10:10am...This is the earliest I've been awake in like three days! Can you believe it? I'm really tired though, I've been staying up way to late. I was up 'til 4am last night. Yeah I definetly want another hour of sleep, at least. Off to bed I go again...Good night! (~or morning, hehehhe~)

Wow! It's 7:20 and I am just now posting. I usually do it really early in the day... Not much to write about right now. I go back to Phoenix tomorrow, but I move up here December 3rd! Yay! It's gonna be so Awesome. Okay, well I am going to go now, nothing to write about...Bye.
~Pat made the dogs fall all over me, and Keiki kept whacking me in the head with her tail. Punk!

Thoughts of Yesterdays
Jonya Ululani Repucci

He never told me it would last forever,
I guess I just assumed it would go there.
The end of three years took just an instant,
I shiver and remember with tears.
I never dreamed life could change so fast into “What might have been?”
From dreams of tomorrow and the rest of our future,
To thoughts of yesterday and of MY past.
I feel so lonely as I stand right here.
My throat gets tight, fingers around it, memories rush back.
It’s not real this time, but still I fill with fear.
I always thought I could defend myself, always thought I was so tough and so strong.
But now grabbing at his hands I feel myself break.
I haven’t felt this low in so long.
My memory fades back to my past it’s my dad this time,
His hand around my wrist, I just wanted to run away.
A fight over scissors that ended with the snap of a belt,
Again I am broken… Back to thoughts of yesterdays…
I reach up to my face; I swear I can still feel that scab.
Back in the driveway, how did I end up on the ground?
My knees and my hands are scraped up my throat still hurts…
But that’s not what hurts most
I feel like he took my heart along with my breath in that one moment.
I told myself “Walk away. Walk away and never look back.”
But it’s hard to not look back, I wonder if he could change.
I wonder if it would be the same fear or if I’d live in fear.
I look deep down I know the truth inside.
This time just makes it easier for next time,
And next time I might not be so lucky to walk away,
With a scab on my face and a scar on my heart…
So I will walk away, but I still look back.

This is funny. (not really, but to me it is) I woke up late again. One o'clock, this is what I get for staying awake until 4am. Well I sat down to get on the computer and I wasn't even thinking about how I sleep. But I looked down and there is a big "X" on the inner part of my left leg, right by my knee. I was like "What the? How did that get there?" I totally forgot that on the backside of my right hand there is a big black "X" from the concert last night. I looked again, there is an "X" in the same spot on my right leg. I think that one is just a copy of the one on my left leg. Hehehe, I think it's funny.

I have no idea what I got on to write about...I went to a "Lords of Acid" concert tonight. I pretty much had a blast, except for the fact that I was exhausted when it was over. I still dunno what I wanted to write. The concert was fun though. They had some pretty good songs. hehehe. I saw a bumper sticker on the way home that I liked.

"I started with nothing, and I still have most of it"

It went something like that. here is my own.... "life is weird like that sometimes, but hey you gotta live it. So why not LIVE it."

ps. I have my own picture style ~You can't steal it all cliffy! I thought of it first...but I'll let you use it, 'Cuz I'm nice.~

I just remembered something...I woke up crying this morning. I woke up right when the tears started falling. It was weird, it felt like I should be crying, so I rolled over, wiped them off and fell back asleep. I don't even remeber why. Someone was gone, but I don't remember who he was... Hmph! my knight in shining armor dissapeared. That's what it felt like at least. I wanna scream. I fell like I have all these problems and no one wants to help, I feel so confused and I feel like there is no one to listen. Why? I think it's because of yesterday.

I wish I knew what was going on in my life! What's going on in my head? I can't think strait. My mind is full of all these "Thought Balls" I wanna reach up and grab one but they are bouncing to fast! Stop slow down!!!!!!!!! Uggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!

"Live today to the fullest, because tomorrow is not promised."

OKay, so I'm over it from earlier... Today was just one of those hard days. But it got a lot better than it was. I had fun we went to Crystals dad's union dinner for Thanksgiving. It was hilarious, ther were raffling off a ton of turkeys. Chanelle, Pat, Crystal and I were sitting at our table drawing stuff and writing stuff. Guessing how old a guy was and shit. Well, Crystals dad hands us his ticket for the raffle. And we were like, what were the numbers? So we wrote them on the table, and Pat underlined it. Then Crystal says "everyone concentrate on 419. because those were the ending numbers. So we all put our heads on the table and thought about our numbers. And they started calling the next ticket. And they said "419" we were Like "Holy shit" we hadn't even been thinking about the numbers for a minute, and they called them! It was great. WE won a Turkey! Pat says "gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble" hehehehe.

