Lani, do you ever read these?

I miss you so much... I just want you to come home.

I love you...

Not that I have one but it's about time I put something funny up here.

Your Penis Name is: 100% All-beef Thermometer

Get your own Penis Name

Especially because it's Thanksgiving, I think everyone should take a moment and visit this webpage to HONOR THE FALLEN

I have a lot to be thankful for.

MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...

But most of all My freedom.

Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.

I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.


I miss you guys. Please be safe.

I can't explain the feeling in my heart every time I read the Hawaii Paper and it says "Kane'ohe Marine Died" I'm so scared, so scared, and I just want them to be okay. Whether its the guys I hung out with in 1/3 or the when the day comes that 3/3 is in the paper. I never wanna read one of their names.

Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?

Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...

Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.

One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)

Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey

I don't live in Hawai'i anymore, but it's pretty much the only newspaper I read. Sometimes I'm scared of what I'll see on their headlines. All my friends from Hawaii that are in the Marine Corps are either in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Kuwait. I know the guys from 1/3 are in Fallujah... And 3/3... Killer Kilo huh? Afghanistan, and I dont even know where there. I love those boys like brothers, and I just want Ollie to be safe.

Every day I read that paper and I'm scared that one day I'll see a name I know on this list...
Hawai'i-based Marines killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Jeremy D. Bow
Lance Cpl. David M. Branning
Lance Cpl. John T. Byrd II
Lance Cpl. Travis A. Fox
Pfc. John Lukac
Cpl. Christopher J. Lapka
Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina
Sgt. Rafael Peralta
Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering
Lance Cpl. Andrew G. Riedel
Lance Cpl. Michael P. Scarborough
Lance Cpl. Richard P. Slocum
Petty Officer Julian Woods

Please be safe guys. I wish with all my heart that I could hold Ollie again and just tell him everything I never told him...Baby you have to be safe and come home soon...

Don't be a hero

I think the hardest part about today is not knowing. I don't know when I will see Oliver again, or hear his voice again. Will he come back home, will he come back to me. The uncertainty of our future drives me insane. And I'm never strong enough to ask questions. Soon it will be too late.

It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.

I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.

I'm so exhausted.

Had a Fantastic dinner tonight!

Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.

I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)

I love you babe...

Today was the hardest day for me in about Two years. I remember when I was 19, thinking how stong I was. Before I'd turned 20 I learned that I wasn't as strong as I had thought. And today I am back to that. Learning my weaknesses again.

Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.

I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?

I have so many Unanswered questions.

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I... Had a bad day again."


And I swear there's nothing wrong...
But you'll hear me play that same old song,
I'll put you off and put you on.

15days, 22hours, 58minutes.

Had today off...
Sad when the highlight of my day off is waking up to eat a sandwich. Where is everyone at anymore?

"Days go by... Feels like my hand out the window as the cars drive by...

Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.

Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.

(Partially from my e-mail to 7 so I can save time & be lazy! hehehe!)

This weekend would take me forever to write no matter how fast I can type. SO I'll leave it here. Got off work at Midnight Friday Stina and Bitch were waiting out side. I was gonna go to Tucson right after work but didn't end up on the road until 7am on Saturday. I made it safely around 945am. For the Most part Saturday was a disappointment. Rain Saturday afternoon was nice though. And I couldn't leave Sunday because of the rain. So, I got to hang out with the Fire Fighter that I'd met (and hung out with) before. I like hanging out with him and his FF buddies because it really helps me out with my attitude about trying to get on. The more I hang with them the more I wanna get back in with the testing process. Jo ignored me a lot (Saturday mostly). Jes has always been awesome though and we watched a lot of movies together. Drove up to the Mountains twice (once with Jes & once with Chad *the FF*). Came home Monday Afternoon. Worked. I love working there. Um...Got to see Stina when I got off work (she was waiting by my car again). Got my phone turned back on today. Hung out With Melissa (we ate at The OG). Then hung out with Stina. And now, it's now!

