I'd like to start writing more. Not that I ever have much to say, but it's nice to think that maybe someone is listening.
I have blisters on my feet from walking so much in the last few days. Since monday I've walked about 10 miles. Monday was around 2.5, Tuesday was about 5, and Today was again around 2.5. All this after being on my feet all day.  Oh woe is me. I feel like bitching right now just because I'm so exhusted, but when I try to sleep I can't. I'm usually a light sleeper, but since Sunday night it's been re-god Damn-diculous! on average I've gotten about 3-4 hours a night. and my body is starting to feel it.  I actually like the walking though. I like the time alone to think my own thoughts, and today I ran a little bit of the walk to.  I always liked that feeling, like when I wrestled, and I'd be so sore but coach made us push.  The burning feeling. *sigh* (bear crawls).
I talked to Scott today. Man talk about memories, I've known that kid for 5 years... has it really gone by that fast? It seems like yesterday we were competing to be the better distance swimmer on the team. Talked for an hour and 45 minutes, guess times haven't changed that much. I told him about whats happend in my life since I last saw him, how Jo's been doing (i think he always had a thing for her, everyone did), told him about Oliver and how much I love him (oliver), and we talked about people from high school, and one-hundred and eight!. No one ever understood us for that.  "bist Du neu?" we'd say to them. Hahaha! I wish he'd had a better day and that his girlfriend wasn't such a bitch.  I miss ya Scott.

One month exactly since I've written. It is a pity I don't write more. 
Oliver will be home from Australia within a week.  I cannot express on this page how glad I will be (in so many different ways) that he will be near me again.  I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cursed the Marine Corps for having taken him away from me and put him in another country for SIX damn weeks. 
As there have been many times in my life where I have thought of enlisting, this is not one of them. And the time that he has been gone has made me realize that I would not enlist under any of the following circumstances:
A) I was not completely single.
B) It was any other service that the best, if you know me you know the answer to this.
C) I had a job that I wanted.

I am not saying that good things have not come from this (his being gone).  I know now, more than ever, that I truly love him.  People say "distance make the heart grow fonder" I'm not sure it's that it make it grow fonder. It's just that once you are not able to see someone or hold someone, or even call someone you realize exactly how much you care about them.  I already knew how much I cared about him, I just couldn't express it. I think it might have been that I was too afraid. I still am afraid, but I'm not afraid to express it now.

Things were different with people I loved before.  Stephen (no offense to him) was puppy love. I was 14-15 years old at the time, I see that now.  Michael was (and is) someone I truly cared about. love? I remember thinking (the day he told me he loved me) that he didn't know what he was talking about.  We'd been dating for about 3 weeks at the time.  I was 16 and so was he.  I did not immediately tell him that I also loved him. I thought about it for awhile and eventually I felt like "yes, I do love him".  My justification for this feeling was "he is someone I want to have in my life, for the rest of my life".  And then there is Oliver. The first time he told me he loved me I thought "could he really care about me as much as I care about him?" I did love him, and at that time I loved him the same way I loved Michael.  Someone I wanted in my life for the rest of it.  But time has gone by, and things have happened that have helped me realize exactly how I loved him and why. He is not just someone I want in my life for the rest of it, he's someone I want to be with for the rest of it.

Some people might think there is something wrong with me for saying that. I don't.
yeah, forever big word huh? But if you read the definition of forever     n : time without end ...
Wow.
Really no one knows what forever is.
Forever could be tomorrow.

I miss Oliver so much. :( He's been gone for a week already. Australia is pretty far away and I haven't gotten a call from him yet. That makes me sad. The last time I got to see him was June 13th, and now it's the 21st. I cried so much the weekend he left.

I wonder how bad I will feel when He goes to Okinawa. 6 months is So long. (If anyone is reading this, I'd wait for this guy as long as he asked me to...just so you know)

Other than this "loneliness" I do have more going on in my life. I got a new job. :) $900/2 weeks! Yay! I miss home though. And I miss my family a lot. I hope I get to go home sometime to visit. I really want to.

It has been forever since I'd last written in here. Tomorrow would be a month without writing. I feel so computer illiterate anymore. I hate not having a computer! Well since I had written last not much has happened...I did get jumped about two weeks ago...woo hoo! *sarcasm* Then My boyfriend and I broke up about a week and a half ago, got back together 5 days later and he is treating me much better now. :) other than that...My mom came to hawaii to visit me for a week. She actually came to see my cousin graduate from High School, but spen most of the week wit me. :) I love my mom...

