Damn, I deleted my blog! Grrrr! anyways... so, Christmas has come and gone. Almost New Years now, I can't believe how fast time is going.

And how long it's been. I think that is the only think I dis-like about "the Holidays" a.k.a. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years...I tend to think about the past alot. Not that I try to, but my good Memories just freely flow in around this time of the year.

I used to keep count...of how long it had been. I guess it never really mattered. I keep dreaming about him, just lately. Now I wonder "what if".

Do you know how many times I have told my-self not to look back? And, do you know how many times I have looked back? No, nobody knows. Why? Because I don't tell them.

I don't tell them how much it hurts me to think of him, or how the slightest thing (his smell, spiked hair, Metallica, some foods) sends me this memory, of him, of what it was like to be with him.

So the point of the story? There isn't one...I guess. Or is there? I would tell people my problems but they would say to look at how long its been...I should be over it by now. And usually I am. But lately? I'm not right now. Ha! I was the same way last year around this time. I look at the last year of my life and I kinda went to shit with it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be happy...

I was happy with him, I was happy before so many things in my life changed. Everything is different now though.

Don't look back...

Christmas Eve and I'm sitting at home,
Wondering why I am sitting alone...
Wishing I had someone holding my hand,
These thoughts, alone, are making "Holidays" bland.

Looking up at the stars shining bright,
Thinking of You on this cold, lonely, winter night...
But You shouldn't be the one in my heart,
And still, every year, that's the hardest part.

How much longer will thoughts of you linger in my mind?
My "Un-Answered Prayer" from two years back in time,
And now all I wish is for those thoughts to fade
For those dreams with you to go away.

Faster than they fade each day,
Until finally they will still away.
Then maybe, looking at the stars shining bright,
IT won't be such a cold, lonely, winter night...
By: Jonya Repucci 12/24/2003

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all - A Good Night..."

yes....that is me alright. Hehehehe...
Happy Holidays Everybody...

BTW I graduated from the Academy on December 17th! (2003 of course)

My interview was this morning (December 4th). I think it went well. Very Well. Like They laughed at things I said and I didn't forget to say anything. I really wanna be out there.
Wow! i'm so freaking tired now, I clicked out of this window for two minutes and forgot what I was doing. It's because I'm talking to someone Cool. JJS :)
So yeah, Class is crazy...I'm pissed at myself for Wednesday night. I could have done so much better, but I just wasn't there (mentally). I can't do that shit...that's how people get hurt. I think I was just hella stressed...FINALS

I don't have much time to write...
Did you know that LAFitness (tries) charges $15 for a guest pass! Kinda BS...
So class is going great we had a burn at the Chandler training facility a about a week and a half ago. This Saturday we have one out in Tempe. :) I love burns...
I can't believe Thursday is Thanksgiving...
Tomorrow I am going out to Durango to let the Juvie kids have Thanksgiving...Something Buckeye fire is doing...
Speaking of, I got my letter Friday...
Wish me luck...

Mass Casualty day was so bad ass! My crew was first engine in and I was the Nozzleman so I got to pull the handline in!
I have a new Engine now...I'm on Engine 1! hehehe. It's cool. Well on Saturday WE were the first crew in and I found three victims...Tow Immediates and one Delayed. My Plugman and Engineer took out the first immediate and the delayed patient. My Crew's Captain and I kept searching our floor of the building. When We got around to the South east side of the floor I found another Immediate Patient, so the Captain and I took him out.
It was SO much FUN!

Damn, I haven't written in almost a month. Wow. I've been freakin busy!
Academy is going freakin awesome. Tomorrow is Mass Casualty day. It's gonna be bomb.

I'm testing right now. I hope I do good. I think I will. The written is this weekend.
Lets see. since the last time I wrote....Halloween happened!!!!!!!! Bomb ass party the weekend before at Houstons. So much fun. I met a guy there, Robert, He's cool. I like him.

I'm totally sure that Houston doesn't like me like that. Don't really need to say why, but it's cool cause he's awesome and all but he probably makes a better friend than boyfriend and all. I guess.

Tony called me Monday...and again on Friday. Crazy huh? hehehe.
So...out of them all I like Robert the most. For now at least.

So this thing with Houston, it'd never work. Both of us being in the Academy together, It'd be kinda tough, I don't know, tough to explain to people that don't understand the class and how much it takes out of you and how much time it takes up.

I'm not crazy I'm just a little un-well, I know right now you can't tell. Just stay a while and maybe then you'll see...a different side of me...

So I don't know if it means anything but I talked to Houston last night. He called my phone and was like "did you call?" and I say "yeah a few people from my class are hanging out..." and proceed to invite him. Then he asks if I sent him a text message. I say 'no, just the one last week about thanks for the gas' and he says "oh, someone sent me one saying 'I'll call you tomorrow' " I laugh, "No, it wasn't me" I say, then proceed to say "But I will if you want" and he chuckes and says "right on"

So now I wonder....

Today I'm doing a 24 hour shift. Shibby!
Today I feel like it won't be long...I swear I can feel it coming.

And I don't want the World to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand...When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

There is a guy that I like...but I think if I ever had a chance with him I blew it big time on saturday night. His name is Houston *sigh* yeah, I'm sure I fucked it up. A bunch of us were meeting at my house so we could all go to a party. and I started drinking as soon as I got home from class (at 630pm) people we're meeting at my house at 845pm...so Ron and I are drinking and I'm trying to keep up to Ron. Then Houston gets to my house and I (wanna show off) so I bust out the Jose Cuervo and start doing shots...by 9pm I've had 6 beers and 5 shots. Then we go to the party. I have one more beer on the way and then we get there. I have a corona at the party and end up falling ( I swear I was pushed) into the pool. Freeze my Ass off! and then BLANK I remember waking up with my head in a trash can and I remember laying in the back of a big car (I thought it was a truck but it was a Suburban) Then I remember waking up in my bathroom at home.

I haven't had a Hangover since I was a junior in high school...that was almost 5 years ago (cause it was New Years Eve my junior year)

So yeah, I think IF I ever did have a chance with Houston, I don't anymore. Shitty feeling cuz he's a freakin awesome guy.

We talked about stress in class last night. Firefighter is rated the #3 most stressful job in the US (#1 being President and #2 the CEO of a large Company) I can see how too...I heard a great analogy for it last night.

"it's like every shift you are there walking around with your basket and all day long you pick up rocks and put them in this basket then at the end of your shift you dump the rocks out of your basket and take the basket home. Well one day you go to dump out your basket and one of those rocks doesn't come out so you take it home with you. And this keeps happening until you get to the one day where you go to dump out the basket and none of the rocks come out."

My life has a lot of stress lately...and my rocks are building up, soon enough its gonna start hurting me.

I have a black eye - I haven't had one since I was 7- I don't know where it came from either...

Okay, Saturday was SO Freakin' bad ass!!!!!!!!!!
I do have a bruise on my arm from ladder bails, but it was so much fun! I was kinda worried about the Denver drill, but I did really good (or so I was told) at it. I felt good about it.
Since then here'e what's happened to me... went out with TC Saturday night, Went and drilled on Sunday at the station (we drilled from 11-3ish) Talk about being in pain (after a night out). Then We BBQ-ed at the station, that was sweet! after that TC, Edgar, Matt, and I went to the Lake. *shibby* Got stuck for 2 hours *fuck-a-roo* got out on our own *sweet* went home, slept, worked Monday til 1, hung out with Lani til Class, Went and took my quiz (85% :-p ) Went to class, went home and...TONY CAME OVER!!! YAY! it was so awesome, even though there is nothing to do at my house. It totally made my day to have him over. :) Today I haven't done hardly anything. I went to lunch with my little sister :) I can't believe she's in 8th grade! holy crap....

