Friday, August 15, 2003
Thursday, August 14, 2003
So, my day has been interesting. Even my mom says I need a boyfriend. My God! I feel so lame. I have a meeting with the Cadets in like almost an hour, and here I am sitting at the library. *highlight of my day!* I didn't really have much to write today. I wrote christina a letter last night. :) Hopefully she gets it, I dont know if she ever got my last one. Well, time to go to the meeting, I gotta go home and change.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
It's been a long time since I wrote last...I start my Firefighter 1-2 in 10 days, my God 10 days!
So here's whats going on in my mind: I just got a copy of a letter that my best friend sent to my other best friend. Everything in that letter I knew already (about Pat being a cheating, lying, Bitch! *I hope he reads this so he knows what he is!*) Now I'm just pissed off. I wish I could make her see what I see. She's so much better than almost anyone out there and he treats her like dirt. I don't know what to say to her. :( I feel so helpless. I'v ecome across hard things with guys in my life, been treated like shit...been handled like trash. But as much as it hurt to leave I knew it would only get worse if I stayed. I can't make her see that The words I want her to hear never come out of my mouth. Too afraid...afraid that I'm gonna hurt her (by saying it) more than he is (by doing it), afraid that she might get mad at me and not want to talk to me again. reading the letter she sent me all I could think about was how much he deserves to get his ass kicked, and how much I would love to be the one to do it. She was telling something about a fight they'd had...I was just sitting here thinking that if a guy would have said that to me I would be bawling my ass off. Then I wondered if she'd cried...he deserves a lot worse than a beating if he made her cry. Then I wondered if she didn't cry...I don't want him to make her numb...numb to life, live, pain, joy...I just want her happy. I wonder if she's happy still with him. I wonder if there is ever a time when she's with him that she thinks "God, I still love him" and smiles to herself because of his company...It makes me want to vomit thinking that there is still something in him that might please her. But I am not her. I don't know what she is thinking or feeling. I'm not there in the room next to her anymore, and I cant walk out my door 10 steps and see the look on her face. Because If I could then I would know all the things I don't right now. I hurt thinking about what he's done to her...what he's still doing to her? *sigh* I wish I knew, and i wish I had the strength to say what I think. I guess I'm afraid that she wouldn't listen either...
So here's whats going on in my mind: I just got a copy of a letter that my best friend sent to my other best friend. Everything in that letter I knew already (about Pat being a cheating, lying, Bitch! *I hope he reads this so he knows what he is!*) Now I'm just pissed off. I wish I could make her see what I see. She's so much better than almost anyone out there and he treats her like dirt. I don't know what to say to her. :( I feel so helpless. I'v ecome across hard things with guys in my life, been treated like shit...been handled like trash. But as much as it hurt to leave I knew it would only get worse if I stayed. I can't make her see that The words I want her to hear never come out of my mouth. Too afraid...afraid that I'm gonna hurt her (by saying it) more than he is (by doing it), afraid that she might get mad at me and not want to talk to me again. reading the letter she sent me all I could think about was how much he deserves to get his ass kicked, and how much I would love to be the one to do it. She was telling something about a fight they'd had...I was just sitting here thinking that if a guy would have said that to me I would be bawling my ass off. Then I wondered if she'd cried...he deserves a lot worse than a beating if he made her cry. Then I wondered if she didn't cry...I don't want him to make her numb...numb to life, live, pain, joy...I just want her happy. I wonder if she's happy still with him. I wonder if there is ever a time when she's with him that she thinks "God, I still love him" and smiles to herself because of his company...It makes me want to vomit thinking that there is still something in him that might please her. But I am not her. I don't know what she is thinking or feeling. I'm not there in the room next to her anymore, and I cant walk out my door 10 steps and see the look on her face. Because If I could then I would know all the things I don't right now. I hurt thinking about what he's done to her...what he's still doing to her? *sigh* I wish I knew, and i wish I had the strength to say what I think. I guess I'm afraid that she wouldn't listen either...