They think they're closest to me but really they don't know the real me. Would it be so bad to hurt my friends a little if I get my own happiness...?
Friday, September 23, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
it's getting sohard for me to sleep at night... again.
I'm having dreams about being in airports and not getting on the plane and ALL I want is to be with Oliver. Anymore I wake up all the time at night no matter how tired I am and I stare at the cieling for hours before falling asleep even when I'm exhausted. Why can't I just figure things out? What did I do to deserve this life that I am leading?
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I don’t know what I felt like writing... I was thinking about how it was when Oliver was in Afghanistan. The nights I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep, and the days that I pretended like everything was okay. The people that surround me in my life are oblivious to the pain I went though. I think back to those months he was gone fighting in Operation Enduring Freedom. That time tore me apart, broke my spirit and pierced my soul. I will never heal from that. The worst part is I know parts of me are different now, things I would never have changed in myself are lost forever. And he is going to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom surely if I have to go though what I went through with Operation Enduring Freedom I will not make it and I’m scared of that.
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
Monday, September 19, 2005
i wish i would have stayed in hawaii
the shit i go through here is just fucking stupid. i'm tired of stupid fucking shit. i hate my life. i wish it would just end.