I don't know what to do....



and all I can think is how I wish Oliver was here to help me through this

I miss oliver so much it hurts. I wanna hear his voice and all I have is my bear. That poor thing is my most prized possesion, I cry on it, and sleep on it.

I can't wait until he's home, I can't wait until I can hold him and kiss him and just be with him. It seems so far away. Like days can pass so fast for me and still I don't feel any closer to him being with me. I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill. Day after day passes and they aren't really passing.

I'm going crazy.

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I keep seeing Oliver sitting across from me at Minerva's (I'm 99% sure how to spell that name). And I'm saying about how next time we need to sit in a 4 person booth so we can both see the TV (because they are talking about the blizzard New England is gonna get) Yet every time we're there we sit in a small booth except the very last time...

It's sad how I sleep with the phone near my head just in case he calls, or I fall asleep with my hand on the picture of the two of us (that I taped next to my bed).

It's 5am and I wake-up thinking about him and I can't push it out of my mind... Everything about me hurts and nothing helps it go away. I work as much as I can, I try to keep busy, and still as exhausted as I am at the end of the day he is all that I can think about for hours on end.

So I'm sitting with my Room-Mate and my friend right now and they are drunk and talking about religion... Isn't that one of the things people aren't supposed to talk about religion when people are drunk?

Eh, not like I care... I really miss Oliver right now.

I wish he was here.

I wanna be able to lay next to him in bed.

All about me huh? I wish I knew wahthe was doing now though. I miss him so much.

It's been a really weird week. Court yesterday to finish taking care of my DUI's and Now I have a court order that I am not allowed to drink alcohol until further notice... I didn't know they could do that when you weren't in custody.

It's a good thing though. Oliver would rather me not drink as much, and now He'll get more letters and I'll have more money. Does kinda suck though. I went to and AA meeting last night. I'll tell you what, that sucked. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I don't know why I was there. My sis wanted me to go with her, but I didn't fit in.

I really did have a hard day yesterday though. I miss Oliver all the time and there are days where it feels unbearable. Yesterday was totally one of those days. I couldn't even think about him without wanting to cry. I hope I get a letter from him soon. I wish he was home, I just wanna keep him happy for the rest of our lives.

so it's good to hear from people that I haven't heard from in years... That's on my mind tonight. I guess it's been on my mind alot lately, after seeing Michael at the funeral Saturday and hanging out with his whole family that afternoon. Kinda watching the "life I would have had" I can't believe how much people can change when it feels like I really haven't changed at all.

I had a dream about Oliver the other night. Him coming home and me being there searching for his face in a sea of cammies. and I wake up with my heart beating so fast from the excitement, just to realize that he isn't coming home for half a year. I really bottom out there, just to realize how much longer I'll be without him. It's killing me already.

so, its weird being home now. I don't really know where I fit in here. I feel like I don't. It's not like I was gone for that long. But everyone has thier own shit going on... again. It's too soon for me to start feeling how I feel.

well it's getting to be that time again... I love you Kilo

i'm just a normal man
i wouldn't hurt nothing at all
but here we are

our leaders have a plan
i'd only kill if it's for them
now here we are

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

i go to church and tithe
i go to work in a suit and tie
but this is war
i'm really not sure why
but the tv says that you are wrong
now here we are

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

my feet hurt from the sand
but still i march on gun in hand
cause this is war
this isn't what i planned
i wanted to be so much more
but this is war

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

Lance Cpl. Franklin Alan Sweger


Frankie
So it's been a year today. I still have a hard time thinking I'm never gonna see you again. I wonder if you were ready when you went, for some reason I think it'd be easier on me if I knew you were ready. I pray you will watch over everyone heading to Iraq.

I miss you always.

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

Why is it that even when I am exhausted I can't sleep?

I want Oliver to be back. I want him to never have to leave me again... But I know in my heart that I cannot have what I desire most. Soon he’ll be going to Iraq and I’ll be left to face my demons alone… again.

“I dream ahead to what I hope for…”
What I hope for? I know that but does he? “How can this love be a good thing, when I know what I'm going through?” I don’t know how to make it through this next deployment, I don’t know how I made it though the first one. I am the only one that knows the thoughts that went though my mind at the darkest parts of the night. I don’t blame that on anyone really. Even now no one knows how hard it was. “And no matter how hard I try, I can't escape these things inside I know…”

I ask myself questions like “why can’t I sleep?” but I realize the answer… My thoughts are what’s keeping me awake. All these ‘thought balls’ bouncing around in my mind. I recognize this feeling now, I went through this for 8 months and soon enough it will begin again.

