner they get home the sooner Oliver will be home. Less than 24 hours now. :) Oh Yay! Yay! YAY!!!!
I'm so happy. I wanted to jump up and down after I got off work because it will be one more shift there before I can see him. Oh I miss him so much. And, God, I love him more than anything. I can't wait to be able to hug him, and kiss him and fall asleep next to him... The whole time he's been gone I haven't been sleeping well. You'd think after a month and a half I would "adapt & overcome" but no. The closer it gets to him coming home the harder it is for me to sleep. I havent had a full night sleep in ages. The closest I came was Saturday night when I got really shit-faced and passed out. I was told that someone laid on me and I didn't even flinch. Even then that night I only slept for about 6.5 hours.
I can feel the lack of sleep killing my body. Especially this last few days. I dont think (besides Saturday night) that in the last week I've averaged more than 3.5 hours/night. and now I'm getting sick. It's wreaking havoc on me. :( I'm gonna try to take a nap though. Maybe it'll help.
YAY!!!!!!!! TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhhh. It's Sunday, and this is going to be the best week of my life. Oliver comes home Wednesday. I can't wait! and I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off! Woohoo! I'm sure he'll sleep or somehting while I work on Thursday. But I get to be with him for like 4 days straight (except for during work Thursday!) Hahaha, I should just call in that day. ;-) or for part of it. Maybe if I tell them soon enough I can get out of part of it or something.
 
Think so?

I'm still dealing with the fact that he's gonna be gone. It's so hard on me to think not just that I won't be near him for at least 6-7 months (possibly more), I keep thinking that he's infantry... I don't know how things are going over there (Iraq & Afghanistan) All I know is that once in a while I hear about people dying. I hear about Marines dying. Not as much as in wars before, but is this even a war? I mean, like do we say we're in war? I don't think so. I feel so ignorant.
 
I've lived in this country my whole life, and all it's taught me is ignorance. I think that is what's wrong with America. We're so self involved that until something happens to us we never even think about everyone else out there. Yeah, I think about my family, my friends, people out on the streets that might need my help (because that is what I want my job to be *FireFighter*) I used to want to join the military. For many reasons:
1. I wanted my Father to be Proud of me
2. I wanted to do something for my country
3. I wanted to prove something...That I could make it.
I never (before 9/11) thought that there were people in the world that hated Americans, I thought that was a thing of the past. My Ignorance. And when shit started going down, I thought of how bad I felt for those people who were losing a part of their family to go and fight this "war", this "war" that I never hear on the news about unless they are shipping more military over, bringing some military back, Some other country is pulling out, or someone has died. And for awhile I was fine with that being all I heard. But now...Now it involves someone I Love. Now it involves someone that I don't want to spend the rest of my life without. So now it involves me, and now I care. Go figure huh?

Last night I got some of the worst news of my life...It is most definetly ranked in the top 5. Although I am not sure what position I would put it at, the fact that it is (has started) happening right now makes it seem much worse that any of the other four, only because I have already dealt with the others and made it though, and if anything came out of those other four I might be a stronger person...but those other things made me who I am. In no particular order the other four were:
#1} When I got the call about Joanna being in the hospital.
#2} My parents getting separated(and eventually divorced).
#3} The call saying the cat I'd had since I was 3 was within her last few hours of life.
#4} Finding out I would need surgery on my Achillies tendon. 

So this new "news" to me? The love of my life...The man I would do anything for and give up everything for... mein alles... Is going to be sent to a combat zone.

My initial reaction to the phone call telling me this? Desperation. Derived from fear. I cried. I thought "why? why is this happening to me. Damn the Marine Corps! Damn this stupid 'war'. And Damn ME for thinking that my marine was not going to be sent away!"
My heart hurts so much. I cried for what seemed like hours but was not truly that much. Every minute that I am not near him seems like hours, hours seem like days, and so on through time.
With a little help from my mother I was able to slightly calm down. She's a smart woman and gives good advice. There are many reasons why I live my mother and this is one of them, but it will not stop me from hurting. It will, though, help me to understand why I must hurt.

