I don't want to be alone anymore. The things that go on in my life are becoming too much for me to face by myself. I used to be so strong and now all I feel inside of me is weakness, it's infecting me and I can't figure out how to reverse it.

Oliver called me tonight. I don't know what it was that made him call but I anwered anyways. Asked what he was doing he said he'd just got home from the bar (I'm sure he was drunk). He asked what I was doing, I'd just gotten home from work half an hour prior to his call. And out of no where he says. "I'm sorry Jonya. It's my fault, it's all my fault. I'm such an ass." Probably took him half a minute to say... Half a minute to completly break me. Instantly following his apology I burst into tears. After minutes of me sobbing silently I hear his breathing change. I can tell he's now talking to me lying on his bed. My thoughts in my head at this time are how I know all these little things about him. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat alone are the sole comforts I have. How I used to watch him sleep. Then I'd curl up next him and just listen to him sleep. Sometimes I'd put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. Used to be my favorite 2 sounds in the world...

He fell asleep somewhere around us being on the phone for 10minutes. And I sat there crying and listening to him sleep. I kept asking myself "why?" I have a lot of answers for that: I think because of how much I missed hearing it. This sound is no longer mine to listen to and I doubt I will ever hear it again. I was trying to hold on to memories of us because of how I felt while we were together. I couldn't stand to be alone.

I listened to him sleep for 40 minutes. The whole time telling myself "In 5 minutes I'm going to hang up." Tick-tock-tick-tock... Five minutes would come and go, and I'd tell myself the same thing again. It wasn't until he rolled over or something and I couldn't hear him breathing anymore that I hung up. I probably would have listened until I too fell asleep.

But now I am scared to sleep, afraid of the dreams I will have in the wake of the time I spent on the phone with him. I can't dream about him... It's too hard for me, but this my subconcious does not know. So I will unwillingly suffer though more than I have already been though.

Song of the Day: Backstreet Boys "Incomplete"
I had a dream about Oliver last night... I can remember it so vividly. Why does my heart always get broken?
so my dream: First I'm at the beach trying to surf but Christy and I are laughing at each other because We're having trouble standing up. I just can't pop-up on the board. Then it's time to go. Beach is full of cars because some kind of Ferry came in after we got out of the water. I walk to the house cause we gotta check the chickens ASAP since they are laying 7 eggs a day now. We're house sitting for Brian, but it's a totally different house (Mike's old house) So we get to this house (it's so different inside) feed Farley and go check the chickens. One of the chickens keeps trying to take the eggs from us. Picks the egg in it's mouth and flys to the roof. I swear it talked to me, but I don't know what it said. Then I'm in the house alone. Christy is outside doing I don't know what. I hear someone knocking at the door. I open...Oliver is standing there (of course wearing my fav. outfit. Plaid-ish button up shirt with blue jeans). My first instinct is to slap him. But I just stand there. He looks at me so sad. He says to me "I'm so sorry Jonya" I don't know what to say so I just say "why?" and he tells me "I'm not right anymore. Something about me changed while I was in Afghanistan" he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't sleep at night and drinks way too much now. My heart breaks. He is what I have been since last November. I feel bad for him.
But then I wake up. It is just a dream. He'll never come knocking at my door apologizing for everything I have been though because of him. He'll never be sorry for what I have become because I cared too much about him.

Guys like him are the worst. They touch you, look at you, and talk to you like you are all they ever wanted. I should've known... but I thought he was different.


Why would you look at someone like this if you knew you were gonna hurt them? He made me feel like we were the only people on the planet. I just don't understand. Did he know what he was doing from the beginning? Or did the things that happened during our time together that made him feel so bad he didn't want to see me. It hurts more that he doesn't even talk to me. I just need to understand.

Song of the Day: 3 Doors Down "Let Me Go"
I'm sitting here by myself made myself a glass of Orange Juice and I was thinking about how I have all these little quirks that no one knows about. More than anything I wish there was someone in my life that knew these things. The Orange Juice is what started it. Until this morning no one knew that I mix my OJ with Water. Now my mom knows, only cause I told her. I don't wanna have to tell people about these little habits I have. I just want someone to be around enough to notice them.

The pain I have gone through in the last year was so unbearable at first, now I know everything I went through was in vain. Wish I could count every night I spent crying til 4am, the number of times I wasted my breath saying his name wishing by some type of magic he's hear it. Hours I spent staring at the ceiling thinking of him. No one knows these things I did while I was alone. And it was all for nothing. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want to wake up next to someone that is 'complete' because they get to wake up next to me.

i'm so irritated right now. been off work since 250 and it's 4 now. i'm sitting here fuming and about to slit my wrists purely for entertainment. why?

POTW: "I sho shoulda"
Holy crap I'm tired. Woke up hella early (for me & for a sunday) 738am. Had a great morning before work. worked a double, so now I'm exhaused. On my way home stopped and got a a 12 pack of Miller Lite (It's miller time!). So now I'm gonna have a couple beers and pass out.

I wish I could read minds. Life would be so much easier. No questioning. Wouldn't tha be nice?