Well I did my first serving shift yesterday. :) I had two tables in my section, and I think I ended up having Five tables total (at lunch)...Yep, Five tables. What do you know, it's my number, I just realized that. Well I made $29 in tips. Not bad for a lunch shift, and especially since that was off Five tables. I tipped out $4 total so I ended up with $25. Not bad huh? I'm happy. Today I work at 3pm, until... Who knows. I'm super happy though. It's a dinner shift and I'll get two tables again. Hopefully I'll made at least 50. That would be SWEET! Then I can pay part of my phone bill. Ugh I hate being broke. Oh! And I get dinner shifts Thursday & Friday too! So hopefully I'll be able to go to Tucson on Friday night since I don't work Saturday (Boo-Yah!)
I miss Lani. :)
Oh...Things I miss... The Beach, Nani, "The Guys", The E-Club, The Rain, "My Barracks", and (believe it or not) The Ki's.
I'm sure I'll see them all again soon. And I'll kick Robbins ass if he doesn't come see me. He Promised!

It's Friday morning now. Wow, this week has gone by so fast. I almost feel like I'm still stuck on last week. Like I should be headed out to Prescott tomorrow and waiting for a call back from The OG. But no, that stuff already happened. Today (in a few hours) is my third day in training. I love it! The people are awesome, and I'm excited to be a server. Really freakin nervous though. I've never served before...BUT they are doing awesome to teach me so far.
I got to see Lani today (technically last night since its Friday now) I miss my baby sister. I'm happy for her though. She's doing well for herself. Nick and her have a great apartment. And Nick is an awesome cook!
Drove home at 0330, got home at 0500, talked to Nani for about half an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I"m afraid to sleep, because I have to be at work by 0900. I don't wanna end up sleeping though my alarm. So I figure I'll suck it up for another hour and a half then its time to get ready & eat breakfast. And I'll just be tired through out the day. But the days have been flying by. So 1600 should be here before I know it. Less than 12 hours already... Doesn't sound so bad. Then I can nap after work. A little bit of suffering never killed anyone (or did it?) hahaha.

Oh yeah! Got a kitten. Fidelis. she's a crazy one, that's for sure.

I decided I was going to bed early tonight. I guess 630pm is too early. But I didn't have anything better to do.
So I fell asleep listening to music.
Then I had this dream.
I was on a bus in Italy with Oliver, and he said something mean to me, so I slapped him. Then he tried to get off the bus that we were on. I freaked out because I didn't wanna be alone in this foreign country. Then we're passing this town that is supposed to be really historic and really special. So we get off the bus.
Next thing I know I'm at the airport with Nani. (my impression of this airport was that I was in America, though it looked like no airport I've ever been to.) So she's getting on this plane, and all I wanna do is cry. I don't know where she's going. Then I'm driving on a freeway. ( Looks Kinda like the I-17 coming from Flagstaff to Phoenix. Steep and really curvy though) Even though no one is in the car with me I've been dared to go 70mph at the turn ahead. So I gas it...
Next thing I know I'm awake. Eyes wide open and heart pounding so hear it's hurting my neck. I lay there for a second. Waiting for my heart to calm. It takes a minute or so, then I look around. When I first looked around (right then) I was so confused. What am I doing here? I kinda feel like that every day that I've been home.

What am I doing here?

Ignorant people piss me off.

I started off having a horrible day. And no one seemed to care. Stina came over, we went to Olive Garden so I could apply. Then when we came back the UPS man delivered my new phone. Totally helped my day get better. Ran around did errans. Went and ate at Big Heng (Memories of my Little Bro, and Johannes). Came home, and now that I'm sitting here alone (again) I'm not having such a great day (again).

Seems to me, that it is much harder for me to deal with lonliness than anything, it makes the distance a lot harder.

anyways, as I said... I'm very irritated by ignorance right now.
I probably won't remember why tomorrow.
But, That's okay. I'd probably get PO'd again if I can remember tomorrow.

That's all for now.

For some reason I feel like making a list of my fears (things I'm afraid of), so here goes. in no particular order.