Oh Geez! I saw *Tony* tonight!!! totally made my night. :-) He came by my work to see me! *sigh* I miss lani :( Dunno when she'll be home. It's okay I'll be busy this weekend.
Tomorrow -> Ladder Bails (hell yeah!), Repelling from windows using just a tool and some rope (I'm told) and The Denver Drill (kinda worried...everyone says it's tough)
Remember the guy from my last 'blog'? Yeah...I saw him today. *so hot*
Gotta go now. Wish me luck at jumping out of windows tomorrow! (ladder bails)

So I'm at the computer lab at the college. I think I come here hoping that I'll meet more people than I meet in class (because those guys are off limits) but really all the guys in here are either fat, or hella ugly, or nerds, or just not my type...Really kinda sad. Guess I am way off in my thinking of "how to meet guys"So last night I'm at applebees and I kinda realize something: The Guys that dress like the punk/skater/plays the guitar/ with the belt with metal studs and sagging corduroy and the beater (a.k.a 'wife beater') shirts....yeah, I like those guys. For some reason I find them totally attractive. Fuck if I know!
I think lately any guy that I come across that I would usually only find remotely attractive, now I find them hot. Well this guy last night. I've run into him before (a lot) and I totally thought he was hot before, but now...so lonely/been so long...I'd be all over that shit in a heart beat! hahhaa. But I dont want that kind of relationship, and I'm almost sure the type fo guy he is- he's not looking for what I am. You know?

Someone in my class told me I did really good at the 2 1/2 inch stand-pipe...It was my first time and I wasn't really sure how I did...I'm glad someone is telling people that I did good. Because the guy I found out from said one of the other guys had told him. *cheesy grin*

Tomorrow is "Hose Lays" in class. I'm glad, I totally need work on my hose lays, the first time I ever pulled hose off the truck (Wednesday night in class) I ate asphalt...only two people in my class bit it. Me and Nick.
I love this class so much. We are starting to come together more. I hang out a lot with the other 03-03 class. So much fun.
My week hasn't been as good as I want it though. I'm totally stressed out this week, and it's been hard for me. My ankles are Cankles...Dr says it might be an allergic reaction...To what? I dont know. My sister needs help, and I don't know what to do...Between Work, School, and her I have my hands full. I feel like everything is gonna be different now...It's just begun too.

It's September 11th...I remember where I was two years ago today. Crazy how shit happens
I just re-took the death test (because I was talking to some guys from the Op's class about it last night) let's see what I got...
December 27, 2047 at 64 years old...at least I'll never have to renew my drivers license...it doesn't expire until April 10th, 2048
Here are the things I'll most likely die from: Cancer - (16%), Heart Attack (15%), Alcoholism (13%), Drowning (13%), Alien Abduction (11%), Third Degree Burns (5%), Suicide (5%), Homicide (5%)
Interesting. The part about the Third degree burns bothers me a bit. That wasn't on there the last time I took the test.

So I'm sitting at the college right now, praying that I'll meet the man of my dreams here. Yeah, not happening. I see all kinds of other people though. Last time saw a girl I used to swim with, my Ex (that I dated for 3 years) his best friend (who I also used to hang out with) and this time I saw a guy I used to swim with...
Can't I just meet a good looking guy here?

Hmmm, I wrote a whole "blog" out then Accidentally deleted it. Damn it.
Well the academy is going great. (I just ran into my Ex at the college) My class (03-04) is the ArchAngels *get-er-Dun!* I hang out alot with the other Monday/Wednesday class (03-03: Franklin Brawlers *21 Strong*) Both groups are freakin awesome! I love the class.
This Saturday is Extrication Day...which means we do the traditional *Extrication Day BBQ* hella cool. :) Dude...this class rocks. *for those of you who know me...I really hope that some Saturday you'll come out and watch us drill, and take some pic's!!!!!!!!! I've been taking a hell of a lot of pics!!!!!!!!! *Shibby!*

-> Now a bit off topic: I love reading my old blogs...It's crazy to see/remember exactly what I was thinking like a year (almost) ago...:)

It's Friday!!!!!!! Somehow for me that doesn't sound as good as it does to everyone else...I'll explain. ->I don't have a weekend! For some this is a four day weekend, me I get Sunday off. I even go to school on Monday (labor day!) BUt I'm not complaining (really!) I go to school on Saturday...all day. Wake up at 5am, be there by 645am, stay until...they let us go home (probably not until after 6pm) But I love it. I'll probably Die on Saturday...*shakes head* a lot harder than most people think. They are gonna try to get us a 110' ladder (that's the equivalent of an 11 story building), also they said for our Search and rescue drill the place we are going has smoke....Sweet! even though I don't quite know what it means, I know it means we won't be able to see.
I'm on Engine 5! hehhe, 5 is me!

I had the best day....and some how it was bad too. My kitty (that I've had since I was 3) died today. :( But *sigh* theres Tony :)

It's Monday again...hehehe that just made me think "looks like someone has a case of the Mondays" I don't , by the way, have a case of the Mondays. I'm having a good day. I started my Fire Op's 1-2 class on Saturday...I was SO nervous on Friday night. I went to bed at like 11, and woke up...felt so good, thought my alarm would be going off any second...looked at the clock...1am! thought "shit, I still have to sleep more!" fell back asleep, woke up again thinking my alarm would be going off any second. turned on my phone and it was like 3:27am! Son of a B**ch! I couldn't fall back asleep until after 4am. Then I slept until the alarm went off. :) Nice...
The class was great. 03-04! Yeah! Monday/Wednesday group got to go through the skills course first. Thank God! because the Tuesday/Thursday group had to do it after lunch. Yuck...I'd have puked for sure (instead of just swallowing it). First they split us into Engine companies. I was on Engine 8! (Yay Engine 8!) and we did turnout races. My Engine took 2nd! Pretty good out of 8 huh? Then the instructors took us around the course. Engine 8 stayed turned out the longest! (or so I was told) It looked like we did.
I totally overheated in the Burn Tower. When We got done with that they let our engine go to Rehab and I felt like shit because I thought I did really bad in the burn tower, but one of the lab techs said "if it makes you feel better there were more people sitting in re-hab than finished the course" It did make me feel better because engine 8 finished the course. After being in re-hab for a little while we pulled some huge ass tires, "opened" fake hydrants, pulled the tires again, pulled some weights up by rope, and went through the burn tower again. A few Lab Techs told me I kicked ass out there...I hope they were right. I have class in like 5 hours.

Well, Friday night went great. I did get hit on by a hot guy! I'm not sure if it was more that I hit on him and he was just cool with it or what. I don't know, and really I don't care...Because (hahaha, always a "because") on Saturday I went to a party and met the hottest guy in the city of Glendale! And he actually asked for my number. Then He called me like two hours after the party (before I went to bed) and said he was gonna call me on Sunday...AND He DID! but unfortunately I was taking a nap and I didn't hear my phone ring :( so he left a message...But he left a message. Is that bad ass (like good) or what.

I went hiking/ running (3MI trails) Friday: 530am, Saturday: 530pm, Sunday: 6pm, this morning: 530am, and I go again at 630pm. Hopefully the extra stress works me hard so Saturday (First day of my Firefighter 1-2) doesn't kick my ass too hard. I wake up every day with a knot in my stomach now because class is getting so close. I've got all these emotions. *excited!, nervous...* it's doing wonders (not really) for my sleep schedual.
Hopefully Tony calls me tonight. *sigh* hahahha

So, it's Friday night...The highlight of my night tonight is...McDuffy's with some of the Cadets, in fact I just got the call to go. So I'm off! Wish me luck (that I get hit on by a hot guy! hahaha)

So, my day has been interesting. Even my mom says I need a boyfriend. My God! I feel so lame. I have a meeting with the Cadets in like almost an hour, and here I am sitting at the library. *highlight of my day!* I didn't really have much to write today. I wrote christina a letter last night. :) Hopefully she gets it, I dont know if she ever got my last one. Well, time to go to the meeting, I gotta go home and change.

It's been a long time since I wrote last...I start my Firefighter 1-2 in 10 days, my God 10 days!

