my first pool tournament...

i've never entered one. it's 9 ball and i'm okay at that. not good enough for tournament. we'll see how it goes. wish me luck!

awesome

sitting home watching the 'gotta be something more' video from sugarland

I managed to stay bored ALL day Long...

so I did this.

1. What songs are you playing now, or wish you were playing?
‘Summer Girl’ Jessica Andrews – I wanna hear “Gotta be Something More” Sugarland or “Mississippi Girl” Faith Hill
2. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
Negative Ghost Rider
3. Do you want a baby?
No. My jeep and My cat are my babies.
4. What does your dad do for a living?
Works and Intel and Air Force Reservist.
5. What does your mom do for a living?
Accountant, has her own business
6. What is your pet's name?
Chewbaca (my older cat) and Fidelis (almost a year old)
7. What was the last concert you attended?
Flogging Molly – April 9th 2004 (I know, it’s been a long time)
8. What was the last movie you saw?
In Theatres: “Wedding Crashers”, watched “Calendar Girls” earlier today though
9. Who do you dislike most at this moment?
I don’t know… Lots of people I feel animosity towards at this exact moment, but I can’t choose
10. What was the last TV show you watched?
Viva La Bam (fucking love this show, two episodes back to back, second one is on right now.
11. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
My toe ring that I got in Mexico on the beach for 5 dollars (hahaha)
12. What was the last thing you ate?
A bowl of soup then an Otter Pop (yum)
13. When was the last time you cut your hair?
January (Yes, pathetic I know… thought about getting it done today)
14. Do you have a mental disease?
No, but Sometimes I’ve wondered if I have drank myself stupid
15. What is your favorite frozen treat?
Just vanilla ice-cream… (Breyer’s)
16. What's your favorite store?
I hate shopping, but I like Victoria Secret
17. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.

i'm tired

anytime i do something for someone else it's never enough... nothing is enough. i'm tired of it and tired of people. wish i could leave and start over.

'good times, good times.'

i fucking love hanging out with people i went to high school with. thats what i miss most about my past. high school and sports. wish i could in back. :(

WOTW

I haven't had a WOTW (word of the week) in a hell of a long time. But I was in the shower shaving my legs and I saw two bruises on my right leg. One on my lower calf and one mid thigh. I thought to myself "Oh my GOD! those things are MASSIVE!"

Then laughed cause it's like the 3rd or 4th time I've used the word 'massive' in the last day and a half.

So here... WOTW: Massive

well this sucks

so i'm at the bar... ladies night. and all my friends are talking to guys. not me though. chillin alone. guess it's cool. just sucks. :(

time

i feel like im running circles i want something to change in my life i want to break free i want to be happy and loved i want to not feel lonely and lost. how?

atleast I'm trying to keep smiling at things in my life.

No one I know knows the pain I have gone through today. I had a dream about Frankie (my friend that died in Iraq) and since I woke up I feel like breaking down. I know none of my friends know the real me. I wanna break down so bad and be comforted. I want people to tell me that things will be fine. But I know they won't.
Last night I had this dream, and at first I only knew it was a guy in my dream. We're riding in a big white truck (I'm driving) and leaving the lake going to my house trying to beat my roommates, so we get there first. I'm in the garage and think to myself "I left the door open" He comes in and opens it more *til this point I still didn't know who the guy was * I see him in the doorway. First legs and black gym shorts (is there a reason his shorts are black?) then no shirt... then I see his face and he's smiling... Frankie. He died December 16th 2004.

I just wanna know why this dream happened. I wanna go see his grave. I miss him so bad. I miss his smile and I miss him laughing. He called me from Okinawa... That was the last time I heard his voice. He talked to me in my dream but I don't even know what he said, I can't even remember his voice.

I miss him so much.

Circle Island... That’s it Frankie.

i had a dream about Frankie last night. Hanging out with him and we were having so much fun. i miss his smile. i feel so wrong today and i just wanna breakdown.

First the boys come back from Afghanistan, then I find my wallet a couple weeks ago, now my Jeep is on it's way to getting fixed... Finally things are starting to look up. I'll try to overlook all the bad that has happened in between each of these 3 events.

I want to move. I'm going to it's just a matter of when. I know it will be East Coast. I don't know exactly where yet.

I can't wait to drive my Jeep.

Oliver called me again this morning. I know he was drunk cause he told me to meet him at Dukes. Yeah, Not really a possibility since I'm in AZ. I've been so sick I don't even sit at the computer. Haven't slept well since Sunday night.

He told me on the phone that he was depressed and even if I didn't know it I was all he ever wanted too.

When I finally woke up this morning I thought maybe this was a dream. Then I looked at my phone. 4 missed calls and 3 that I answered. 5:55, 6:52, 7:04.

Why is life so difficult? Why are people so difficult? Or is it me that is difficult?

I don't want to be alone anymore. The things that go on in my life are becoming too much for me to face by myself. I used to be so strong and now all I feel inside of me is weakness, it's infecting me and I can't figure out how to reverse it.

Oliver called me tonight. I don't know what it was that made him call but I anwered anyways. Asked what he was doing he said he'd just got home from the bar (I'm sure he was drunk). He asked what I was doing, I'd just gotten home from work half an hour prior to his call. And out of no where he says. "I'm sorry Jonya. It's my fault, it's all my fault. I'm such an ass." Probably took him half a minute to say... Half a minute to completly break me. Instantly following his apology I burst into tears. After minutes of me sobbing silently I hear his breathing change. I can tell he's now talking to me lying on his bed. My thoughts in my head at this time are how I know all these little things about him. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat alone are the sole comforts I have. How I used to watch him sleep. Then I'd curl up next him and just listen to him sleep. Sometimes I'd put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. Used to be my favorite 2 sounds in the world...

