I think the hardest part about today is not knowing. I don't know when I will see Oliver again, or hear his voice again. Will he come back home, will he come back to me. The uncertainty of our future drives me insane. And I'm never strong enough to ask questions. Soon it will be too late.

It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.

I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.

I'm so exhausted.

Had a Fantastic dinner tonight!

Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.

I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)

I love you babe...

Today was the hardest day for me in about Two years. I remember when I was 19, thinking how stong I was. Before I'd turned 20 I learned that I wasn't as strong as I had thought. And today I am back to that. Learning my weaknesses again.

Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.

I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?

I have so many Unanswered questions.

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I... Had a bad day again."


And I swear there's nothing wrong...
But you'll hear me play that same old song,
I'll put you off and put you on.

15days, 22hours, 58minutes.

Had today off...
Sad when the highlight of my day off is waking up to eat a sandwich. Where is everyone at anymore?

"Days go by... Feels like my hand out the window as the cars drive by...

Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.

Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.

(Partially from my e-mail to 7 so I can save time & be lazy! hehehe!)

This weekend would take me forever to write no matter how fast I can type. SO I'll leave it here. Got off work at Midnight Friday Stina and Bitch were waiting out side. I was gonna go to Tucson right after work but didn't end up on the road until 7am on Saturday. I made it safely around 945am. For the Most part Saturday was a disappointment. Rain Saturday afternoon was nice though. And I couldn't leave Sunday because of the rain. So, I got to hang out with the Fire Fighter that I'd met (and hung out with) before. I like hanging out with him and his FF buddies because it really helps me out with my attitude about trying to get on. The more I hang with them the more I wanna get back in with the testing process. Jo ignored me a lot (Saturday mostly). Jes has always been awesome though and we watched a lot of movies together. Drove up to the Mountains twice (once with Jes & once with Chad *the FF*). Came home Monday Afternoon. Worked. I love working there. Um...Got to see Stina when I got off work (she was waiting by my car again). Got my phone turned back on today. Hung out With Melissa (we ate at The OG). Then hung out with Stina. And now, it's now!

Well I did my first serving shift yesterday. :) I had two tables in my section, and I think I ended up having Five tables total (at lunch)...Yep, Five tables. What do you know, it's my number, I just realized that. Well I made $29 in tips. Not bad for a lunch shift, and especially since that was off Five tables. I tipped out $4 total so I ended up with $25. Not bad huh? I'm happy. Today I work at 3pm, until... Who knows. I'm super happy though. It's a dinner shift and I'll get two tables again. Hopefully I'll made at least 50. That would be SWEET! Then I can pay part of my phone bill. Ugh I hate being broke. Oh! And I get dinner shifts Thursday & Friday too! So hopefully I'll be able to go to Tucson on Friday night since I don't work Saturday (Boo-Yah!)
I miss Lani. :)
Oh...Things I miss... The Beach, Nani, "The Guys", The E-Club, The Rain, "My Barracks", and (believe it or not) The Ki's.
I'm sure I'll see them all again soon. And I'll kick Robbins ass if he doesn't come see me. He Promised!

It's Friday morning now. Wow, this week has gone by so fast. I almost feel like I'm still stuck on last week. Like I should be headed out to Prescott tomorrow and waiting for a call back from The OG. But no, that stuff already happened. Today (in a few hours) is my third day in training. I love it! The people are awesome, and I'm excited to be a server. Really freakin nervous though. I've never served before...BUT they are doing awesome to teach me so far.
I got to see Lani today (technically last night since its Friday now) I miss my baby sister. I'm happy for her though. She's doing well for herself. Nick and her have a great apartment. And Nick is an awesome cook!
Drove home at 0330, got home at 0500, talked to Nani for about half an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I"m afraid to sleep, because I have to be at work by 0900. I don't wanna end up sleeping though my alarm. So I figure I'll suck it up for another hour and a half then its time to get ready & eat breakfast. And I'll just be tired through out the day. But the days have been flying by. So 1600 should be here before I know it. Less than 12 hours already... Doesn't sound so bad. Then I can nap after work. A little bit of suffering never killed anyone (or did it?) hahaha.

Oh yeah! Got a kitten. Fidelis. she's a crazy one, that's for sure.

