yesterday when I woke up I felt so good. I felt like I wanted to smile and Like every thing was gonna be fine... I was gonna get over it, and I was gonna be happy, and that someone out there was gonna love me and when I found it...it would be real and it would be forever...I wanted to smile when I woke up yesterday.

Today, I'm not even sure if I woke up...I hurt and I feel like it's gonna go on forever. My own private hell. My mind is so burred right now. I feel so numb and blank. I hate feeling like this, it's like... "what's the point?"

Michael just called me...I wanna cry. Today was so good when I woke up I felt like I was gonna make it and I felt like I was gonna be okay...I dont feel like that anymore, God I hurt so much right now. I wanna die, that's how much I hurt. I feel like that would be so much easier... Why is this happening to me? What did I do so wrong!? Nothing! I gave him everything I EVER had, and he tore me to shreds...What did I do to deserve this.
Right now I just wanna curl up and sleep forever, but even in my dreams this haunts me...yeah "just somehting I have to breathe through" I didn't even know it was him when I picked up the phone, Then I realized...Michael...My heart dropped, My voice went shaky...
I wasn't even sure what to say, like I had all these things in my head that I could have said, but I couldn't even open my mouth to say them, and when I did nothing came out....I felt so good this morning...What happend?

So, we all know that "There's no such thing as 'What might have been?'" right? SO why is it so hard to forget the past? That's all I want to know.
I mean shit! (For those of you who don't know the story) it's been almost six months, and I still look back at that night and think, "What if I would have just stayed there? What if I didn't try to go home?" I shouldn't think like that. It was his fault not mine! So why does it hurt me so much?
So, Yeah, Life's not fair (or easy) we all know that. But you'd think that I would at least get it a little bit easier than Michael, I mean he caused this! I didn't do shit to him! I didn't even get my hit in. But he did everything he tried to do that night. Now I'm the one left damaged and broken...He's doing fine and dandy... I'm beginning to think that he didn't really love me, maybe he doesn't know what love is…Or maybe he's so desperate to find it that he thinks he finds it in everyone. He tells his new girlfriend how much he loves her. It's been three months, and he loves her! Almost six months since we were over and he already loves someone else... So I thought about that, He told me he loved me after three weeks when we started going out...I remember that moment too... We were laying in my bedroom at the Olive house, laying there with my head on his chest, just holding each other. And he said "how long do you think it takes to fall in love?" I dunno...why? "Because, I think I love you." Don't say it unless you mean it... I didn't tell him I loved him for like two weeks after that, Every time he'd say "I love you" I would just reply, "I don't know yet" and then one day I did. It's just a blur now... How did three years go by so fast? I wanna scream, and cry!!! instead I just sit here and think of how it all went wrong, and worry that I'll never have that again. I feel like I'm FUCKING psychotic!!!!!! I just wanna let go... I wanna live my life, for the last six months I've felt like I'm just going through the motions, not even getting things done...not even going anywhere. Just going through the motions. I wanna live, I wanna move! I wanna get things done. I wanna grow up and forget him! I wanna stop feeling like a little kid, and just grow. Forget Mike and get better! I wanna fall in love again, and get married and have kids... but I feel like it's never gonna come, Like I'm gonna be stuck in this "I'm scared of being HURT!" rut (that I've been in for the last six months) forever. I don't want that, I don't want to be scared forever...
I can't believe what he said to me on the phone yesterday...