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Monday, December 05, 2005
personality tests by similarminds.com
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Do you ever get so lost you don't know how to get back to where you were? When I was 19 I knew everthing I wanted, I knew where I was going. What happened to me? Where did that person go?
I think it's everything I've been though... I look back and I think where my life started to go wrong was the last night with Michael. I wonder how different my life would be if that never went wrong. There are steps between then & now that have attributed to where I am. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm tired of so much darkness in my heart. I'm scared of Oliver going to Iraq because I care so much about him... I'm scared of going though what I went though while he was in Afghanistan all over again. I was afraid then because so many of my friends were dying, I'm not sure I've quite healed from that, I'm not sure how to handle more of it if I have to, I'm not sure of what will happen to me if I lose him too.
Where did the 'me' go that was so sure of every part of my life?
Where did the 'me' go that wasn't scared of the world or the things in it?
I think it's everything I've been though... I look back and I think where my life started to go wrong was the last night with Michael. I wonder how different my life would be if that never went wrong. There are steps between then & now that have attributed to where I am. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm tired of so much darkness in my heart. I'm scared of Oliver going to Iraq because I care so much about him... I'm scared of going though what I went though while he was in Afghanistan all over again. I was afraid then because so many of my friends were dying, I'm not sure I've quite healed from that, I'm not sure how to handle more of it if I have to, I'm not sure of what will happen to me if I lose him too.
Where did the 'me' go that was so sure of every part of my life?
Where did the 'me' go that wasn't scared of the world or the things in it?
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Tonight I Wanna Cry
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
Saturday, November 05, 2005
I dont even know where I wanna start writing. I saw "Jarhead" tonight. I think they did good keeping near the book. Other than that Oliver made me a bear at the Build-a-bear-workshop. I don't think I have ever loved any teddy bear as much as I love this one. He is absolutely the cutest bear I have ever had...And yet, I am screaming inside. Do people see the signs? Are there signs? I don't know. I feel alone in what I am going through. I see this look already from my bear, which happens to be named 'Jarhead', this look though... I want to try to explain this and it's hard. Teddy bears are always smiling and he has that smile like he's trying to tell everyone that he's happy. But this bear can see into my soul and his eyes reflect what I am feeling at this moment. Dialated. Scared, wondering... His eyes are like mirrors of my mind.
I know already the things this bear will go though with me. No one else knows, just me. If a bear could ever speak of what they see in someone he would say how much I hurt, he'd tell all about the fears in my mind. Not that any of it would help. My fears are my own.
I look at Oliver laying in his bed and no one (in my life) will ever know how scared I am. I love him so much. I think of my life if something happened to him Over There and I already know that I won't make it if he's gone. I see him sleeping and I just can't ever live without that. I can live with him being overseas for months at a time, but I can't if he is really just gone.
I know already the things this bear will go though with me. No one else knows, just me. If a bear could ever speak of what they see in someone he would say how much I hurt, he'd tell all about the fears in my mind. Not that any of it would help. My fears are my own.
I look at Oliver laying in his bed and no one (in my life) will ever know how scared I am. I love him so much. I think of my life if something happened to him Over There and I already know that I won't make it if he's gone. I see him sleeping and I just can't ever live without that. I can live with him being overseas for months at a time, but I can't if he is really just gone.
Friday, November 04, 2005
looking back on what I went though while oliver was in afghanistan... Every day I have with him is bringing me closer to disaster. Every hug and every kiss is closing my fate. I'm gonna break when he leaves. I look in his eyes and he doesn't know the pain I am going though. Its already like this for me because I know what is going to happen in a couple months. I've been down this road before. How do people live though this. How did I live though it? I think about it and I ache. I'm exhausted already.
I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.
I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.
I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.
I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Awww shit son!!! Jarhead comes out tomorrow!!! I'm goin to an early show, hells yeah. "I thank God for every day he gives me in the Corps OoRah!"
Welcome to the Suck
Welcome to the Suck
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Nothing to say. Marine Corps Ball is coming up soon. I really need a job. Hawaii is no different this time around than is was the last time. My "Island fever" hasn't hit yet, but it will. I'll be at the beach staring out at the water thinking about how far I am from home. But then, home wasn't "home" the last time I was there. I felt nothing but emptiness the last time around. And everything I did turned into a big fuck up the last time around. I don't belong there, I know that. Guess we'll just find out then huh?
Sunday, October 16, 2005
The last time I can say for sure that anyone ever brought me breakfast in bed was my 18th birthday... and it was my mom who brought it to me. I have made breakfast for boyfriends and brought them food in bed. Until this morning no one had done that for me.
When I opened my eyes this morning Oliver is standing there with a cup of orange juice and a plate. My first thought was "He wants me to move so he can sit on his bed and eat." So, I sit up and move over and he hands me the plate and the cup and says "I didn't know what you wanted in your omlette so I just put ham & Cheese"
I put the plate down and rubbed my face still waking up and a little confused. "you brought me breakfast in bed?" he nods 'yes'. God, I Love him... When did I get so lucky?
When I opened my eyes this morning Oliver is standing there with a cup of orange juice and a plate. My first thought was "He wants me to move so he can sit on his bed and eat." So, I sit up and move over and he hands me the plate and the cup and says "I didn't know what you wanted in your omlette so I just put ham & Cheese"
I put the plate down and rubbed my face still waking up and a little confused. "you brought me breakfast in bed?" he nods 'yes'. God, I Love him... When did I get so lucky?
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
so I'm thinking I wanna write a book. (my mom would be proud of that one). I don't think there are many 22 year olds that get that urge. But I am gonna start putting notes together for it. There isn't really any research I need to do to write it. So yeah... I think I wanna do it. I already have a title.
Sometimes I wonder...
exactly what is it about me that he is attracted to? he thinks I have a high self esteem but hes so wrong. I think sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted
Well, I didn't make it to the gym today... Good thing Nani woke me up at an Un-Godly hour to walk three miles (most of which was uphill). I have an Interview for a job at Red Lobster tomorrow. I really need this to work out.
Oliver is asleep already, he has to wake up at 1am for a 10 Mile hump. Man do I feel bad for these guys. I'm so bored waiting for a ride. I think I've 'refreshed' my homepage on MySpace like 20 times in the last half hour just hoping I have a message or someone has posted a new bulletin (anything to keep me busy!)
Oliver is asleep already, he has to wake up at 1am for a 10 Mile hump. Man do I feel bad for these guys. I'm so bored waiting for a ride. I think I've 'refreshed' my homepage on MySpace like 20 times in the last half hour just hoping I have a message or someone has posted a new bulletin (anything to keep me busy!)
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Columbus Day...and my necessity of MORE (and new) CARDIO (I can feel that already)
so I DID go to the gym and even though Im sick I felt great about the workout. I need them to be longer and I NEED to add SOMETHING into my rotation. but what?
Monday, October 10, 2005
My stupid cough got worse. I hate being sick I keep hacking up some nasty stuff. Took a day off from the gym yesterday I totally felt like trash for most of the day. But I'm going today. Not really been up to much went to the movies with Oliver, Nani, and Holloway last night. I don't know why I never have anything to write it's not like I don't do anything. Gonna go get ready to go to the Commisary with Holloway & Oliver.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
been kinda sick the last couple days
I hate being like this. haven't even been drinking dunno how I got sick. Oliver is at the rifle range til tomorrow. we went to the gym monday and he left Tues.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
So I'm thinking if ya'll have any questions (or are curious) about your love life then you should totally check this page out.
I came across this page which kinda predicts your future Love life with the help of a set of advanced mathematical calculations based on the concept of human psychology. It is extremely accurate as long as you have answered the set of 12 questions honestly and seriously.
I guess the site was developed by a group of renowned psychologists. Even if you're skeptical, just try it. after all, you have nothing to lose!
Click HERE to go to the website
I came across this page which kinda predicts your future Love life with the help of a set of advanced mathematical calculations based on the concept of human psychology. It is extremely accurate as long as you have answered the set of 12 questions honestly and seriously.
I guess the site was developed by a group of renowned psychologists. Even if you're skeptical, just try it. after all, you have nothing to lose!
Click HERE to go to the website
Friday, September 23, 2005
Hurting those closest to me...
They think they're closest to me but really they don't know the real me. Would it be so bad to hurt my friends a little if I get my own happiness...?
Thursday, September 22, 2005
it's getting sohard for me to sleep at night... again.
I'm having dreams about being in airports and not getting on the plane and ALL I want is to be with Oliver. Anymore I wake up all the time at night no matter how tired I am and I stare at the cieling for hours before falling asleep even when I'm exhausted. Why can't I just figure things out? What did I do to deserve this life that I am leading?
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I don’t know what I felt like writing... I was thinking about how it was when Oliver was in Afghanistan. The nights I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep, and the days that I pretended like everything was okay. The people that surround me in my life are oblivious to the pain I went though. I think back to those months he was gone fighting in Operation Enduring Freedom. That time tore me apart, broke my spirit and pierced my soul. I will never heal from that. The worst part is I know parts of me are different now, things I would never have changed in myself are lost forever. And he is going to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom surely if I have to go though what I went through with Operation Enduring Freedom I will not make it and I’m scared of that.