I'm totally going to vent right now, maybe it'll make me feel better. Today started out pretty good, I woke up at like one. (it's nice to sleep in sometimes) and my throat doesn't hurt as bad as it used to. But some how in three hours that I've been awake, life has gone to shit. (not really but that's how I feel right now) How did this all start???
I sent Mike (Taylor ~ "the ex") a text message asking why he didn't call me back about his phone. (this is where it all began) he replys saying he didn't know he was supposed to call me back about it. So I call him to talk to him about it. He says he's gonna keep it for a little while longer until he can afford the one he wants, and somewhere in the midst of telling me that he says somehting about revving it to hard. So I ask him "what?" he says he revved the car to hard. "what car? do you drive now?" no, it's Mellissa's car. "oh, should I let you go?" no, she's at work... "Oh, who's Mellissa?" my girlfriend.
~this is where it all went wrong for me... How can he have a girlfriend already. That's just not right. I wonder if she's better for him than I was.
"how long have you guys been going out?" Since November 4th... "Oh, do you go to school with her?" No she works at the Depot. "oh, it is that girl that always would smile at you when we went in?" No, which one was that?
~what do you mean which one was that? idiot...you know they were looking, don't play dumb, there were like three of them
"Well what's she look like?" ~stupid question, i really don't wanna know. Why did I ask? She's like 5'5" brown hair to her shoulders. "oh, okay... So about the phone, when do you think you'll have the money to get your own?" Not this paycheck, Mellissa's CD bearings went out and I'm gonna help pay for them to be replaced. "Oh, okay" ~I just wanted to scream at him! he never bought me anything like that. Helped my mom buy me new tires once after we had been dating for a year and a half, and he bitched about that! Fuck! I hate him so much! We went out for three years and I have nothing to show for it, except a wall that I've put up to keep people out!!!!! That Prick! I hate him so much...I never want to talk to another guy again! Right now I feel like they are all like him, or like they will all be like him. I gave him so much and I have nothing to show for it. I put so much into that relationship and how did he thank me??? He didn't he scuffed me up and now all I am is DAMAGED... ruined, no one wants what I am now... How could they? But still I keep torturing myself... Wonder what it would be like if he was still mine. If I was still his. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum he's not worth my tears, why am I giving them to him? Why does this hurt so much, why can't I stop it? I bet he loved it, I know he could hear the jealousy in my voice talking about her. I know he liked it, a thousand miles away and still he had the power to hurt me. To rip my heart out again. go ahead, stomp on it, I know you like it! You always did, always liked to know you were the one that had me in your grasp, always liked to know exactly what hurt the most... you loved to see me break, loved to see me weaker than you...Because I knew what I wanted with my life, I knew where I was going. And you didn't, you liked to see me weaker didn't you I wonder though, is that how it really was? I wonder if I am just bitter from all the times you made me give in first... you did know what hurt the most...I could never come close to it on you.
"Are you sleeping with her?" Not yet, why? "Just curious"
~Why do I tourture Myself like this?....This is how I know I'm not ready for another relationship yet...

I didn't wake up til one o'clock today! I'm such a bum. Still sick my voice started to go a bit last night. But my throat isn't as sore. I guess that is a good thing. Right. Anyways I'm bored right now. 3 more hours til Crystal heads home. Hmmm, what to do????

Oh yeah... I did only get two calls/reply's. Mom called me yesterday right after I sent it out. And Lani called me Last night.

Man this sucks, now my ear is in on it too! Stupid stupid stupid ear! Well I just got done sending out an e-mail to my family and some of my friends down in Phoenix. Lot's of fun. I don't know how many of them will actually read it. And of the ones that do read it who will reply or call. I'm guessing two max. Mom and Lani. The last time dad called me was to see if I knew where Lani was. I think it was the first time he'd called in like a month. He's really busy with work so I guess I understand. (wow that was fast, my mom just called me, hmm... well that was fun) The picnic yesterday really was a blast. Crystal & I even got flowers :) Pretty ones, that match...Speaking of the picnic I gotta go get my pictures from walgreens! Yay! BRB hehehe

Ugghhh!!!!! I am so sick right now. :( I keep sneezing and sniffling... :( I hope I am better by the time I go home. The drive would really suck if I'm sick. The picnic was a blast! bye

Yay it's time for a picnic. And Crystal & I spent all afternoon in the kitchen getting ready for this! We had fun last night. Crystal, Pat, Mike, and I went to Butch's house last night. I was good though. I didn't drive home. hehehe. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. Get what I'm saying? Well last night was the first time I've ever played darts. And after having 5 drinks I did really good. Except like every 2nd dart I threw stuck in the wall. None of the guys even stuck them in the wall when they hit out of the target. Well Mike & I were a team. The other teams were Crystal & Pat (who didn't even drink...Yay for the DD's) Jen & Sy, and Butch & Megan. I whoop ass. I threw a bullseye on my first turn. Then when the next team went to go Butch realized it was only set for two teams. So we had to start again. But I threw another bullseye! Well Mike & I rocked, we won first! Okay Time for a Picnic in the mountains. :) Yay! Bye. Go look at pictures! ("Nothing Yet" link) Hey it's 1:08pm heehehe