I love Oliver. That was my choice. It was his choice that he joined the Marine Corps, and he is happy to finally be doing what he signed up to do. As much as it hurts me I must be happy for him and strong for him. My being unhappy will not stop him from going, it will only increase my misery and his also, and he doesn't need that. I should enjoy what time is left before he goes, so that is what I will try to do.
"The pain, it seems, will never end..."

I'd like to start writing more. Not that I ever have much to say, but it's nice to think that maybe someone is listening.
I have blisters on my feet from walking so much in the last few days. Since monday I've walked about 10 miles. Monday was around 2.5, Tuesday was about 5, and Today was again around 2.5. All this after being on my feet all day.  Oh woe is me. I feel like bitching right now just because I'm so exhusted, but when I try to sleep I can't. I'm usually a light sleeper, but since Sunday night it's been re-god Damn-diculous! on average I've gotten about 3-4 hours a night. and my body is starting to feel it.  I actually like the walking though. I like the time alone to think my own thoughts, and today I ran a little bit of the walk to.  I always liked that feeling, like when I wrestled, and I'd be so sore but coach made us push.  The burning feeling. *sigh* (bear crawls).
I talked to Scott today. Man talk about memories, I've known that kid for 5 years... has it really gone by that fast? It seems like yesterday we were competing to be the better distance swimmer on the team. Talked for an hour and 45 minutes, guess times haven't changed that much. I told him about whats happend in my life since I last saw him, how Jo's been doing (i think he always had a thing for her, everyone did), told him about Oliver and how much I love him (oliver), and we talked about people from high school, and one-hundred and eight!. No one ever understood us for that.  "bist Du neu?" we'd say to them. Hahaha! I wish he'd had a better day and that his girlfriend wasn't such a bitch.  I miss ya Scott.

One month exactly since I've written. It is a pity I don't write more. 
Oliver will be home from Australia within a week.  I cannot express on this page how glad I will be (in so many different ways) that he will be near me again.  I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cursed the Marine Corps for having taken him away from me and put him in another country for SIX damn weeks. 
As there have been many times in my life where I have thought of enlisting, this is not one of them. And the time that he has been gone has made me realize that I would not enlist under any of the following circumstances:
A) I was not completely single.
B) It was any other service that the best, if you know me you know the answer to this.
C) I had a job that I wanted.

I am not saying that good things have not come from this (his being gone).  I know now, more than ever, that I truly love him.  People say "distance make the heart grow fonder" I'm not sure it's that it make it grow fonder. It's just that once you are not able to see someone or hold someone, or even call someone you realize exactly how much you care about them.  I already knew how much I cared about him, I just couldn't express it. I think it might have been that I was too afraid. I still am afraid, but I'm not afraid to express it now.

Things were different with people I loved before.  Stephen (no offense to him) was puppy love. I was 14-15 years old at the time, I see that now.  Michael was (and is) someone I truly cared about. love? I remember thinking (the day he told me he loved me) that he didn't know what he was talking about.  We'd been dating for about 3 weeks at the time.  I was 16 and so was he.  I did not immediately tell him that I also loved him. I thought about it for awhile and eventually I felt like "yes, I do love him".  My justification for this feeling was "he is someone I want to have in my life, for the rest of my life".  And then there is Oliver. The first time he told me he loved me I thought "could he really care about me as much as I care about him?" I did love him, and at that time I loved him the same way I loved Michael.  Someone I wanted in my life for the rest of it.  But time has gone by, and things have happened that have helped me realize exactly how I loved him and why. He is not just someone I want in my life for the rest of it, he's someone I want to be with for the rest of it.

Some people might think there is something wrong with me for saying that. I don't.
yeah, forever big word huh? But if you read the definition of forever     n : time without end ...
Wow.
Really no one knows what forever is.
Forever could be tomorrow.