He fell asleep somewhere around us being on the phone for 10minutes. And I sat there crying and listening to him sleep. I kept asking myself "why?" I have a lot of answers for that: I think because of how much I missed hearing it. This sound is no longer mine to listen to and I doubt I will ever hear it again. I was trying to hold on to memories of us because of how I felt while we were together. I couldn't stand to be alone.

I listened to him sleep for 40 minutes. The whole time telling myself "In 5 minutes I'm going to hang up." Tick-tock-tick-tock... Five minutes would come and go, and I'd tell myself the same thing again. It wasn't until he rolled over or something and I couldn't hear him breathing anymore that I hung up. I probably would have listened until I too fell asleep.

But now I am scared to sleep, afraid of the dreams I will have in the wake of the time I spent on the phone with him. I can't dream about him... It's too hard for me, but this my subconcious does not know. So I will unwillingly suffer though more than I have already been though.

Song of the Day: Backstreet Boys "Incomplete"
I had a dream about Oliver last night... I can remember it so vividly. Why does my heart always get broken?
so my dream: First I'm at the beach trying to surf but Christy and I are laughing at each other because We're having trouble standing up. I just can't pop-up on the board. Then it's time to go. Beach is full of cars because some kind of Ferry came in after we got out of the water. I walk to the house cause we gotta check the chickens ASAP since they are laying 7 eggs a day now. We're house sitting for Brian, but it's a totally different house (Mike's old house) So we get to this house (it's so different inside) feed Farley and go check the chickens. One of the chickens keeps trying to take the eggs from us. Picks the egg in it's mouth and flys to the roof. I swear it talked to me, but I don't know what it said. Then I'm in the house alone. Christy is outside doing I don't know what. I hear someone knocking at the door. I open...Oliver is standing there (of course wearing my fav. outfit. Plaid-ish button up shirt with blue jeans). My first instinct is to slap him. But I just stand there. He looks at me so sad. He says to me "I'm so sorry Jonya" I don't know what to say so I just say "why?" and he tells me "I'm not right anymore. Something about me changed while I was in Afghanistan" he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't sleep at night and drinks way too much now. My heart breaks. He is what I have been since last November. I feel bad for him.
But then I wake up. It is just a dream. He'll never come knocking at my door apologizing for everything I have been though because of him. He'll never be sorry for what I have become because I cared too much about him.

Guys like him are the worst. They touch you, look at you, and talk to you like you are all they ever wanted. I should've known... but I thought he was different.


Why would you look at someone like this if you knew you were gonna hurt them? He made me feel like we were the only people on the planet. I just don't understand. Did he know what he was doing from the beginning? Or did the things that happened during our time together that made him feel so bad he didn't want to see me. It hurts more that he doesn't even talk to me. I just need to understand.

Song of the Day: 3 Doors Down "Let Me Go"
I'm sitting here by myself made myself a glass of Orange Juice and I was thinking about how I have all these little quirks that no one knows about. More than anything I wish there was someone in my life that knew these things. The Orange Juice is what started it. Until this morning no one knew that I mix my OJ with Water. Now my mom knows, only cause I told her. I don't wanna have to tell people about these little habits I have. I just want someone to be around enough to notice them.

The pain I have gone through in the last year was so unbearable at first, now I know everything I went through was in vain. Wish I could count every night I spent crying til 4am, the number of times I wasted my breath saying his name wishing by some type of magic he's hear it. Hours I spent staring at the ceiling thinking of him. No one knows these things I did while I was alone. And it was all for nothing. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want to wake up next to someone that is 'complete' because they get to wake up next to me.

i'm so irritated right now. been off work since 250 and it's 4 now. i'm sitting here fuming and about to slit my wrists purely for entertainment. why?

POTW: "I sho shoulda"
Holy crap I'm tired. Woke up hella early (for me & for a sunday) 738am. Had a great morning before work. worked a double, so now I'm exhaused. On my way home stopped and got a a 12 pack of Miller Lite (It's miller time!). So now I'm gonna have a couple beers and pass out.

I wish I could read minds. Life would be so much easier. No questioning. Wouldn't tha be nice?

DPOTP: "But I wanna fuckin' icecream cone..."

Holy Crap!!! Last night was crazy! I don't even know what to say. Swear to God I had the best Orgasm of my ENTIRE LIFE last night.

*sorry to anyone who's feelings that might've hurt. IF you have the balls, then you can call and yell at me*

It weird though. This guy does something different to me. Like, I think I've had two boyfriends my entire life that treated me respectfully. Mike was at first then he got his "God Complex" (as I like to say). I think he's got major mental issues. But anyways. 2 boyfriends that treated me like this. My 1st and 3rd boyfriends. And 8.5 years down the road, it's my first boyfriend. 8.5 YEARS later! I'm so scared to say something stupid and mess it up. He cracks me up like no other. Guys don't make me laugh like he does.

And I'm standing behind him while he playes a computer game scratching his back, and he says "God, why are you so good to me." He makes me smile, and treats me like no guy has in forever... Thats why.