I can't stop myself from thinking that this is the way I will be for the rest of my life.

Never able to have a normal relationship again. Not that I've had a "normal" relationship in years. I look at grouchy old women and wonder if I am going to turn out like one of them, bitter with the world for the hand it has dealt me. But really it's the hand I dealt myself. I could get into a relationship if I wanted. At least I think I could. But I already know that from the beginning I would do what it took to destroy it. I've done it already. Had a chance, and let myself fuck it up... watched myself fuck it up. Part of me sit's back with a smile while the other half of me is screaming inside, "why can't I just let things be!"

All I used to want was a Husband that loved me, Kids that I loved so much I couldn't bear it, House that felt like a home.

I don't even think any of that happens anymore.
People falling in love...
This world is too fucked up to bring kids into...
I can't even remember what "home" feels like half the time....

"The heart dies a slow death,
Shedding its hope like
Leaves.

Until one day there
Are none
Left."

Sometimes I really hate memories...

It's like one second I'm sitting here totally fine and something will happen, a certain smell, part of a movie, the way I'm sitting...

Something, anything... and I'll be back in the past. A moment that made me so comfortable back then, something that made me smile... for an instant I feel that all over again. I try to stay in that moment, but as soon as I realize its just a memory, I'm ripped out of it and thrown back into "now".

That happened just now, sitting on the couch. I feel like my heart was trying to tear itself from my body. It doesn't want to be me anymore... I'm too damaged now. Fuck. I don't even wanna be me anymore. The weight of my memories crush me. I can't breathe when they come back.

I was reading This entry on my blog (link). I never really think about writing, it just comes to me. But reading that blog from over a year ago...wow. Putting my feelings into written words was never really a problem for me.

I remember exactly how I was feeling that day... That moment.

I think the last couple of years I've been through ALOT. I'm trying so hard to make it all better now. I'm still scared, and it saddens me a bit to realize that my heart is harder than it used to be. I doubt it will ever be as easy for someone to reach it now as it was then.

Reading some of those old entries makes me want to hate Oliver for what he did to me, for what he put me through. There were things he did to make me love him more. Orange Juice. I don't know how he ever noticed. Did I tell him? Or did he pick up on it on his own? Either way. It'll be years before anyone ever knows how I like my Orange Juice. I want to hate him for the small things he has taken away from me. Things no one else will ever notice about me. But he knew them, and that's the thing. As much as I want to hate him for not fighting for me, I was so empty by the end that I probably lost all of what I used to be anyways. I fear that so much it completely consumes what hatred I would have. I don't hate him. I don't *anything* him. He gave up on me, but it's okay because I had given up on myself long before he gave up on me.

I feel weird about that...the fact that I'm okay with "Goodbye" and in a sense watching him walk away from everything we used to have together and the future we had planned... Because now I know that I didn't ever really give up on myself. I just lost me in all the darkness I was feeling. Sometimes I still feel that, so much pain and darkness that I can't even breathe. Only sometimes...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the time we (talked)... "

Does it even matter that I thought my life was going in a different direction than it is now? God! Was I so stupid for thinking that he really did want to marry me? FUCK!

"I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice"

It feels like shit being so wortheless to someone you cared about so much. And the roughest part is no one understands. We were getting a fucking house... I was about to move away from my life as I know it. I would have given EVERYTHING for him. But I'm not even worth it.
"Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing"

Is it so bad that I don't even wanna deal with anyone anymore? I just wanna go back to my bed, and not deal with today. I'm so lonely... hahaha, and I'm constantly surrounded by people. People that I don't want to know how weak I really feel.

"I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on"


I want somone to hold me and make me feel good again. I want someone to look at me and smile just because it's good to be around me. I want someone to be there when I feel lost and let me know that I'm heading in a direction that is okay...

"I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel."

home at last.

I'm not myself today... more so than any other day lately. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like it's last year when Oliver was gone again. I am so tired but no matter how much I sleep it's not enough. I'm tired of dealing with people, and I just wanna shut them all out. But I fake this smile every day. I act like everything is okay with me every hour. I think about him every minute. And I'm dying inside every second.

I woke up this morning and felt so conflicted. I wanna put on the strong face, but my body and mind don't have the energy. I cried before I left my bunk. I want to curl up in a corner and disappear. It's hard enough just to breathe right now, much less deal with the day that is coming at me.

I am back at square one. I was doing so well, then all of a sudden this drop comes in my path and I can't get out of the hole I've fallen in. I feel so alone. Everytime I have to say "bye" to someone (even for the day) I can't help but cry. Why Do I have to be this way? Why does today have to be this way. I'm running out of the energy to deal with it all.

And tonight I still have to go back and pretend it's all alright...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand. Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again. And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you. I must have dragged my guts a block..."

Too much coffee today... So jittery.

