Awww...he wasn't in class today. Bummer. :( Hopefully he'll be there tomorrow. He called me. I've barely known him for a week and it was SO nice to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. *sigh* I'm going to bed now.
~Sleep with Angels~
Breathe Deep...

Yay! I have class tonight! I can't wait for class...I wish the class was a whole semester long. So...what is my day like? Actually looks kind of busy. I work from 10am until 4pm at 5pm I've got a Lake Pleasant protocol meeting (in case there is a lake emergency). Immediately following that is the cadet meeting. Then I haul ass out to Tempe for my class. I wonder if I can get the cadet meeting info early so I can leave right after the Lake Pleasant protocol thing. That would be great!

Hmmm…Crystal might get to come down for the Mexico trip, she’d be here the 20th. That would be so awesome! It really would. Oh, I wish I wish I wish (I were a fish! Teehee!) She would come. Then she can meet “The guy” :) That gave me this (3rd pic down) I really like him… (I’ll write more later today)

Oh...One more thing :Stupid people suck...they piss me off (is that bad that I say that? I think stupid people piss everyone off)

hey! How many people watched Fear Factor tonight? How about Meet My Kids (supposed to be Meet My Folks)? It was great...although I'm bummed Third Watch wasn't on...:(

Song of the Day: "All that Jazz" (who sings it?) I've had it in my head since I woke up...
Memory of the Day June 26th 1999 The day my little(est) sister was born. God she was so small. She's grown up so fast...still growing up so fast. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I have kids. Can't protect them forever you know... *sigh* I love my family. I can't wait (uhhh...Yes I can) until I have my own family (probably a very long ways away). *Wow man! I can't even think one sentance without thinking (ummm) more than one sentance? Hahahah.*

Today I was reading over some of my old enties in the archives. I can't believe how far I've come along (like my mind set) since what happened with Mike. I've recently (within the last few months) realized that he was not as good to me as I thought...I felt like he had "pulled the wool over my eyes" I mean, If you read the first few entries on this website. I was saying how I thought no one could ever treat me better than he did... Jesus Christ what was I thinking!!!! I mean shit! He always took his problems out on me! Yelled at me...I didn't deserve it. but he just wanted power over something, me. Not anymore. I used to think I was never going to get out of that "rut" I was in after he & I broke up...Used to think I was going to hate every guy forever because they were all like him...But , God!, they aren't! and I see that now. I am so much happier now... I feel like I smile a lot more, and I feel good about myself again. I don't feel like every guy is like him anymore...Thank God!
Breathe Deep...

I'm having the best day today. I'm sure I could explain why, but I don't really feel like I need too. you know? I didn't really have anything else to say right now except:

It's beautiful out side today...I wish I was doing something later, maybe I should go hiking or something. It's too great out to sit at home all day *after work*. :) And...Today is just a really good day!

WOW! I just had the coolest date ever! (No, really I think that was the best date I’ve ever been on.) I know I grinned the whole nightlong. I mean that is totally a good thing. You know? *Sigh* I wish Lani would pick up her phone. I want to tell her all about it.

My step dad likes him…my mom likes him. ***I like him***(They really liked it because he introduced himself to them and shook their hand. My step dad said “he looked me right in the eye when he did that, I like that. He’s good”) ~I’ve got the biggest grin right now. :) and I'm sure I sound as giddy (p-wotw) as a high schooler. hahaha.

We went out to eat at The Cheese Cake Factory. I’ve never been there and it was so awesome. And he gave me the coolest gift I’ve ever gotten; I’m seriously going to carry it around with me all day tomorrow so I can show it off. It’s really cool. WANNA SEE??? (3rd picture down)
Then we went and saw Chicago. I had a really great night tonight. Really great…Sleep with Angels and Breathe Deep…

