Puppy Love

Letting Kojak go is the hardest thing I've done in a while. I never really thought about how hard it would be. It's like he died, but I know he's out there alive and well laying in a sun spot on the floor or playing with his favorite toy. It's worse than if he died.

How long before I get over it that Kojak isn't mine anymore?

I can't remember the last time I felt this good about a path I had chosen... It just feels so right.

It's sad knowing that even though everything you have is wonderful it's still not what you wanted.

New Year, same self.

There are days that the wind will blow my hair in a certain way, I'll close my eyes and remember standing on that fence with my arms out to the side, watching you smile, feeling the wind at my back... One perfect moment.

It's sad that after this long I still know the shape of your skin...how can I dream about you without even seeing your face?

"If I knew you could hear me I would say, 'Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch'."

...

I had a dream about you...

I can't even explain what that is like, I cried when I woke up because I realized it wasn't real. If I could have gone back to that moment, God, I would have given anything... almost anything.

Is it enough to know I'd give up what I have now? That is more than I ever had... I'd let it all go just to have that look in your eyes again.

Today my workout felt worthless and it was pissing me off, on the elliptical I was going as fast as I could at the resistance I was on and I just could not get to my target Heart Rate. I tried to raise the resistance and my legs just felt dead. I wanted to give up.

It's really depressing to know that all the work I have done in the last month: gym (minimum 4x's/week up to 6x's/week), cutting back on drinking, and watching what I eat... I only lost two pounds.

Today, it doesn't even feel worth it :(

I am super excited right now. 5.7.9 back together again. I think it's been 6 years since the 3 of us last saw each other. Wow. thought about them a lot this year. may 7th was our day :) I think we had big plans for getting together. In high school you think that it will be easy to do things like that. we didn't realize that we'd each go our ways. Some move, and some stay. Me, I couldn't make up my mind on where I wanted to be. Lol, still can't. But I am happy here, and even happier that I get to see them tonight!

oh, yeah... Puppy Puppy Pinball! hahaha

I don't even know where the last month and a half has gone...

what the fuck is wrong

what the fuck is wrong with places around here. you should be allowed to have a dog on a patio anywhere!

Can life be different for

Can life be different for just a minute?

It's really a small world.

It's really a small world.

I had the weirdest dream again. HE was in it. This time he had a little boy. I asked how old his son was. "six years and six months". First I wondered if it was mine. Then I remembered things don't work that way. then I was mad. Had he cheated on me? Still the whole time I thought maybe I had missed something in my memory and it really was mine. Crazy.

i wonder what other people dream about. brian says he dreams about falling and stuff. "nothing real". Not me though. I dream about "real" stuff all the time. At least things that used to be real. I took a nap today, and dreamt about him. The one that nothing has been the same since... Will I always remember his face? I feel like I could never forget... no matter how hard i try to

All I ever wanted was to be a firefighter...

I'm sad now that football season is over. Can i hibernate, like a bear, til next season?

I finished my book just now. 237am. What sane person reads until that hour? I'd say me... But Who's to say i'm sane? :-)

It's almost this Keanu Reeves thing
J-dizzle

It's a new year. Things are great... But i have to add, she doesn't deserve it.

Best thanksgiving ever... <3 J-Dizzle

Best thanksgiving ever...
<3 J-Dizzle

so I watched this movie tonight... weird thing is, I don't know how this movie came to my mind. But all of a sudden I had to see it. I don't know how I remember seeing it before. I couldn't even remember the name of the movie. But I had to know. All I could see in my head was a scene of a man crossing a street to have dinner with his wife.

Turns out the movie I had in my head came out in 1989. I don't remember seeing this movie as a teenager, or an adult.

Just odd. But all through watching this I think of Brian.

The way he joked earlier, he jokes now... does he think of that?

"After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all"

I love my sister :-)

I love my sister :-)

I think he's gonna crush me. After that dream, I feel like I'll die all over again. Does anyone know what I went through after Michael? I had a dream like that once with him. Then years later it ended. I don't know how to do that again. I'm... LOST. I have this vision in my head of how things should turn out. would turn out. Then part of me says "this is how it worked out in the past" how am I supposed to know the difference. My 'programs' wanna harden myself and prepare... I just can't live that way though. How are you supposed to know what's right though?
J-Dizzle

I had a dream last

I had a dream last night. One of those thats so good when you are in it, then you wake up and it wears off and you're crushed . I wanted to cry.