Wow! I never write anymore....
I'm finally 21!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! And I've had a boyfriend for like 2 months now. It's cool.

so a guy walks in and says "12 hours into Libo and Kilo company already got recalled." yep. Hahaha, I'm sure they are all so happy to have to be in formation right now. :-) while I can sit back and do, ummm, this! Hahaha. I'll write later.

Once again I am out at kaneohe... My Boyfriend Is wrestling on the floor with his friend and I'm on my sixth beer. hahaha. I miss Shannon and the kids. God, I love them. People out here are crazy. I love it! hahhaa. Stina was pissed at me earlier, but it's cool now. Damn I can't type now. hahaha. Fucki it, I'm done.

I'm freakin wasted right now... Out at Kaneohe...I swear I'm fucking crazy! I haven't had a Boyfriend in over a year and a half, now I have one and I'm not sure it's the right guy. What is wrong with me? JTG?!? What the fuck am I thinking?

Someone help me please

Wow, I love it here. (hawaii) I really miss things (and people)back home but I know I wouldn't mind being here for a while. :-D I'm sure by the time September comes I'll be sick of it...gotta go.

Oh! I think I have a boyfriend now!

have you ever seen a place with One Hundred and Eight DIFFERENT types of beer on tap???
I think now that I have seen it my life is almost complete (hehehe, YEAH right!)

I have a date tonight!

Crystal, I am a MIKE magnet...

Okay, again I am not keeping up with the writing. *smacks hand* "bad me!" hahaha. A lot has happened for me lately though.
I have a job that people only DREAM about having! I work as a Lifegaurd on a Cruise Boat! Can you believe that? AHHHHH it's so cool. (okay, wow, I sound like a kid) But check this out. I saw Whales and Sea turtles ("Honu" since I am constantly corrected by my local cousins. I am also No longer allowed to say "Dude!" instead I am to say "Brah!". Is that great or what.
Lets see...Also the guy that took me to the beach that one night called me. As I mentioned in my previous post he is NOT my kind of guy. But it's nice to have some one going after me. I felt bad when he called, he's all "Hey how are you?" I say, "I'm fine...who are you?" he says "It's *Tom." and I'm like "Who?" and he says again "*Tom!". I ask "Do I know you?" (poor guy) he says "I hope so, do I have the right number?" I was like "I dunno, Who are you trying to call? " (In the aftermath of this I feel really bad.) He reply's "you!" To which I reply, "Have I ever talked to you before?" He comes back, "I hope so, It's *Tom from the Beach!" and I'm like "OH!!! *Tom! Hahaha, I remember!!!"

Just think of that...How bad would you feel? It's okay though...I dilude my conscience a bit by saying things like "It's okay, he's not my type." and "How was I supposed to know he'd call, I didn't give him my number..."

That's right ladies and gentlemen...He tracked me down. Kinda makes me feel good.......... In a weird sort of way.

*names have been edited for privacy (of other people...)I don't really care about mine, As you can see.

So I havent really been "blogging" lately...I guess I've been kinda busy. But I have to write about this. Last night was the first night I got to get away from family (here in Hawaii) and I went with a few new friends to the bar. Well the guy that picked me up to go to the bar lives far so someone that lives closer to me volunteered to take me home. Now this guy (that took me home) is not the most attractive guy but he was really funny, and cool to hang out with. Keep that in mind...So you know that although It was really cool it was not *perfect* (nothing ever is)
So the bar closes at 2am and we head out. I was not tired at all so after we dro off the other person that was getting a ride I make a comment about not being tired. Well I had a sweet tooth so we end up at Anna Millers and had coffee and I had Pie. Then we head out to take me home and we're talking about surfing, beaches, and camping on the beach. (at the time I could not recall ever being at a beach in the middle of the night) So I say That I had not been to the beach at night before. We keep driving and he says that when we are close to my aunties I need to give him directions. Well a little later I realize we are no where near my aunties. And I ask where we are. "Detour" he says. I'm thinking 'right...' so we keep driving and then turn left and park in this big parking lot. And get out. I don't know whats going on so I ask. He says "You said you weren't tired." 'Yeah', I reply. And he continues "and that you hadn't been to the beach at night..." So were were at the beach at like 345am. and we sat there until like 720am waiting for the sun to come up over Diamond Head...
Aside from the crappy sunrise (because of all the clouds in the sky you couldn't see anything.) the night was really freakin' cool.