I've got a date, I've got a date, I've got a date. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hehehe, Hmm... My memory of the day: New Years day 2001...Biggest hangover ever! Hmmm, I only get them when I drink and don't get enough sleep. :( I don't think I wanna be a "party" person anymore. It's really not my style. The whole drunk thing, It's really not any fun, you know? (Who's catching on to the fact that I have a Hangover! My first one since New Years 2001. Not cool, not cool at all.) So about the party thing, it's really not me anymore. I'm done with it...I think I'm ready to grow up already. I'm tired of fucking around with my life. *Sigh*
I like beer, I think Bud Light tastes pretty good. But truthfully, I don't think I like being drunk. I think I would like to just have a beer once in a while. you know, relaxing...just for the taste.
Fuck I'm tired. I think I want to get my nails done. I dunno, I've been growing them out (trying) usually they look like guys nails all cut short. but now they are about [] <-that long (eh! a little bit shorter. tiny bit)
So...I'm gonna (hehehe "need you to mover your desk, yeah..." sorry, I watched Office Space, like, two or three times last night.) go now. Later! Breathe Deep...

Oh! And my date is tomorrow at 6! Yay!

Word of the Week: Hyper

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Yay! Yay! Yay! Today was SO AWESOME! (Today being March 6th, not the 7th) Well Jacqui & Brandon were at my house, we went out to breakfast with my parents, then Jacqui, Brandon and I went and got Jen's B-Day gift(s) hehehe. And we went and saw "Cradle 2 the Grave" with Jet Li and DMX. It was fucking great! Lot's of action, it had everything: Robbery, Fighting, Dead people, Evading Cops, Fighting, Being a Dad, Talking to Other bad guys (Tom Arnold) and Fighting, Police Chases (on a Quad)! Fighting. Guns, explosives, Being a dad again, Fighting, Bad guys go Good...the end! Great, it was lots of fun! Then I went to class, and there is this really great (seeming) guy in my class (who's name I won't disclose) that I wanted to talk to...I got there and I was thinking "I'm gonna sit by him"...He wasn't there! NO! So I sit...he came in late. And he sat near me! (Yay!) So of course we talk during breaks. He asked if I had a busy day...you know little 'chit-chat' anyways, 4 hours later class is over...and I'm thinking to my self "go talk to him, ask if he's single" but at the same time I'm like "no, no. I can't....I'm too chicken." So I walk out of the building a few steps in front of him, then we're talking and he says "hey, do you wanna go get a coffee?" (AHHHHHHH!!! Hehehe) enough said... we sat and talked for like 2 hours (oh and he paid!)...Now, he doesn't SEEM like a great guy, he IS a great guy...Anyways, He has my number. 3rd that has asked in two weeks, MAYBE he'll be the first to call…(please, please, please) and I have his number (that is a first) And...He asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend...once again, enough said. YAY! Good night! Breathe Deep...

Well life is doing...okay. I am about to run to the bank and drop off a deposit, and then I'm gonna get W-2's from Mike...yep that's right, "the EX" I'm afraid of seeing him...I know he's changed a lot, Is it change? He’s just different...that's all. I would rather remember him the way he used to be.
After all I've been through, and this might put me right back where I was. I mean...I had my "epiphany” you know…”life will go on, I don’t need him! I’m better off without him” but seeing him? I don’t know…I feel like it’s going to set me back. And I worry about that. I worry about myself when I think about him.
But at the same time, I want to see him. Want to see how much better I am than him…(then I worry that I am not better off than he is) I just want to be strong enough to face my fears…

So! Today is my dad's Birthday...Happy 45th B-Day dad! hehehe...I think I have to write this just because it's never happend before. (I hink Lacey just went outside and puked..weird, how did she know to go out side?) So First off, I never (almost) get my number asked for (or get hit on) and you might be thinking..."not true, it's happend twice in the last two weeks" but, they never follow through...the last one didn't...this one probably won't. Well here is what I was gonna say. When we went out for dinner tonight, this guy was totally checking me out. Then he came up to my (family's) table when we got seated and I talked to him for a few minutes. He's nice...he told me i was beautiful. I have never seen a guy have enough guts to come up and talk to a girl in front of her family. It was cool.