So i'm getting ready to see the simpsons movie. this cartoon has been on air for ages! Ages! crazy than my age is the middle of the age group that is ecstatic about seeing it. thats how long It's been on. I'm watching it with my boyfriend who is ten years older than me, and his nephew who is ten years younger. If this movie is as good as they make it sound it'll pull the most money of the year. So far i'm a bit cynical. I mean an hour and a half of Simpsons, no commercials? Crazy! We'll find out though.

i don't know when to

i don't know when to stop.

Don't ever fly US Airways. they dick you around and can't come right out and tell you why your plane is delayed 6 hours. Douche bags.
J-Dizzle

Brooklyn Bridge was amazing. I can't believe that it was built a century ago.
J-Dizzle

I love New York. Absolutely,

I love New York. Absolutely, thats it
J-Dizzle

Well today is the big

Well today is the big day. SKY DIVING. I'm so excited I don't know how to feel. It's gonna be awesome though.
J-Dizzle

What a disappointment, brian pulled

What a disappointment, brian pulled an "oliver" tonight. Got too drunk to keep his word. Fantastic.
J-Dizzle

Just in case you can't read that it says, "...I'm losing my mind without you. I love you..." How could you be the way you were to me and not feel bad? sure things are okay now. But is that any way to act toward someone that you 'loved'. I wanna say that i would die for the guy I'm with now, do anything for him, but how could I know after you

I Love Him

So, yeah i never write anymore. guess i kinda forgot about it. I was just sitting here thinking how weird people are. why is it people have to be shady and steal from their friends (not a situation i'm in). what is it about them or the way they were raised that some part of them has no guilt about this. Fucking rude. i wonder how their minds work. It's weird. people are weird.

i don't even know what i wanna write. Things are going awesome with brian. he's freaking amazing to me. I wonder sometimes "how'd that even happen?" i never would have pictured him and i together. We've been seeing each other for almost 2 months now. wow.
J-Dizzle

I can't stop myself from thinking that this is the way I will be for the rest of my life.

Never able to have a normal relationship again. Not that I've had a "normal" relationship in years. I look at grouchy old women and wonder if I am going to turn out like one of them, bitter with the world for the hand it has dealt me. But really it's the hand I dealt myself. I could get into a relationship if I wanted. At least I think I could. But I already know that from the beginning I would do what it took to destroy it. I've done it already. Had a chance, and let myself fuck it up... watched myself fuck it up. Part of me sit's back with a smile while the other half of me is screaming inside, "why can't I just let things be!"

All I used to want was a Husband that loved me, Kids that I loved so much I couldn't bear it, House that felt like a home.

I don't even think any of that happens anymore.
People falling in love...
This world is too fucked up to bring kids into...
I can't even remember what "home" feels like half the time....

"The heart dies a slow death,
Shedding its hope like
Leaves.

Until one day there
Are none
Left."

Sometimes I really hate memories...

It's like one second I'm sitting here totally fine and something will happen, a certain smell, part of a movie, the way I'm sitting...

Something, anything... and I'll be back in the past. A moment that made me so comfortable back then, something that made me smile... for an instant I feel that all over again. I try to stay in that moment, but as soon as I realize its just a memory, I'm ripped out of it and thrown back into "now".

That happened just now, sitting on the couch. I feel like my heart was trying to tear itself from my body. It doesn't want to be me anymore... I'm too damaged now. Fuck. I don't even wanna be me anymore. The weight of my memories crush me. I can't breathe when they come back.

I was reading This entry on my blog (link). I never really think about writing, it just comes to me. But reading that blog from over a year ago...wow. Putting my feelings into written words was never really a problem for me.

I remember exactly how I was feeling that day... That moment.

I think the last couple of years I've been through ALOT. I'm trying so hard to make it all better now. I'm still scared, and it saddens me a bit to realize that my heart is harder than it used to be. I doubt it will ever be as easy for someone to reach it now as it was then.

