I think I know why I don't write so much.

I'm sitting here and all I think about is Oliver. The one constant thought in my life is him. Days go by for me, but they all blend together. I look at my 'countdown' on my phone, which really is more of a 'count-up' for me. I last saw him 163 days 21 hours and 31 minutes ago. The last time I heard his voice is 2 weeks and 2 days less than that.

That 'countdown' is the only way I know time is actually passing... Another day, another hour, another minute, it all feels the same to me. Same memories of the day before: Sleep, work, hang out, sleep, work, hang out.

I can't believe it's April already. My last solid memories were in Rhode Island, before that in Hawaii. I've never felt so NUMB in Arizona. This place was always where I thought I belonged, it's never felt so wrong to me as it has since I came back from Hawaii, I think I'd feel the same there though.

It's so hard. I have all these memories of him, I dream of him like I'll see him when I wake up... But he's so many thousands of miles away. I think of him and wonder what he'll do or say the next time I see him. How much longer will that be?

2:36am right now and I can't fucking sleep because all I do when I lay there is stare at the ceiling head on his USMC sweater and hand on his dog tags around my neck... I hate this time of night, no one around or awake to help keep my thoughts from wandering to him.

I dont really have much to write about anymore.

But hey! it's my Birthday on Sunday! Party at the Monastary Too.

well it's February 12th now, and seemingly this month is going better than the last. I still haven't heard from most of the people I'd like to hear from. I'm worried that I'm running out of time. My court date is Feb. 14th (lucky me...already hated V-day) After I take care of all of that I plan on signing my military contract ASAP.

wish me luck

In my mind I hope that things will get better after this month is over. Kind of how people think things will change after the New Year. So much has gone wrong in my life this month.

I’ve learned of the deaths of 6 of my friends this month alone. 2 of the 6 had died in December (Franklin Sweger & Brian Medina). The other four died earlier this week (Nathan Moore, Tim Gibson, and Kyle Grimes, Allan Klein) Some I was closer to than others. But all of them I have had good laughs and great times with.

How many more can I handle?

I’m worried and scared. And above all I just want to know that the rest of my friends are safe. Come home soon guys. Be safe, you don’t need those metals. All they are is something in a box that you’ll be proud of for a bit (if you’re alive to actually receive it) and then you’ll pack it away and let it collect dust. You’re already heroes. Don’t try to be one anymore than that.

FRANKIE is dead now... he shouldn't have even been there. 1/3 is supposed to be on MEU. For christ sake he's 24...

Frankie: I miss you, I know youre in heaven now. Thank you for what youve done. Im glad I had the chance to know you.

Lani, do you ever read these?

I miss you so much... I just want you to come home.

I love you...

Not that I have one but it's about time I put something funny up here.

Your Penis Name is: 100% All-beef Thermometer

Get your own Penis Name

Especially because it's Thanksgiving, I think everyone should take a moment and visit this webpage to HONOR THE FALLEN

I have a lot to be thankful for.

MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...

But most of all My freedom.

Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.

I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.


I miss you guys. Please be safe.

I can't explain the feeling in my heart every time I read the Hawaii Paper and it says "Kane'ohe Marine Died" I'm so scared, so scared, and I just want them to be okay. Whether its the guys I hung out with in 1/3 or the when the day comes that 3/3 is in the paper. I never wanna read one of their names.

Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?

Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...

Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.

One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)

Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey

I don't live in Hawai'i anymore, but it's pretty much the only newspaper I read. Sometimes I'm scared of what I'll see on their headlines. All my friends from Hawaii that are in the Marine Corps are either in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Kuwait. I know the guys from 1/3 are in Fallujah... And 3/3... Killer Kilo huh? Afghanistan, and I dont even know where there. I love those boys like brothers, and I just want Ollie to be safe.

Every day I read that paper and I'm scared that one day I'll see a name I know on this list...
Hawai'i-based Marines killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Jeremy D. Bow
Lance Cpl. David M. Branning
Lance Cpl. John T. Byrd II
Lance Cpl. Travis A. Fox
Pfc. John Lukac
Cpl. Christopher J. Lapka
Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina
Sgt. Rafael Peralta
Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering
Lance Cpl. Andrew G. Riedel
Lance Cpl. Michael P. Scarborough
Lance Cpl. Richard P. Slocum
Petty Officer Julian Woods

Please be safe guys. I wish with all my heart that I could hold Ollie again and just tell him everything I never told him...Baby you have to be safe and come home soon...