So here's whats going on in my mind: I just got a copy of a letter that my best friend sent to my other best friend. Everything in that letter I knew already (about Pat being a cheating, lying, Bitch! *I hope he reads this so he knows what he is!*) Now I'm just pissed off. I wish I could make her see what I see. She's so much better than almost anyone out there and he treats her like dirt. I don't know what to say to her. :( I feel so helpless. I'v ecome across hard things with guys in my life, been treated like shit...been handled like trash. But as much as it hurt to leave I knew it would only get worse if I stayed. I can't make her see that The words I want her to hear never come out of my mouth. Too afraid...afraid that I'm gonna hurt her (by saying it) more than he is (by doing it), afraid that she might get mad at me and not want to talk to me again. reading the letter she sent me all I could think about was how much he deserves to get his ass kicked, and how much I would love to be the one to do it. She was telling something about a fight they'd had...I was just sitting here thinking that if a guy would have said that to me I would be bawling my ass off. Then I wondered if she'd cried...he deserves a lot worse than a beating if he made her cry. Then I wondered if she didn't cry...I don't want him to make her numb...numb to life, live, pain, joy...I just want her happy. I wonder if she's happy still with him. I wonder if there is ever a time when she's with him that she thinks "God, I still love him" and smiles to herself because of his company...It makes me want to vomit thinking that there is still something in him that might please her. But I am not her. I don't know what she is thinking or feeling. I'm not there in the room next to her anymore, and I cant walk out my door 10 steps and see the look on her face. Because If I could then I would know all the things I don't right now. I hurt thinking about what he's done to her...what he's still doing to her? *sigh* I wish I knew, and i wish I had the strength to say what I think. I guess I'm afraid that she wouldn't listen either...

Well, I don't have much to write really. I'm just kinda bored. I'm at my moms office. *ugh* I think my brain will explode from boredom.
Last Saturday I went to Mexico! Puerto Penasco ( I think I spelled it right)! Dude It was bad ass!!! It was Jo, Derek & I. That was really fun. :) We spent the night up there and it only cost us $35 for our room. Sweet huh?

It's 4:32am, in less than one hour I'll be at Thunderbird Mountain doing PT to get ready for my Fire Operations class.
You know I was thinking earlier ....I feel lonley sometimes. It's almost been the whole summer, my first summer in six years without a boyfriend. I know I won't have one by the end of the summer, I'm sure I won't have one during my Fire Op's class...Not enough time *unless he cared enough to make the time for me, I haven't had a guy do that in a long time. I joke that it's about the sex, but it's not really that (maybe a little hehehehe) I guess someone to be around. A good friend, I have a good *guy* friend right now, but this is the last weekend I'll spend with him ("spend" is such a, I dunno, seems like it's a strong feeling word, but it's not like that for him & me, just friends =p)
It's okay. I've got the guys...and I want to start running with Jay and Chewy (so if you are reading this you better call me!) time to go get ready for PT. wish me luck...

Well, Yesterday was Awesome!
I picked up my Turnouts for my Fire Op's 1-2 class starting in the fall. I can't believe it. *sigh* okay, so right now I'm at the UofA waiting for my friend Derek to take this freakin math test. I have to go now though. but go take my quiz :-p
What do you really think of me?

wish me luck...

Holy crap it's been almost a month since I have posted!!! A lot has happened since then. The pool was going great, I was coaching 7 & 8 year old swim team with Derek and our kids loved us. We were the best coaches there. BUT...Some people had other plans I guess. Sunday night I went to Denny's with Derek and we ended up throwing up all night long (FUCK DENNY'S!) So anyways I finally fell asleep around 6:30am...needless to say at 7:30 when my alarm went off I didn't hear it. So when I woke up at 10am and finally called in, people were pissed. I no longer have a job, adn life is well...shit. I don't know what to do. I haven't told my mom yet. She's gonna be pissed, and I'd rather her not know until I have a new job.
So my goal tomorrow...to find a new job. Wish me luck. Breathe Deep...

Muuu-ahhahaha!
Don't ask, I totally felt like saying that though. I'm having a great day! Worked for 2.5(ish) hours, got some good food while I was there (FREE FOOD!!!!), got an Xbox (boo-yah!) and a few nice games...and my favorite Xbox game. Lani and I have been laying Xbox since 7pm, and it's 11:52 now...hahaha. Jo is all over "Munches Oddesy"! nice!!! And some friends are coming over to hang out and watch a movie! shibby! well back to video games!

Damn dude! work was short today :) 8am-11am...no swim team, but check this shit! I got in trouble for playing sharks and minnows with my class, what kind of CRAP is that.
Anyways, we (Jessica, Jason, Derek, and I) went out to lunch after work. Yummy. Derek is a stud, and I had told that to Jason last week some time, I guess he told Derek on Sunday when they were vaccuming the pool and today at lunch Jason goes "Derek I told Jonya that I told you on Sunday"...Yeah so both of us turn totally red. nice...

been a while since I've written, I guess because my life has been fairly un-eventful. Too bad so sad...
I dunno what's wrong with me...
Beating myself up with old memories...Michael's Bro and sister-in-law called me tonight...Shon sounds so much like Michael sometimes. my knees got weak, like I was afraid of something when I heard Shon in the background. Usually I'm pretty good about that shit, but when I was talking to them (Shon & Becky) it was like "Old Times". Like they were all excited about my fire fighter stuff and Shon said that maybe he'll help out with my class.
They we're my family...
and he took it all away and I really miss them. I feel like crying right now.

I'm crying out for help right now...but theres nothing that can be done. What can anyone do for me? Sit and listen to me ramble on about my pain. No. I don't need that kind of help. I don't need the kind of help that drags others into my pit. So I keep myself busy 24/7 so it's easy to ignore stupid shit that I dont need to remember. Nothing wrong with that, it helps, right? yes...it does. My mind is calling out for someone to just sit with me, but my mouth never says the words, no matter how much I need it.

hehehe...I got kissed on Monday! YAY!
Why the big deal you may ask? uhhh...because I say so that's why! Nah, I think he's a great guy...and we could do some cool things together. It's just that no one has kissed me in a REALLY long time. So it totally made me feel good. (plus he's really hot! hehehe)
Tuesday: Work at pool (0800-1300) and work on AR155 (1300-2200) we had dinner at 151 (*grin* I love that station!) There was the two engines (8 guys total) plus us (3 of us) and then a Rescue (2 more guys) So many people, it was great! At ten went and played Halo at Jay's...*Nice* I was so close (in one game) to Matt's # of kills...But *ugh* I kept dying...So I lost.
WednesdayWork at the pool (0800-1300) Then...didn't do SHIT all day long. :(
tomorrow I have drivers training at 6am! *ugh* and I think it goes until 5pm *double UGH*
I feel like playing video games...

So...I took that sex test again at www.thespark.com...definetly a different answer this time! here it is! ->
Congrats! In your life, you'll have sex with
35 people!
Including the __you've already had sex with,
that makes __new lovers! You are 49% sexy.
That's a lot of fucking (hehehe, no pun intended) people. I don't think I like the sound of that. hmmmm. But I am 49% sexy! nice. :-p....
so, uh, Haaaaayyyyy baaabbyyy! *wink wink* How you doin' ?
here's the rest of what it says:
0 of them will be female
__ of them will be male
And you will actually love 1 of them!
You have an untapped source of sexual energy.
always good to know. ~5~

Damn, J-Lo! You are...
72%
dateable! Attractive and confident, witty and charming, a healthy ambrosia-based diet... you're wanted in the 48 contiguous states, you slayer. Call me. Seduce me. Make me a man (or woman.) Not only do you know how to turn a guy's (or girl's) engines on, but you also know how to oil, lube and rotate it. You put the "elation" back into "relationship," and the "night" back into "one-night stand."

YAY! GO take the Dateable test!!! I think 72% is good. :-p

I am 45% Slut....

NICE!!!!!!! THAT is less than the Average of 46% (only one point my ass!)
Anyways, 45% is good...much better than the sex test Yesterday..."you will sleep with 17 people"
Me:17 MORE people?
Ed: (reading the page out loud) in addition to the __ that you've already slept with...