My Fears:
1. The dark.
2. Being alone at night.
3. Heights.
4. Making an ass of myself infront of people.
5. Car accidents.
6. People I love dying.
7. What people think of me.
8. Growing up alone.
9. Sharks.
10. Dogs I don't know.
11. Walking alone in the woods.
12. Swimming in murky water.
13. Being cheated on.
14. Ghosts (if they exist).
15. Aliens (if they exist).
16. Bad people.
17. Not getting to do things I want in my lifetime
18. Telling people how I feel.
19. Wars.
20. Roaches.
21. Not Dying, but HOW I'll die.
22. My Weaknesses.

Well, I think that's it for now...
I'm sure I'll think of more. I'll just add them in later. If I do.

Just another day here in Arizona. Another second, minute, hour...

Time is passing by, and I'm at this stand still. I feel like I'm standing in a river, and the water that is flowing past me, around me, is time. Where am I going? What am I doing?

John left today. My "Little Bro". I didn't get to say goodbye, I never even got to say hello when I came back. Everyone has their own lives now. And I'm still here. Getting lonlier as the seconds, minutes, and hours go by...

I don't even know what I'm thinking, or what to feel. I'm going crazy. And no one understands.

I want him so bad, and I can't even say what I want. or how I feel...

I'm Broken right now... Hawk is going too... And the one thing I meant to do today,that I didn't do, It's Stephen's Birthday (the "26th" even though its 3am now, it's still the 26th for me) I was gonna call him but I didn't.

Fuck Afghanistan, and FUCK this war!!!!!!!!!!! I give every member of the military that has gone (and is going) EVERYTHING in me that is respect or pride... I'd give them anything. But Dear GOD, I just want you guys to come home.

Come home safe, and come home now.

I feel like a five year old.

You know how when your parents would drop you off at the babysitters, and you'd cry and try to cling to them like it was going to keep them from ever leaving you...

Everyone I know here has a life, I used to have one too. But now I don't and they all still do. I don't like being alone right now. It hurts me enough that I can't be with Oliver. And I'll see them (my friends) but when it comes down to it, they all have to get back to their lives, and I am left alone... Again. And I want so bad to beg them not to go. Not to leave me alone, because I can't handle it right now, and I hurt too much to sit by myself and cry. Because that is all I do when I'm alone and I start thinking about how far away he is, or how long it will be before I can see him again. I just cry. And I can't not think about him, because everything I see and everything I do reminds me of him. But I never ask them to stay. I never ask anyone to stay.

Well, I'm home now...
It's weird to be home. It almost feels like I never left, but then I have all these memories. It hurts so much. I'll be fine and then a moment will hit me where I just start tearing up. I don't feel like I belong here.
I don't know where I belong.

I fell asleep listening to the rain last night, I think of him constantly and neither one of us is gone yet.
There is so little time that we have left together.
I pray that I'll be able to go see him when he has leave. But I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't get that chance.
I don't know what I expect out of the next year of my life. I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going ot need my family and friends to help me out. I don't know if they know that though.

It's our song... Fade To Black

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell i feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try.

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.

God...
I know I'll shatter

I went to the beach today (Extreme Beer Drinking) & I feel good right now... Earlier I was having a totally bad night. I've never had anyone throw my shit off a balcony. That's like stuff out of the movies. It wasn't Oliver. His room mate did it. I was so fucking hurt and pissed off when I realized it too. He threw my jeans, my underwear and my bra off third deck. I come out of the shower, hurt because he was yelling at me through the door, and no clothes to put on. I was pissed. Anyways I talked to him about it later. HE Had a bad day and someone else had pissed him off so when he came up to their room and the door was locked he snapped. I understand.
This weekend was (overall) good, crazy, but good. My arm hurts. I'm tired and I have to work in 5 hours, so I gotta be awake in 4. I NEED sleep. Today I made some CD's to play in the Jeep when I get home. All I wanted earlier tonight was home.
Caralynne's First day at kindergarten is today (the 9th), and earlier (yesterday the 8th) was the first time she swam without floaties. :) I wish I could have been there. I miss home...