Reading some of those old entries makes me want to hate Oliver for what he did to me, for what he put me through. There were things he did to make me love him more. Orange Juice. I don't know how he ever noticed. Did I tell him? Or did he pick up on it on his own? Either way. It'll be years before anyone ever knows how I like my Orange Juice. I want to hate him for the small things he has taken away from me. Things no one else will ever notice about me. But he knew them, and that's the thing. As much as I want to hate him for not fighting for me, I was so empty by the end that I probably lost all of what I used to be anyways. I fear that so much it completely consumes what hatred I would have. I don't hate him. I don't *anything* him. He gave up on me, but it's okay because I had given up on myself long before he gave up on me.

I feel weird about that...the fact that I'm okay with "Goodbye" and in a sense watching him walk away from everything we used to have together and the future we had planned... Because now I know that I didn't ever really give up on myself. I just lost me in all the darkness I was feeling. Sometimes I still feel that, so much pain and darkness that I can't even breathe. Only sometimes...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the time we (talked)... "

Does it even matter that I thought my life was going in a different direction than it is now? God! Was I so stupid for thinking that he really did want to marry me? FUCK!

"I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice"

It feels like shit being so wortheless to someone you cared about so much. And the roughest part is no one understands. We were getting a fucking house... I was about to move away from my life as I know it. I would have given EVERYTHING for him. But I'm not even worth it.
"Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing"

Is it so bad that I don't even wanna deal with anyone anymore? I just wanna go back to my bed, and not deal with today. I'm so lonely... hahaha, and I'm constantly surrounded by people. People that I don't want to know how weak I really feel.

"I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on"


I want somone to hold me and make me feel good again. I want someone to look at me and smile just because it's good to be around me. I want someone to be there when I feel lost and let me know that I'm heading in a direction that is okay...

"I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel."

home at last.

I'm not myself today... more so than any other day lately. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like it's last year when Oliver was gone again. I am so tired but no matter how much I sleep it's not enough. I'm tired of dealing with people, and I just wanna shut them all out. But I fake this smile every day. I act like everything is okay with me every hour. I think about him every minute. And I'm dying inside every second.

I woke up this morning and felt so conflicted. I wanna put on the strong face, but my body and mind don't have the energy. I cried before I left my bunk. I want to curl up in a corner and disappear. It's hard enough just to breathe right now, much less deal with the day that is coming at me.

I am back at square one. I was doing so well, then all of a sudden this drop comes in my path and I can't get out of the hole I've fallen in. I feel so alone. Everytime I have to say "bye" to someone (even for the day) I can't help but cry. Why Do I have to be this way? Why does today have to be this way. I'm running out of the energy to deal with it all.

And tonight I still have to go back and pretend it's all alright...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand. Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again. And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you. I must have dragged my guts a block..."

Too much coffee today... So jittery.

I miss Oliver SO much. I can't ever get him off my mind. :(

~I love you so much baby~

I just heard the world, is
Breaking down into bits again, tell me
What am I to do?
And you just want me to stay, here
So I'm just gonna stay, here

Home, the last resort
Build a castle with an iron door
Lock the window
Pull the shades
The hazed out sun won't help anyway

If the world is crumbling down
I don't wanna be alone, no
Locked up in this place

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

Fear, is holding me here
The television got me seeing unclear
Bravery my neighbor, moved away
Cause I don't need to be courageous today

If the world is crumbling down
I don't wanna be alone, no
Locked up in this place

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

And nothings gonna save me
I'm hanging from the nearest tree
Nothings gonna save me
I'm hanging from the nearest tree

When I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night

World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night

Nothing to Lose...and yet Everything

I'm breaking down... There is no where for me to be alone and I wanna break down so bad but I can't let people see me that way. I wish there was a corner I could run to and hide.

I can't get Oliver off my mind, he's always there... in my thoughts. I'm so tired of writing to him because I can't handle the dreams that follow those letters. I just wanna hold him.

My heart aches every moment of the day...

Almost 2 months where I am, 2 months to go. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I'm so tired of hurting, I just want him home and I never wanna let go again. I'm tired of being strong and holding onto myself. I wanna let it all out so bad.

"On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand"

It'd be so much easier for me than anyone knows...

I don't know what to do....



and all I can think is how I wish Oliver was here to help me through this

I miss oliver so much it hurts. I wanna hear his voice and all I have is my bear. That poor thing is my most prized possesion, I cry on it, and sleep on it.

I can't wait until he's home, I can't wait until I can hold him and kiss him and just be with him. It seems so far away. Like days can pass so fast for me and still I don't feel any closer to him being with me. I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill. Day after day passes and they aren't really passing.