Oh! the horror!!!!! hahahaha

well, my life is odd. I've made a desicion though. I want to be a fire fighter (that I already knew) so that's all I'm going to worry about. I'm so tired of guys. fuck 'em I'm not even going to bother with them. I don't need a boyfriend any ways. Know what I do need? an Xbox yeah, I need one of those. hehehe. Nah, I just want one. So my Major goal in life is to get on with the Fire Department...my Minor goal, get an Xbox. Yeah, I don't care about being single, single is fun...I can go out and do what ever I want and not worry about having to tell someone what I did all night. *sigh* I like getting hugs though...I'll just start hugging all my guy friends. (yeah, that'll do)...what other aspects of a relationship do I miss. uhhh? There is always that Which I can go without...for now. hahaha! I miss just sitting on the couch with my head in his lap getting my hair played with. Hmmmm, I'll just have to find one of my guy friends that is comfortable doing that. IT's not like I need a boyfriend anyways. I mean all of the "important to be in a relationship" parts of the year are over and far away.
Example(s): Thanksgiving (6months away), My FireFighter I-II Graduation (6.5 mo), Christmas (7 mo), New Years (7.5 mo), Valentines (9 mo), My B-day (11 mo)
See? I don't have to worry about the "Boyfriend" thing for 5 more months. (Five is me!!!!! ~5~)
TAKE THIS TEST

okay. I've been hella busy the last week (and then some) Tuesday (the 20th) I went and watched Chewy & Scott, and Marie Graduate...all so grown up now. *sigh* I feel so OLD!!!!!! I can't believe it. Later that night I ended up going to the Lake until like 2:30am. It was sweet, I faced a fear (swam to the bouy in the middle of the night...so dark, who knows what is in that water). Wednesday, rode the AR van...no good calls, did i even run a complete call??? I think 2 yes. Thursday, rode on the Engine for about 10 hours, got like 3 (0r 4) calls. Friday Rode out in Daisy Mountain, 8am to 8pm...Snake Removal was the big call of the day (ran 2 calls total). Saturday, worked out at the Phoenix Training Academy. Sunday, Cliff Jumping and 3 hours of puking after getting wasted playing Halo. Monday...slept, and slept, and slept...then played B-ball (almost won against 6 guys) and played more Halo, then watched National Security with Chewy. (hehehe, Matt) Tuesday...didn't do much. Slept, drove a lot. Got tires rotated. Going to watch movies! BooYah!

holy shit! it's been a long time since I posted. Not that anyone reads this and gets worried when I don't write (not that anyone reads it period) Anyways, I was thinking about Crystal today (my big sis) not like a worried kind or thinking...Just thinking, she was on my mind. I wish she'd move to AZ, I highly doubt that will ever happen...But I can dream can't I? Fuck it, I gotta go to bed. It's almost one and I gotta get up EARLY! Oh, also I want to add in that The Matrix Reloaded was bad ASS! Saw it last night and tonight. Shibby! Night guys, Breathe Deep. ~5~

Are You HOT or NOT?

Well, well, well....So, I checked out that Hot or Not website...out of sheer boredome (okay, okay some curiosity too) I posted a Profile on me....I am rated a 5.9 out of 10...WTF, there are ugly people on that site that have better ratings then me! Click here to rate me!!! Would you believe that there are some people that have given me ones...ONES!!! I know I'm not a one...I consider 5 average, and one is like freakin' ugly, I don't give anyone ones....What's up with that? Anyway, Obviously some people think I'm ugly...I don't think so. Those bastards!!!!!

Saturday and Sunday went by pretty fast. Man am I out of shape. I'll be hiking at least twice a week starting this week. I went to Shaw Butte' Today (I'm almost sure I spelled that wrong). It kills me man, takes me back to wrestling. Ugh! hehehe- but man does it feel good! I'm going hiking again on Tuesday. Got a shift from 10-10 tomorrow. Saw Paul yesterday...I can never get enough of him *sigh*...maybe I'll see him Tuesday. okay, well I'm gonna get back to my book now. "From the Corner of His Eye" by Dean Koontz (my favorite author *cheesy grin*) Night guys! Breathe Deep...

my, my...long day. I'm beat. It's 12:25am. I got home about an hour ago...ish. I dunno. Something like that. Anyways. 12 hour shift at the station and it was great. Even though one call that we got sent on should have definetly been PD. but, "oh well" *sighs* Bed time now. Night guys. Breathe Deep...

hence, Hence...hence

You are...Obvious


Which Christina Aguilera Song are you?
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i suppose that is me. I'm so bored right now! My computer is being a fuck head (slow) ...I really wanted to see Paul today, but I don't think that's gonna happen. I wish he'd just tell me "yes" or "no" on if I'm going to get to see him. But he doesn't...I wish he would. SO anyways, I planned out my night (since I'll be bored at home alone) so here it is:
6:33pm right now, in about 25 minutes (unless I get a call from Paul saying i get to see him) I'm going to go downstairs and turn on the TV (channel 12) and watch the Fear Factor Championship because that show is BAD ASS! adn I am gonna watch it until it's over, then at 8pm I'm going to watch the Third Watch Season Finale (because that is my favorite show!) then I'll watch Crossing Jordan at 9pm because it's a pretty good show and tonights episode looks good. Then I'll change the channel to 61 at 10pm (after Crossing Jordan)and watch The Simpsons at Ten and 10:30pm.

~Michael~ I wonder if you ever felt the pain that I felt. I can't believe how long it's been that you haven't been around. Today is 238...Two hundred and thirty eight days since you have been "mine". Almost a year. Sometimes I look back and think "he's not the Michael I knew...what happened there? Was I just blind?" I gave you my all...and you took it, without so much as a "Thank You". I used to be so much stronger, and you ruined that for me, because now I am afraid. Truly afraid. Not really of guys, just of love...for anyone. I'm afraid of losing love again. And I'm there now: Like there is this doorway I'm standing at...you know the feeling when you are inside on a bright sunny, breezy and perfectly warm day...just standing right inside the door looking out thinking "I should really go outside today, it's beautiful" but for some reason you just stand there looking...yearning…but just standing.

I’m standing inside of that door right now…looking out at the bright beautiful day that represents love in my mind. And although I can see how beautiful it is and how great it feels out there, I just stand and watch.

Do you see what you’ve done to me? For the last few weeks I’ve been getting closer and closer to that door, and I’m so close to stepping out…just standing in the doorway. The man I’ve always dreamed of is here now…I’ve been waiting for a day this beautiful for a long time. and I’m holding back from him…putting up walls…I just can’t bring my self to go out side. but you know what, I can feel it in my heart how much I care for him…I’m planning on going out there. what holds me back is the fear of rejection…I just want to be sure it’s not going to turn into a storm. But in my heart I’m almost sure he feels the same way…I look out that door and I can’t see a cloud in sight…I just want to be sure...

wow...People are totally getting on my nerves right now. I feel shitty, like I can't control anything in my life. I'm going to find out what is going on, I'm ready for bad news. Don't want bad news but I'm ready for it. I think this is what I'm going to say to him "you know what, I know what I want in my life, and I'm ready for it...I don't know what you want, and I don't feel like you are ready for me. You seem like you have too much to take care of with your own life, too busy with yourself. I need more that you've been giving me. And I can understand that you might have other things to take care of, and I really really really like you, alot..." that's all I have so far. And I have to figure out how to work that into the conversation. I feel like shit right now. ("These Days" by Rascal Flatts just came on...I love this song)

I am 40% Punk Rock

Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com

I am 55% Geek

Nerd, Freak, Geek, Dweeb. Sound familiar? That's okay, cause I will be the richest person at my 15th year high school reunion. If a "con" isn't happening that weekend.

Take the Geek Test at fuali.com

I wish I made "mad dough" hehehe. I'm eating a yummy apple right now. Know what confuses me:
Apples and Oranges are the same size (about)...So Why is it that I can eat three (3) Oranges in one sitting before I'm full, but it only takes one Apple to have the same effect?
I have a theory: ~Oranges are mostly liquid-ish stuff and pulp so it's more easily compacted in your stomach.

*Is that true? or is there some other explination? Anyways, I finished the apple now, and I'm stuffed (the one apple) hmmm...