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
Monday, September 19, 2005
i wish i would have stayed in hawaii
the shit i go through here is just fucking stupid. i'm tired of stupid fucking shit. i hate my life. i wish it would just end.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
traffic school sucks ass!
holy hell, i haven't been this bored in a hell of a long time. before lunch i kept falling asleep. i'm trying so hard to not fall asleep. dear God save me!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
"Wake Me Up When September Ends"
...Summer has come and past, the innocent can never last...
I'm tired. Everything about me is exhausted. This song is all me right now. I wish I could sleep until things were better. Flying home from Hawaii last night I realized, I FEEL SO EMPTY. I'm lost and I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. I just want to be held, and I can't have that.
I watched the ocean basked in moonlight from the window of the airplane last night. From way up there it looked so calm almost like it was sleeping. But I know the truth about the ocean, it's looks are so decieving. And I know that the ocean is like me. The things people think of me are so different from the way I am. I wish that someone knew the real me. And I wonder if anyone will ever know the real me.
foxtrot uniform charlie kilo
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Never Forget the Fallen Heroes
Dedicated to those who have lost thier lives in 9/11, Operation Enduring Freedom, and Operation Iraqi Freedom
, and 1/3 Charlie 
. I miss you all, come home soon.
Friday, September 09, 2005
i'm too drunk and Oliver left me
at the e-club and i'm a bit lots standing in he bathroom. think i'll wander around and get more drunk. this is so different from what i'm used to back home.
Friday, September 02, 2005
airports
is it just me or do people act differently in airports than normally? i dont know if i'm different here or not. i'm happy to see oliver, more relieved than ever
Monday, August 29, 2005
So far it's been 307days 4 hours and 39minutes since I last saw him... I can't even explain the things I have gone through in those days. The worst pain I've ever felt, More fear than anyone should have to deal with and so much stress the amount of medication I would need should sedate me for over a year. But last Friday when I found out I'd get to see him, part of me just felt lighter. I don't even know what to think. It's like all this last (almost) year I had so much stress and I was so scared, I barely slept... Afraid of what dreams may come. But now I feel at ease, and I want to sleep I wanna catch up on it before the feeling comes back. I'm not scared of my dreams now. I want them.
I'll see him Friday.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
WOTW: "Honestly"
For all the mom's out there...
Hello Operator, does Heaven have a phone number?
Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away,
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book.
Is heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call
For all the mom's out there...
Hello Operator, does Heaven have a phone number?
Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away,
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book.
Is heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
i got beat up and lost my job!
what kind of managers would fire someone because they got jumped. fucking assholes. goes to show how shady black angus really is. i feel bad for people there.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
my first pool tournament...
i've never entered one. it's 9 ball and i'm okay at that. not good enough for tournament. we'll see how it goes. wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
I managed to stay bored ALL day Long...
so I did this.
1. What songs are you playing now, or wish you were playing?
‘Summer Girl’ Jessica Andrews – I wanna hear “Gotta be Something More” Sugarland or “Mississippi Girl” Faith Hill
2. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
Negative Ghost Rider
3. Do you want a baby?
No. My jeep and My cat are my babies.
4. What does your dad do for a living?
Works and Intel and Air Force Reservist.
5. What does your mom do for a living?
Accountant, has her own business
6. What is your pet's name?
Chewbaca (my older cat) and Fidelis (almost a year old)
7. What was the last concert you attended?
Flogging Molly – April 9th 2004 (I know, it’s been a long time)
8. What was the last movie you saw?
In Theatres: “Wedding Crashers”, watched “Calendar Girls” earlier today though
9. Who do you dislike most at this moment?
I don’t know… Lots of people I feel animosity towards at this exact moment, but I can’t choose
10. What was the last TV show you watched?
Viva La Bam (fucking love this show, two episodes back to back, second one is on right now.
11. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
My toe ring that I got in Mexico on the beach for 5 dollars (hahaha)
12. What was the last thing you ate?
A bowl of soup then an Otter Pop (yum)
13. When was the last time you cut your hair?
January (Yes, pathetic I know… thought about getting it done today)
14. Do you have a mental disease?
No, but Sometimes I’ve wondered if I have drank myself stupid
15. What is your favorite frozen treat?
Just vanilla ice-cream… (Breyer’s)
16. What's your favorite store?
I hate shopping, but I like Victoria Secret
17. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.
Monday, August 08, 2005
i'm tired
anytime i do something for someone else it's never enough... nothing is enough. i'm tired of it and tired of people. wish i could leave and start over.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
'good times, good times.'
i fucking love hanging out with people i went to high school with. thats what i miss most about my past. high school and sports. wish i could in back. :(
Thursday, August 04, 2005
WOTW
I haven't had a WOTW (word of the week) in a hell of a long time. But I was in the shower shaving my legs and I saw two bruises on my right leg. One on my lower calf and one mid thigh. I thought to myself "Oh my GOD! those things are MASSIVE!"
Then laughed cause it's like the 3rd or 4th time I've used the word 'massive' in the last day and a half.
So here... WOTW: Massive
I haven't had a WOTW (word of the week) in a hell of a long time. But I was in the shower shaving my legs and I saw two bruises on my right leg. One on my lower calf and one mid thigh. I thought to myself "Oh my GOD! those things are MASSIVE!"
Then laughed cause it's like the 3rd or 4th time I've used the word 'massive' in the last day and a half.
So here... WOTW: Massive
well this sucks
so i'm at the bar... ladies night. and all my friends are talking to guys. not me though. chillin alone. guess it's cool. just sucks. :(
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
time
i feel like im running circles i want something to change in my life i want to break free i want to be happy and loved i want to not feel lonely and lost. how?
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
No one I know knows the pain I have gone through today. I had a dream about Frankie (my friend that died in Iraq) and since I woke up I feel like breaking down. I know none of my friends know the real me. I wanna break down so bad and be comforted. I want people to tell me that things will be fine. But I know they won't.
Last night I had this dream, and at first I only knew it was a guy in my dream. We're riding in a big white truck (I'm driving) and leaving the lake going to my house trying to beat my roommates, so we get there first. I'm in the garage and think to myself "I left the door open" He comes in and opens it more *til this point I still didn't know who the guy was * I see him in the doorway. First legs and black gym shorts (is there a reason his shorts are black?) then no shirt... then I see his face and he's smiling... Frankie. He died December 16th 2004.
I just wanna know why this dream happened. I wanna go see his grave. I miss him so bad. I miss his smile and I miss him laughing. He called me from Okinawa... That was the last time I heard his voice. He talked to me in my dream but I don't even know what he said, I can't even remember his voice.
I miss him so much.
Circle Island... That’s it Frankie.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
First the boys come back from Afghanistan, then I find my wallet a couple weeks ago, now my Jeep is on it's way to getting fixed... Finally things are starting to look up. I'll try to overlook all the bad that has happened in between each of these 3 events.
I want to move. I'm going to it's just a matter of when. I know it will be East Coast. I don't know exactly where yet.
I can't wait to drive my Jeep.
I want to move. I'm going to it's just a matter of when. I know it will be East Coast. I don't know exactly where yet.
I can't wait to drive my Jeep.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Oliver called me again this morning. I know he was drunk cause he told me to meet him at Dukes. Yeah, Not really a possibility since I'm in AZ. I've been so sick I don't even sit at the computer. Haven't slept well since Sunday night.
He told me on the phone that he was depressed and even if I didn't know it I was all he ever wanted too.
When I finally woke up this morning I thought maybe this was a dream. Then I looked at my phone. 4 missed calls and 3 that I answered. 5:55, 6:52, 7:04.
Why is life so difficult? Why are people so difficult? Or is it me that is difficult?
He told me on the phone that he was depressed and even if I didn't know it I was all he ever wanted too.
When I finally woke up this morning I thought maybe this was a dream. Then I looked at my phone. 4 missed calls and 3 that I answered. 5:55, 6:52, 7:04.
Why is life so difficult? Why are people so difficult? Or is it me that is difficult?
Saturday, July 16, 2005
I don't want to be alone anymore. The things that go on in my life are becoming too much for me to face by myself. I used to be so strong and now all I feel inside of me is weakness, it's infecting me and I can't figure out how to reverse it.
Oliver called me tonight. I don't know what it was that made him call but I anwered anyways. Asked what he was doing he said he'd just got home from the bar (I'm sure he was drunk). He asked what I was doing, I'd just gotten home from work half an hour prior to his call. And out of no where he says. "I'm sorry Jonya. It's my fault, it's all my fault. I'm such an ass." Probably took him half a minute to say... Half a minute to completly break me. Instantly following his apology I burst into tears. After minutes of me sobbing silently I hear his breathing change. I can tell he's now talking to me lying on his bed. My thoughts in my head at this time are how I know all these little things about him. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat alone are the sole comforts I have. How I used to watch him sleep. Then I'd curl up next him and just listen to him sleep. Sometimes I'd put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. Used to be my favorite 2 sounds in the world...
He fell asleep somewhere around us being on the phone for 10minutes. And I sat there crying and listening to him sleep. I kept asking myself "why?" I have a lot of answers for that: I think because of how much I missed hearing it. This sound is no longer mine to listen to and I doubt I will ever hear it again. I was trying to hold on to memories of us because of how I felt while we were together. I couldn't stand to be alone.
I listened to him sleep for 40 minutes. The whole time telling myself "In 5 minutes I'm going to hang up." Tick-tock-tick-tock... Five minutes would come and go, and I'd tell myself the same thing again. It wasn't until he rolled over or something and I couldn't hear him breathing anymore that I hung up. I probably would have listened until I too fell asleep.
