"I'm so tired of being here,
Surpressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave,
'Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone,
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just to real,
There's just to much that time can not erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of you tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears...
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have...All of me..."

I Have have this note that he wrote me (so long ago), he said he would fight to keep me...That he would never let me just walk away...But I did walk away. He never fought for me.
God damn it! It's been so fucking long!
Eh! That song was on while I was driving home today. Guess that's why I was thinking this shit. The song makes me think of him...I'd swear they wrote it for me...hahaha. Oh well, enough of that. I need a nap. :)

So, I met a guy last night... and of course (with my luck) he's moving to New Mexico Friday. WTF is that? oh well...I couldn't have expceted too much anyways, right?

I'm at the library with Stina now...Gotta get shit done.

I went snow boarding on January 2nd! OMG it was so freakin awesome! hehehe, maybe I'll get to go again this weekend. I still gotta find a board though. We'll see.
Aywasy it was my first time boarding. I made four runs down (we were at Big Bear in California). By the time I was ready to start my fourth run I was so exhausted that I was thinking "why did I wanna go again?" but the whole day was so worth it. TC, Shawn, Houston, me. They said I did really good for my first time out.
I wanna go again so bad!!!!!!!!!!

Damn, I deleted my blog! Grrrr! anyways... so, Christmas has come and gone. Almost New Years now, I can't believe how fast time is going.

And how long it's been. I think that is the only think I dis-like about "the Holidays" a.k.a. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years...I tend to think about the past alot. Not that I try to, but my good Memories just freely flow in around this time of the year.

I used to keep count...of how long it had been. I guess it never really mattered. I keep dreaming about him, just lately. Now I wonder "what if".

Do you know how many times I have told my-self not to look back? And, do you know how many times I have looked back? No, nobody knows. Why? Because I don't tell them.

I don't tell them how much it hurts me to think of him, or how the slightest thing (his smell, spiked hair, Metallica, some foods) sends me this memory, of him, of what it was like to be with him.

So the point of the story? There isn't one...I guess. Or is there? I would tell people my problems but they would say to look at how long its been...I should be over it by now. And usually I am. But lately? I'm not right now. Ha! I was the same way last year around this time. I look at the last year of my life and I kinda went to shit with it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be happy...

I was happy with him, I was happy before so many things in my life changed. Everything is different now though.

Don't look back...

Christmas Eve and I'm sitting at home,
Wondering why I am sitting alone...
Wishing I had someone holding my hand,
These thoughts, alone, are making "Holidays" bland.

Looking up at the stars shining bright,
Thinking of You on this cold, lonely, winter night...
But You shouldn't be the one in my heart,
And still, every year, that's the hardest part.

How much longer will thoughts of you linger in my mind?
My "Un-Answered Prayer" from two years back in time,
And now all I wish is for those thoughts to fade
For those dreams with you to go away.

Faster than they fade each day,
Until finally they will still away.
Then maybe, looking at the stars shining bright,
IT won't be such a cold, lonely, winter night...
By: Jonya Repucci 12/24/2003

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all - A Good Night..."

yes....that is me alright. Hehehehe...
Happy Holidays Everybody...

BTW I graduated from the Academy on December 17th! (2003 of course)

My interview was this morning (December 4th). I think it went well. Very Well. Like They laughed at things I said and I didn't forget to say anything. I really wanna be out there.
Wow! i'm so freaking tired now, I clicked out of this window for two minutes and forgot what I was doing. It's because I'm talking to someone Cool. JJS :)
So yeah, Class is crazy...I'm pissed at myself for Wednesday night. I could have done so much better, but I just wasn't there (mentally). I can't do that shit...that's how people get hurt. I think I was just hella stressed...FINALS

I don't have much time to write...
Did you know that LAFitness (tries) charges $15 for a guest pass! Kinda BS...
So class is going great we had a burn at the Chandler training facility a about a week and a half ago. This Saturday we have one out in Tempe. :) I love burns...
I can't believe Thursday is Thanksgiving...
Tomorrow I am going out to Durango to let the Juvie kids have Thanksgiving...Something Buckeye fire is doing...
Speaking of, I got my letter Friday...
Wish me luck...

Mass Casualty day was so bad ass! My crew was first engine in and I was the Nozzleman so I got to pull the handline in!
I have a new Engine now...I'm on Engine 1! hehehe. It's cool. Well on Saturday WE were the first crew in and I found three victims...Tow Immediates and one Delayed. My Plugman and Engineer took out the first immediate and the delayed patient. My Crew's Captain and I kept searching our floor of the building. When We got around to the South east side of the floor I found another Immediate Patient, so the Captain and I took him out.
It was SO much FUN!