I am 61% Evil Genius

Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com

hehehe! Shibby! This week is going to be great! :) Yes!!! *sighs*

I got up early today and took Lani Back to Tucson. She still hasn't met Paul. I don't know what's up. I'm hungry right now though, and I think I'm gonna go to Arrowhead mall. yeah. It's hot in my room I need out.
Oh! I painted my toe nails yesterday. :) They are pretty now. bye-bye!

Ich bin das Verlieben: I'm scared...don't know what to do...

I am 48% Goth

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

Well, today (April 10th) is my 20th Birthday...Weird, I don't feel any older. I sure don't think I look *much* older. It's just because 20 is no big deal. Eh! what can I say..."I'm tired" (that's what) so lets re-cap...
I love my life!
Best Present this year is between a few things, definitely between number 1 & 2:
1) A picture of my Grandpa next to his Military Jeep (when he was 26 years old) from my step-mom.
2) My little sister (Lani) coming to visit me from Tucson :)
3) A card (just the card) I got from my dad, I really like what it said
4) The dozen, red, long-stemed roses that were on my desk when I got to work (from my boyfriend)

The best present I've ever gotten was for my 18th Birthday, and Lani had 18 people call and leave messages on the answering machine at my house. Number 18 was my dad and my little sister singing happy birthday...I cried. It was the best I've ever gotten. (and it didn't cost a dime!...I'm not a big money person)
NIght everyone! (I'm not a teen anymore YAY!) Breathe Deep & Sleep with Angels!
~5~

eight-six-seven-five-three-oh-ni-eeii-ine...
~I saw the best new commercial today. If I drank soda I would totally go buy a Mountain Dew. It's the commercial where the dude is in the ocean in a boat. And he kinda sit's back for a second and grabs a Mountain Dew out of his bag like "ah" and opens it, then a whale swallows him and in it's stomach he pops open a flare and sees a huge group of people and they are like "hi!" and they all hold up thier Mountain Dew. Then when the whale dives under you can see the bottom on it's tail and it says "Do The Dew". Funny stuff.
~I wanna either go 4x4ing on Sunday or go work at the fire station. Both sound great, I'll probably do the latter. But going four wheeling would be a blast, I'll go if I can find someone to ride with me. That way I don't have to meet a bunch of new people alone.
Breathe Deep & Sleep with Angels...
(I wanna see Paul)

My Birthday is in two days. I don't really feel like it's that soon. I don't think I am going to feel any older than I feel now. No special "privileges" come with this birthday (20)...or the last one for that matter (19) the only difference is I'm not a "teen" anymore. Woohoo!
***For some reason I have this picture in my mind that if anyone were to hear me read this out loud they would get some drab and monotone voice.** That's how I would feel like reading it right now. I'm tired, and I guess kinda pissed off. Not thoroughly pissed, just kind of annoyed I suppose. Yeah, Annoyed is a better way to put it. I don’t feel like explaining right now. Maybe later. Breathe Deep…

Look at This!!!

Tom Arnold is freakin' hilarious! Hahahah! He was on Jay Leno tonight for his new book "How I lost 5 pounds in six years". I am definitely gonna get that book...just for the title. Man, he's cracked out too, like kind of restless. Funny stuff. I didn't know he was 44! Whoa. There is some golfer chick on right now too.

Oh yeah...I just realized "Wow! I've had this page for a long time!" Almost half a year...(that's a long time for me).

Wow! I love Third watch! It's the best show in the world. At least to me. :) So yeah, i just got done watching it. It was the first of FIVE new episodes (Five is ME!) Leading to the season finale. Well Sully has been an Alcoholic for most of the season (all of the season) SO...Some of the other cops "kidnapped" Sully and took him into the woods for an intervention. It was a great episode. Usually the show skips around between the cops, paramedics, and firefighters but this episode showed what happened with Sully like how he went though withdrawls. He was seeing things and he hit Bosco over the head with a small log because he though Bosco was a bad guy. Great show. :) You guys should check it out! Monday Nights on NBC...It's on after Fear Factor so at 8pm for me (here in Arizona)
Whoa...someone fucked with my Template...WTF?!? I'm confused, how did it happen???

I did that "weirdo" quiz again...




what sort of weirdo are you?

this quiz by orsa
Nice huh? it's so me...
"Muehehehehe" Just sound it out man...

I posted this on this page too, but I really want everyone to see it, so I'm going to put it up on this page too. it's my top 10 list of "Favorite Smells"
here it is:
1) Jasmine Blossom
2) Rain in the air: like when you can smell it before it comes, and it's so thick in the air
3) Campfire: the next morning on your clothes
4) The air at the beach or in the "forests" in Hawaii
5) Orange Blossom
6) Fresh Roses: Like in a garden or when you are out pruning the bushes
7) The Forest/ Christmas Trees: especially after it rains
8) The desert when it rains
9) Men that I care about: with or without cologne they all have a certain/different smell...*sigh*
10) My Pumpkin Pie Baking in the Oven

Oh God! I've done Nothing but smile the last few days...I'm sure people think I'm stoned (but I'm not). Any ways, Life is good.Actually, it's not good, It's GREAT!!! Paul is great...I'm so into him. *sighs, and floats off to cloud nine*
I'm doing a lot of Volunteer work this week. Wednesday I've got a ride-a-long from 4pm to Midnight. And then Friday I'm going to be a victim for the Paramedic class from 8:30am to around 2:30pm. Cool huh? I think so. Saturday I should be doing a Habitat For Humanities building project. That will be fun, but I need to call around (fuck today is "A" shift! Damn it!) I have to call on Wednesday. Because the contact guy is a Rover. so I can't just call one station to find him (unless I get lucky) Darn. Eh! Birthday party to go to. Bye bye! Crystal is Legolas too! YAY!!!

one more quiz today! hehehe. I love these things. Crystal did some pretty cool shit with the "My pics (shibby)" page and with the "nothing yet" page I really like it, a lot. y'all should check it out...
about this quiz...I think Legolas is the hottest character there! hehehe. Too bad this doesn't put a pic of him on my web page. :( That would be great! Ohhhh! It does.
Legolas


Which Lord of the Rings Character are you?
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Today is Quiz day!




what sort of weirdo are you?

this quiz by orsa

I am an imaginary number 1i I don't really exist _

what number are you?

this quiz by orsa

31.25 %

My weblog owns 31.25 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

You are garnet You sometimes seem like a snobby and bossy person, but really, you are always thinking about other people before thinking about yourself.

take this quiz!

"WE make a living by what we get, but we make a Life by what we give." unknown
Just think about that. God! I love my life. I've got the greatest guy. He is really awesome, and I'm so comfortable with him. I just enjoy having him around. , I miss my big sis...That's all for now.

Man! I'm falling hard for this guy. he's really great. Last night he said "Jonya, I'm really falling for you" and I was like really? and he said "yes" and I was like Truthfully? and he said "yes" then I said "I already fell" God! he is great, I'm so worried that he is gonna break my heart. We were talking about what we are looking for in a companion. And after he said his thing I kinda chuckled 'cuz I was gonna crack a joke, and he toldf me to say it...so I did. I was like "So, basically you're looking for me." :) and he said "yes, I am looking for you. I've waited my whole life for you" oh, man! he's got a way with words...sometimes it's totally story book, you know? Too good to be true, like "How can this be my life?" but right now it is. And it feels so good.

YAY! I get to see him today! It's really great outside right now, sun is out and it's probably about 80 degrees (give or take some) or so out side right now. I bought (with mom's money) some oranges today, so I'm getting ready to go sit on the grass out front and have an orange or two (they are kinda small for oranges) Just kinda to enjoy the weather outside. It's great out today. :) Breathe Deep...

I'll add on to last nights (late night) post: God, this guy is great! But when I wrote last night I was happy because I got to talk to my big sis (Crystal)! God! I love talking to her! She really is my big sister.
But yeah (Jamie) I did talk to him, not really about anything in particular. He's so great. I mean...*sigh* He tells me (constantly) how good I am and how gorgeous I am, and "I've got this light about me"…He really makes me smile. Last night he told me “I’m crazy about you” (*sigh* I’m crazy about him too). I keep going back and forth between being so happy about him and being ecstatic about my big sis! She's gotta come visit me now...Life is SO good!!! I really want to go camping....