But now I am scared to sleep, afraid of the dreams I will have in the wake of the time I spent on the phone with him. I can't dream about him... It's too hard for me, but this my subconcious does not know. So I will unwillingly suffer though more than I have already been though.
Oliver called me tonight. I don't know what it was that made him call but I anwered anyways. Asked what he was doing he said he'd just got home from the bar (I'm sure he was drunk). He asked what I was doing, I'd just gotten home from work half an hour prior to his call. And out of no where he says. "I'm sorry Jonya. It's my fault, it's all my fault. I'm such an ass." Probably took him half a minute to say... Half a minute to completly break me. Instantly following his apology I burst into tears. After minutes of me sobbing silently I hear his breathing change. I can tell he's now talking to me lying on his bed. My thoughts in my head at this time are how I know all these little things about him. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat alone are the sole comforts I have. How I used to watch him sleep. Then I'd curl up next him and just listen to him sleep. Sometimes I'd put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. Used to be my favorite 2 sounds in the world...
He fell asleep somewhere around us being on the phone for 10minutes. And I sat there crying and listening to him sleep. I kept asking myself "why?" I have a lot of answers for that: I think because of how much I missed hearing it. This sound is no longer mine to listen to and I doubt I will ever hear it again. I was trying to hold on to memories of us because of how I felt while we were together. I couldn't stand to be alone.
I listened to him sleep for 40 minutes. The whole time telling myself "In 5 minutes I'm going to hang up." Tick-tock-tick-tock... Five minutes would come and go, and I'd tell myself the same thing again. It wasn't until he rolled over or something and I couldn't hear him breathing anymore that I hung up. I probably would have listened until I too fell asleep.
But now I am scared to sleep, afraid of the dreams I will have in the wake of the time I spent on the phone with him. I can't dream about him... It's too hard for me, but this my subconcious does not know. So I will unwillingly suffer though more than I have already been though.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Song of the Day: Backstreet Boys "Incomplete"
I had a dream about Oliver last night... I can remember it so vividly. Why does my heart always get broken?
so my dream: First I'm at the beach trying to surf but Christy and I are laughing at each other because We're having trouble standing up. I just can't pop-up on the board. Then it's time to go. Beach is full of cars because some kind of Ferry came in after we got out of the water. I walk to the house cause we gotta check the chickens ASAP since they are laying 7 eggs a day now. We're house sitting for Brian, but it's a totally different house (Mike's old house) So we get to this house (it's so different inside) feed Farley and go check the chickens. One of the chickens keeps trying to take the eggs from us. Picks the egg in it's mouth and flys to the roof. I swear it talked to me, but I don't know what it said. Then I'm in the house alone. Christy is outside doing I don't know what. I hear someone knocking at the door. I open...Oliver is standing there (of course wearing my fav. outfit. Plaid-ish button up shirt with blue jeans). My first instinct is to slap him. But I just stand there. He looks at me so sad. He says to me "I'm so sorry Jonya" I don't know what to say so I just say "why?" and he tells me "I'm not right anymore. Something about me changed while I was in Afghanistan" he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't sleep at night and drinks way too much now. My heart breaks. He is what I have been since last November. I feel bad for him.
But then I wake up. It is just a dream. He'll never come knocking at my door apologizing for everything I have been though because of him. He'll never be sorry for what I have become because I cared too much about him.
I had a dream about Oliver last night... I can remember it so vividly. Why does my heart always get broken?
so my dream: First I'm at the beach trying to surf but Christy and I are laughing at each other because We're having trouble standing up. I just can't pop-up on the board. Then it's time to go. Beach is full of cars because some kind of Ferry came in after we got out of the water. I walk to the house cause we gotta check the chickens ASAP since they are laying 7 eggs a day now. We're house sitting for Brian, but it's a totally different house (Mike's old house) So we get to this house (it's so different inside) feed Farley and go check the chickens. One of the chickens keeps trying to take the eggs from us. Picks the egg in it's mouth and flys to the roof. I swear it talked to me, but I don't know what it said. Then I'm in the house alone. Christy is outside doing I don't know what. I hear someone knocking at the door. I open...Oliver is standing there (of course wearing my fav. outfit. Plaid-ish button up shirt with blue jeans). My first instinct is to slap him. But I just stand there. He looks at me so sad. He says to me "I'm so sorry Jonya" I don't know what to say so I just say "why?" and he tells me "I'm not right anymore. Something about me changed while I was in Afghanistan" he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't sleep at night and drinks way too much now. My heart breaks. He is what I have been since last November. I feel bad for him.
But then I wake up. It is just a dream. He'll never come knocking at my door apologizing for everything I have been though because of him. He'll never be sorry for what I have become because I cared too much about him.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Guys like him are the worst. They touch you, look at you, and talk to you like you are all they ever wanted. I should've known... but I thought he was different.
Why would you look at someone like this if you knew you were gonna hurt them? He made me feel like we were the only people on the planet. I just don't understand. Did he know what he was doing from the beginning? Or did the things that happened during our time together that made him feel so bad he didn't want to see me. It hurts more that he doesn't even talk to me. I just need to understand.
Why would you look at someone like this if you knew you were gonna hurt them? He made me feel like we were the only people on the planet. I just don't understand. Did he know what he was doing from the beginning? Or did the things that happened during our time together that made him feel so bad he didn't want to see me. It hurts more that he doesn't even talk to me. I just need to understand.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Song of the Day: 3 Doors Down "Let Me Go"
I'm sitting here by myself made myself a glass of Orange Juice and I was thinking about how I have all these little quirks that no one knows about. More than anything I wish there was someone in my life that knew these things. The Orange Juice is what started it. Until this morning no one knew that I mix my OJ with Water. Now my mom knows, only cause I told her. I don't wanna have to tell people about these little habits I have. I just want someone to be around enough to notice them.
The pain I have gone through in the last year was so unbearable at first, now I know everything I went through was in vain. Wish I could count every night I spent crying til 4am, the number of times I wasted my breath saying his name wishing by some type of magic he's hear it. Hours I spent staring at the ceiling thinking of him. No one knows these things I did while I was alone. And it was all for nothing. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want to wake up next to someone that is 'complete' because they get to wake up next to me.
I'm sitting here by myself made myself a glass of Orange Juice and I was thinking about how I have all these little quirks that no one knows about. More than anything I wish there was someone in my life that knew these things. The Orange Juice is what started it. Until this morning no one knew that I mix my OJ with Water. Now my mom knows, only cause I told her. I don't wanna have to tell people about these little habits I have. I just want someone to be around enough to notice them.
The pain I have gone through in the last year was so unbearable at first, now I know everything I went through was in vain. Wish I could count every night I spent crying til 4am, the number of times I wasted my breath saying his name wishing by some type of magic he's hear it. Hours I spent staring at the ceiling thinking of him. No one knows these things I did while I was alone. And it was all for nothing. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want to wake up next to someone that is 'complete' because they get to wake up next to me.
Monday, July 11, 2005
POTW: "I sho shoulda"
Holy crap I'm tired. Woke up hella early (for me & for a sunday) 738am. Had a great morning before work. worked a double, so now I'm exhaused. On my way home stopped and got a a 12 pack of Miller Lite (It's miller time!). So now I'm gonna have a couple beers and pass out.
I wish I could read minds. Life would be so much easier. No questioning. Wouldn't tha be nice?
Holy crap I'm tired. Woke up hella early (for me & for a sunday) 738am. Had a great morning before work. worked a double, so now I'm exhaused. On my way home stopped and got a a 12 pack of Miller Lite (It's miller time!). So now I'm gonna have a couple beers and pass out.
I wish I could read minds. Life would be so much easier. No questioning. Wouldn't tha be nice?
Friday, July 08, 2005
DPOTP: "But I wanna fuckin' icecream cone..."
Holy Crap!!! Last night was crazy! I don't even know what to say. Swear to God I had the best Orgasm of my ENTIRE LIFE last night.
*sorry to anyone who's feelings that might've hurt. IF you have the balls, then you can call and yell at me*
It weird though. This guy does something different to me. Like, I think I've had two boyfriends my entire life that treated me respectfully. Mike was at first then he got his "God Complex" (as I like to say). I think he's got major mental issues. But anyways. 2 boyfriends that treated me like this. My 1st and 3rd boyfriends. And 8.5 years down the road, it's my first boyfriend. 8.5 YEARS later! I'm so scared to say something stupid and mess it up. He cracks me up like no other. Guys don't make me laugh like he does.
And I'm standing behind him while he playes a computer game scratching his back, and he says "God, why are you so good to me." He makes me smile, and treats me like no guy has in forever... Thats why.
Holy Crap!!! Last night was crazy! I don't even know what to say. Swear to God I had the best Orgasm of my ENTIRE LIFE last night.
*sorry to anyone who's feelings that might've hurt. IF you have the balls, then you can call and yell at me*
It weird though. This guy does something different to me. Like, I think I've had two boyfriends my entire life that treated me respectfully. Mike was at first then he got his "God Complex" (as I like to say). I think he's got major mental issues. But anyways. 2 boyfriends that treated me like this. My 1st and 3rd boyfriends. And 8.5 years down the road, it's my first boyfriend. 8.5 YEARS later! I'm so scared to say something stupid and mess it up. He cracks me up like no other. Guys don't make me laugh like he does.