I started to write yesterday, but I think I was already drinking when I did. Anyways, I ended up getting really drunk (drank for like 12 hours straight). So basically I got drunk, along with some other people, and talk about freaking drama! What is it with these guys since they came back from Australia? A bunch of stupid-heads! Anyways, people got belligerent. The OOD came by and other people shattered. Ugh! I hate seeing these guys like that.

So not much going on today. Went to sleep around 0630, and woke up at 1230. Still Fucking DRUNK! so everyone take a wild guess at what I did when I got out of bed....
That's right, I started drinking again! Hahahah! Cause I'm an alcoholic! I dunno, not really. Last weekend my mom says "Jonya, do you think you might have a problem?" I say I don't think so...I'd hate to see me if I did (by my standards) have a problem.

I'm not quite sure what I thought this weekend was going to be like. You know, his first weekend back. There were all these things we talked about on the phone that we were gonna do when he came back.
Only thing we actually did was sit out and BBQ. WE weren't even supposed to BBQ here, we were gonna go to Bellows and do it, like abunch of us. Supposedly that is going to happen next weekend.
I'm freakin exhausted right now. I wanna just pass out

There are always things I want to say to him...but I never do. Like we'll be laying there ~my head on his chest, I've never been as comforted by anything in my life as much as I am comforted by the sound of his heart beat.~ I just want to ask him if he loves me as much as I love him. I know he doesn't. I want to ask why it feels like he's pushing me away.

I know he leaves in a month. I know what he is leaving to. I am afraid. I'm not going to give up on "Us" just because he's going.

He's going for a good cause huh?
Hmmm... America (there are so many things that come through my head when I think about this subject, so I will pick just one) Land of the Free... Yeah, I can make my own choices. I fell for him. Is that really a choice? I think not. Maybe partially free. I am constantly affected by the choices of others. That is how this free thing works, right? So, free...but not free. The way I feel when I think about him leaving, I feel like a caged bird. Like I'm suffocating.
Sacrifices...
So right now freedom feels like a pillow over my face.
Something good has to come from this.
I know I am privleged to live where I live.
This is why. People before me made sacrifices.
I understand.


Courage is not the lack of fear, but the presence of fear, yet the will to move on...

~Nothing...and yet Everything~
I can't explain the thoughts that are going through my head. *song of the moment: "Whiskey Lullaby" Brad Paisley & Allison Krauss*
I'm so scared of next month. I'm Afraid of Oliver leaving. And i know how I'll feel if somehting happends to him while he is gone. Combat. I know what possibilities are there, and I think about it so much...
I wish now that I was more ignorant, clueless or even stupid. Because this, what could happen, knowledge is killing me inside.

"years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away a little at a time. But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind. Until the night, she put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away his memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees. We found her with her face down in a pillow clinging to his picture for dear life, we laid her next to him beneath the willow while the angels sang a whiskey lullaby..."

I'm so scared.
I think about how things are going to be back home. How things are going to be when I can't hold him while I sleep, kiss him when I wake up, I won't be able to just sit next to him, watch movies with him, BBQ, Halo, naps, phone calls. Just him in letters...thats all I'll get.

God...I must be dreaming. This can't be happening to me. "We found him with his face down in a pillow, with a note that said I'll Love her til I Die..."
No, this can't be my life.

Why?

YAY! he's back. I'm happy, and at the same time I'm shattered. In August he'll be leaving. I love him so much and I won't be able to see him in (at the least 6-7 months) about a year.

People never really understand what it's like being with a military guy until it happends to them.

