Thoughts of Yesterdays
Jonya Ululani Repucci

He never told me it would last forever,
I guess I just assumed it would go there.
The end of three years took just an Instant,
I shiver and remember with tears.
I never dreamed life could change so fast into “What might have been?”
From dreams of tomorrow and the rest of our future,
To thoughts of yesterday and of My past.
I feel so lonely as I stand right here.
My throat gets tight, fingers around it, memories rush back.
It’s not real this time, but still I fill with fear.
I always though I could defend myself, always thought I was so tough and so strong.
But now grabbing at his hands I feel myself break.
I haven’t felt this low in so long.
My memory fades back to my past it’s my dad this time,
His hand around my wrist, I just wanted to run away.
A fight over scissors that ended with the snap of a belt,
Again I am broken… Back to thought’s of yesterdays…
I reach up to my face; I swear I can still feel that scab.
Back in the driveway, how did I end up on the ground?
My knees and my hands are scraped up my throat still hurts…
But that’s not what hurts most
I feel like he took my heart along with my breath in that one moment.
I told myself “walk away. Walk away and never look back.”
But it’s hard to not look back, I wonder if he could change.
I wonder if it would be the same fear or if I’d live in fear.
I look deep down I know the truth inside.
This time just makes it easier for next time,
And next time I might not be so lucky to walk away,
With a scab on my face and a scar on my heart…
So I will walk away, but I still look back.

I am Mario. I like to jump around, and would lead a fairly serene and aimless existence if it weren't for my friends always getting into trouble. I love to help out, even when it puts me at risk. I seem to make friends with people who just can't stay out of trouble. What Video Game Character Are You?

Yeah! Mario was always my Favorite!!! I hated being Luigi... :)

I am so retarded...not really (I am AVERAGE!) but I like these little quizzes. I know Crystal does too.



Yup... average! It's not bad, really, you'll survive life, and your personality doesn't have to stay average. Just don't be upset if you aren't winning every trivial pursuit game, if you know what I mean.


To all of those ppl who ever called me an IDIOT ... hahaha in your face...

Well today started off pretty good, I got to sleep in. I am getting ready to go down to the union to put my application in. But I am starving, so I wanna eat something first. ***Yummy leftover Chicken :) ***
I left Mike's house (around 12:15) and tried to call Crystals Brother, Mark, and my phone won't let me call out, but I can receive calls. You know what that means. The Bill. So I call mom when I get back to Crystals house (after I was lost for half an hour) and she said she paid the bill. I think I am going to get on their web page & see what's up.
Well I went to the page. As far as I can tell it’s not my phone running up the bill. It must be my ex’s (Both phones are under the same account) so I tried to call him and see if he has given my mom any money for his phone lately…No Answer. Damn it! I hate having to be the “bill collector” I think When I talk to him I am going to ask if he is ready to get his phone under his own name now. I don’t want to have to deal with him for this stuff. Sounds like a good idea to me.
Well I am going to call my mom again later. I was supposed to go down to the union today but I only have $29 in my account and I need $35 to pay the fee, but if I go today I will over draw my account and I can’t do that. (It’s an $18 fee) I might have to wait until Friday. Which freaking sucks because Crystal’s job is hiring now and the later I put in the lower on the list I get.

It's Monday! Yay !!! I just talked to Stina on the phone. I hope she moves up here then when I move up here we'll have the whole @5.7.9@ "crew" up here. I can't wait. It'll be great (p-wotw). SO life is good, I really love it up here. I knew I would. I wonder what my dad will say when I tell him I am gonna move out of Arizona... Probably "good riddance" hahaha. I tryed to call him the day before I left to come up here ,and see what it was like, and he never called me back. So he doesn't even know I am here. When I get back I bet he'll ask why I didn't tell him I was going, and then after he, pretty much, bitches me out for not telling him I went out of town He'll turn around and do the same thing ***It's happened before!!!*** We'll since he never called me back he doesn't know that I took my first written test on last Wednesday.
I've been watching cartoons all morning. Aren't you surprised I am even up in the morning? I am on "vacation" I'm supposed to sleep until noon. But know what, it doesn't bother me that I've gotten up early. I really need to go do laundry today. I've been wearing these socks for two days (yuck) and they aren't even my socks.... I had to borrow them from Crystal! ***SORRY DUDE!!!*** Yeah, I need to go wash clothes. Well I'm gonna go now. Bye :)

I found my sun glasses!!!!!!!!! They were in THE LAST PLACE I LOOKED!!! hahaha (Get it? the last place I looked! I crack myself up sometimes.) They were actually wrapped up in my black beenie (how the f&%^ do you spell that?) which was on the floor in a pile of clothes I was gonna throw for a wash. That would ahve been a tragedy (is that spelled right? I don't think so)

Crystal is a fucking Genius! She told me how to center this!
Woo Hoo!
Now I can post my poem that I read at Hazy Dayz...
Once I get off my lazy ass and get it from the car.

