I was reading This entry on my blog (link). I never really think about writing, it just comes to me. But reading that blog from over a year ago...wow. Putting my feelings into written words was never really a problem for me.

I remember exactly how I was feeling that day... That moment.

I think the last couple of years I've been through ALOT. I'm trying so hard to make it all better now. I'm still scared, and it saddens me a bit to realize that my heart is harder than it used to be. I doubt it will ever be as easy for someone to reach it now as it was then.

Reading some of those old entries makes me want to hate Oliver for what he did to me, for what he put me through. There were things he did to make me love him more. Orange Juice. I don't know how he ever noticed. Did I tell him? Or did he pick up on it on his own? Either way. It'll be years before anyone ever knows how I like my Orange Juice. I want to hate him for the small things he has taken away from me. Things no one else will ever notice about me. But he knew them, and that's the thing. As much as I want to hate him for not fighting for me, I was so empty by the end that I probably lost all of what I used to be anyways. I fear that so much it completely consumes what hatred I would have. I don't hate him. I don't *anything* him. He gave up on me, but it's okay because I had given up on myself long before he gave up on me.

I feel weird about that...the fact that I'm okay with "Goodbye" and in a sense watching him walk away from everything we used to have together and the future we had planned... Because now I know that I didn't ever really give up on myself. I just lost me in all the darkness I was feeling. Sometimes I still feel that, so much pain and darkness that I can't even breathe. Only sometimes...