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Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Do you ever get so lost you don't know how to get back to where you were? When I was 19 I knew everthing I wanted, I knew where I was going. What happened to me? Where did that person go?
I think it's everything I've been though... I look back and I think where my life started to go wrong was the last night with Michael. I wonder how different my life would be if that never went wrong. There are steps between then & now that have attributed to where I am. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm tired of so much darkness in my heart. I'm scared of Oliver going to Iraq because I care so much about him... I'm scared of going though what I went though while he was in Afghanistan all over again. I was afraid then because so many of my friends were dying, I'm not sure I've quite healed from that, I'm not sure how to handle more of it if I have to, I'm not sure of what will happen to me if I lose him too.
Where did the 'me' go that was so sure of every part of my life?
Where did the 'me' go that wasn't scared of the world or the things in it?
I think it's everything I've been though... I look back and I think where my life started to go wrong was the last night with Michael. I wonder how different my life would be if that never went wrong. There are steps between then & now that have attributed to where I am. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm tired of so much darkness in my heart. I'm scared of Oliver going to Iraq because I care so much about him... I'm scared of going though what I went though while he was in Afghanistan all over again. I was afraid then because so many of my friends were dying, I'm not sure I've quite healed from that, I'm not sure how to handle more of it if I have to, I'm not sure of what will happen to me if I lose him too.
Where did the 'me' go that was so sure of every part of my life?
Where did the 'me' go that wasn't scared of the world or the things in it?
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Tonight I Wanna Cry
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Saturday, November 05, 2005
I dont even know where I wanna start writing. I saw "Jarhead" tonight. I think they did good keeping near the book. Other than that Oliver made me a bear at the Build-a-bear-workshop. I don't think I have ever loved any teddy bear as much as I love this one. He is absolutely the cutest bear I have ever had...And yet, I am screaming inside. Do people see the signs? Are there signs? I don't know. I feel alone in what I am going through. I see this look already from my bear, which happens to be named 'Jarhead', this look though... I want to try to explain this and it's hard. Teddy bears are always smiling and he has that smile like he's trying to tell everyone that he's happy. But this bear can see into my soul and his eyes reflect what I am feeling at this moment. Dialated. Scared, wondering... His eyes are like mirrors of my mind.
I know already the things this bear will go though with me. No one else knows, just me. If a bear could ever speak of what they see in someone he would say how much I hurt, he'd tell all about the fears in my mind. Not that any of it would help. My fears are my own.
I look at Oliver laying in his bed and no one (in my life) will ever know how scared I am. I love him so much. I think of my life if something happened to him Over There and I already know that I won't make it if he's gone. I see him sleeping and I just can't ever live without that. I can live with him being overseas for months at a time, but I can't if he is really just gone.
I know already the things this bear will go though with me. No one else knows, just me. If a bear could ever speak of what they see in someone he would say how much I hurt, he'd tell all about the fears in my mind. Not that any of it would help. My fears are my own.
I look at Oliver laying in his bed and no one (in my life) will ever know how scared I am. I love him so much. I think of my life if something happened to him Over There and I already know that I won't make it if he's gone. I see him sleeping and I just can't ever live without that. I can live with him being overseas for months at a time, but I can't if he is really just gone.
Friday, November 04, 2005
looking back on what I went though while oliver was in afghanistan... Every day I have with him is bringing me closer to disaster. Every hug and every kiss is closing my fate. I'm gonna break when he leaves. I look in his eyes and he doesn't know the pain I am going though. Its already like this for me because I know what is going to happen in a couple months. I've been down this road before. How do people live though this. How did I live though it? I think about it and I ache. I'm exhausted already.
I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.
I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.
I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.
I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Awww shit son!!! Jarhead comes out tomorrow!!! I'm goin to an early show, hells yeah. "I thank God for every day he gives me in the Corps OoRah!"
Welcome to the Suck
Welcome to the Suck
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Nothing to say. Marine Corps Ball is coming up soon. I really need a job. Hawaii is no different this time around than is was the last time. My "Island fever" hasn't hit yet, but it will. I'll be at the beach staring out at the water thinking about how far I am from home. But then, home wasn't "home" the last time I was there. I felt nothing but emptiness the last time around. And everything I did turned into a big fuck up the last time around. I don't belong there, I know that. Guess we'll just find out then huh?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
The last time I can say for sure that anyone ever brought me breakfast in bed was my 18th birthday... and it was my mom who brought it to me. I have made breakfast for boyfriends and brought them food in bed. Until this morning no one had done that for me.