So...whoa! My Life is moving so fast. Not really fast, acctually kinda slow. I'm getting on a plane on Friday. A plane going to Hawaii! Yay! I'm so excited.
I need to finish packing. So much to do and so little time to do it.

So, whoa! I'm so freakin tired right now. I've already put in 23 hours this week...Thats a lot for me.
Hmmm, I'm trying to think about something cool to write about, but the truth...hahaha...nothing really cool has happened to me since Saturday. I was so tired on Monday that I felt completely incompetent at most every thing I did that day. But I'm doing much better now. I actually got out of work early today! Yay!
And...He called me!

OKay so I lied...I didn't meet the guy I was gonna marry on Wednesday..hahaha.
I had a great night tonight (01.24.2004) good day, great night ...Once I got a fortune cookie that said "good to begin well, better to end well" I totally agree.

My body is so SORE right now. It feels good though. It's just like my chest and my legs.
Work was crazy this week. I swear I met the guy I'm gonna marry. I met him on Wednesday...He was totally perfect (for me). Too bad I don't have his number (or vice versa)
It was just that the whole time he was there he would look at me and smile (and once he even did a little wink) and when he left he was talking to me, like REALLY talking to me. God! Why do I let people like that walk away!??! I half thought of running after him when he walked out the door, but then I came back to reality and saw the line of people that had been waiting in line behind him. But he really talked to me, not just small chat. And when he left he smiled and didnt even turn his back to me until he was out the door, a little grin as he left.
I let him walk away...And all I have is his name...

"I'm so tired of being here,
Surpressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave,
'Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone,
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just to real,
There's just to much that time can not erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of you tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears...
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have...All of me..."

I Have have this note that he wrote me (so long ago), he said he would fight to keep me...That he would never let me just walk away...But I did walk away. He never fought for me.
God damn it! It's been so fucking long!
Eh! That song was on while I was driving home today. Guess that's why I was thinking this shit. The song makes me think of him...I'd swear they wrote it for me...hahaha. Oh well, enough of that. I need a nap. :)

So, I met a guy last night... and of course (with my luck) he's moving to New Mexico Friday. WTF is that? oh well...I couldn't have expceted too much anyways, right?

I'm at the library with Stina now...Gotta get shit done.

I went snow boarding on January 2nd! OMG it was so freakin awesome! hehehe, maybe I'll get to go again this weekend. I still gotta find a board though. We'll see.
Aywasy it was my first time boarding. I made four runs down (we were at Big Bear in California). By the time I was ready to start my fourth run I was so exhausted that I was thinking "why did I wanna go again?" but the whole day was so worth it. TC, Shawn, Houston, me. They said I did really good for my first time out.
I wanna go again so bad!!!!!!!!!!

Damn, I deleted my blog! Grrrr! anyways... so, Christmas has come and gone. Almost New Years now, I can't believe how fast time is going.

And how long it's been. I think that is the only think I dis-like about "the Holidays" a.k.a. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years...I tend to think about the past alot. Not that I try to, but my good Memories just freely flow in around this time of the year.

I used to keep count...of how long it had been. I guess it never really mattered. I keep dreaming about him, just lately. Now I wonder "what if".

Do you know how many times I have told my-self not to look back? And, do you know how many times I have looked back? No, nobody knows. Why? Because I don't tell them.

I don't tell them how much it hurts me to think of him, or how the slightest thing (his smell, spiked hair, Metallica, some foods) sends me this memory, of him, of what it was like to be with him.

So the point of the story? There isn't one...I guess. Or is there? I would tell people my problems but they would say to look at how long its been...I should be over it by now. And usually I am. But lately? I'm not right now. Ha! I was the same way last year around this time. I look at the last year of my life and I kinda went to shit with it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be happy...

I was happy with him, I was happy before so many things in my life changed. Everything is different now though.

Don't look back...

Christmas Eve and I'm sitting at home,
Wondering why I am sitting alone...
Wishing I had someone holding my hand,
These thoughts, alone, are making "Holidays" bland.

Looking up at the stars shining bright,
Thinking of You on this cold, lonely, winter night...
But You shouldn't be the one in my heart,
And still, every year, that's the hardest part.

How much longer will thoughts of you linger in my mind?
My "Un-Answered Prayer" from two years back in time,
And now all I wish is for those thoughts to fade
For those dreams with you to go away.

Faster than they fade each day,
Until finally they will still away.
Then maybe, looking at the stars shining bright,
IT won't be such a cold, lonely, winter night...
By: Jonya Repucci 12/24/2003

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all - A Good Night..."