Wow, so it’s Sunday already! I have no idea where my fucking sunglasses went, Damn it! Ahhhhhhh! I’ve looked everywhere. Fuck it, I’ll find them later. (Or sooner)

So today was pretty cool, I watched a ton of Cartoons this morning. I don’t really remember what they were about or which ones were on. Hmmm, Alex is SOOOOO adorable (he is Mike’s [<- :)] little boy…2 years old) He was so shy this morning, but then he started not being shy anymore. At first he didn’t want to sit next to me on the couch but after a little while he came and sat next to me on the couch and crawled up and gave me a kiss. It was so cute! Then a few hours later I was playing with him and he jumped up and landed on my nose! Ouch! But I was okay (he kissed my forehead to make it better ***awwwww, how cute:)***) then I had a nosebleed for a whole 2 seconds. The last time I had a nosebleed was the third day of wrestling season my junior year in high school.

Wow it feels like it's 10:00 pm, but it's only 8pm. I am having a really good day (what little of it I had) I didn't go to bed until 6:00am this morning, and then I woke up at nine. But I went back to bed around 1 and slept until 4pm! I am so LAZY! I am getting ready to leave now, but I wanna get at least one "blog" in per day. :) Tomorrow I am going to the mountains and I'm gonna play in the snow. I had fun last night, I met a lot of really cool people, And Pat (Crystal's Boyfriend ~they are SOOOOO cute together) Has freakin Awesome friends (a few cute ones too ~Mike & Matt ;) ) nah, I love it up here in Colorado! It's so beautiful. When I was little I always wanted to move to Colorado. I love it here. It's so great....

Speaking of Moves... I've been thinking about moving to Tucson for a semester, I really like the idea of it. Tucson is really a lot better than I used to think it was. I dunno give me some feed back here. I would be coming for spring 2003. I wonder if Pima Community College has a swim team??? Anyone care to do some reasearch? We'll I'm off. Have a GREAT day & Night!

Fuck it, Have a great week...can you tell I'm loving it here?

Okay so here I am in Colorado...It's beautiful. I didn't get to see it when we drove in last night, it had been dark since New Mexico. But I went out aside, and it was so nice. It's windy the trees are losing thier leaves (it's fall) and the sky is so blue. I've seen blue sky before, don't get me wrong, but it's just perfect. Well I haven't done much today so I don't have anything to write about. Maybe I'll write later. Bye :).

All right! We made it here in one piece! Woo hoo! For those of you who I haven’t called yet (Or did call and you weren’t home)… We are here at Crystal’s house safe and sound. Yay! I am so hungry! We’ve been here for about 15 minutes. Okay well I am going to go now. I’m tired and don’t feel like writing a whole lot. Have a nice night guys. Call me if you want, my phone is still on and it doesn’t cost me extra to use it here… Voice Stream’s “South West Region” plan. I love my phone, hahaha! Okay bye guys.

so it's the 7th, but to me it's still the sixth. I haven't slept yet... to tell you the truth I am not too tired. Since to me it is stilll the sixth I will tell you what I did today. I took my first written test (for a paid position) for Surprise and El Mirage Fire Department, then I went to Tucson to see lani before I go to Colorado, and guess what! I read a poem, a poem that I wrote! Yay! I am so proud of myself. Well I am off to Colorado in a few minutes. Pray for us! I love you Lani.

November 5th… two more days and I will be on my way to Colorado. To tell you the truth I am actually nervous about the drive down there. It’s a 13-16 hour drive. We start off on Thursday (the 7th) Morning. In hopes of getting sleet instead of Ice. But the thing is that by the time we get to where the difference will be sleet or ice it will be sunset or close to sunset already. That’s what makes me nervous. Ice. Cars don’t do to good on ice. It’s going to be nice though. I can’t wait to get away for a little while! It’s been great having Crystal here. She bought me food like 3-4 times already, I hate being broke! I am supposed to take her out she’s the one visiting. But it’s awesome to have her here. The drive back to Colorado is gonna be so Crazy!
Not much else happening in my life. Casey is cool. My ex called me the other day (while I was at Casey’s house) and told me that since he was 17 (he’s 22 now) he’s loved me and that I am like a “permanent fucking scar” in his mind and that he wants me to go away. He wants me to disappear. He doesn’t ever want to talk to me again…not because he hates me but because he loves me that much, and all I am ever gonna do is hurt him… Let me fill you in. Stephen & I went out for a year and a half, we broke up about three months before I turned 16, I haven’t been his girlfriend since then, I am 19 and a half now. I feel really bad for the guy. I think his biggest problem was that he doesn’t have any confidence in him self. If he did he would be so much better off from where he is now. He is doing well though, but he just doesn’t have any confidence in himself. He really needs that. He is a pretty good-looking guy, and he’s sweet, but no one’s gonna dig him unless he boosts his self esteem. I still love him, but it’s not the kind of love that people who are dating have. I love him like he is family. You don’t just go out with someone for a year and a half and lose that, it’s there it always will be…just not the way he wants it.
Like I was saying Casey is cool. I think I’ve known him for like 3 weeks. I’m not quite sure. Oh I met him on the 18th (of October) I think…hahah. It was funny, once I took a shower over there (not with him…perverts!) And later that week he said I could take a shower over there anytime I wanted. Well I joked back with him that I didn’t want to because he didn’t have conditioner…well two days later he shows me all this stuff he bought, and the last thing he pulls out of the bag he goes “oh and this” and It was a bottle of conditioner. Awww! How cute! Cheezy grin!