When I opened my eyes this morning Oliver is standing there with a cup of orange juice and a plate. My first thought was "He wants me to move so he can sit on his bed and eat." So, I sit up and move over and he hands me the plate and the cup and says "I didn't know what you wanted in your omlette so I just put ham & Cheese"
I put the plate down and rubbed my face still waking up and a little confused. "you brought me breakfast in bed?" he nods 'yes'. God, I Love him... When did I get so lucky?
When I opened my eyes this morning Oliver is standing there with a cup of orange juice and a plate. My first thought was "He wants me to move so he can sit on his bed and eat." So, I sit up and move over and he hands me the plate and the cup and says "I didn't know what you wanted in your omlette so I just put ham & Cheese"
I put the plate down and rubbed my face still waking up and a little confused. "you brought me breakfast in bed?" he nods 'yes'. God, I Love him... When did I get so lucky?
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
so I'm thinking I wanna write a book. (my mom would be proud of that one). I don't think there are many 22 year olds that get that urge. But I am gonna start putting notes together for it. There isn't really any research I need to do to write it. So yeah... I think I wanna do it. I already have a title.
Sometimes I wonder...
exactly what is it about me that he is attracted to? he thinks I have a high self esteem but hes so wrong. I think sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted
Well, I didn't make it to the gym today... Good thing Nani woke me up at an Un-Godly hour to walk three miles (most of which was uphill). I have an Interview for a job at Red Lobster tomorrow. I really need this to work out.
Oliver is asleep already, he has to wake up at 1am for a 10 Mile hump. Man do I feel bad for these guys. I'm so bored waiting for a ride. I think I've 'refreshed' my homepage on MySpace like 20 times in the last half hour just hoping I have a message or someone has posted a new bulletin (anything to keep me busy!)
Oliver is asleep already, he has to wake up at 1am for a 10 Mile hump. Man do I feel bad for these guys. I'm so bored waiting for a ride. I think I've 'refreshed' my homepage on MySpace like 20 times in the last half hour just hoping I have a message or someone has posted a new bulletin (anything to keep me busy!)
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Columbus Day...and my necessity of MORE (and new) CARDIO (I can feel that already)
so I DID go to the gym and even though Im sick I felt great about the workout. I need them to be longer and I NEED to add SOMETHING into my rotation. but what?
Monday, October 10, 2005
My stupid cough got worse. I hate being sick I keep hacking up some nasty stuff. Took a day off from the gym yesterday I totally felt like trash for most of the day. But I'm going today. Not really been up to much went to the movies with Oliver, Nani, and Holloway last night. I don't know why I never have anything to write it's not like I don't do anything. Gonna go get ready to go to the Commisary with Holloway & Oliver.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
been kinda sick the last couple days
I hate being like this. haven't even been drinking dunno how I got sick. Oliver is at the rifle range til tomorrow. we went to the gym monday and he left Tues.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
So I'm thinking if ya'll have any questions (or are curious) about your love life then you should totally check this page out.
I came across this page which kinda predicts your future Love life with the help of a set of advanced mathematical calculations based on the concept of human psychology. It is extremely accurate as long as you have answered the set of 12 questions honestly and seriously.
I guess the site was developed by a group of renowned psychologists. Even if you're skeptical, just try it. after all, you have nothing to lose!
Click HERE to go to the website
I came across this page which kinda predicts your future Love life with the help of a set of advanced mathematical calculations based on the concept of human psychology. It is extremely accurate as long as you have answered the set of 12 questions honestly and seriously.
I guess the site was developed by a group of renowned psychologists. Even if you're skeptical, just try it. after all, you have nothing to lose!
Click HERE to go to the website
Friday, September 23, 2005
Hurting those closest to me...
They think they're closest to me but really they don't know the real me. Would it be so bad to hurt my friends a little if I get my own happiness...?
Thursday, September 22, 2005
it's getting sohard for me to sleep at night... again.
I'm having dreams about being in airports and not getting on the plane and ALL I want is to be with Oliver. Anymore I wake up all the time at night no matter how tired I am and I stare at the cieling for hours before falling asleep even when I'm exhausted. Why can't I just figure things out? What did I do to deserve this life that I am leading?
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I don’t know what I felt like writing... I was thinking about how it was when Oliver was in Afghanistan. The nights I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep, and the days that I pretended like everything was okay. The people that surround me in my life are oblivious to the pain I went though. I think back to those months he was gone fighting in Operation Enduring Freedom. That time tore me apart, broke my spirit and pierced my soul. I will never heal from that. The worst part is I know parts of me are different now, things I would never have changed in myself are lost forever. And he is going to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom surely if I have to go though what I went through with Operation Enduring Freedom I will not make it and I’m scared of that.
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
Monday, September 19, 2005
i wish i would have stayed in hawaii
the shit i go through here is just fucking stupid. i'm tired of stupid fucking shit. i hate my life. i wish it would just end.