I miss Oliver SO much. I can't ever get him off my mind. :(

~I love you so much baby~

I just heard the world, is
Breaking down into bits again, tell me
What am I to do?
And you just want me to stay, here
So I'm just gonna stay, here

Home, the last resort
Build a castle with an iron door
Lock the window
Pull the shades
The hazed out sun won't help anyway

If the world is crumbling down
I don't wanna be alone, no
Locked up in this place

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

Fear, is holding me here
The television got me seeing unclear
Bravery my neighbor, moved away
Cause I don't need to be courageous today

If the world is crumbling down
I don't wanna be alone, no
Locked up in this place

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

And nothings gonna save me
I'm hanging from the nearest tree
Nothings gonna save me
I'm hanging from the nearest tree

When I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

I heard the world up, late night
Holding my breath tight
Trying to keep my head on right
There's a chill in the air
Nobody could care
How you're caught up, in the fight of your life

World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night

World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night
World up, late night

Nothing to Lose...and yet Everything

I'm breaking down... There is no where for me to be alone and I wanna break down so bad but I can't let people see me that way. I wish there was a corner I could run to and hide.

I can't get Oliver off my mind, he's always there... in my thoughts. I'm so tired of writing to him because I can't handle the dreams that follow those letters. I just wanna hold him.

My heart aches every moment of the day...

Almost 2 months where I am, 2 months to go. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I'm so tired of hurting, I just want him home and I never wanna let go again. I'm tired of being strong and holding onto myself. I wanna let it all out so bad.

"On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand"

It'd be so much easier for me than anyone knows...

I don't know what to do....



and all I can think is how I wish Oliver was here to help me through this

I miss oliver so much it hurts. I wanna hear his voice and all I have is my bear. That poor thing is my most prized possesion, I cry on it, and sleep on it.

I can't wait until he's home, I can't wait until I can hold him and kiss him and just be with him. It seems so far away. Like days can pass so fast for me and still I don't feel any closer to him being with me. I feel like I'm stuck on a treadmill. Day after day passes and they aren't really passing.

I'm going crazy.

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I keep seeing Oliver sitting across from me at Minerva's (I'm 99% sure how to spell that name). And I'm saying about how next time we need to sit in a 4 person booth so we can both see the TV (because they are talking about the blizzard New England is gonna get) Yet every time we're there we sit in a small booth except the very last time...

It's sad how I sleep with the phone near my head just in case he calls, or I fall asleep with my hand on the picture of the two of us (that I taped next to my bed).

It's 5am and I wake-up thinking about him and I can't push it out of my mind... Everything about me hurts and nothing helps it go away. I work as much as I can, I try to keep busy, and still as exhausted as I am at the end of the day he is all that I can think about for hours on end.

So I'm sitting with my Room-Mate and my friend right now and they are drunk and talking about religion... Isn't that one of the things people aren't supposed to talk about religion when people are drunk?

Eh, not like I care... I really miss Oliver right now.

I wish he was here.

I wanna be able to lay next to him in bed.

All about me huh? I wish I knew wahthe was doing now though. I miss him so much.

It's been a really weird week. Court yesterday to finish taking care of my DUI's and Now I have a court order that I am not allowed to drink alcohol until further notice... I didn't know they could do that when you weren't in custody.

It's a good thing though. Oliver would rather me not drink as much, and now He'll get more letters and I'll have more money. Does kinda suck though. I went to and AA meeting last night. I'll tell you what, that sucked. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, I don't know why I was there. My sis wanted me to go with her, but I didn't fit in.

I really did have a hard day yesterday though. I miss Oliver all the time and there are days where it feels unbearable. Yesterday was totally one of those days. I couldn't even think about him without wanting to cry. I hope I get a letter from him soon. I wish he was home, I just wanna keep him happy for the rest of our lives.

so it's good to hear from people that I haven't heard from in years... That's on my mind tonight. I guess it's been on my mind alot lately, after seeing Michael at the funeral Saturday and hanging out with his whole family that afternoon. Kinda watching the "life I would have had" I can't believe how much people can change when it feels like I really haven't changed at all.

I had a dream about Oliver the other night. Him coming home and me being there searching for his face in a sea of cammies. and I wake up with my heart beating so fast from the excitement, just to realize that he isn't coming home for half a year. I really bottom out there, just to realize how much longer I'll be without him. It's killing me already.

so, its weird being home now. I don't really know where I fit in here. I feel like I don't. It's not like I was gone for that long. But everyone has thier own shit going on... again. It's too soon for me to start feeling how I feel.

well it's getting to be that time again... I love you Kilo

i'm just a normal man
i wouldn't hurt nothing at all
but here we are

our leaders have a plan
i'd only kill if it's for them
now here we are

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

i go to church and tithe
i go to work in a suit and tie
but this is war
i'm really not sure why
but the tv says that you are wrong
now here we are

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country

my feet hurt from the sand
but still i march on gun in hand
cause this is war
this isn't what i planned
i wanted to be so much more
but this is war

i drove in a car and flew in a plane
to come to your house and kick your door in
now it's down to this, it's just you and me
i'll blow your fucking head off for my country