I'm going crazy.

Click Here to put this video in your profile!

I keep seeing Oliver sitting across from me at Minerva's (I'm 99% sure how to spell that name). And I'm saying about how next time we need to sit in a 4 person booth so we can both see the TV (because they are talking about the blizzard New England is gonna get) Yet every time we're there we sit in a small booth except the very last time...

It's sad how I sleep with the phone near my head just in case he calls, or I fall asleep with my hand on the picture of the two of us (that I taped next to my bed).

It's 5am and I wake-up thinking about him and I can't push it out of my mind... Everything about me hurts and nothing helps it go away. I work as much as I can, I try to keep busy, and still as exhausted as I am at the end of the day he is all that I can think about for hours on end.

So I'm sitting with my Room-Mate and my friend right now and they are drunk and talking about religion... Isn't that one of the things people aren't supposed to talk about religion when people are drunk?

Eh, not like I care... I really miss Oliver right now.

I wish he was here.

I wanna be able to lay next to him in bed.

All about me huh? I wish I knew wahthe was doing now though. I miss him so much.

It's been a really weird week. Court yesterday to finish taking care of my DUI's and Now I have a court order that I am not allowed to drink alcohol until further notice... I didn't know they could do that when you weren't in custody.

It's a good thing though. Oliver would rather me not drink as much, and now He'll get more letters and I'll have more money. Does kinda suck though. I went to and AA meeting last night. I'll tell you what, that sucked. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I don't know why I was there. My sis wanted me to go with her, but I didn't fit in.

I really did have a hard day yesterday though. I miss Oliver all the time and there are days where it feels unbearable. Yesterday was totally one of those days. I couldn't even think about him without wanting to cry. I hope I get a letter from him soon. I wish he was home, I just wanna keep him happy for the rest of our lives.

so it's good to hear from people that I haven't heard from in years... That's on my mind tonight. I guess it's been on my mind alot lately, after seeing Michael at the funeral Saturday and hanging out with his whole family that afternoon. Kinda watching the "life I would have had" I can't believe how much people can change when it feels like I really haven't changed at all.

I had a dream about Oliver the other night. Him coming home and me being there searching for his face in a sea of cammies. and I wake up with my heart beating so fast from the excitement, just to realize that he isn't coming home for half a year. I really bottom out there, just to realize how much longer I'll be without him. It's killing me already.

so, its weird being home now. I don't really know where I fit in here. I feel like I don't. It's not like I was gone for that long. But everyone has thier own shit going on... again. It's too soon for me to start feeling how I feel.

well it's getting to be that time again... I love you Kilo

i'm just a normal man
i wouldn't hurt nothing at all
but here we are

our leaders have a plan
i'd only kill if it's for them
now here we are

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

i go to church and tithe
i go to work in a suit and tie
but this is war
i'm really not sure why
but the tv says that you are wrong
now here we are

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

my feet hurt from the sand
but still i march on gun in hand
cause this is war
this isn't what i planned
i wanted to be so much more
but this is war

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

Lance Cpl. Franklin Alan Sweger


Frankie
So it's been a year today. I still have a hard time thinking I'm never gonna see you again. I wonder if you were ready when you went, for some reason I think it'd be easier on me if I knew you were ready. I pray you will watch over everyone heading to Iraq.

I miss you always.

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

Why is it that even when I am exhausted I can't sleep?

I want Oliver to be back. I want him to never have to leave me again... But I know in my heart that I cannot have what I desire most. Soon he’ll be going to Iraq and I’ll be left to face my demons alone… again.

“I dream ahead to what I hope for…”
What I hope for? I know that but does he? “How can this love be a good thing, when I know what I'm going through?” I don’t know how to make it through this next deployment, I don’t know how I made it though the first one. I am the only one that knows the thoughts that went though my mind at the darkest parts of the night. I don’t blame that on anyone really. Even now no one knows how hard it was. “And no matter how hard I try, I can't escape these things inside I know…”

I ask myself questions like “why can’t I sleep?” but I realize the answer… My thoughts are what’s keeping me awake. All these ‘thought balls’ bouncing around in my mind. I recognize this feeling now, I went through this for 8 months and soon enough it will begin again.

“When all the pieces fall apart,
You will be the only one who knows.”