Wow, I can't believe it's Friday already, On Thursday I went to Rodeo, New Mexico. There is a wolf sanctuary there called Wolf Song and I got to hang out with wolves for a few hours, I even got kisses from wolves. They were so beautiful. I got to see wolf cubs too. They were so awesome. There was one wolf called "Chico" he would be so much taller than me if he stood on his back legs.
This morning I got up early and went horse back riding at Ft. Hauchua (i think that's how you spell it) my horses name was/is "Diablo"...hehe "Devil". He was a big horse. I got of good picture of the two of us together. It was only $20 for two hours...I want to go get a job at a horse stable now. I love horses. I want one so bad. *sigh* wishful thinking...

know what....I LOVE RAIN!!!!!!!! I can't wait to go to Hawaii...so much water all areound me and RAIN (more than 4x's a year! heheh) It's so beautiful when it rains, it's really just georgous. No doubt about it.
So let'd face the truth now...he's not gonna call, it's been 3 days (not counting Saturday night) and he's defiently not gonna call. It's all good though. I don't mind.

Song of the day: "She's My Kind of Rain" by Tim McGraw

*sigh* well, Life is good. For some reason I can't stop smiling today. It's like I'll be driving along and all of a sudden I get this huge grin on my face. "Why?" you may ask...Well I don't know. If you read my last "blog" you may be thinking "oh, that guy probably called her..." Actually, NO, he didn't and to tell the truth I'm not sure if he is going to. See the way I figure it, if he doesn't call today then he probably isn't going to call. Know what though, it's no big deal.
So I still don't understand why I'm so happy today, but I am and that's all that matters.

Word/Phrase of the Week: Insane/ "It was INSANE!"
AHHHHHHHH!!!! I can't explain my head really... I feel so good right now. I haven't even thought about guys since Thusday night. That night I finally got to the point in my head where I was like, "You know what, I don't need a boyfriend. I'm okay on my own and I'll be okay on my own."
It took me a long time to come to that decision...but I reached it. And I just smiled, you know? It's weird the way the world works, the second I stop looking for a guy... Happens to be in the same minute a guy starts looking for me. I'm not saying anything big...but One little thing happend in all of my "maddness" today, and I totally didn't expect it... What could this "one little thing" be? first let me explain myself: I haven't had a guy approach me and "hit" on me in...(to tell the truth I don't know) Then only way I ever get guys is if my friends set me up with them, which kinda sucks. But, it's my way of life (hehehe)...SO I got asked for my number tonight, and I'm sure there are a few people reading this like "not cool, not cool at all" but it's such a BIG self-esteem booster! I'm tired of being "set-up" with guys by my friends...I mean don't guys understand that they are supposed to ask girls for thier #'s or hit on the girls? A lot of guys "now-a-days" are scared, I don't know why (what's up with that?!?)...so, yeah this guy was (is) really cute...and it totally made my day for that to happen. Crystal probably thought I was on crack when I called her after I left. Just wait until (if) he calls me, then she'll really think I'm on crack when I call her.

yesterday when I woke up I felt so good. I felt like I wanted to smile and Like every thing was gonna be fine... I was gonna get over it, and I was gonna be happy, and that someone out there was gonna love me and when I found it...it would be real and it would be forever...I wanted to smile when I woke up yesterday.

Today, I'm not even sure if I woke up...I hurt and I feel like it's gonna go on forever. My own private hell. My mind is so burred right now. I feel so numb and blank. I hate feeling like this, it's like... "what's the point?"

Michael just called me...I wanna cry. Today was so good when I woke up I felt like I was gonna make it and I felt like I was gonna be okay...I dont feel like that anymore, God I hurt so much right now. I wanna die, that's how much I hurt. I feel like that would be so much easier... Why is this happening to me? What did I do so wrong!? Nothing! I gave him everything I EVER had, and he tore me to shreds...What did I do to deserve this.
Right now I just wanna curl up and sleep forever, but even in my dreams this haunts me...yeah "just somehting I have to breathe through" I didn't even know it was him when I picked up the phone, Then I realized...Michael...My heart dropped, My voice went shaky...
I wasn't even sure what to say, like I had all these things in my head that I could have said, but I couldn't even open my mouth to say them, and when I did nothing came out....I felt so good this morning...What happend?