I decided I was going to bed early tonight. I guess 630pm is too early. But I didn't have anything better to do.
So I fell asleep listening to music.
Then I had this dream.
I was on a bus in Italy with Oliver, and he said something mean to me, so I slapped him. Then he tried to get off the bus that we were on. I freaked out because I didn't wanna be alone in this foreign country. Then we're passing this town that is supposed to be really historic and really special. So we get off the bus.
Next thing I know I'm at the airport with Nani. (my impression of this airport was that I was in America, though it looked like no airport I've ever been to.) So she's getting on this plane, and all I wanna do is cry. I don't know where she's going. Then I'm driving on a freeway. ( Looks Kinda like the I-17 coming from Flagstaff to Phoenix. Steep and really curvy though) Even though no one is in the car with me I've been dared to go 70mph at the turn ahead. So I gas it...
Next thing I know I'm awake. Eyes wide open and heart pounding so hear it's hurting my neck. I lay there for a second. Waiting for my heart to calm. It takes a minute or so, then I look around. When I first looked around (right then) I was so confused. What am I doing here? I kinda feel like that every day that I've been home.

What am I doing here?

Ignorant people piss me off.

I started off having a horrible day. And no one seemed to care. Stina came over, we went to Olive Garden so I could apply. Then when we came back the UPS man delivered my new phone. Totally helped my day get better. Ran around did errans. Went and ate at Big Heng (Memories of my Little Bro, and Johannes). Came home, and now that I'm sitting here alone (again) I'm not having such a great day (again).

Seems to me, that it is much harder for me to deal with lonliness than anything, it makes the distance a lot harder.

anyways, as I said... I'm very irritated by ignorance right now.
I probably won't remember why tomorrow.
But, That's okay. I'd probably get PO'd again if I can remember tomorrow.

That's all for now.

For some reason I feel like making a list of my fears (things I'm afraid of), so here goes. in no particular order.

My Fears:
1. The dark.
2. Being alone at night.
3. Heights.
4. Making an ass of myself infront of people.
5. Car accidents.
6. People I love dying.
7. What people think of me.
8. Growing up alone.
9. Sharks.
10. Dogs I don't know.
11. Walking alone in the woods.
12. Swimming in murky water.
13. Being cheated on.
14. Ghosts (if they exist).
15. Aliens (if they exist).
16. Bad people.
17. Not getting to do things I want in my lifetime
18. Telling people how I feel.
19. Wars.
20. Roaches.
21. Not Dying, but HOW I'll die.
22. My Weaknesses.

Well, I think that's it for now...
I'm sure I'll think of more. I'll just add them in later. If I do.

Just another day here in Arizona. Another second, minute, hour...

Time is passing by, and I'm at this stand still. I feel like I'm standing in a river, and the water that is flowing past me, around me, is time. Where am I going? What am I doing?

John left today. My "Little Bro". I didn't get to say goodbye, I never even got to say hello when I came back. Everyone has their own lives now. And I'm still here. Getting lonlier as the seconds, minutes, and hours go by...

I don't even know what I'm thinking, or what to feel. I'm going crazy. And no one understands.

I want him so bad, and I can't even say what I want. or how I feel...

I'm Broken right now... Hawk is going too... And the one thing I meant to do today,that I didn't do, It's Stephen's Birthday (the "26th" even though its 3am now, it's still the 26th for me) I was gonna call him but I didn't.

Fuck Afghanistan, and FUCK this war!!!!!!!!!!! I give every member of the military that has gone (and is going) EVERYTHING in me that is respect or pride... I'd give them anything. But Dear GOD, I just want you guys to come home.

Come home safe, and come home now.

I feel like a five year old.

You know how when your parents would drop you off at the babysitters, and you'd cry and try to cling to them like it was going to keep them from ever leaving you...

Everyone I know here has a life, I used to have one too. But now I don't and they all still do. I don't like being alone right now. It hurts me enough that I can't be with Oliver. And I'll see them (my friends) but when it comes down to it, they all have to get back to their lives, and I am left alone... Again. And I want so bad to beg them not to go. Not to leave me alone, because I can't handle it right now, and I hurt too much to sit by myself and cry. Because that is all I do when I'm alone and I start thinking about how far away he is, or how long it will be before I can see him again. I just cry. And I can't not think about him, because everything I see and everything I do reminds me of him. But I never ask them to stay. I never ask anyone to stay.

Well, I'm home now...
It's weird to be home. It almost feels like I never left, but then I have all these memories. It hurts so much. I'll be fine and then a moment will hit me where I just start tearing up. I don't feel like I belong here.
I don't know where I belong.

I fell asleep listening to the rain last night, I think of him constantly and neither one of us is gone yet.
There is so little time that we have left together.
I pray that I'll be able to go see him when he has leave. But I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't get that chance.
I don't know what I expect out of the next year of my life. I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going ot need my family and friends to help me out. I don't know if they know that though.

It's our song... Fade To Black

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell i feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try.

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.

God...
I know I'll shatter