And I'm standing behind him while he playes a computer game scratching his back, and he says "God, why are you so good to me." He makes me smile, and treats me like no guy has in forever... Thats why.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
meeting (or re-meeting) guys
On Meeting (or Re-Meeting) guys:
I've totally been in those relationships where your both too young and just wonder if it'd be different if it could've been later on down the road. I wonder...
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
i'm lazy today
I'm lazy today and my song is on 'making memories of us' totally brightened my day. maybe now i'll get off my ass and start doing something.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
So I'm awake and thinking, (As I always am at 3am) I'm so happy that Oliver is safe now. So much stress off my shoulders. I can't handle for him to go again. it hurt so bad to have him gone. I was reading this old blog, from when I first came back home before he left. I felt so suffocated just remembering how it feels to have him there or to have him so far away.THURSDAY: Aug. 26th, 2004
He is still far away from me right now, but it's easier. It makes me smile to know that he isn't in a combat zone anymore. When I sleep now I am so much more at ease. My dreams aren't terrible like when he was gone. I wake up now and I don't feel so dead anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard to not be around him. but he is safe now, that makes it easier for me to go on with my life.
He is going home to Rhode Island tonight (as in Friday night). Soon I'll know if, or when, I get to see him while he's on leave.
***Crossing my fingers and praying for the best.***
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
What a crazy *feeling* week. Oliver and the boys are back home in Hawaii and will be getting leave very soon, like Friday! (yay!) Stephen got canned for being a douche and always coming in late or missing shifts (no Bueno) Talking stuff about David at work (Bueno) Christy barely even has to work this week and gets to do all kinda of stuff like go camping with the guys at the lake tomorrow and go to the water park on friday (no fair! but at least i'm making money) Brian, Ryan, Josh, Vince and the rest of the guy leave for Cozumel later this week (they are totally gonna have a blast!) And got a bad call from Casey (totally no Bueno)
Ahhhh...Tomorrow is the only day off this week that I have. I plan on sleeping all afternoon and then playing tennis with Jonny. Bastard better call me back.
I'm gonna be so freaking bored while the guys are in Cozumel. They are totally gonna have fun though, and I'm sure Christy & I will find something to keep ourselves occupied, like check the chicken coop for eggs all day long while tanning in our very own nudist colony (hahaha) That actually would be a weird sight... checking the chicken coop while tanning. hmmm, maybe we re-think that idea.
I think I'm gonna hit the sack and start my sleep fest before the sun even starts thinking of coming up. Night.
Ahhhh...Tomorrow is the only day off this week that I have. I plan on sleeping all afternoon and then playing tennis with Jonny. Bastard better call me back.
I'm gonna be so freaking bored while the guys are in Cozumel. They are totally gonna have fun though, and I'm sure Christy & I will find something to keep ourselves occupied, like check the chicken coop for eggs all day long while tanning in our very own nudist colony (hahaha) That actually would be a weird sight... checking the chicken coop while tanning. hmmm, maybe we re-think that idea.
I think I'm gonna hit the sack and start my sleep fest before the sun even starts thinking of coming up. Night.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
The best phone call I've ever gotten today. Oliver. I haven't heard his voice since November 11th 2004. I'd forgotten how good it sounds.
Anytime he came up when I got home, or if I thought of him, I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I'm so happy that he is safe now, and he's alive, he's heading home. It's so overwhelming to have all this in my head.
Thank you God.
Anytime he came up when I got home, or if I thought of him, I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I'm so happy that he is safe now, and he's alive, he's heading home. It's so overwhelming to have all this in my head.
Thank you God.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
At this point today/tonight I am way more drunk than I need, or want, to be. I hate boredom. and I hate waiting for things to happen (which oddly enough I find my self doing quite often)
Wish I could just sleep until something good happens to me...That'd never work though cause ya gotta do stuff to get some thing to happen, right?
Eh, these are the drunken ramblings of a lonely girl. Doesn't it suck to be me lately. (lately being the last 8.5 months, basically since I left Hawaii)
I miss Oliver so much...
Wish I could just sleep until something good happens to me...That'd never work though cause ya gotta do stuff to get some thing to happen, right?
Eh, these are the drunken ramblings of a lonely girl. Doesn't it suck to be me lately. (lately being the last 8.5 months, basically since I left Hawaii)
I miss Oliver so much...
Monday, June 06, 2005
"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"
yeah, I sure did today. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel so stressed out, worried, exhausted and just not myself. Who am I right now? I don't know. ugh. so much going through my head and I keep it all inside and I just want someone to understand, but I dont know how to make people understand. It's not easy for people who haven't been through what I've been through.
Oliver is coming home from afghanistan soon...real soon. He gets to go home on leave again. He wants me to go. And I really want to...
I'm scared though. Will he be different? will WE be different? and the way I care for him, I've had to say 'goodbye' to him so many times already and it kills me inside evertime I have to say 'goodbye' to that boy. I feel like I die everytime. I'm so scared.
I just wish I could stop getting hurt...
yeah, I sure did today. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel so stressed out, worried, exhausted and just not myself. Who am I right now? I don't know. ugh. so much going through my head and I keep it all inside and I just want someone to understand, but I dont know how to make people understand. It's not easy for people who haven't been through what I've been through.
Oliver is coming home from afghanistan soon...real soon. He gets to go home on leave again. He wants me to go. And I really want to...
I'm scared though. Will he be different? will WE be different? and the way I care for him, I've had to say 'goodbye' to him so many times already and it kills me inside evertime I have to say 'goodbye' to that boy. I feel like I die everytime. I'm so scared.
I just wish I could stop getting hurt...
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
my body feels wrong, sore and exhaused. It's not just that...my attitude feels wrong too. I dont know whats up with me. Why am I tired but I can't sleep. I haven't been answering phone calls from my friends. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just dont have the energy for anything anymore.
I wish I could sleep.
Frankie, Brian, Nate, Allan, Grimes, and Gibson: I miss you all. I saw your pictures on tv last night. It's so hard to believe you are dead. I'd give so much to bring you back. Thank you all for what you've given for this country wich was everything you had. I love you guys...
I wish I could sleep.
Frankie, Brian, Nate, Allan, Grimes, and Gibson: I miss you all. I saw your pictures on tv last night. It's so hard to believe you are dead. I'd give so much to bring you back. Thank you all for what you've given for this country wich was everything you had. I love you guys...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I was thinking tonight of all the things I've gone through in the last year, reading some of my old blogs. I dunno, it's weird. Like I feel upset alot because so much bad has happened this year and no one here seems to really give a shit that I'm not exactly happy when I should be.
I thought about that. and I wondered "why?"
is it me? is it in my head? I always hear people complaining to me. "oh, *this* is going wrong for me, and everything about *this* sucks...blah blah blah" I'm getting really tired of it. I don't bitch to my friends about how the guy I was head over heals for got shipped to Afghanistan, or how I've had six (SIX!!!) friends die overseas in the last half a year, or how everynight I can't sleep because all I do is stay awake wondering how things would be if Oliver never left would my life been different... Their problems seem so stupid and childish compared to mine.
I wonder if that makes me a selfish person... I don't bother my friends or even my family with my problems because either they wont be able to comprehend the pain I go through everyday, or they'll know the real me. No one has known her for a long time, and I'd rather keep her hidden. It's just easier to do that.
I'd rather cry alone than have everyone know how weak I sometimes am...
I thought about that. and I wondered "why?"
is it me? is it in my head? I always hear people complaining to me. "oh, *this* is going wrong for me, and everything about *this* sucks...blah blah blah" I'm getting really tired of it. I don't bitch to my friends about how the guy I was head over heals for got shipped to Afghanistan, or how I've had six (SIX!!!) friends die overseas in the last half a year, or how everynight I can't sleep because all I do is stay awake wondering how things would be if Oliver never left would my life been different... Their problems seem so stupid and childish compared to mine.
I wonder if that makes me a selfish person... I don't bother my friends or even my family with my problems because either they wont be able to comprehend the pain I go through everyday, or they'll know the real me. No one has known her for a long time, and I'd rather keep her hidden. It's just easier to do that.
I'd rather cry alone than have everyone know how weak I sometimes am...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
It's a nice night out tonight. Kinda weird, I swear it smelled like rain when I got out of work. Not a cloud in the sky though. It's a full moon too, I like full moons. Nothing really to write about. I hope that tonight I sleep better than "last night" considering I couldn't fall asleep until 7 this morning.
I don't know that I've said that in a while... "I hope", huh.
Well tomorrow I get to go pay the rest of my phone bill. oddly enough I feel kinda empty without having my phone on. I guess it's not really odd. It's my lifeline to my friends. Wow! taht sounds so dumb.
I don't know that I've said that in a while... "I hope", huh.
Well tomorrow I get to go pay the rest of my phone bill. oddly enough I feel kinda empty without having my phone on. I guess it's not really odd. It's my lifeline to my friends. Wow! taht sounds so dumb.
Monday, May 23, 2005
It’s weird how there are people that walk into your life and something about them shows you that the world is not completely dark anymore... People have told me in the last two weeks that I smile more and I seem different.
My world has been dark for a long time. I think about how long it's been this way and I wanna cry. I can't pinpoint the exact event where everything became this way. It was more like a series of events, each that happened took my light away one fragment at a time.