So, Tomorrow is the day. I'm so happy. I hope I work the front counter again tomorrow because the day goes by so freakin' fast! This morning I had to work at 05:00, and when I was getting there I could see a bunch of Australians getting on a bus, and one walked past me and I go "you guys are leaving?" and he says "yep. We're heading out now." YAY!!!!!!!!!! The sooner they get home the sooner Oliver will be home. Less than 24 hours now. :) Oh Yay! Yay! YAY!!!!
I'm so happy. I wanted to jump up and down after I got off work because it will be one more shift there before I can see him. Oh I miss him so much. And, God, I love him more than anything. I can't wait to be able to hug him, and kiss him and fall asleep next to him... The whole time he's been gone I haven't been sleeping well. You'd think after a month and a half I would "adapt & overcome" but no. The closer it gets to him coming home the harder it is for me to sleep. I havent had a full night sleep in ages. The closest I came was Saturday night when I got really shit-faced and passed out. I was told that someone laid on me and I didn't even flinch. Even then that night I only slept for about 6.5 hours.
I can feel the lack of sleep killing my body. Especially this last few days. I dont think (besides Saturday night) that in the last week I've averaged more than 3.5 hours/night. and now I'm getting sick. It's wreaking havoc on me. :( I'm gonna try to take a nap though. Maybe it'll help.
YAY!!!!!!!! TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhhh. It's Sunday, and this is going to be the best week of my life. Oliver comes home Wednesday. I can't wait! and I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off! Woohoo! I'm sure he'll sleep or somehting while I work on Thursday. But I get to be with him for like 4 days straight (except for during work Thursday!) Hahaha, I should just call in that day. ;-) or for part of it. Maybe if I tell them soon enough I can get out of part of it or something.
 
Think so?

I'm still dealing with the fact that he's gonna be gone. It's so hard on me to think not just that I won't be near him for at least 6-7 months (possibly more), I keep thinking that he's infantry... I don't know how things are going over there (Iraq & Afghanistan) All I know is that once in a while I hear about people dying. I hear about Marines dying. Not as much as in wars before, but is this even a war? I mean, like do we say we're in war? I don't think so. I feel so ignorant.
 
I've lived in this country my whole life, and all it's taught me is ignorance. I think that is what's wrong with America. We're so self involved that until something happens to us we never even think about everyone else out there. Yeah, I think about my family, my friends, people out on the streets that might need my help (because that is what I want my job to be *FireFighter*) I used to want to join the military. For many reasons:
1. I wanted my Father to be Proud of me
2. I wanted to do something for my country
3. I wanted to prove something...That I could make it.
I never (before 9/11) thought that there were people in the world that hated Americans, I thought that was a thing of the past. My Ignorance. And when shit started going down, I thought of how bad I felt for those people who were losing a part of their family to go and fight this "war", this "war" that I never hear on the news about unless they are shipping more military over, bringing some military back, Some other country is pulling out, or someone has died. And for awhile I was fine with that being all I heard. But now...Now it involves someone I Love. Now it involves someone that I don't want to spend the rest of my life without. So now it involves me, and now I care. Go figure huh?

Last night I got some of the worst news of my life...It is most definetly ranked in the top 5. Although I am not sure what position I would put it at, the fact that it is (has started) happening right now makes it seem much worse that any of the other four, only because I have already dealt with the others and made it though, and if anything came out of those other four I might be a stronger person...but those other things made me who I am. In no particular order the other four were:
#1} When I got the call about Joanna being in the hospital.
#2} My parents getting separated(and eventually divorced).
#3} The call saying the cat I'd had since I was 3 was within her last few hours of life.
#4} Finding out I would need surgery on my Achillies tendon. 

So this new "news" to me? The love of my life...The man I would do anything for and give up everything for... mein alles... Is going to be sent to a combat zone.

My initial reaction to the phone call telling me this? Desperation. Derived from fear. I cried. I thought "why? why is this happening to me. Damn the Marine Corps! Damn this stupid 'war'. And Damn ME for thinking that my marine was not going to be sent away!"
My heart hurts so much. I cried for what seemed like hours but was not truly that much. Every minute that I am not near him seems like hours, hours seem like days, and so on through time.
With a little help from my mother I was able to slightly calm down. She's a smart woman and gives good advice. There are many reasons why I live my mother and this is one of them, but it will not stop me from hurting. It will, though, help me to understand why I must hurt.