Don't be a hero

I think the hardest part about today is not knowing. I don't know when I will see Oliver again, or hear his voice again. Will he come back home, will he come back to me. The uncertainty of our future drives me insane. And I'm never strong enough to ask questions. Soon it will be too late.

It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.

I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.

I'm so exhausted.

Had a Fantastic dinner tonight!

Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.

I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)

I love you babe...

Today was the hardest day for me in about Two years. I remember when I was 19, thinking how stong I was. Before I'd turned 20 I learned that I wasn't as strong as I had thought. And today I am back to that. Learning my weaknesses again.

Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.

I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?

I have so many Unanswered questions.

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I... Had a bad day again."


And I swear there's nothing wrong...
But you'll hear me play that same old song,
I'll put you off and put you on.

15days, 22hours, 58minutes.

Had today off...
Sad when the highlight of my day off is waking up to eat a sandwich. Where is everyone at anymore?

"Days go by... Feels like my hand out the window as the cars drive by...

Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.

Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.

(Partially from my e-mail to 7 so I can save time & be lazy! hehehe!)

This weekend would take me forever to write no matter how fast I can type. SO I'll leave it here. Got off work at Midnight Friday Stina and Bitch were waiting out side. I was gonna go to Tucson right after work but didn't end up on the road until 7am on Saturday. I made it safely around 945am. For the Most part Saturday was a disappointment. Rain Saturday afternoon was nice though. And I couldn't leave Sunday because of the rain. So, I got to hang out with the Fire Fighter that I'd met (and hung out with) before. I like hanging out with him and his FF buddies because it really helps me out with my attitude about trying to get on. The more I hang with them the more I wanna get back in with the testing process. Jo ignored me a lot (Saturday mostly). Jes has always been awesome though and we watched a lot of movies together. Drove up to the Mountains twice (once with Jes & once with Chad *the FF*). Came home Monday Afternoon. Worked. I love working there. Um...Got to see Stina when I got off work (she was waiting by my car again). Got my phone turned back on today. Hung out With Melissa (we ate at The OG). Then hung out with Stina. And now, it's now!

Well I did my first serving shift yesterday. :) I had two tables in my section, and I think I ended up having Five tables total (at lunch)...Yep, Five tables. What do you know, it's my number, I just realized that. Well I made $29 in tips. Not bad for a lunch shift, and especially since that was off Five tables. I tipped out $4 total so I ended up with $25. Not bad huh? I'm happy. Today I work at 3pm, until... Who knows. I'm super happy though. It's a dinner shift and I'll get two tables again. Hopefully I'll made at least 50. That would be SWEET! Then I can pay part of my phone bill. Ugh I hate being broke. Oh! And I get dinner shifts Thursday & Friday too! So hopefully I'll be able to go to Tucson on Friday night since I don't work Saturday (Boo-Yah!)
I miss Lani. :)
Oh...Things I miss... The Beach, Nani, "The Guys", The E-Club, The Rain, "My Barracks", and (believe it or not) The Ki's.
I'm sure I'll see them all again soon. And I'll kick Robbins ass if he doesn't come see me. He Promised!

It's Friday morning now. Wow, this week has gone by so fast. I almost feel like I'm still stuck on last week. Like I should be headed out to Prescott tomorrow and waiting for a call back from The OG. But no, that stuff already happened. Today (in a few hours) is my third day in training. I love it! The people are awesome, and I'm excited to be a server. Really freakin nervous though. I've never served before...BUT they are doing awesome to teach me so far.
I got to see Lani today (technically last night since its Friday now) I miss my baby sister. I'm happy for her though. She's doing well for herself. Nick and her have a great apartment. And Nick is an awesome cook!
Drove home at 0330, got home at 0500, talked to Nani for about half an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I"m afraid to sleep, because I have to be at work by 0900. I don't wanna end up sleeping though my alarm. So I figure I'll suck it up for another hour and a half then its time to get ready & eat breakfast. And I'll just be tired through out the day. But the days have been flying by. So 1600 should be here before I know it. Less than 12 hours already... Doesn't sound so bad. Then I can nap after work. A little bit of suffering never killed anyone (or did it?) hahaha.

Oh yeah! Got a kitten. Fidelis. she's a crazy one, that's for sure.