i don't know when to

i don't know when to stop.

Don't ever fly US Airways. they dick you around and can't come right out and tell you why your plane is delayed 6 hours. Douche bags.
J-Dizzle

Brooklyn Bridge was amazing. I can't believe that it was built a century ago.
J-Dizzle

I love New York. Absolutely,

I love New York. Absolutely, thats it
J-Dizzle

Well today is the big

Well today is the big day. SKY DIVING. I'm so excited I don't know how to feel. It's gonna be awesome though.
J-Dizzle

What a disappointment, brian pulled

What a disappointment, brian pulled an "oliver" tonight. Got too drunk to keep his word. Fantastic.
J-Dizzle

Just in case you can't read that it says, "...I'm losing my mind without you. I love you..." How could you be the way you were to me and not feel bad? sure things are okay now. But is that any way to act toward someone that you 'loved'. I wanna say that i would die for the guy I'm with now, do anything for him, but how could I know after you

I Love Him

So, yeah i never write anymore. guess i kinda forgot about it. I was just sitting here thinking how weird people are. why is it people have to be shady and steal from their friends (not a situation i'm in). what is it about them or the way they were raised that some part of them has no guilt about this. Fucking rude. i wonder how their minds work. It's weird. people are weird.

i don't even know what i wanna write. Things are going awesome with brian. he's freaking amazing to me. I wonder sometimes "how'd that even happen?" i never would have pictured him and i together. We've been seeing each other for almost 2 months now. wow.
J-Dizzle

I can't stop myself from thinking that this is the way I will be for the rest of my life.

Never able to have a normal relationship again. Not that I've had a "normal" relationship in years. I look at grouchy old women and wonder if I am going to turn out like one of them, bitter with the world for the hand it has dealt me. But really it's the hand I dealt myself. I could get into a relationship if I wanted. At least I think I could. But I already know that from the beginning I would do what it took to destroy it. I've done it already. Had a chance, and let myself fuck it up... watched myself fuck it up. Part of me sit's back with a smile while the other half of me is screaming inside, "why can't I just let things be!"

All I used to want was a Husband that loved me, Kids that I loved so much I couldn't bear it, House that felt like a home.

I don't even think any of that happens anymore.
People falling in love...
This world is too fucked up to bring kids into...
I can't even remember what "home" feels like half the time....

"The heart dies a slow death,
Shedding its hope like
Leaves.

Until one day there
Are none
Left."

Sometimes I really hate memories...

It's like one second I'm sitting here totally fine and something will happen, a certain smell, part of a movie, the way I'm sitting...

Something, anything... and I'll be back in the past. A moment that made me so comfortable back then, something that made me smile... for an instant I feel that all over again. I try to stay in that moment, but as soon as I realize its just a memory, I'm ripped out of it and thrown back into "now".

That happened just now, sitting on the couch. I feel like my heart was trying to tear itself from my body. It doesn't want to be me anymore... I'm too damaged now. Fuck. I don't even wanna be me anymore. The weight of my memories crush me. I can't breathe when they come back.

I was reading This entry on my blog (link). I never really think about writing, it just comes to me. But reading that blog from over a year ago...wow. Putting my feelings into written words was never really a problem for me.

I remember exactly how I was feeling that day... That moment.

I think the last couple of years I've been through ALOT. I'm trying so hard to make it all better now. I'm still scared, and it saddens me a bit to realize that my heart is harder than it used to be. I doubt it will ever be as easy for someone to reach it now as it was then.

Reading some of those old entries makes me want to hate Oliver for what he did to me, for what he put me through. There were things he did to make me love him more. Orange Juice. I don't know how he ever noticed. Did I tell him? Or did he pick up on it on his own? Either way. It'll be years before anyone ever knows how I like my Orange Juice. I want to hate him for the small things he has taken away from me. Things no one else will ever notice about me. But he knew them, and that's the thing. As much as I want to hate him for not fighting for me, I was so empty by the end that I probably lost all of what I used to be anyways. I fear that so much it completely consumes what hatred I would have. I don't hate him. I don't *anything* him. He gave up on me, but it's okay because I had given up on myself long before he gave up on me.

I feel weird about that...the fact that I'm okay with "Goodbye" and in a sense watching him walk away from everything we used to have together and the future we had planned... Because now I know that I didn't ever really give up on myself. I just lost me in all the darkness I was feeling. Sometimes I still feel that, so much pain and darkness that I can't even breathe. Only sometimes...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the time we (talked)... "

Does it even matter that I thought my life was going in a different direction than it is now? God! Was I so stupid for thinking that he really did want to marry me? FUCK!

"I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice"

It feels like shit being so wortheless to someone you cared about so much. And the roughest part is no one understands. We were getting a fucking house... I was about to move away from my life as I know it. I would have given EVERYTHING for him. But I'm not even worth it.
"Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing"

Is it so bad that I don't even wanna deal with anyone anymore? I just wanna go back to my bed, and not deal with today. I'm so lonely... hahaha, and I'm constantly surrounded by people. People that I don't want to know how weak I really feel.

"I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on"


I want somone to hold me and make me feel good again. I want someone to look at me and smile just because it's good to be around me. I want someone to be there when I feel lost and let me know that I'm heading in a direction that is okay...

"I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel."

home at last.

I'm not myself today... more so than any other day lately. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like it's last year when Oliver was gone again. I am so tired but no matter how much I sleep it's not enough. I'm tired of dealing with people, and I just wanna shut them all out. But I fake this smile every day. I act like everything is okay with me every hour. I think about him every minute. And I'm dying inside every second.

I woke up this morning and felt so conflicted. I wanna put on the strong face, but my body and mind don't have the energy. I cried before I left my bunk. I want to curl up in a corner and disappear. It's hard enough just to breathe right now, much less deal with the day that is coming at me.

I am back at square one. I was doing so well, then all of a sudden this drop comes in my path and I can't get out of the hole I've fallen in. I feel so alone. Everytime I have to say "bye" to someone (even for the day) I can't help but cry. Why Do I have to be this way? Why does today have to be this way. I'm running out of the energy to deal with it all.

And tonight I still have to go back and pretend it's all alright...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand. Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again. And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you. I must have dragged my guts a block..."

Too much coffee today... So jittery.

I miss Oliver SO much. I can't ever get him off my mind. :(

~I love you so much baby~

I just heard the world, is
Breaking down into bits again, tell me
What am I to do?
And you just want me to stay, here
So I'm just gonna stay, here

Home, the last resort
Build a castle with an iron door
Lock the window
Pull the shades
The hazed out sun won't help anyway

If the world is crumbling down
I don't wanna be alone, no
Locked up in this place

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

Fear, is holding me here
The television got me seeing unclear
Bravery my neighbor, moved away
Cause I don't need to be courageous today

If the world is crumbling down
I don't wanna be alone, no
Locked up in this place

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

And nothings gonna save me
I'm hanging from the nearest tree
Nothings gonna save me
I'm hanging from the nearest tree

When I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night

World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night

Nothing to Lose...and yet Everything

I'm breaking down... There is no where for me to be alone and I wanna break down so bad but I can't let people see me that way. I wish there was a corner I could run to and hide.

I can't get Oliver off my mind, he's always there... in my thoughts. I'm so tired of writing to him because I can't handle the dreams that follow those letters. I just wanna hold him.

My heart aches every moment of the day...

Almost 2 months where I am, 2 months to go. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I'm so tired of hurting, I just want him home and I never wanna let go again. I'm tired of being strong and holding onto myself. I wanna let it all out so bad.