I love Oliver. That was my choice. It was his choice that he joined the Marine Corps, and he is happy to finally be doing what he signed up to do. As much as it hurts me I must be happy for him and strong for him. My being unhappy will not stop him from going, it will only increase my misery and his also, and he doesn't need that. I should enjoy what time is left before he goes, so that is what I will try to do.
"The pain, it seems, will never end..."

I'd like to start writing more. Not that I ever have much to say, but it's nice to think that maybe someone is listening.
I have blisters on my feet from walking so much in the last few days. Since monday I've walked about 10 miles. Monday was around 2.5, Tuesday was about 5, and Today was again around 2.5. All this after being on my feet all day.  Oh woe is me. I feel like bitching right now just because I'm so exhusted, but when I try to sleep I can't. I'm usually a light sleeper, but since Sunday night it's been re-god Damn-diculous! on average I've gotten about 3-4 hours a night. and my body is starting to feel it.  I actually like the walking though. I like the time alone to think my own thoughts, and today I ran a little bit of the walk to.  I always liked that feeling, like when I wrestled, and I'd be so sore but coach made us push.  The burning feeling. *sigh* (bear crawls).
I talked to Scott today. Man talk about memories, I've known that kid for 5 years... has it really gone by that fast? It seems like yesterday we were competing to be the better distance swimmer on the team. Talked for an hour and 45 minutes, guess times haven't changed that much. I told him about whats happend in my life since I last saw him, how Jo's been doing (i think he always had a thing for her, everyone did), told him about Oliver and how much I love him (oliver), and we talked about people from high school, and one-hundred and eight!. No one ever understood us for that.  "bist Du neu?" we'd say to them. Hahaha! I wish he'd had a better day and that his girlfriend wasn't such a bitch.  I miss ya Scott.

One month exactly since I've written. It is a pity I don't write more. 
Oliver will be home from Australia within a week.  I cannot express on this page how glad I will be (in so many different ways) that he will be near me again.  I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cursed the Marine Corps for having taken him away from me and put him in another country for SIX damn weeks. 
As there have been many times in my life where I have thought of enlisting, this is not one of them. And the time that he has been gone has made me realize that I would not enlist under any of the following circumstances:
A) I was not completely single.
B) It was any other service that the best, if you know me you know the answer to this.
C) I had a job that I wanted.

I am not saying that good things have not come from this (his being gone).  I know now, more than ever, that I truly love him.  People say "distance make the heart grow fonder" I'm not sure it's that it make it grow fonder. It's just that once you are not able to see someone or hold someone, or even call someone you realize exactly how much you care about them.  I already knew how much I cared about him, I just couldn't express it. I think it might have been that I was too afraid. I still am afraid, but I'm not afraid to express it now.

Things were different with people I loved before.  Stephen (no offense to him) was puppy love. I was 14-15 years old at the time, I see that now.  Michael was (and is) someone I truly cared about. love? I remember thinking (the day he told me he loved me) that he didn't know what he was talking about.  We'd been dating for about 3 weeks at the time.  I was 16 and so was he.  I did not immediately tell him that I also loved him. I thought about it for awhile and eventually I felt like "yes, I do love him".  My justification for this feeling was "he is someone I want to have in my life, for the rest of my life".  And then there is Oliver. The first time he told me he loved me I thought "could he really care about me as much as I care about him?" I did love him, and at that time I loved him the same way I loved Michael.  Someone I wanted in my life for the rest of it.  But time has gone by, and things have happened that have helped me realize exactly how I loved him and why. He is not just someone I want in my life for the rest of it, he's someone I want to be with for the rest of it.

Some people might think there is something wrong with me for saying that. I don't.
yeah, forever big word huh? But if you read the definition of forever     n : time without end ...
Wow.
Really no one knows what forever is.
Forever could be tomorrow.

I miss Oliver so much. :( He's been gone for a week already. Australia is pretty far away and I haven't gotten a call from him yet. That makes me sad. The last time I got to see him was June 13th, and now it's the 21st. I cried so much the weekend he left.

