I'm still dealing with the fact that he's gonna be gone. It's so hard on me to think not just that I won't be near him for at least 6-7 months (possibly more), I keep thinking that he's infantry... I don't know how things are going over there (Iraq & Afghanistan) All I know is that once in a while I hear about people dying. I hear about Marines dying. Not as much as in wars before, but is this even a war? I mean, like do we say we're in war? I don't think so. I feel so ignorant.
 
I've lived in this country my whole life, and all it's taught me is ignorance. I think that is what's wrong with America. We're so self involved that until something happens to us we never even think about everyone else out there. Yeah, I think about my family, my friends, people out on the streets that might need my help (because that is what I want my job to be *FireFighter*) I used to want to join the military. For many reasons:
1. I wanted my Father to be Proud of me
2. I wanted to do something for my country
3. I wanted to prove something...That I could make it.
I never (before 9/11) thought that there were people in the world that hated Americans, I thought that was a thing of the past. My Ignorance. And when shit started going down, I thought of how bad I felt for those people who were losing a part of their family to go and fight this "war", this "war" that I never hear on the news about unless they are shipping more military over, bringing some military back, Some other country is pulling out, or someone has died. And for awhile I was fine with that being all I heard. But now...Now it involves someone I Love. Now it involves someone that I don't want to spend the rest of my life without. So now it involves me, and now I care. Go figure huh?

Last night I got some of the worst news of my life...It is most definetly ranked in the top 5. Although I am not sure what position I would put it at, the fact that it is (has started) happening right now makes it seem much worse that any of the other four, only because I have already dealt with the others and made it though, and if anything came out of those other four I might be a stronger person...but those other things made me who I am. In no particular order the other four were:
#1} When I got the call about Joanna being in the hospital.
#2} My parents getting separated(and eventually divorced).
#3} The call saying the cat I'd had since I was 3 was within her last few hours of life.
#4} Finding out I would need surgery on my Achillies tendon. 

So this new "news" to me? The love of my life...The man I would do anything for and give up everything for... mein alles... Is going to be sent to a combat zone.

My initial reaction to the phone call telling me this? Desperation. Derived from fear. I cried. I thought "why? why is this happening to me. Damn the Marine Corps! Damn this stupid 'war'. And Damn ME for thinking that my marine was not going to be sent away!"
My heart hurts so much. I cried for what seemed like hours but was not truly that much. Every minute that I am not near him seems like hours, hours seem like days, and so on through time.
With a little help from my mother I was able to slightly calm down. She's a smart woman and gives good advice. There are many reasons why I live my mother and this is one of them, but it will not stop me from hurting. It will, though, help me to understand why I must hurt.

I love Oliver. That was my choice. It was his choice that he joined the Marine Corps, and he is happy to finally be doing what he signed up to do. As much as it hurts me I must be happy for him and strong for him. My being unhappy will not stop him from going, it will only increase my misery and his also, and he doesn't need that. I should enjoy what time is left before he goes, so that is what I will try to do.
"The pain, it seems, will never end..."

I'd like to start writing more. Not that I ever have much to say, but it's nice to think that maybe someone is listening.
I have blisters on my feet from walking so much in the last few days. Since monday I've walked about 10 miles. Monday was around 2.5, Tuesday was about 5, and Today was again around 2.5. All this after being on my feet all day.  Oh woe is me. I feel like bitching right now just because I'm so exhusted, but when I try to sleep I can't. I'm usually a light sleeper, but since Sunday night it's been re-god Damn-diculous! on average I've gotten about 3-4 hours a night. and my body is starting to feel it.  I actually like the walking though. I like the time alone to think my own thoughts, and today I ran a little bit of the walk to.  I always liked that feeling, like when I wrestled, and I'd be so sore but coach made us push.  The burning feeling. *sigh* (bear crawls).
I talked to Scott today. Man talk about memories, I've known that kid for 5 years... has it really gone by that fast? It seems like yesterday we were competing to be the better distance swimmer on the team. Talked for an hour and 45 minutes, guess times haven't changed that much. I told him about whats happend in my life since I last saw him, how Jo's been doing (i think he always had a thing for her, everyone did), told him about Oliver and how much I love him (oliver), and we talked about people from high school, and one-hundred and eight!. No one ever understood us for that.  "bist Du neu?" we'd say to them. Hahaha! I wish he'd had a better day and that his girlfriend wasn't such a bitch.  I miss ya Scott.

One month exactly since I've written. It is a pity I don't write more. 
Oliver will be home from Australia within a week.  I cannot express on this page how glad I will be (in so many different ways) that he will be near me again.  I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cursed the Marine Corps for having taken him away from me and put him in another country for SIX damn weeks. 
As there have been many times in my life where I have thought of enlisting, this is not one of them. And the time that he has been gone has made me realize that I would not enlist under any of the following circumstances:
A) I was not completely single.
B) It was any other service that the best, if you know me you know the answer to this.
C) I had a job that I wanted.

I am not saying that good things have not come from this (his being gone).  I know now, more than ever, that I truly love him.  People say "distance make the heart grow fonder" I'm not sure it's that it make it grow fonder. It's just that once you are not able to see someone or hold someone, or even call someone you realize exactly how much you care about them.  I already knew how much I cared about him, I just couldn't express it. I think it might have been that I was too afraid. I still am afraid, but I'm not afraid to express it now.

Things were different with people I loved before.  Stephen (no offense to him) was puppy love. I was 14-15 years old at the time, I see that now.  Michael was (and is) someone I truly cared about. love? I remember thinking (the day he told me he loved me) that he didn't know what he was talking about.  We'd been dating for about 3 weeks at the time.  I was 16 and so was he.  I did not immediately tell him that I also loved him. I thought about it for awhile and eventually I felt like "yes, I do love him".  My justification for this feeling was "he is someone I want to have in my life, for the rest of my life".  And then there is Oliver. The first time he told me he loved me I thought "could he really care about me as much as I care about him?" I did love him, and at that time I loved him the same way I loved Michael.  Someone I wanted in my life for the rest of it.  But time has gone by, and things have happened that have helped me realize exactly how I loved him and why. He is not just someone I want in my life for the rest of it, he's someone I want to be with for the rest of it.

Some people might think there is something wrong with me for saying that. I don't.
yeah, forever big word huh? But if you read the definition of forever     n : time without end ...
Wow.
Really no one knows what forever is.
Forever could be tomorrow.