So, we all know that "There's no such thing as 'What might have been?'" right? SO why is it so hard to forget the past? That's all I want to know.
I mean shit! (For those of you who don't know the story) it's been almost six months, and I still look back at that night and think, "What if I would have just stayed there? What if I didn't try to go home?" I shouldn't think like that. It was his fault not mine! So why does it hurt me so much?
So, Yeah, Life's not fair (or easy) we all know that. But you'd think that I would at least get it a little bit easier than Michael, I mean he caused this! I didn't do shit to him! I didn't even get my hit in. But he did everything he tried to do that night. Now I'm the one left damaged and broken...He's doing fine and dandy... I'm beginning to think that he didn't really love me, maybe he doesn't know what love is…Or maybe he's so desperate to find it that he thinks he finds it in everyone. He tells his new girlfriend how much he loves her. It's been three months, and he loves her! Almost six months since we were over and he already loves someone else... So I thought about that, He told me he loved me after three weeks when we started going out...I remember that moment too... We were laying in my bedroom at the Olive house, laying there with my head on his chest, just holding each other. And he said "how long do you think it takes to fall in love?" I dunno...why? "Because, I think I love you." Don't say it unless you mean it... I didn't tell him I loved him for like two weeks after that, Every time he'd say "I love you" I would just reply, "I don't know yet" and then one day I did. It's just a blur now... How did three years go by so fast? I wanna scream, and cry!!! instead I just sit here and think of how it all went wrong, and worry that I'll never have that again. I feel like I'm FUCKING psychotic!!!!!! I just wanna let go... I wanna live my life, for the last six months I've felt like I'm just going through the motions, not even getting things done...not even going anywhere. Just going through the motions. I wanna live, I wanna move! I wanna get things done. I wanna grow up and forget him! I wanna stop feeling like a little kid, and just grow. Forget Mike and get better! I wanna fall in love again, and get married and have kids... but I feel like it's never gonna come, Like I'm gonna be stuck in this "I'm scared of being HURT!" rut (that I've been in for the last six months) forever. I don't want that, I don't want to be scared forever...
I can't believe what he said to me on the phone yesterday...

Well I just TRIED to set up DSL in my moms office, and I talked to Matt on the phone! Yay! Crystal and Pat and Matt are coming down to Phoenix!!!!!! I am so excited. I miss them so much. Well I have to take a disk back to my dads house as soon as my "boss" gets here. AndI need gas in my car + money for this weekend. :) Yay!!! I can't believe it's Thursday already!
Oh the DSL thing I have to wait for her to give me some info on our ISP then I have to figure out the phones. STUPID phones.

Grrr!!! Stupid haloscan. it's not working correctly (actually not working at all) I would ask if anyone knew how to fix it but you can't comment so I wouldn't find out anyway. Grrrr!!! Well I am gonna set up my moms DSL for her office now.
Oh, Oh! It's working again! Woohoo! I don't know what happened, but it's better now. :)

I think today has been one of the slowest days in my life...Is that bad? No not totally. I've been trying to think of things to write. I talked to Crystal and Matt last night and both of them offered to be my "shrink"(s) because I told them I think I'm psychotic. There is a long story behind that too, and if anyone is interested in it I will gladly tell you if you e-mail me… (jur311@hotmail.com) “The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem” right? So anyway, I spent a total of two hours on the phone last night. I haven’t talked on the phone that long in forever. But it was really nice. I like the attention, I think sometimes all I need is a phone call and someone to talk to me. Ugh I’m bored. I’ll write more when I have more to write about. :-)

I started working on saturday, then I went to Tucson yesterday. I can't really say anything "exciting" is going on...same old, same old... I really miss Colorado. :( I wish I could have gotten a job, but know what, Hawaii is gonna freakin' ROCK!!! I can't wait until Crystal is there with me (yeah, and pat too) hehehe. And then Matt is gonna come visit. Hell yeah, It's gonna rock. But for the moment, I have a head ache and I think I am getting sick. I'm probably gonna go home and sleep after work. I don't want to get sick. Oh, And I'm gonna e-mail Crystal. Later.