I wonder how bad I will feel when He goes to Okinawa. 6 months is So long. (If anyone is reading this, I'd wait for this guy as long as he asked me to...just so you know)

Other than this "loneliness" I do have more going on in my life. I got a new job. :) $900/2 weeks! Yay! I miss home though. And I miss my family a lot. I hope I get to go home sometime to visit. I really want to.

It has been forever since I'd last written in here. Tomorrow would be a month without writing. I feel so computer illiterate anymore. I hate not having a computer! Well since I had written last not much has happened...I did get jumped about two weeks ago...woo hoo! *sarcasm* Then My boyfriend and I broke up about a week and a half ago, got back together 5 days later and he is treating me much better now. :) other than that...My mom came to hawaii to visit me for a week. She actually came to see my cousin graduate from High School, but spen most of the week wit me. :) I love my mom...

Wow! I never write anymore....
I'm finally 21!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! And I've had a boyfriend for like 2 months now. It's cool.

so a guy walks in and says "12 hours into Libo and Kilo company already got recalled." yep. Hahaha, I'm sure they are all so happy to have to be in formation right now. :-) while I can sit back and do, ummm, this! Hahaha. I'll write later.

Once again I am out at kaneohe... My Boyfriend Is wrestling on the floor with his friend and I'm on my sixth beer. hahaha. I miss Shannon and the kids. God, I love them. People out here are crazy. I love it! hahhaa. Stina was pissed at me earlier, but it's cool now. Damn I can't type now. hahaha. Fucki it, I'm done.

I'm freakin wasted right now... Out at Kaneohe...I swear I'm fucking crazy! I haven't had a Boyfriend in over a year and a half, now I have one and I'm not sure it's the right guy. What is wrong with me? JTG?!? What the fuck am I thinking?

Someone help me please

Wow, I love it here. (hawaii) I really miss things (and people)back home but I know I wouldn't mind being here for a while. :-D I'm sure by the time September comes I'll be sick of it...gotta go.

Oh! I think I have a boyfriend now!

have you ever seen a place with One Hundred and Eight DIFFERENT types of beer on tap???
I think now that I have seen it my life is almost complete (hehehe, YEAH right!)

I have a date tonight!

Crystal, I am a MIKE magnet...

Okay, again I am not keeping up with the writing. *smacks hand* "bad me!" hahaha. A lot has happened for me lately though.
I have a job that people only DREAM about having! I work as a Lifegaurd on a Cruise Boat! Can you believe that? AHHHHH it's so cool. (okay, wow, I sound like a kid) But check this out. I saw Whales and Sea turtles ("Honu" since I am constantly corrected by my local cousins. I am also No longer allowed to say "Dude!" instead I am to say "Brah!". Is that great or what.
Lets see...Also the guy that took me to the beach that one night called me. As I mentioned in my previous post he is NOT my kind of guy. But it's nice to have some one going after me. I felt bad when he called, he's all "Hey how are you?" I say, "I'm fine...who are you?" he says "It's *Tom." and I'm like "Who?" and he says again "*Tom!". I ask "Do I know you?" (poor guy) he says "I hope so, do I have the right number?" I was like "I dunno, Who are you trying to call? " (In the aftermath of this I feel really bad.) He reply's "you!" To which I reply, "Have I ever talked to you before?" He comes back, "I hope so, It's *Tom from the Beach!" and I'm like "OH!!! *Tom! Hahaha, I remember!!!"

Just think of that...How bad would you feel? It's okay though...I dilude my conscience a bit by saying things like "It's okay, he's not my type." and "How was I supposed to know he'd call, I didn't give him my number..."

That's right ladies and gentlemen...He tracked me down. Kinda makes me feel good.......... In a weird sort of way.

*names have been edited for privacy (of other people...)I don't really care about mine, As you can see.