Wow today is the 4th of November. I can't believe how much has changed in the last year. And how fast the last year has gone. I remember last Thanksgiving I spent part of it over at Teresa & Bruce’s. Caralynne said, “Oh, Damn it!” at the table and everyone was like “???” she is only three right now. So she was two years old at the time. She has gotten so big and is still so small. The other part of Thanksgiving I spent over at Mike’s house, but not this year. Wow, how can three years end in the blink of an eye? Just an instant and it was all over. I wonder now if it was meant to end that way? His family was always so nice to me. I wonder If this year at Thanksgiving they will miss me. I will miss them. I don’t plan on doing anything with my family this year for Thanksgiving. It’s not even my family anymore. I already know what it would be like if I went over there.

Scenario 1, With Dad’s family for Thanksgiving: Go over to dads sometime around noon. Supposed to meet April’s (step-mom’s) Family around one or two. Sit around the house and wait for and hour and a half before family at his house is even remotely looking like they are ready. They look like they are ready. Oh, nope I was wrong. Briana still has to brush her hair…(don’t get me wrong I love them all) so it’s 2:00pm now. Everyone is ready and has their shoes on and ready to go. So I head out to my car to follow them over there. I am sitting in the car waiting; it’s 2:10 now. Finally their car starts up and everyone is sitting in the van. They are ready! Oh wait no. Forgot the camera in the house. Okay it’s 2:15pm now. They found the camera and are backing out. We drive over to wherever we are going. We walk in. Dad is pissy because I didn’t ride with them. Caralynne is cranky because she didn’t get her nap today. Briana and April are fighting over something stupid like she is wearing the wrong shoes because she didn’t have enough time to find the other ones and April made her rush out of the house so she couldn’t grab them. Well we walk in the house and find out that everyone else got there at 1:30 and we are 45minutes late. WELCOME TO MY FAMILY! Lani knows what I am talking about.

Scenario 2, With Mom’s family for Thanksgiving: So we are supposed to be there at 4:00pm. It’s 4:00pm now and mom is finally ready. Richard has been ready and there is just the three of us. I can’t drive behind them if they are going out to Chandler, that’s just too far, but it might be worth it to be able to leave early (not like I have anywhere else to go) We are having thanksgiving with Richard’s (my step-dad’s) Family. And we are already late. Mom is always late, and lately she’s been a real bitch too. SO she is probably already nagging at either Richard, or me, Or Hey! Maybe even both of us! So today is already a bad day. We are late (embarrassing enough.) and she is bitching. So we get there sit on the couch for an hour and a half eat watch the football game (highlight of my day so far) sit on the couch some more. My annoying step cousin bothers me about what happened to my ankle. SO I tell him for the fourth time, Surgery. Then my stepbrother starts in on how he has all this cool shit going on. His girlfriend is the only one close to my age that isn’t totally retarded. I can have a decent conversation with her for a few minutes. I look at my phone it’s 7:30pm now…when can we go home? I wish some one would call me so I would have a reason to leave! Finally I get up and tell everyone “good bye, and how fun today was, thank you for having me. Yeah hugs for everyone have a safe drive home. Okay yeah mom I’ll call you later. No mom I don’t know what I am doing. All right mom! Bye!” Ugghhh, now she’s pissed me off with twenty questions, I am an Adult now and she treats me like a child! I hate it. I wish I had lots of money to move far away from her and still pay for my Jeep. WELCOME TO MY OTHER FAMILY! Once again Lani understands. Don’t you Lani. :)

PS: Lani is not included in either of the scenarios for 2 reasons:
One: She lives in Tucson.
And Two: She smart enough to stay there for Thanksgiving (she knows how our family is)

Well the last few days my entries have been pretty short. But at least I am trying to get them on here, right? I got back from Tucson today around 2:30 that's after taking Stina home. I would have been home by 2:00 which is freakin awesome time. We left around 12:40 that's what my clock said when we got on the freeway. Hella Cool, huh?! (wotw) anyways I am getting ready to take Crystal to visit Stephen. I dunno how long it is since she's seen him. I really don't want him to see me. The last time I saw him he was drunk and kept saying how much he loved me...For those of you who don't know him he is one of my ex-boyfriends, we went out for a year and a half. That’s a freakin long time.