August 23rd 2004: I left Hawaii...I watched Ollie drive away from the airport while I stood there crying. I think back on it, my memory, He gave me a hug and a kiss. Told me he loved me and kissed me. Lit a cigarette, walked away and didn't look back. Crying so hard all alone listening to Whiskey Lullaby...I could hear myself in that song.
October 19th-26th 2004: after August until now, darkness. I really try to remember things between these two points but really I just draw blanks. I spent this week in Rhode Island. I remember all of it. It shines like the sun in my memory. I love the East Coast. The weather was cold but I love it. Everything about that week was great. Daily walks to Starbucks, walking Cinder to the park and running back, getting yelled at for tickling each other and horsing around, swinging on the tree swing in the back yard. I remember standing next to him at the airport. His plane was scheduled to leave 2hours before mine. Took a picture of him before he boarded. Same thing again. Gave me a kiss, said goodbye and he loved me smiled and told me not to worry, then he got on the plane and didn’t look back. I don’t know why, he was always like that. Never looked back. I wonder if that makes it easier. I’ve always been the one to watch people leave, never the one to have a chance to look back. I got on my plane and cried in every airport I was in, and drank my bottle of whiskey on every plane I was on, slept as much as I could because my heart ached too much when I was awake. I remember on the 2nd plane looking out at the clouds and seeing this huge dark chasm in the clouds, all so beautiful and white. It almost calmed me to watch the clouds then suddenly darkness the size of the Grand Canyon then I started noticing all the other little dark patches in this scene of serenity, before long all I noticed was the darkness in the clouds… these clouds that day were like me.
Stare for a little while and maybe I’m beautiful and peaceful maybe I look happy. I worry that if someone looks long enough they will see the darkness in me. I wondered if the broken pieces of my heart would heal and I’d have all these “scars on my heart” or if they would just break away and eventually I’d just be empty. I still don’t know. I think its scars.
January 5th 2005: I find out that Frankie and Brain died December 16th in the Al Anbar Province on Iraq. I think of Frankie and I’m sure he’s in heaven. His smile was so bright. One more fragment of light gone from my life. I remember BBQ-ing with Kilo and he called me from Okinawa, told me he’d write and call back with his address. He died before he got the chance.
January 29th 2005: I hear about the helicopter crash on my way to work. All I know at first is Marines, but I had no idea where from. I find out later that they were Marines from Kaneohe Bay. I get home later that evening and find out that 4 of my friends died in that crash. Nate, Gibbs, Grimes, and Allan… I swear it’s like someone was walking around and turning lights off around me.
My memories fade in and out from then. I got one letter from Oliver back in February. I think about him a lot even though he isn’t mine anymore. I just pray for their safety. 3/3 Kilo, I want so badly to know they are all going to be safe and in one piece when they get back to Hawaii.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way I am... I never look for it, but I think it would do me good.
Does that even make sense?
My world has been dark for a long time. I think about how long it's been this way and I wanna cry. I can't pinpoint the exact event where everything became this way. It was more like a series of events, each that happened took my light away one fragment at a time.
August 23rd 2004: I left Hawaii...I watched Ollie drive away from the airport while I stood there crying. I think back on it, my memory, He gave me a hug and a kiss. Told me he loved me and kissed me. Lit a cigarette, walked away and didn't look back. Crying so hard all alone listening to Whiskey Lullaby...I could hear myself in that song.
October 19th-26th 2004: after August until now, darkness. I really try to remember things between these two points but really I just draw blanks. I spent this week in Rhode Island. I remember all of it. It shines like the sun in my memory. I love the East Coast. The weather was cold but I love it. Everything about that week was great. Daily walks to Starbucks, walking Cinder to the park and running back, getting yelled at for tickling each other and horsing around, swinging on the tree swing in the back yard. I remember standing next to him at the airport. His plane was scheduled to leave 2hours before mine. Took a picture of him before he boarded. Same thing again. Gave me a kiss, said goodbye and he loved me smiled and told me not to worry, then he got on the plane and didn’t look back. I don’t know why, he was always like that. Never looked back. I wonder if that makes it easier. I’ve always been the one to watch people leave, never the one to have a chance to look back. I got on my plane and cried in every airport I was in, and drank my bottle of whiskey on every plane I was on, slept as much as I could because my heart ached too much when I was awake. I remember on the 2nd plane looking out at the clouds and seeing this huge dark chasm in the clouds, all so beautiful and white. It almost calmed me to watch the clouds then suddenly darkness the size of the Grand Canyon then I started noticing all the other little dark patches in this scene of serenity, before long all I noticed was the darkness in the clouds… these clouds that day were like me.
Stare for a little while and maybe I’m beautiful and peaceful maybe I look happy. I worry that if someone looks long enough they will see the darkness in me. I wondered if the broken pieces of my heart would heal and I’d have all these “scars on my heart” or if they would just break away and eventually I’d just be empty. I still don’t know. I think its scars.
January 5th 2005: I find out that Frankie and Brain died December 16th in the Al Anbar Province on Iraq. I think of Frankie and I’m sure he’s in heaven. His smile was so bright. One more fragment of light gone from my life. I remember BBQ-ing with Kilo and he called me from Okinawa, told me he’d write and call back with his address. He died before he got the chance.
January 29th 2005: I hear about the helicopter crash on my way to work. All I know at first is Marines, but I had no idea where from. I find out later that they were Marines from Kaneohe Bay. I get home later that evening and find out that 4 of my friends died in that crash. Nate, Gibbs, Grimes, and Allan… I swear it’s like someone was walking around and turning lights off around me.
My memories fade in and out from then. I got one letter from Oliver back in February. I think about him a lot even though he isn’t mine anymore. I just pray for their safety. 3/3 Kilo, I want so badly to know they are all going to be safe and in one piece when they get back to Hawaii.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way I am... I never look for it, but I think it would do me good.
Does that even make sense?
Friday, April 08, 2005
I think I know why I don't write so much.
I'm sitting here and all I think about is Oliver. The one constant thought in my life is him. Days go by for me, but they all blend together. I look at my 'countdown' on my phone, which really is more of a 'count-up' for me. I last saw him 163 days 21 hours and 31 minutes ago. The last time I heard his voice is 2 weeks and 2 days less than that.
That 'countdown' is the only way I know time is actually passing... Another day, another hour, another minute, it all feels the same to me. Same memories of the day before: Sleep, work, hang out, sleep, work, hang out.
I can't believe it's April already. My last solid memories were in Rhode Island, before that in Hawaii. I've never felt so NUMB in Arizona. This place was always where I thought I belonged, it's never felt so wrong to me as it has since I came back from Hawaii, I think I'd feel the same there though.
It's so hard. I have all these memories of him, I dream of him like I'll see him when I wake up... But he's so many thousands of miles away. I think of him and wonder what he'll do or say the next time I see him. How much longer will that be?
2:36am right now and I can't fucking sleep because all I do when I lay there is stare at the ceiling head on his USMC sweater and hand on his dog tags around my neck... I hate this time of night, no one around or awake to help keep my thoughts from wandering to him.
I'm sitting here and all I think about is Oliver. The one constant thought in my life is him. Days go by for me, but they all blend together. I look at my 'countdown' on my phone, which really is more of a 'count-up' for me. I last saw him 163 days 21 hours and 31 minutes ago. The last time I heard his voice is 2 weeks and 2 days less than that.
That 'countdown' is the only way I know time is actually passing... Another day, another hour, another minute, it all feels the same to me. Same memories of the day before: Sleep, work, hang out, sleep, work, hang out.
I can't believe it's April already. My last solid memories were in Rhode Island, before that in Hawaii. I've never felt so NUMB in Arizona. This place was always where I thought I belonged, it's never felt so wrong to me as it has since I came back from Hawaii, I think I'd feel the same there though.
It's so hard. I have all these memories of him, I dream of him like I'll see him when I wake up... But he's so many thousands of miles away. I think of him and wonder what he'll do or say the next time I see him. How much longer will that be?
2:36am right now and I can't fucking sleep because all I do when I lay there is stare at the ceiling head on his USMC sweater and hand on his dog tags around my neck... I hate this time of night, no one around or awake to help keep my thoughts from wandering to him.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Saturday, February 12, 2005
well it's February 12th now, and seemingly this month is going better than the last. I still haven't heard from most of the people I'd like to hear from. I'm worried that I'm running out of time. My court date is Feb. 14th (lucky me...already hated V-day) After I take care of all of that I plan on signing my military contract ASAP.
wish me luck
wish me luck
Saturday, January 29, 2005
In my mind I hope that things will get better after this month is over. Kind of how people think things will change after the New Year. So much has gone wrong in my life this month.
I’ve learned of the deaths of 6 of my friends this month alone. 2 of the 6 had died in December (Franklin Sweger & Brian Medina). The other four died earlier this week (Nathan Moore, Tim Gibson, and Kyle Grimes, Allan Klein) Some I was closer to than others. But all of them I have had good laughs and great times with.
How many more can I handle?
I’m worried and scared. And above all I just want to know that the rest of my friends are safe. Come home soon guys. Be safe, you don’t need those metals. All they are is something in a box that you’ll be proud of for a bit (if you’re alive to actually receive it) and then you’ll pack it away and let it collect dust. You’re already heroes. Don’t try to be one anymore than that.