Damn, I haven't written in almost a month. Wow. I've been freakin busy!
Academy is going freakin awesome. Tomorrow is Mass Casualty day. It's gonna be bomb.

I'm testing right now. I hope I do good. I think I will. The written is this weekend.
Lets see. since the last time I wrote....Halloween happened!!!!!!!! Bomb ass party the weekend before at Houstons. So much fun. I met a guy there, Robert, He's cool. I like him.

I'm totally sure that Houston doesn't like me like that. Don't really need to say why, but it's cool cause he's awesome and all but he probably makes a better friend than boyfriend and all. I guess.

Tony called me Monday...and again on Friday. Crazy huh? hehehe.
So...out of them all I like Robert the most. For now at least.

So this thing with Houston, it'd never work. Both of us being in the Academy together, It'd be kinda tough, I don't know, tough to explain to people that don't understand the class and how much it takes out of you and how much time it takes up.

I'm not crazy I'm just a little un-well, I know right now you can't tell. Just stay a while and maybe then you'll see...a different side of me...

So I don't know if it means anything but I talked to Houston last night. He called my phone and was like "did you call?" and I say "yeah a few people from my class are hanging out..." and proceed to invite him. Then he asks if I sent him a text message. I say 'no, just the one last week about thanks for the gas' and he says "oh, someone sent me one saying 'I'll call you tomorrow' " I laugh, "No, it wasn't me" I say, then proceed to say "But I will if you want" and he chuckes and says "right on"

So now I wonder....

Today I'm doing a 24 hour shift. Shibby!
Today I feel like it won't be long...I swear I can feel it coming.

And I don't want the World to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand...When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

There is a guy that I like...but I think if I ever had a chance with him I blew it big time on saturday night. His name is Houston *sigh* yeah, I'm sure I fucked it up. A bunch of us were meeting at my house so we could all go to a party. and I started drinking as soon as I got home from class (at 630pm) people we're meeting at my house at 845pm...so Ron and I are drinking and I'm trying to keep up to Ron. Then Houston gets to my house and I (wanna show off) so I bust out the Jose Cuervo and start doing shots...by 9pm I've had 6 beers and 5 shots. Then we go to the party. I have one more beer on the way and then we get there. I have a corona at the party and end up falling ( I swear I was pushed) into the pool. Freeze my Ass off! and then BLANK I remember waking up with my head in a trash can and I remember laying in the back of a big car (I thought it was a truck but it was a Suburban) Then I remember waking up in my bathroom at home.

I haven't had a Hangover since I was a junior in high school...that was almost 5 years ago (cause it was New Years Eve my junior year)

So yeah, I think IF I ever did have a chance with Houston, I don't anymore. Shitty feeling cuz he's a freakin awesome guy.

We talked about stress in class last night. Firefighter is rated the #3 most stressful job in the US (#1 being President and #2 the CEO of a large Company) I can see how too...I heard a great analogy for it last night.

"it's like every shift you are there walking around with your basket and all day long you pick up rocks and put them in this basket then at the end of your shift you dump the rocks out of your basket and take the basket home. Well one day you go to dump out your basket and one of those rocks doesn't come out so you take it home with you. And this keeps happening until you get to the one day where you go to dump out the basket and none of the rocks come out."

My life has a lot of stress lately...and my rocks are building up, soon enough its gonna start hurting me.

I have a black eye - I haven't had one since I was 7- I don't know where it came from either...

Okay, Saturday was SO Freakin' bad ass!!!!!!!!!!
I do have a bruise on my arm from ladder bails, but it was so much fun! I was kinda worried about the Denver drill, but I did really good (or so I was told) at it. I felt good about it.
Since then here'e what's happened to me... went out with TC Saturday night, Went and drilled on Sunday at the station (we drilled from 11-3ish) Talk about being in pain (after a night out). Then We BBQ-ed at the station, that was sweet! after that TC, Edgar, Matt, and I went to the Lake. *shibby* Got stuck for 2 hours *fuck-a-roo* got out on our own *sweet* went home, slept, worked Monday til 1, hung out with Lani til Class, Went and took my quiz (85% :-p ) Went to class, went home and...TONY CAME OVER!!! YAY! it was so awesome, even though there is nothing to do at my house. It totally made my day to have him over. :) Today I haven't done hardly anything. I went to lunch with my little sister :) I can't believe she's in 8th grade! holy crap....