Do you ever just have memories, and wish you wrote them down on somedays, kinda so you could keep remembering them over and over again? I do.

Oh My God! Dude! Holy Shit! AhhhhhhAAAAhhH!!!! YAY! I love you Big SIS!!! *Sigh* God! Life is great! It really is...I can't even say anything...I love my life! I'm SO Happy right now! I just want to jump up and down! AHhhhhhhh! I've got this little "happiness" buzz (adrenalin or endorphins...something!)

Class was good...Grief & Death Notification. Long, and that classroom is HOT! But, he wasn't there. Blah! It's all good though...so, I'm gonna vent:

*sigh* (here goes) I really (REALLY) like this guy...But, I am so afraid of being hurt. I don't quite know what to do. My mind is pulling me in two different directions. It's like I like him but I'm scared. I like him more than I am scared of being hurt. It's just that it's there in the back of my mind.
I'm going to see him tomorrow...should I tell him I'm afraid of being hurt? I want to know what he wants from me, like: relationship, friend (I'm sure it's not just a friend), (as bad as this sounds) friends with benefits? See...to me, he is a great guy, definitely Boyfriend material, but I don’t know what he wants...should I ask? I think I should but I don't want to scare him away...I mean it's not like I'm gonna ask him to be my boyfriend (I leave that up to the guy) I just wanna know...eh!

hehehe! I was just listening to a CD in my Jeep (Crystal will get a kick out of this). Well, song ends and next one starts, the guy didn't even start singing , it was just the intro music, and this little voice pops into my head, "This is my dad's song to me!" *sigh* good times, good times...This one's for you 7!

YAY! 2.5 hours until class! (the clock on this site is wrong)

***Note: when I said "Stupid People suck" :) I was refering to people that have no common sense. (or very little common sense, for that matter). I guess like when people say (or do) "stupid" things...How many people have heard the song "Where's Your Sign?" I think stupid people need signs...Oh yes, and I realize that I am NOT perfect. I too have done stupid things...I don't do them all the time though.

YAY! :) class starts in 7 hours...still too far away. :(
(is that enough detail on the "Stupid People" thing?)

Awww...he wasn't in class today. Bummer. :( Hopefully he'll be there tomorrow. He called me. I've barely known him for a week and it was SO nice to hear his voice on the other end of the phone. *sigh* I'm going to bed now.
~Sleep with Angels~
Breathe Deep...

Yay! I have class tonight! I can't wait for class...I wish the class was a whole semester long. So...what is my day like? Actually looks kind of busy. I work from 10am until 4pm at 5pm I've got a Lake Pleasant protocol meeting (in case there is a lake emergency). Immediately following that is the cadet meeting. Then I haul ass out to Tempe for my class. I wonder if I can get the cadet meeting info early so I can leave right after the Lake Pleasant protocol thing. That would be great!

Hmmm…Crystal might get to come down for the Mexico trip, she’d be here the 20th. That would be so awesome! It really would. Oh, I wish I wish I wish (I were a fish! Teehee!) She would come. Then she can meet “The guy” :) That gave me this (3rd pic down) I really like him… (I’ll write more later today)

Oh...One more thing :Stupid people suck...they piss me off (is that bad that I say that? I think stupid people piss everyone off)

hey! How many people watched Fear Factor tonight? How about Meet My Kids (supposed to be Meet My Folks)? It was great...although I'm bummed Third Watch wasn't on...:(

Song of the Day: "All that Jazz" (who sings it?) I've had it in my head since I woke up...
Memory of the Day June 26th 1999 The day my little(est) sister was born. God she was so small. She's grown up so fast...still growing up so fast. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I have kids. Can't protect them forever you know... *sigh* I love my family. I can't wait (uhhh...Yes I can) until I have my own family (probably a very long ways away). *Wow man! I can't even think one sentance without thinking (ummm) more than one sentance? Hahahah.*

Today I was reading over some of my old enties in the archives. I can't believe how far I've come along (like my mind set) since what happened with Mike. I've recently (within the last few months) realized that he was not as good to me as I thought...I felt like he had "pulled the wool over my eyes" I mean, If you read the first few entries on this website. I was saying how I thought no one could ever treat me better than he did... Jesus Christ what was I thinking!!!! I mean shit! He always took his problems out on me! Yelled at me...I didn't deserve it. but he just wanted power over something, me. Not anymore. I used to think I was never going to get out of that "rut" I was in after he & I broke up...Used to think I was going to hate every guy forever because they were all like him...But , God!, they aren't! and I see that now. I am so much happier now... I feel like I smile a lot more, and I feel good about myself again. I don't feel like every guy is like him anymore...Thank God!
Breathe Deep...

I'm having the best day today. I'm sure I could explain why, but I don't really feel like I need too. you know? I didn't really have anything else to say right now except:

It's beautiful out side today...I wish I was doing something later, maybe I should go hiking or something. It's too great out to sit at home all day *after work*. :) And...Today is just a really good day!

WOW! I just had the coolest date ever! (No, really I think that was the best date I’ve ever been on.) I know I grinned the whole nightlong. I mean that is totally a good thing. You know? *Sigh* I wish Lani would pick up her phone. I want to tell her all about it.

My step dad likes him…my mom likes him. ***I like him***(They really liked it because he introduced himself to them and shook their hand. My step dad said “he looked me right in the eye when he did that, I like that. He’s good”) ~I’ve got the biggest grin right now. :) and I'm sure I sound as giddy (p-wotw) as a high schooler. hahaha.

We went out to eat at The Cheese Cake Factory. I’ve never been there and it was so awesome. And he gave me the coolest gift I’ve ever gotten; I’m seriously going to carry it around with me all day tomorrow so I can show it off. It’s really cool. WANNA SEE??? (3rd picture down)
Then we went and saw Chicago. I had a really great night tonight. Really great…Sleep with Angels and Breathe Deep…

I've got a date, I've got a date, I've got a date. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hehehe, Hmm... My memory of the day: New Years day 2001...Biggest hangover ever! Hmmm, I only get them when I drink and don't get enough sleep. :( I don't think I wanna be a "party" person anymore. It's really not my style. The whole drunk thing, It's really not any fun, you know? (Who's catching on to the fact that I have a Hangover! My first one since New Years 2001. Not cool, not cool at all.) So about the party thing, it's really not me anymore. I'm done with it...I think I'm ready to grow up already. I'm tired of fucking around with my life. *Sigh*
I like beer, I think Bud Light tastes pretty good. But truthfully, I don't think I like being drunk. I think I would like to just have a beer once in a while. you know, relaxing...just for the taste.
Fuck I'm tired. I think I want to get my nails done. I dunno, I've been growing them out (trying) usually they look like guys nails all cut short. but now they are about [] <-that long (eh! a little bit shorter. tiny bit)
So...I'm gonna (hehehe "need you to mover your desk, yeah..." sorry, I watched Office Space, like, two or three times last night.) go now. Later! Breathe Deep...

Oh! And my date is tomorrow at 6! Yay!

Word of the Week: Hyper

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Yay! Yay! Yay! Today was SO AWESOME! (Today being March 6th, not the 7th) Well Jacqui & Brandon were at my house, we went out to breakfast with my parents, then Jacqui, Brandon and I went and got Jen's B-Day gift(s) hehehe. And we went and saw "Cradle 2 the Grave" with Jet Li and DMX. It was fucking great! Lot's of action, it had everything: Robbery, Fighting, Dead people, Evading Cops, Fighting, Being a Dad, Talking to Other bad guys (Tom Arnold) and Fighting, Police Chases (on a Quad)! Fighting. Guns, explosives, Being a dad again, Fighting, Bad guys go Good...the end! Great, it was lots of fun! Then I went to class, and there is this really great (seeming) guy in my class (who's name I won't disclose) that I wanted to talk to...I got there and I was thinking "I'm gonna sit by him"...He wasn't there! NO! So I sit...he came in late. And he sat near me! (Yay!) So of course we talk during breaks. He asked if I had a busy day...you know little 'chit-chat' anyways, 4 hours later class is over...and I'm thinking to my self "go talk to him, ask if he's single" but at the same time I'm like "no, no. I can't....I'm too chicken." So I walk out of the building a few steps in front of him, then we're talking and he says "hey, do you wanna go get a coffee?" (AHHHHHHH!!! Hehehe) enough said... we sat and talked for like 2 hours (oh and he paid!)...Now, he doesn't SEEM like a great guy, he IS a great guy...Anyways, He has my number. 3rd that has asked in two weeks, MAYBE he'll be the first to call…(please, please, please) and I have his number (that is a first) And...He asked if I wanted to hang out this weekend...once again, enough said. YAY! Good night! Breathe Deep...