I’ve learned of the deaths of 6 of my friends this month alone. 2 of the 6 had died in December (Franklin Sweger & Brian Medina). The other four died earlier this week (Nathan Moore, Tim Gibson, and Kyle Grimes, Allan Klein) Some I was closer to than others. But all of them I have had good laughs and great times with.
How many more can I handle?
I’m worried and scared. And above all I just want to know that the rest of my friends are safe. Come home soon guys. Be safe, you don’t need those metals. All they are is something in a box that you’ll be proud of for a bit (if you’re alive to actually receive it) and then you’ll pack it away and let it collect dust. You’re already heroes. Don’t try to be one anymore than that.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
FRANKIE is dead now... he shouldn't have even been there. 1/3 is supposed to be on MEU. For christ sake he's 24...
Frankie: I miss you, I know youre in heaven now. Thank you for what youve done. Im glad I had the chance to know you.
Frankie: I miss you, I know youre in heaven now. Thank you for what youve done. Im glad I had the chance to know you.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Especially because it's Thanksgiving, I think everyone should take a moment and visit this webpage to HONOR THE FALLEN
I have a lot to be thankful for.
MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...
But most of all My freedom.
Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.
I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.
I miss you guys. Please be safe.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...
But most of all My freedom.
Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.
I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.
I miss you guys. Please be safe.
Monday, November 22, 2004
I can't explain the feeling in my heart every time I read the Hawaii Paper and it says "Kane'ohe Marine Died" I'm so scared, so scared, and I just want them to be okay. Whether its the guys I hung out with in 1/3 or the when the day comes that 3/3 is in the paper. I never wanna read one of their names.
Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?
Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...
Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.
One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)
Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey
Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?
Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...
Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.
One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)
Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey
Thursday, November 18, 2004
I don't live in Hawai'i anymore, but it's pretty much the only newspaper I read. Sometimes I'm scared of what I'll see on their headlines. All my friends from Hawaii that are in the Marine Corps are either in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Kuwait. I know the guys from 1/3 are in Fallujah... And 3/3... Killer Kilo huh? Afghanistan, and I dont even know where there. I love those boys like brothers, and I just want Ollie to be safe.
Every day I read that paper and I'm scared that one day I'll see a name I know on this list...
Hawai'i-based Marines killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Jeremy D. Bow
Lance Cpl. David M. Branning
Lance Cpl. John T. Byrd II
Lance Cpl. Travis A. Fox
Pfc. John Lukac
Cpl. Christopher J. Lapka
Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina
Sgt. Rafael Peralta
Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering
Lance Cpl. Andrew G. Riedel
Lance Cpl. Michael P. Scarborough
Lance Cpl. Richard P. Slocum
Petty Officer Julian Woods
Please be safe guys. I wish with all my heart that I could hold Ollie again and just tell him everything I never told him...Baby you have to be safe and come home soon...
Don't be a hero
Every day I read that paper and I'm scared that one day I'll see a name I know on this list...
Hawai'i-based Marines killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Jeremy D. Bow
Lance Cpl. David M. Branning
Lance Cpl. John T. Byrd II
Lance Cpl. Travis A. Fox
Pfc. John Lukac
Cpl. Christopher J. Lapka
Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina
Sgt. Rafael Peralta
Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering
Lance Cpl. Andrew G. Riedel
Lance Cpl. Michael P. Scarborough
Lance Cpl. Richard P. Slocum
Petty Officer Julian Woods
Please be safe guys. I wish with all my heart that I could hold Ollie again and just tell him everything I never told him...Baby you have to be safe and come home soon...
Don't be a hero
Thursday, November 11, 2004
I think the hardest part about today is not knowing. I don't know when I will see Oliver again, or hear his voice again. Will he come back home, will he come back to me. The uncertainty of our future drives me insane. And I'm never strong enough to ask questions. Soon it will be too late.
It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.
I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.
I'm so exhausted.
It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.
I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.
I'm so exhausted.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Had a Fantastic dinner tonight!
Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.
I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)
I love you babe...
Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.
I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)
I love you babe...
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Today was the hardest day for me in about Two years. I remember when I was 19, thinking how stong I was. Before I'd turned 20 I learned that I wasn't as strong as I had thought. And today I am back to that. Learning my weaknesses again.
Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.
I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?
I have so many Unanswered questions.
Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.
I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?
I have so many Unanswered questions.
Friday, October 15, 2004
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I... Had a bad day again."
And I swear there's nothing wrong...
But you'll hear me play that same old song,
I'll put you off and put you on.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
"Days go by... Feels like my hand out the window as the cars drive by...
Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.
Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.
Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.
Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
(Partially from my e-mail to 7 so I can save time & be lazy! hehehe!)
This weekend would take me forever to write no matter how fast I can type. SO I'll leave it here. Got off work at Midnight Friday Stina and Bitch were waiting out side. I was gonna go to Tucson right after work but didn't end up on the road until 7am on Saturday. I made it safely around 945am. For the Most part Saturday was a disappointment. Rain Saturday afternoon was nice though. And I couldn't leave Sunday because of the rain. So, I got to hang out with the Fire Fighter that I'd met (and hung out with) before. I like hanging out with him and his FF buddies because it really helps me out with my attitude about trying to get on. The more I hang with them the more I wanna get back in with the testing process. Jo ignored me a lot (Saturday mostly). Jes has always been awesome though and we watched a lot of movies together. Drove up to the Mountains twice (once with Jes & once with Chad *the FF*). Came home Monday Afternoon. Worked. I love working there. Um...Got to see Stina when I got off work (she was waiting by my car again). Got my phone turned back on today. Hung out With Melissa (we ate at The OG). Then hung out with Stina. And now, it's now!
This weekend would take me forever to write no matter how fast I can type. SO I'll leave it here. Got off work at Midnight Friday Stina and Bitch were waiting out side. I was gonna go to Tucson right after work but didn't end up on the road until 7am on Saturday. I made it safely around 945am. For the Most part Saturday was a disappointment. Rain Saturday afternoon was nice though. And I couldn't leave Sunday because of the rain. So, I got to hang out with the Fire Fighter that I'd met (and hung out with) before. I like hanging out with him and his FF buddies because it really helps me out with my attitude about trying to get on. The more I hang with them the more I wanna get back in with the testing process. Jo ignored me a lot (Saturday mostly). Jes has always been awesome though and we watched a lot of movies together. Drove up to the Mountains twice (once with Jes & once with Chad *the FF*). Came home Monday Afternoon. Worked. I love working there. Um...Got to see Stina when I got off work (she was waiting by my car again). Got my phone turned back on today. Hung out With Melissa (we ate at The OG). Then hung out with Stina. And now, it's now!
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Well I did my first serving shift yesterday. :) I had two tables in my section, and I think I ended up having Five tables total (at lunch)...Yep, Five tables. What do you know, it's my number, I just realized that. Well I made $29 in tips. Not bad for a lunch shift, and especially since that was off Five tables. I tipped out $4 total so I ended up with $25. Not bad huh? I'm happy. Today I work at 3pm, until... Who knows. I'm super happy though. It's a dinner shift and I'll get two tables again. Hopefully I'll made at least 50. That would be SWEET! Then I can pay part of my phone bill. Ugh I hate being broke. Oh! And I get dinner shifts Thursday & Friday too! So hopefully I'll be able to go to Tucson on Friday night since I don't work Saturday (Boo-Yah!)
I miss Lani. :)
Oh...Things I miss... The Beach, Nani, "The Guys", The E-Club, The Rain, "My Barracks", and (believe it or not) The Ki's.
I'm sure I'll see them all again soon. And I'll kick Robbins ass if he doesn't come see me. He Promised!
I miss Lani. :)
Oh...Things I miss... The Beach, Nani, "The Guys", The E-Club, The Rain, "My Barracks", and (believe it or not) The Ki's.
I'm sure I'll see them all again soon. And I'll kick Robbins ass if he doesn't come see me. He Promised!
Friday, September 10, 2004
It's Friday morning now. Wow, this week has gone by so fast. I almost feel like I'm still stuck on last week. Like I should be headed out to Prescott tomorrow and waiting for a call back from The OG. But no, that stuff already happened. Today (in a few hours) is my third day in training. I love it! The people are awesome, and I'm excited to be a server. Really freakin nervous though. I've never served before...BUT they are doing awesome to teach me so far.
I got to see Lani today (technically last night since its Friday now) I miss my baby sister. I'm happy for her though. She's doing well for herself. Nick and her have a great apartment. And Nick is an awesome cook!
Drove home at 0330, got home at 0500, talked to Nani for about half an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I"m afraid to sleep, because I have to be at work by 0900. I don't wanna end up sleeping though my alarm. So I figure I'll suck it up for another hour and a half then its time to get ready & eat breakfast. And I'll just be tired through out the day. But the days have been flying by. So 1600 should be here before I know it. Less than 12 hours already... Doesn't sound so bad. Then I can nap after work. A little bit of suffering never killed anyone (or did it?) hahaha.
Oh yeah! Got a kitten. Fidelis. she's a crazy one, that's for sure.
I got to see Lani today (technically last night since its Friday now) I miss my baby sister. I'm happy for her though. She's doing well for herself. Nick and her have a great apartment. And Nick is an awesome cook!