So I havent really been "blogging" lately...I guess I've been kinda busy. But I have to write about this. Last night was the first night I got to get away from family (here in Hawaii) and I went with a few new friends to the bar. Well the guy that picked me up to go to the bar lives far so someone that lives closer to me volunteered to take me home. Now this guy (that took me home) is not the most attractive guy but he was really funny, and cool to hang out with. Keep that in mind...So you know that although It was really cool it was not *perfect* (nothing ever is)
So the bar closes at 2am and we head out. I was not tired at all so after we dro off the other person that was getting a ride I make a comment about not being tired. Well I had a sweet tooth so we end up at Anna Millers and had coffee and I had Pie. Then we head out to take me home and we're talking about surfing, beaches, and camping on the beach. (at the time I could not recall ever being at a beach in the middle of the night) So I say That I had not been to the beach at night before. We keep driving and he says that when we are close to my aunties I need to give him directions. Well a little later I realize we are no where near my aunties. And I ask where we are. "Detour" he says. I'm thinking 'right...' so we keep driving and then turn left and park in this big parking lot. And get out. I don't know whats going on so I ask. He says "You said you weren't tired." 'Yeah', I reply. And he continues "and that you hadn't been to the beach at night..." So were were at the beach at like 345am. and we sat there until like 720am waiting for the sun to come up over Diamond Head...
Aside from the crappy sunrise (because of all the clouds in the sky you couldn't see anything.) the night was really freakin' cool.

So...whoa! My Life is moving so fast. Not really fast, acctually kinda slow. I'm getting on a plane on Friday. A plane going to Hawaii! Yay! I'm so excited.
I need to finish packing. So much to do and so little time to do it.

So, whoa! I'm so freakin tired right now. I've already put in 23 hours this week...Thats a lot for me.
Hmmm, I'm trying to think about something cool to write about, but the truth...hahaha...nothing really cool has happened to me since Saturday. I was so tired on Monday that I felt completely incompetent at most every thing I did that day. But I'm doing much better now. I actually got out of work early today! Yay!
And...He called me!

OKay so I lied...I didn't meet the guy I was gonna marry on Wednesday..hahaha.
I had a great night tonight (01.24.2004) good day, great night ...Once I got a fortune cookie that said "good to begin well, better to end well" I totally agree.

My body is so SORE right now. It feels good though. It's just like my chest and my legs.
Work was crazy this week. I swear I met the guy I'm gonna marry. I met him on Wednesday...He was totally perfect (for me). Too bad I don't have his number (or vice versa)
It was just that the whole time he was there he would look at me and smile (and once he even did a little wink) and when he left he was talking to me, like REALLY talking to me. God! Why do I let people like that walk away!??! I half thought of running after him when he walked out the door, but then I came back to reality and saw the line of people that had been waiting in line behind him. But he really talked to me, not just small chat. And when he left he smiled and didnt even turn his back to me until he was out the door, a little grin as he left.
I let him walk away...And all I have is his name...

"I'm so tired of being here,
Surpressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave,
'Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone,
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just to real,
There's just to much that time can not erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of you tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears...
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have...All of me..."

I Have have this note that he wrote me (so long ago), he said he would fight to keep me...That he would never let me just walk away...But I did walk away. He never fought for me.
God damn it! It's been so fucking long!
Eh! That song was on while I was driving home today. Guess that's why I was thinking this shit. The song makes me think of him...I'd swear they wrote it for me...hahaha. Oh well, enough of that. I need a nap. :)

So, I met a guy last night... and of course (with my luck) he's moving to New Mexico Friday. WTF is that? oh well...I couldn't have expceted too much anyways, right?

I'm at the library with Stina now...Gotta get shit done.

I went snow boarding on January 2nd! OMG it was so freakin awesome! hehehe, maybe I'll get to go again this weekend. I still gotta find a board though. We'll see.
Aywasy it was my first time boarding. I made four runs down (we were at Big Bear in California). By the time I was ready to start my fourth run I was so exhausted that I was thinking "why did I wanna go again?" but the whole day was so worth it. TC, Shawn, Houston, me. They said I did really good for my first time out.
I wanna go again so bad!!!!!!!!!!