Well life is doing...okay. I am about to run to the bank and drop off a deposit, and then I'm gonna get W-2's from Mike...yep that's right, "the EX" I'm afraid of seeing him...I know he's changed a lot, Is it change? He’s just different...that's all. I would rather remember him the way he used to be.
After all I've been through, and this might put me right back where I was. I mean...I had my "epiphany” you know…”life will go on, I don’t need him! I’m better off without him” but seeing him? I don’t know…I feel like it’s going to set me back. And I worry about that. I worry about myself when I think about him.
But at the same time, I want to see him. Want to see how much better I am than him…(then I worry that I am not better off than he is) I just want to be strong enough to face my fears…

So! Today is my dad's Birthday...Happy 45th B-Day dad! hehehe...I think I have to write this just because it's never happend before. (I hink Lacey just went outside and puked..weird, how did she know to go out side?) So First off, I never (almost) get my number asked for (or get hit on) and you might be thinking..."not true, it's happend twice in the last two weeks" but, they never follow through...the last one didn't...this one probably won't. Well here is what I was gonna say. When we went out for dinner tonight, this guy was totally checking me out. Then he came up to my (family's) table when we got seated and I talked to him for a few minutes. He's nice...he told me i was beautiful. I have never seen a guy have enough guts to come up and talk to a girl in front of her family. It was cool.

Wow, I can't believe it's Friday already, On Thursday I went to Rodeo, New Mexico. There is a wolf sanctuary there called Wolf Song and I got to hang out with wolves for a few hours, I even got kisses from wolves. They were so beautiful. I got to see wolf cubs too. They were so awesome. There was one wolf called "Chico" he would be so much taller than me if he stood on his back legs.
This morning I got up early and went horse back riding at Ft. Hauchua (i think that's how you spell it) my horses name was/is "Diablo"...hehe "Devil". He was a big horse. I got of good picture of the two of us together. It was only $20 for two hours...I want to go get a job at a horse stable now. I love horses. I want one so bad. *sigh* wishful thinking...

know what....I LOVE RAIN!!!!!!!! I can't wait to go to Hawaii...so much water all areound me and RAIN (more than 4x's a year! heheh) It's so beautiful when it rains, it's really just georgous. No doubt about it.
So let'd face the truth now...he's not gonna call, it's been 3 days (not counting Saturday night) and he's defiently not gonna call. It's all good though. I don't mind.

Song of the day: "She's My Kind of Rain" by Tim McGraw

*sigh* well, Life is good. For some reason I can't stop smiling today. It's like I'll be driving along and all of a sudden I get this huge grin on my face. "Why?" you may ask...Well I don't know. If you read my last "blog" you may be thinking "oh, that guy probably called her..." Actually, NO, he didn't and to tell the truth I'm not sure if he is going to. See the way I figure it, if he doesn't call today then he probably isn't going to call. Know what though, it's no big deal.
So I still don't understand why I'm so happy today, but I am and that's all that matters.

Word/Phrase of the Week: Insane/ "It was INSANE!"
AHHHHHHHH!!!! I can't explain my head really... I feel so good right now. I haven't even thought about guys since Thusday night. That night I finally got to the point in my head where I was like, "You know what, I don't need a boyfriend. I'm okay on my own and I'll be okay on my own."
It took me a long time to come to that decision...but I reached it. And I just smiled, you know? It's weird the way the world works, the second I stop looking for a guy... Happens to be in the same minute a guy starts looking for me. I'm not saying anything big...but One little thing happend in all of my "maddness" today, and I totally didn't expect it... What could this "one little thing" be? first let me explain myself: I haven't had a guy approach me and "hit" on me in...(to tell the truth I don't know) Then only way I ever get guys is if my friends set me up with them, which kinda sucks. But, it's my way of life (hehehe)...SO I got asked for my number tonight, and I'm sure there are a few people reading this like "not cool, not cool at all" but it's such a BIG self-esteem booster! I'm tired of being "set-up" with guys by my friends...I mean don't guys understand that they are supposed to ask girls for thier #'s or hit on the girls? A lot of guys "now-a-days" are scared, I don't know why (what's up with that?!?)...so, yeah this guy was (is) really cute...and it totally made my day for that to happen. Crystal probably thought I was on crack when I called her after I left. Just wait until (if) he calls me, then she'll really think I'm on crack when I call her.

yesterday when I woke up I felt so good. I felt like I wanted to smile and Like every thing was gonna be fine... I was gonna get over it, and I was gonna be happy, and that someone out there was gonna love me and when I found it...it would be real and it would be forever...I wanted to smile when I woke up yesterday.

Today, I'm not even sure if I woke up...I hurt and I feel like it's gonna go on forever. My own private hell. My mind is so burred right now. I feel so numb and blank. I hate feeling like this, it's like... "what's the point?"

Michael just called me...I wanna cry. Today was so good when I woke up I felt like I was gonna make it and I felt like I was gonna be okay...I dont feel like that anymore, God I hurt so much right now. I wanna die, that's how much I hurt. I feel like that would be so much easier... Why is this happening to me? What did I do so wrong!? Nothing! I gave him everything I EVER had, and he tore me to shreds...What did I do to deserve this.
Right now I just wanna curl up and sleep forever, but even in my dreams this haunts me...yeah "just somehting I have to breathe through" I didn't even know it was him when I picked up the phone, Then I realized...Michael...My heart dropped, My voice went shaky...
I wasn't even sure what to say, like I had all these things in my head that I could have said, but I couldn't even open my mouth to say them, and when I did nothing came out....I felt so good this morning...What happend?

So, we all know that "There's no such thing as 'What might have been?'" right? SO why is it so hard to forget the past? That's all I want to know.
I mean shit! (For those of you who don't know the story) it's been almost six months, and I still look back at that night and think, "What if I would have just stayed there? What if I didn't try to go home?" I shouldn't think like that. It was his fault not mine! So why does it hurt me so much?
So, Yeah, Life's not fair (or easy) we all know that. But you'd think that I would at least get it a little bit easier than Michael, I mean he caused this! I didn't do shit to him! I didn't even get my hit in. But he did everything he tried to do that night. Now I'm the one left damaged and broken...He's doing fine and dandy... I'm beginning to think that he didn't really love me, maybe he doesn't know what love is…Or maybe he's so desperate to find it that he thinks he finds it in everyone. He tells his new girlfriend how much he loves her. It's been three months, and he loves her! Almost six months since we were over and he already loves someone else... So I thought about that, He told me he loved me after three weeks when we started going out...I remember that moment too... We were laying in my bedroom at the Olive house, laying there with my head on his chest, just holding each other. And he said "how long do you think it takes to fall in love?" I dunno...why? "Because, I think I love you." Don't say it unless you mean it... I didn't tell him I loved him for like two weeks after that, Every time he'd say "I love you" I would just reply, "I don't know yet" and then one day I did. It's just a blur now... How did three years go by so fast? I wanna scream, and cry!!! instead I just sit here and think of how it all went wrong, and worry that I'll never have that again. I feel like I'm FUCKING psychotic!!!!!! I just wanna let go... I wanna live my life, for the last six months I've felt like I'm just going through the motions, not even getting things done...not even going anywhere. Just going through the motions. I wanna live, I wanna move! I wanna get things done. I wanna grow up and forget him! I wanna stop feeling like a little kid, and just grow. Forget Mike and get better! I wanna fall in love again, and get married and have kids... but I feel like it's never gonna come, Like I'm gonna be stuck in this "I'm scared of being HURT!" rut (that I've been in for the last six months) forever. I don't want that, I don't want to be scared forever...
I can't believe what he said to me on the phone yesterday...