Drove home at 0330, got home at 0500, talked to Nani for about half an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I"m afraid to sleep, because I have to be at work by 0900. I don't wanna end up sleeping though my alarm. So I figure I'll suck it up for another hour and a half then its time to get ready & eat breakfast. And I'll just be tired through out the day. But the days have been flying by. So 1600 should be here before I know it. Less than 12 hours already... Doesn't sound so bad. Then I can nap after work. A little bit of suffering never killed anyone (or did it?) hahaha.
Oh yeah! Got a kitten. Fidelis. she's a crazy one, that's for sure.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
I decided I was going to bed early tonight. I guess 630pm is too early. But I didn't have anything better to do.
So I fell asleep listening to music.
Then I had this dream.
I was on a bus in Italy with Oliver, and he said something mean to me, so I slapped him. Then he tried to get off the bus that we were on. I freaked out because I didn't wanna be alone in this foreign country. Then we're passing this town that is supposed to be really historic and really special. So we get off the bus.
Next thing I know I'm at the airport with Nani. (my impression of this airport was that I was in America, though it looked like no airport I've ever been to.) So she's getting on this plane, and all I wanna do is cry. I don't know where she's going. Then I'm driving on a freeway. ( Looks Kinda like the I-17 coming from Flagstaff to Phoenix. Steep and really curvy though) Even though no one is in the car with me I've been dared to go 70mph at the turn ahead. So I gas it...
Next thing I know I'm awake. Eyes wide open and heart pounding so hear it's hurting my neck. I lay there for a second. Waiting for my heart to calm. It takes a minute or so, then I look around. When I first looked around (right then) I was so confused. What am I doing here? I kinda feel like that every day that I've been home.
What am I doing here?
So I fell asleep listening to music.
Then I had this dream.
I was on a bus in Italy with Oliver, and he said something mean to me, so I slapped him. Then he tried to get off the bus that we were on. I freaked out because I didn't wanna be alone in this foreign country. Then we're passing this town that is supposed to be really historic and really special. So we get off the bus.
Next thing I know I'm at the airport with Nani. (my impression of this airport was that I was in America, though it looked like no airport I've ever been to.) So she's getting on this plane, and all I wanna do is cry. I don't know where she's going. Then I'm driving on a freeway. ( Looks Kinda like the I-17 coming from Flagstaff to Phoenix. Steep and really curvy though) Even though no one is in the car with me I've been dared to go 70mph at the turn ahead. So I gas it...
Next thing I know I'm awake. Eyes wide open and heart pounding so hear it's hurting my neck. I lay there for a second. Waiting for my heart to calm. It takes a minute or so, then I look around. When I first looked around (right then) I was so confused. What am I doing here? I kinda feel like that every day that I've been home.
What am I doing here?
Monday, August 30, 2004
Ignorant people piss me off.
I started off having a horrible day. And no one seemed to care. Stina came over, we went to Olive Garden so I could apply. Then when we came back the UPS man delivered my new phone. Totally helped my day get better. Ran around did errans. Went and ate at Big Heng (Memories of my Little Bro, and Johannes). Came home, and now that I'm sitting here alone (again) I'm not having such a great day (again).
Seems to me, that it is much harder for me to deal with lonliness than anything, it makes the distance a lot harder.
anyways, as I said... I'm very irritated by ignorance right now.
I probably won't remember why tomorrow.
But, That's okay. I'd probably get PO'd again if I can remember tomorrow.
That's all for now.
I started off having a horrible day. And no one seemed to care. Stina came over, we went to Olive Garden so I could apply. Then when we came back the UPS man delivered my new phone. Totally helped my day get better. Ran around did errans. Went and ate at Big Heng (Memories of my Little Bro, and Johannes). Came home, and now that I'm sitting here alone (again) I'm not having such a great day (again).
Seems to me, that it is much harder for me to deal with lonliness than anything, it makes the distance a lot harder.
anyways, as I said... I'm very irritated by ignorance right now.
I probably won't remember why tomorrow.
But, That's okay. I'd probably get PO'd again if I can remember tomorrow.
That's all for now.
For some reason I feel like making a list of my fears (things I'm afraid of), so here goes. in no particular order.
My Fears:
1. The dark.
2. Being alone at night.
3. Heights.
4. Making an ass of myself infront of people.
5. Car accidents.
6. People I love dying.
7. What people think of me.
8. Growing up alone.
9. Sharks.
10. Dogs I don't know.
11. Walking alone in the woods.
12. Swimming in murky water.
13. Being cheated on.
14. Ghosts (if they exist).
15. Aliens (if they exist).
16. Bad people.
17. Not getting to do things I want in my lifetime
18. Telling people how I feel.
19. Wars.
20. Roaches.
21. Not Dying, but HOW I'll die.
22. My Weaknesses.
Well, I think that's it for now...
I'm sure I'll think of more. I'll just add them in later. If I do.
My Fears:
1. The dark.
2. Being alone at night.
3. Heights.
4. Making an ass of myself infront of people.
5. Car accidents.
6. People I love dying.
7. What people think of me.
8. Growing up alone.
9. Sharks.
10. Dogs I don't know.
11. Walking alone in the woods.
12. Swimming in murky water.
13. Being cheated on.
14. Ghosts (if they exist).
15. Aliens (if they exist).
16. Bad people.
17. Not getting to do things I want in my lifetime
18. Telling people how I feel.
19. Wars.
20. Roaches.
21. Not Dying, but HOW I'll die.
22. My Weaknesses.
Well, I think that's it for now...
I'm sure I'll think of more. I'll just add them in later. If I do.
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Just another day here in Arizona. Another second, minute, hour...
Time is passing by, and I'm at this stand still. I feel like I'm standing in a river, and the water that is flowing past me, around me, is time. Where am I going? What am I doing?
John left today. My "Little Bro". I didn't get to say goodbye, I never even got to say hello when I came back. Everyone has their own lives now. And I'm still here. Getting lonlier as the seconds, minutes, and hours go by...
Time is passing by, and I'm at this stand still. I feel like I'm standing in a river, and the water that is flowing past me, around me, is time. Where am I going? What am I doing?
John left today. My "Little Bro". I didn't get to say goodbye, I never even got to say hello when I came back. Everyone has their own lives now. And I'm still here. Getting lonlier as the seconds, minutes, and hours go by...
Friday, August 27, 2004
I'm Broken right now... Hawk is going too... And the one thing I meant to do today,that I didn't do, It's Stephen's Birthday (the "26th" even though its 3am now, it's still the 26th for me) I was gonna call him but I didn't.
Fuck Afghanistan, and FUCK this war!!!!!!!!!!! I give every member of the military that has gone (and is going) EVERYTHING in me that is respect or pride... I'd give them anything. But Dear GOD, I just want you guys to come home.
Come home safe, and come home now.
Fuck Afghanistan, and FUCK this war!!!!!!!!!!! I give every member of the military that has gone (and is going) EVERYTHING in me that is respect or pride... I'd give them anything. But Dear GOD, I just want you guys to come home.
Come home safe, and come home now.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
I feel like a five year old.
You know how when your parents would drop you off at the babysitters, and you'd cry and try to cling to them like it was going to keep them from ever leaving you...
Everyone I know here has a life, I used to have one too. But now I don't and they all still do. I don't like being alone right now. It hurts me enough that I can't be with Oliver. And I'll see them (my friends) but when it comes down to it, they all have to get back to their lives, and I am left alone... Again. And I want so bad to beg them not to go. Not to leave me alone, because I can't handle it right now, and I hurt too much to sit by myself and cry. Because that is all I do when I'm alone and I start thinking about how far away he is, or how long it will be before I can see him again. I just cry. And I can't not think about him, because everything I see and everything I do reminds me of him. But I never ask them to stay. I never ask anyone to stay.
You know how when your parents would drop you off at the babysitters, and you'd cry and try to cling to them like it was going to keep them from ever leaving you...
Everyone I know here has a life, I used to have one too. But now I don't and they all still do. I don't like being alone right now. It hurts me enough that I can't be with Oliver. And I'll see them (my friends) but when it comes down to it, they all have to get back to their lives, and I am left alone... Again. And I want so bad to beg them not to go. Not to leave me alone, because I can't handle it right now, and I hurt too much to sit by myself and cry. Because that is all I do when I'm alone and I start thinking about how far away he is, or how long it will be before I can see him again. I just cry. And I can't not think about him, because everything I see and everything I do reminds me of him. But I never ask them to stay. I never ask anyone to stay.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
I fell asleep listening to the rain last night, I think of him constantly and neither one of us is gone yet.
There is so little time that we have left together.
I pray that I'll be able to go see him when he has leave. But I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't get that chance.
I don't know what I expect out of the next year of my life. I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going ot need my family and friends to help me out. I don't know if they know that though.
There is so little time that we have left together.
I pray that I'll be able to go see him when he has leave. But I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't get that chance.
I don't know what I expect out of the next year of my life. I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going ot need my family and friends to help me out. I don't know if they know that though.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
It's our song... Fade To Black
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try.
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.
God...
I know I'll shatter
Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell i feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try.
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.
God...
I know I'll shatter
Monday, August 09, 2004
I went to the beach today (Extreme Beer Drinking) & I feel good right now... Earlier I was having a totally bad night. I've never had anyone throw my shit off a balcony. That's like stuff out of the movies. It wasn't Oliver. His room mate did it. I was so fucking hurt and pissed off when I realized it too. He threw my jeans, my underwear and my bra off third deck. I come out of the shower, hurt because he was yelling at me through the door, and no clothes to put on. I was pissed. Anyways I talked to him about it later. HE Had a bad day and someone else had pissed him off so when he came up to their room and the door was locked he snapped. I understand.
