I can't stop myself from thinking that this is the way I will be for the rest of my life.

Never able to have a normal relationship again. Not that I've had a "normal" relationship in years. I look at grouchy old women and wonder if I am going to turn out like one of them, bitter with the world for the hand it has dealt me. But really it's the hand I dealt myself. I could get into a relationship if I wanted. At least I think I could. But I already know that from the beginning I would do what it took to destroy it. I've done it already. Had a chance, and let myself fuck it up... watched myself fuck it up. Part of me sit's back with a smile while the other half of me is screaming inside, "why can't I just let things be!"

All I used to want was a Husband that loved me, Kids that I loved so much I couldn't bear it, House that felt like a home.

I don't even think any of that happens anymore.
People falling in love...
This world is too fucked up to bring kids into...
I can't even remember what "home" feels like half the time....