Oh Geez! I saw *Tony* tonight!!! totally made my night. :-) He came by my work to see me! *sigh* I miss lani :( Dunno when she'll be home. It's okay I'll be busy this weekend.
Tomorrow -> Ladder Bails (hell yeah!), Repelling from windows using just a tool and some rope (I'm told) and The Denver Drill (kinda worried...everyone says it's tough)
Remember the guy from my last 'blog'? Yeah...I saw him today. *so hot*
Gotta go now. Wish me luck at jumping out of windows tomorrow! (ladder bails)

So I'm at the computer lab at the college. I think I come here hoping that I'll meet more people than I meet in class (because those guys are off limits) but really all the guys in here are either fat, or hella ugly, or nerds, or just not my type...Really kinda sad. Guess I am way off in my thinking of "how to meet guys"So last night I'm at applebees and I kinda realize something: The Guys that dress like the punk/skater/plays the guitar/ with the belt with metal studs and sagging corduroy and the beater (a.k.a 'wife beater') shirts....yeah, I like those guys. For some reason I find them totally attractive. Fuck if I know!
I think lately any guy that I come across that I would usually only find remotely attractive, now I find them hot. Well this guy last night. I've run into him before (a lot) and I totally thought he was hot before, but now...so lonely/been so long...I'd be all over that shit in a heart beat! hahhaa. But I dont want that kind of relationship, and I'm almost sure the type fo guy he is- he's not looking for what I am. You know?

Someone in my class told me I did really good at the 2 1/2 inch stand-pipe...It was my first time and I wasn't really sure how I did...I'm glad someone is telling people that I did good. Because the guy I found out from said one of the other guys had told him. *cheesy grin*

Tomorrow is "Hose Lays" in class. I'm glad, I totally need work on my hose lays, the first time I ever pulled hose off the truck (Wednesday night in class) I ate asphalt...only two people in my class bit it. Me and Nick.
I love this class so much. We are starting to come together more. I hang out a lot with the other 03-03 class. So much fun.
My week hasn't been as good as I want it though. I'm totally stressed out this week, and it's been hard for me. My ankles are Cankles...Dr says it might be an allergic reaction...To what? I dont know. My sister needs help, and I don't know what to do...Between Work, School, and her I have my hands full. I feel like everything is gonna be different now...It's just begun too.

It's September 11th...I remember where I was two years ago today. Crazy how shit happens
I just re-took the death test (because I was talking to some guys from the Op's class about it last night) let's see what I got...
December 27, 2047 at 64 years old...at least I'll never have to renew my drivers license...it doesn't expire until April 10th, 2048
Here are the things I'll most likely die from: Cancer - (16%), Heart Attack (15%), Alcoholism (13%), Drowning (13%), Alien Abduction (11%), Third Degree Burns (5%), Suicide (5%), Homicide (5%)
Interesting. The part about the Third degree burns bothers me a bit. That wasn't on there the last time I took the test.

So I'm sitting at the college right now, praying that I'll meet the man of my dreams here. Yeah, not happening. I see all kinds of other people though. Last time saw a girl I used to swim with, my Ex (that I dated for 3 years) his best friend (who I also used to hang out with) and this time I saw a guy I used to swim with...
Can't I just meet a good looking guy here?

Hmmm, I wrote a whole "blog" out then Accidentally deleted it. Damn it.
Well the academy is going great. (I just ran into my Ex at the college) My class (03-04) is the ArchAngels *get-er-Dun!* I hang out alot with the other Monday/Wednesday class (03-03: Franklin Brawlers *21 Strong*) Both groups are freakin awesome! I love the class.
This Saturday is Extrication Day...which means we do the traditional *Extrication Day BBQ* hella cool. :) Dude...this class rocks. *for those of you who know me...I really hope that some Saturday you'll come out and watch us drill, and take some pic's!!!!!!!!! I've been taking a hell of a lot of pics!!!!!!!!! *Shibby!*

-> Now a bit off topic: I love reading my old blogs...It's crazy to see/remember exactly what I was thinking like a year (almost) ago...:)

It's Friday!!!!!!! Somehow for me that doesn't sound as good as it does to everyone else...I'll explain. ->I don't have a weekend! For some this is a four day weekend, me I get Sunday off. I even go to school on Monday (labor day!) BUt I'm not complaining (really!) I go to school on Saturday...all day. Wake up at 5am, be there by 645am, stay until...they let us go home (probably not until after 6pm) But I love it. I'll probably Die on Saturday...*shakes head* a lot harder than most people think. They are gonna try to get us a 110' ladder (that's the equivalent of an 11 story building), also they said for our Search and rescue drill the place we are going has smoke....Sweet! even though I don't quite know what it means, I know it means we won't be able to see.
I'm on Engine 5! hehhe, 5 is me!

I had the best day....and some how it was bad too. My kitty (that I've had since I was 3) died today. :( But *sigh* theres Tony :)