This weekend was (overall) good, crazy, but good. My arm hurts. I'm tired and I have to work in 5 hours, so I gotta be awake in 4. I NEED sleep. Today I made some CD's to play in the Jeep when I get home. All I wanted earlier tonight was home.
Caralynne's First day at kindergarten is today (the 9th), and earlier (yesterday the 8th) was the first time she swam without floaties. :) I wish I could have been there. I miss home...
This weekend was (overall) good, crazy, but good. My arm hurts. I'm tired and I have to work in 5 hours, so I gotta be awake in 4. I NEED sleep. Today I made some CD's to play in the Jeep when I get home. All I wanted earlier tonight was home.
Caralynne's First day at kindergarten is today (the 9th), and earlier (yesterday the 8th) was the first time she swam without floaties. :) I wish I could have been there. I miss home...
Saturday, August 07, 2004
I started to write yesterday, but I think I was already drinking when I did. Anyways, I ended up getting really drunk (drank for like 12 hours straight). So basically I got drunk, along with some other people, and talk about freaking drama! What is it with these guys since they came back from Australia? A bunch of stupid-heads! Anyways, people got belligerent. The OOD came by and other people shattered. Ugh! I hate seeing these guys like that.
So not much going on today. Went to sleep around 0630, and woke up at 1230. Still Fucking DRUNK! so everyone take a wild guess at what I did when I got out of bed....
That's right, I started drinking again! Hahahah! Cause I'm an alcoholic! I dunno, not really. Last weekend my mom says "Jonya, do you think you might have a problem?" I say I don't think so...I'd hate to see me if I did (by my standards) have a problem.
So not much going on today. Went to sleep around 0630, and woke up at 1230. Still Fucking DRUNK! so everyone take a wild guess at what I did when I got out of bed....
That's right, I started drinking again! Hahahah! Cause I'm an alcoholic! I dunno, not really. Last weekend my mom says "Jonya, do you think you might have a problem?" I say I don't think so...I'd hate to see me if I did (by my standards) have a problem.
Monday, August 02, 2004
I'm not quite sure what I thought this weekend was going to be like. You know, his first weekend back. There were all these things we talked about on the phone that we were gonna do when he came back.
Only thing we actually did was sit out and BBQ. WE weren't even supposed to BBQ here, we were gonna go to Bellows and do it, like abunch of us. Supposedly that is going to happen next weekend.
I'm freakin exhausted right now. I wanna just pass out
Only thing we actually did was sit out and BBQ. WE weren't even supposed to BBQ here, we were gonna go to Bellows and do it, like abunch of us. Supposedly that is going to happen next weekend.
I'm freakin exhausted right now. I wanna just pass out
There are always things I want to say to him...but I never do. Like we'll be laying there ~my head on his chest, I've never been as comforted by anything in my life as much as I am comforted by the sound of his heart beat.~ I just want to ask him if he loves me as much as I love him. I know he doesn't. I want to ask why it feels like he's pushing me away.
I know he leaves in a month. I know what he is leaving to. I am afraid. I'm not going to give up on "Us" just because he's going.
He's going for a good cause huh?
Hmmm... America (there are so many things that come through my head when I think about this subject, so I will pick just one) Land of the Free... Yeah, I can make my own choices. I fell for him. Is that really a choice? I think not. Maybe partially free. I am constantly affected by the choices of others. That is how this free thing works, right? So, free...but not free. The way I feel when I think about him leaving, I feel like a caged bird. Like I'm suffocating.
Sacrifices...
So right now freedom feels like a pillow over my face.
Something good has to come from this.
I know I am privleged to live where I live.
This is why. People before me made sacrifices.
I understand.
Courage is not the lack of fear, but the presence of fear, yet the will to move on...
I know he leaves in a month. I know what he is leaving to. I am afraid. I'm not going to give up on "Us" just because he's going.
He's going for a good cause huh?
Hmmm... America (there are so many things that come through my head when I think about this subject, so I will pick just one) Land of the Free... Yeah, I can make my own choices. I fell for him. Is that really a choice? I think not. Maybe partially free. I am constantly affected by the choices of others. That is how this free thing works, right? So, free...but not free. The way I feel when I think about him leaving, I feel like a caged bird. Like I'm suffocating.
Sacrifices...
So right now freedom feels like a pillow over my face.
Something good has to come from this.
I know I am privleged to live where I live.
This is why. People before me made sacrifices.
I understand.
Courage is not the lack of fear, but the presence of fear, yet the will to move on...
Friday, July 30, 2004
~Nothing...and yet Everything~
I can't explain the thoughts that are going through my head. *song of the moment: "Whiskey Lullaby" Brad Paisley & Allison Krauss*
I'm so scared of next month. I'm Afraid of Oliver leaving. And i know how I'll feel if somehting happends to him while he is gone. Combat. I know what possibilities are there, and I think about it so much...
I wish now that I was more ignorant, clueless or even stupid. Because this, what could happen, knowledge is killing me inside.
"years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away a little at a time. But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind. Until the night, she put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away his memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees. We found her with her face down in a pillow clinging to his picture for dear life, we laid her next to him beneath the willow while the angels sang a whiskey lullaby..."
I'm so scared.
I think about how things are going to be back home. How things are going to be when I can't hold him while I sleep, kiss him when I wake up, I won't be able to just sit next to him, watch movies with him, BBQ, Halo, naps, phone calls. Just him in letters...thats all I'll get.
God...I must be dreaming. This can't be happening to me. "We found him with his face down in a pillow, with a note that said I'll Love her til I Die..."
No, this can't be my life.
Why?
I can't explain the thoughts that are going through my head. *song of the moment: "Whiskey Lullaby" Brad Paisley & Allison Krauss*
I'm so scared of next month. I'm Afraid of Oliver leaving. And i know how I'll feel if somehting happends to him while he is gone. Combat. I know what possibilities are there, and I think about it so much...
I wish now that I was more ignorant, clueless or even stupid. Because this, what could happen, knowledge is killing me inside.
"years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away a little at a time. But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind. Until the night, she put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away his memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees. We found her with her face down in a pillow clinging to his picture for dear life, we laid her next to him beneath the willow while the angels sang a whiskey lullaby..."
I'm so scared.
I think about how things are going to be back home. How things are going to be when I can't hold him while I sleep, kiss him when I wake up, I won't be able to just sit next to him, watch movies with him, BBQ, Halo, naps, phone calls. Just him in letters...thats all I'll get.
God...I must be dreaming. This can't be happening to me. "We found him with his face down in a pillow, with a note that said I'll Love her til I Die..."
No, this can't be my life.
Why?
Thursday, July 29, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
So, Tomorrow is the day. I'm so happy. I hope I work the front counter again tomorrow because the day goes by so freakin' fast! This morning I had to work at 05:00, and when I was getting there I could see a bunch of Australians getting on a bus, and one walked past me and I go "you guys are leaving?" and he says "yep. We're heading out now." YAY!!!!!!!!!! The sooner they get home the sooner Oliver will be home. Less than 24 hours now. :) Oh Yay! Yay! YAY!!!!
I'm so happy. I wanted to jump up and down after I got off work because it will be one more shift there before I can see him. Oh I miss him so much. And, God, I love him more than anything. I can't wait to be able to hug him, and kiss him and fall asleep next to him... The whole time he's been gone I haven't been sleeping well. You'd think after a month and a half I would "adapt & overcome" but no. The closer it gets to him coming home the harder it is for me to sleep. I havent had a full night sleep in ages. The closest I came was Saturday night when I got really shit-faced and passed out. I was told that someone laid on me and I didn't even flinch. Even then that night I only slept for about 6.5 hours.
I can feel the lack of sleep killing my body. Especially this last few days. I dont think (besides Saturday night) that in the last week I've averaged more than 3.5 hours/night. and now I'm getting sick. It's wreaking havoc on me. :( I'm gonna try to take a nap though. Maybe it'll help.
YAY!!!!!!!! TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so happy. I wanted to jump up and down after I got off work because it will be one more shift there before I can see him. Oh I miss him so much. And, God, I love him more than anything. I can't wait to be able to hug him, and kiss him and fall asleep next to him... The whole time he's been gone I haven't been sleeping well. You'd think after a month and a half I would "adapt & overcome" but no. The closer it gets to him coming home the harder it is for me to sleep. I havent had a full night sleep in ages. The closest I came was Saturday night when I got really shit-faced and passed out. I was told that someone laid on me and I didn't even flinch. Even then that night I only slept for about 6.5 hours.
I can feel the lack of sleep killing my body. Especially this last few days. I dont think (besides Saturday night) that in the last week I've averaged more than 3.5 hours/night. and now I'm getting sick. It's wreaking havoc on me. :( I'm gonna try to take a nap though. Maybe it'll help.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
ahhhh. It's Sunday, and this is going to be the best week of my life. Oliver comes home Wednesday. I can't wait! and I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off! Woohoo! I'm sure he'll sleep or somehting while I work on Thursday. But I get to be with him for like 4 days straight (except for during work Thursday!) Hahaha, I should just call in that day. ;-) or for part of it. Maybe if I tell them soon enough I can get out of part of it or something.
Think so?
Think so?