Hmmm, what else is going on in my life? Let’s see. I met a guy. His name is Casey and he's freakin awesome. I really like him. And I think he likes me. But he doesn't know what he wants... don't really know any guys that do. So I guess it's good that I am going to Colorado, then we'll have time apart because I think I like him too much for what he wants. But then again I dunno what he wants. He acts like he likes me a lot. Ugghhhhh! I don't freakin know!

Yesterday was so awesome! I got to see Crystal and christina for the first time in like a year. WooHoo! We are in Tucson right now, adn we are gonna go out so I can't write a lot now. Maybe later. Even though I didn't write anything yesterday. Well I will right later, okay. OH, and I did end up getting to go out on Halloween. Okay, bye.

Yeah ! so My life is completely LAME! I am at home on Halloween! May I mention that I am at home ALONE! No firends over what so ever. Just my parents, and since I've been here not even one trick-or-treater! I have the most boring life imagineable! I can't even afford gas to just drive around because Even though I work four days a week from 8am to 5pm my last paycheck was for $88! How pathetic is that! Anyways I'm gonna TRY to find something to do! Some one please rescue me...

So I don't get to go to Hazy Dayz tonight, I'm totally bummed. The first time in a month that I haven't made it. Well I was busy yesterday, but I can't believe I missed a post (and now I can't even type good). So yesterady was work it was okay, today was pretty good. it went fast. :) that is the best! when something so long goes so fast. I wish I could go to Hazy Dayz tonight. It's 6:38 if I hauled ass I would be there by nine. But then the drive home in the morning! UGHHHH! I can't handle that drive alone, I was falling asleep last time I tried it. It's just too hard if I have to work.

Today is The 30th, In two days I get to see one of my best friends. Yay! I can't wait. It's gonna be great ( wotw #1) we are gonna have so much fun, I haven't seen Crystal in over a year. Same for Christina (who is going wiht me to get Crystal from the airport) man the three of us were close, come on! we were @5.7.9@ ~if you don't know the story call me and I'll tell you~I can't wait to see them again. It's been so long. I'm going to feel like I'm in High School again. Well I am gonna go see what my neighbor is up to. I wish I was in Tucson.
:( Sorry I couldn't make it Lani...I really wanted to. Well Friday is gonna be hella cool (wotw #2) no Work, I'm gonna see Lani and Crystal and Stina!!!

Tomorrow is Halloween, I am still trying to figure out how exactly I want my costume to look. I have a big part of it...But I don't know what else I can do. I'm tired, maybe I'll just take a nap instead of visiting my neighbor...Choices...Why is everything choices? A

Ugghhh! Monday! hahaha It was (and still is) acti\ually a good day. I am at work right now. Such a slacker aren't I? Well I only have 10 minutes left, and I didn't wanna miss a post today so I figutred I would take care of it right now. I can't wait til Friday! Crystal comes in at 10:00 pm! Yay! A whole weekend (and much more) with my Best Friend! This week is going to go so slow becasueI jsut want friday to come! AHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so EXCITED! okay I'm gonna go now... Only 5 minutes left! WooHooo! I can't believe how fast today went. I love you Lani, Hopefully see you on Wednesday. :)

Well, I am back from Tucson now, the drive home was actually pretty interesting. I met a guy named Robert. I was doing the "drive by & check out car next to me for hot guys" thing and I drove past his car. He's pretty cute. When I past him he came back up next to me to look again, then he held up his phone like he wanted my phone number. Funny enough, I had a sharpie Marker and Paper in my seat next to me. So I wrote it down and held it up when I past them again. Hahaha! doesn't that crack you up? Well About 30 miles later I am getting off on the exit for the Northbound I-17 and he passes me again, and his mom holds up a paper that said "stop at next exit" hehehe. right on. WellI talked to him for about 5 or 10 min at the Gas station. He is on vacation and he has an awesome accent. He's from Chezch...(shit, I can't spell it) anyways his family is on vacation to California for a week and he said he will call me on the way back. How cool is that! Well I have to work tomorrow. So I need to get to bed, somewhat, on time. Night. :)

I don't have much to write today. It's Sunday, and I am still in Tucson. I leave today though. I have to work on Monday. I wish I could come back Wednesday for Hazy Dayz. I went last night and got a cup of chai. They have freakin' awesome chia there. Wanna know a really good combination... Chai and Peanut Butter M&M's I'm gonna go now.

I'll write later...hopefully.

***I feel like playing the guitar right now...If only I knew how to play...Note to self: go home & tune guitar...try to play a few chords.