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability |||||||||| 36% Orderliness |||||||||| 40% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||||||||| 36% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical |||||||||| 36% Artistic |||||||||||| 43% Religious |||||||||||||| 56% Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70% Materialism |||||||||||| 43% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||||||| 36% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||||||||| 36% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 63% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||| 23% Physical Fitness |||||| 24% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Click here to sign my Graffiti Wall! (Powered by
PicLibs.com)

Do you ever get so lost you don't know how to get back to where you were? When I was 19 I knew everthing I wanted, I knew where I was going. What happened to me? Where did that person go?

I think it's everything I've been though... I look back and I think where my life started to go wrong was the last night with Michael. I wonder how different my life would be if that never went wrong. There are steps between then & now that have attributed to where I am. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm tired of so much darkness in my heart. I'm scared of Oliver going to Iraq because I care so much about him... I'm scared of going though what I went though while he was in Afghanistan all over again. I was afraid then because so many of my friends were dying, I'm not sure I've quite healed from that, I'm not sure how to handle more of it if I have to, I'm not sure of what will happen to me if I lose him too.

Where did the 'me' go that was so sure of every part of my life?
Where did the 'me' go that wasn't scared of the world or the things in it?

What Icons are for you?(Thank you for #1!! Please check out my other Memes!!) by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex	MaleFemaleYES PLEASE!UndecidedBothNeither
Your Love icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Tonight I Wanna Cry


Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I dont even know where I wanna start writing. I saw "Jarhead" tonight. I think they did good keeping near the book. Other than that Oliver made me a bear at the Build-a-bear-workshop. I don't think I have ever loved any teddy bear as much as I love this one. He is absolutely the cutest bear I have ever had...And yet, I am screaming inside. Do people see the signs? Are there signs? I don't know. I feel alone in what I am going through. I see this look already from my bear, which happens to be named 'Jarhead', this look though... I want to try to explain this and it's hard. Teddy bears are always smiling and he has that smile like he's trying to tell everyone that he's happy. But this bear can see into my soul and his eyes reflect what I am feeling at this moment. Dialated. Scared, wondering... His eyes are like mirrors of my mind.

I know already the things this bear will go though with me. No one else knows, just me. If a bear could ever speak of what they see in someone he would say how much I hurt, he'd tell all about the fears in my mind. Not that any of it would help. My fears are my own.

I look at Oliver laying in his bed and no one (in my life) will ever know how scared I am. I love him so much. I think of my life if something happened to him Over There and I already know that I won't make it if he's gone. I see him sleeping and I just can't ever live without that. I can live with him being overseas for months at a time, but I can't if he is really just gone.

looking back on what I went though while oliver was in afghanistan... Every day I have with him is bringing me closer to disaster. Every hug and every kiss is closing my fate. I'm gonna break when he leaves. I look in his eyes and he doesn't know the pain I am going though. Its already like this for me because I know what is going to happen in a couple months. I've been down this road before. How do people live though this. How did I live though it? I think about it and I ache. I'm exhausted already.

I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.

I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.

Awww shit son!!! Jarhead comes out tomorrow!!! I'm goin to an early show, hells yeah. "I thank God for every day he gives me in the Corps OoRah!"
Welcome to the Suck

Nothing to say. Marine Corps Ball is coming up soon. I really need a job. Hawaii is no different this time around than is was the last time. My "Island fever" hasn't hit yet, but it will. I'll be at the beach staring out at the water thinking about how far I am from home. But then, home wasn't "home" the last time I was there. I felt nothing but emptiness the last time around. And everything I did turned into a big fuck up the last time around. I don't belong there, I know that. Guess we'll just find out then huh?

The last time I can say for sure that anyone ever brought me breakfast in bed was my 18th birthday... and it was my mom who brought it to me. I have made breakfast for boyfriends and brought them food in bed. Until this morning no one had done that for me.

When I opened my eyes this morning Oliver is standing there with a cup of orange juice and a plate. My first thought was "He wants me to move so he can sit on his bed and eat." So, I sit up and move over and he hands me the plate and the cup and says "I didn't know what you wanted in your omlette so I just put ham & Cheese"
I put the plate down and rubbed my face still waking up and a little confused. "you brought me breakfast in bed?" he nods 'yes'. God, I Love him... When did I get so lucky?

so I'm thinking I wanna write a book. (my mom would be proud of that one). I don't think there are many 22 year olds that get that urge. But I am gonna start putting notes together for it. There isn't really any research I need to do to write it. So yeah... I think I wanna do it. I already have a title.