“When all the pieces fall apart,
You will be the only one who knows.”

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56% Stability |||||||||| 36% Orderliness |||||||||| 40% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Interdependence |||||||||| 36% Intellectual |||||||||||| 50% Mystical |||||||||| 36% Artistic |||||||||||| 43% Religious |||||||||||||| 56% Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70% Materialism |||||||||||| 43% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56% Self absorbed |||||||||| 36% Conflict seeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43% Wealth |||||||||| 36% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 63% Change averse |||||||||| 36% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 43% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||| 23% Physical Fitness |||||| 24% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 76% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Female cliche |||||||||| 36%

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Do you ever get so lost you don't know how to get back to where you were? When I was 19 I knew everthing I wanted, I knew where I was going. What happened to me? Where did that person go?

I think it's everything I've been though... I look back and I think where my life started to go wrong was the last night with Michael. I wonder how different my life would be if that never went wrong. There are steps between then & now that have attributed to where I am. I want to be the best person I can be. I'm tired of so much darkness in my heart. I'm scared of Oliver going to Iraq because I care so much about him... I'm scared of going though what I went though while he was in Afghanistan all over again. I was afraid then because so many of my friends were dying, I'm not sure I've quite healed from that, I'm not sure how to handle more of it if I have to, I'm not sure of what will happen to me if I lose him too.

Where did the 'me' go that was so sure of every part of my life?
Where did the 'me' go that wasn't scared of the world or the things in it?

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Tonight I Wanna Cry


Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I dont even know where I wanna start writing. I saw "Jarhead" tonight. I think they did good keeping near the book. Other than that Oliver made me a bear at the Build-a-bear-workshop. I don't think I have ever loved any teddy bear as much as I love this one. He is absolutely the cutest bear I have ever had...And yet, I am screaming inside. Do people see the signs? Are there signs? I don't know. I feel alone in what I am going through. I see this look already from my bear, which happens to be named 'Jarhead', this look though... I want to try to explain this and it's hard. Teddy bears are always smiling and he has that smile like he's trying to tell everyone that he's happy. But this bear can see into my soul and his eyes reflect what I am feeling at this moment. Dialated. Scared, wondering... His eyes are like mirrors of my mind.

I know already the things this bear will go though with me. No one else knows, just me. If a bear could ever speak of what they see in someone he would say how much I hurt, he'd tell all about the fears in my mind. Not that any of it would help. My fears are my own.

I look at Oliver laying in his bed and no one (in my life) will ever know how scared I am. I love him so much. I think of my life if something happened to him Over There and I already know that I won't make it if he's gone. I see him sleeping and I just can't ever live without that. I can live with him being overseas for months at a time, but I can't if he is really just gone.

looking back on what I went though while oliver was in afghanistan... Every day I have with him is bringing me closer to disaster. Every hug and every kiss is closing my fate. I'm gonna break when he leaves. I look in his eyes and he doesn't know the pain I am going though. Its already like this for me because I know what is going to happen in a couple months. I've been down this road before. How do people live though this. How did I live though it? I think about it and I ache. I'm exhausted already.

I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.

I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.

Awww shit son!!! Jarhead comes out tomorrow!!! I'm goin to an early show, hells yeah. "I thank God for every day he gives me in the Corps OoRah!"
Welcome to the Suck

Nothing to say. Marine Corps Ball is coming up soon. I really need a job. Hawaii is no different this time around than is was the last time. My "Island fever" hasn't hit yet, but it will. I'll be at the beach staring out at the water thinking about how far I am from home. But then, home wasn't "home" the last time I was there. I felt nothing but emptiness the last time around. And everything I did turned into a big fuck up the last time around. I don't belong there, I know that. Guess we'll just find out then huh?

The last time I can say for sure that anyone ever brought me breakfast in bed was my 18th birthday... and it was my mom who brought it to me. I have made breakfast for boyfriends and brought them food in bed. Until this morning no one had done that for me.

When I opened my eyes this morning Oliver is standing there with a cup of orange juice and a plate. My first thought was "He wants me to move so he can sit on his bed and eat." So, I sit up and move over and he hands me the plate and the cup and says "I didn't know what you wanted in your omlette so I just put ham & Cheese"
I put the plate down and rubbed my face still waking up and a little confused. "you brought me breakfast in bed?" he nods 'yes'. God, I Love him... When did I get so lucky?