Well I just TRIED to set up DSL in my moms office, and I talked to Matt on the phone! Yay! Crystal and Pat and Matt are coming down to Phoenix!!!!!! I am so excited. I miss them so much. Well I have to take a disk back to my dads house as soon as my "boss" gets here. AndI need gas in my car + money for this weekend. :) Yay!!! I can't believe it's Thursday already!
Oh the DSL thing I have to wait for her to give me some info on our ISP then I have to figure out the phones. STUPID phones.

Grrr!!! Stupid haloscan. it's not working correctly (actually not working at all) I would ask if anyone knew how to fix it but you can't comment so I wouldn't find out anyway. Grrrr!!! Well I am gonna set up my moms DSL for her office now.
Oh, Oh! It's working again! Woohoo! I don't know what happened, but it's better now. :)

I think today has been one of the slowest days in my life...Is that bad? No not totally. I've been trying to think of things to write. I talked to Crystal and Matt last night and both of them offered to be my "shrink"(s) because I told them I think I'm psychotic. There is a long story behind that too, and if anyone is interested in it I will gladly tell you if you e-mail me… (jur311@hotmail.com) “The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem” right? So anyway, I spent a total of two hours on the phone last night. I haven’t talked on the phone that long in forever. But it was really nice. I like the attention, I think sometimes all I need is a phone call and someone to talk to me. Ugh I’m bored. I’ll write more when I have more to write about. :-)

I started working on saturday, then I went to Tucson yesterday. I can't really say anything "exciting" is going on...same old, same old... I really miss Colorado. :( I wish I could have gotten a job, but know what, Hawaii is gonna freakin' ROCK!!! I can't wait until Crystal is there with me (yeah, and pat too) hehehe. And then Matt is gonna come visit. Hell yeah, It's gonna rock. But for the moment, I have a head ache and I think I am getting sick. I'm probably gonna go home and sleep after work. I don't want to get sick. Oh, And I'm gonna e-mail Crystal. Later.

Well I made it safely back to Phoenix...it's actually kinda nice to be here. Maybe it's just that I don't have the stress of having to look for a job (because here, I already have one), I dunno. I got to see April, Caralynne, and Briana today so that was pretty cool. I got to my dad's house around 3:30pm. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (driving from Colorado to Phoenix) It was kinda cool to go stay in a hotel too. I've never stayed in one alone, and I admit it...I had to sleep with the bathroom light on, (because I am afraid of the dark in unfamiliar places) Also, I don't like eating alone (in restraunts) it was totally depressing for me, but that could be due to a lot of things. I dunno. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, Bye guys.

It’s been quite a long time since I wrote on here at all. I barely get on the Internet long enough to check my e-mail anymore. I don’t know why… so, what’s going on in my life? Well, Still no jobs out here in Colorado. Really depressing, I think I’ll just try again later, maybe in a year or so. But for now I’m going to head back to Arizona and work for my mom during tax season…any one need their taxes done? After Tax season is over (April 15th) I am gonna try to go to Hawaii for about a year and just…live.
I don’t really feel like I have much going on to write about. Usually I would have tons to write about. Christina was here the 17th- 21st of January. That was totally wicked. Matt, Pat, Crystal, Christina and I went out to go sledding (we took a blow up raft to sled in) last Saturday (the 18th) found one totally wicked hill that wasn’t right next to the freakin’ road. SO we all piled out of Matt’s car and blew up the raft (it has a foot pump). And while we were doing that there was a thought that the flat part at the bottom of the hill was water (ice) with snow on top. Anyway, Matt and I headed to the hill first. The first part of the snow was about knee deep (higher at some parts) then it was no more than an inch or two deep on the flat part. So we were walking to the hill and we get near the end of the flat part and start into snowdrifts again. My first step went about shin deep and I looked at Matt and I was like “whoa, I think my foot is wet” it felt soaked and frozen…yep, I had stepped straight thorough the ice! By then Crystal, Christina and Pat are right with us, and we’re like “F%&@ this! Lets go back. So we all head back across the flat part to the car and Crystals like “I can hear it cracking” and we’re like “shit!” so we start to spread out because every step we took you could hear the ice crack under out feet, and basically we ran back to the car deflated the raft and we ended up at the hot springs half way to Grand Junction. Afterwards we had dinner at Village Inn (which is the Denny’s of Colorado, because they are all over and I can’t even remember seeing one Denny’s) and headed back to Good ol’ Broomfield (we didn’t get back until 2am on Sunday morning, but it was totally an awesome trip.
Sunday we went to the Red Rocks, which was pretty cool it’s like an amphitheater (is that spelled right) in the rocks. There were tons of stairs there too. It was great we walked up the stairs and on the way down we slid on the railing. It was awesome.
Anyways, nothing going on now, before I leave Colorado I am going to go take a picture of this wicked waterfall that we saw up in the mountains…Oh! And last Saturday I saw a real live buffalo herd. It was awesome! Anyways…Later!

Well, I haven't written much at all!!! Yesterday was weird. Crystal and I went out toeat and part of the bill was 15.55. Crazy huh!?! It's all about 5's lately. I have someting really cool to put on the picture side of the site "Nothing Yet" but I have to get the pictures developed first. I'll tell you guys when it's up. You'll love it I'm sure...aren't you just fiendin' for it now? hehehe.
Anyways...not much going on lately. I heard that Van's Skate Park is hiring... I hope they call me...please please please!
Joe's keys' don't work too good, so I'm gonna go. (that's where I am now. Joe's house... Joe is Pat's Cousin...Pat is Crystal's Boyfriend.) Later All. I love you Lani! :) Bye

my throat hurts! I think I'm getting sick. :( Crystal and I had a sleep over last night! hehehe. She snores WAY too loud. hahhaha.

Today is the 5th! it's my number, 'cuz I'm 5 (@5.7.9@) and I talked on the phone to Lani today and half an hour after I got of the phone with her I looked to see how long we talked and it was 55:55! Isn't that freakin' Crazy?!? anyways...Later!

yeah, that movie was weird! (Clockwork Orange) tonight we are gonna watch another movie :) ( Moulin Rouge) I've seen it before but Crystal hasn't, so we rented it. It's cool, I think my favorite part is when they sing. :) I told Crystal that the next movie we rent should train spotting. It was a weird movie, good (and at some parts funny ~in a kinda Gross way~) but very weird.
Pat and Matt are cooking for us right now. Last night Crystal and I made the BEST spaghetti, we did the sauce on our own too, not the out of the jar stuff, and the bread turned out freakin awesome! We made our own garlic bread! All we did was buy a loaf of fresh bread. It was so yummy! And we sat at the table like a "civilized family" hehehhe, it was fun! All right I'm gonna go hang out in the other room! Bu-Bye! :) :-p

Hey what's up? not much here. I'm writing this like a note. :) anyways today is (was) good. I talked to my dad on the phone and when we hung up he said "I love you" I always wanna cry when he says stuff like that. I love him so much. Anyways I had a big long talk with crystal tonight. for like an hour and a half, it didn't feel like that long. she's definetly my best friend in the wide world. I seriously love her like a sister. My Big sis (huh 7?) anyways we are gonna go watch a fucked up movie (clock work Orange) Later. Lani I miss you, call me when you get your cell. And STINA is coming !!!!! YAYAYAYAYYAY!!!!!

I love living here with her because it's like we can have "girl talk" anytime. She's always there for me. I love you man!

Holy iSht! I can't believe it's 2003! I know I'm gonna fuck it up when I write on papers...I'll probably still write 2002. Last night was cool I got FUCKED up!....yeah I was pretty wasted. Good way to ring in the New Year. And lucky me NO hangover! woohooo! Crystal & I are gonna make Laulau (Yummy!) tonight...or try. :) okay we are going to the store...the Oriental store. Bu-bye!