Sometimes I wonder...

exactly what is it about me that he is attracted to? he thinks I have a high self esteem but hes so wrong. I think sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted

Well, I didn't make it to the gym today... Good thing Nani woke me up at an Un-Godly hour to walk three miles (most of which was uphill). I have an Interview for a job at Red Lobster tomorrow. I really need this to work out.

Oliver is asleep already, he has to wake up at 1am for a 10 Mile hump. Man do I feel bad for these guys. I'm so bored waiting for a ride. I think I've 'refreshed' my homepage on MySpace like 20 times in the last half hour just hoping I have a message or someone has posted a new bulletin (anything to keep me busy!)

Columbus Day...and my necessity of MORE (and new) CARDIO (I can feel that already)

so I DID go to the gym and even though Im sick I felt great about the workout. I need them to be longer and I NEED to add SOMETHING into my rotation. but what?

My stupid cough got worse. I hate being sick I keep hacking up some nasty stuff. Took a day off from the gym yesterday I totally felt like trash for most of the day. But I'm going today. Not really been up to much went to the movies with Oliver, Nani, and Holloway last night. I don't know why I never have anything to write it's not like I don't do anything. Gonna go get ready to go to the Commisary with Holloway & Oliver.

been kinda sick the last couple days

I hate being like this. haven't even been drinking dunno how I got sick. Oliver is at the rifle range til tomorrow. we went to the gym monday and he left Tues.

So I'm thinking if ya'll have any questions (or are curious) about your love life then you should totally check this page out.

I came across this page which kinda predicts your future Love life with the help of a set of advanced mathematical calculations based on the concept of human psychology. It is extremely accurate as long as you have answered the set of 12 questions honestly and seriously.

I guess the site was developed by a group of renowned psychologists. Even if you're skeptical, just try it. after all, you have nothing to lose!


Click HERE to go to the website

Hurting those closest to me...

They think they're closest to me but really they don't know the real me. Would it be so bad to hurt my friends a little if I get my own happiness...?

it's getting sohard for me to sleep at night... again.

I'm having dreams about being in airports and not getting on the plane and ALL I want is to be with Oliver. Anymore I wake up all the time at night no matter how tired I am and I stare at the cieling for hours before falling asleep even when I'm exhausted. Why can't I just figure things out? What did I do to deserve this life that I am leading?

I don’t know what I felt like writing... I was thinking about how it was when Oliver was in Afghanistan. The nights I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep, and the days that I pretended like everything was okay. The people that surround me in my life are oblivious to the pain I went though. I think back to those months he was gone fighting in Operation Enduring Freedom. That time tore me apart, broke my spirit and pierced my soul. I will never heal from that. The worst part is I know parts of me are different now, things I would never have changed in myself are lost forever. And he is going to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom surely if I have to go though what I went through with Operation Enduring Freedom I will not make it and I’m scared of that.

I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.

No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.

I'm always alone when I need someone the most...

i wish i would have stayed in hawaii

the shit i go through here is just fucking stupid. i'm tired of stupid fucking shit. i hate my life. i wish it would just end.

traffic school sucks ass!

holy hell, i haven't been this bored in a hell of a long time. before lunch i kept falling asleep. i'm trying so hard to not fall asleep. dear God save me!

"Wake Me Up When September Ends"

...Summer has come and past, the innocent can never last...

I'm tired. Everything about me is exhausted. This song is all me right now. I wish I could sleep until things were better. Flying home from Hawaii last night I realized, I FEEL SO EMPTY. I'm lost and I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. I just want to be held, and I can't have that.

I watched the ocean basked in moonlight from the window of the airplane last night. From way up there it looked so calm almost like it was sleeping. But I know the truth about the ocean, it's looks are so decieving. And I know that the ocean is like me. The things people think of me are so different from the way I am. I wish that someone knew the real me. And I wonder if anyone will ever know the real me.

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo

Never Forget the Fallen Heroes

Dedicated to those who have lost thier lives in 9/11, Operation Enduring Freedom, and Operation Iraqi Freedom

 

Jonya

Be safe 3/3 Kilo , and 1/3 Charlie .  I miss you all, come home soon.