I'm not myself today... more so than any other day lately. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like it's last year when Oliver was gone again. I am so tired but no matter how much I sleep it's not enough. I'm tired of dealing with people, and I just wanna shut them all out. But I fake this smile every day. I act like everything is okay with me every hour. I think about him every minute. And I'm dying inside every second.

I woke up this morning and felt so conflicted. I wanna put on the strong face, but my body and mind don't have the energy. I cried before I left my bunk. I want to curl up in a corner and disappear. It's hard enough just to breathe right now, much less deal with the day that is coming at me.

I am back at square one. I was doing so well, then all of a sudden this drop comes in my path and I can't get out of the hole I've fallen in. I feel so alone. Everytime I have to say "bye" to someone (even for the day) I can't help but cry. Why Do I have to be this way? Why does today have to be this way. I'm running out of the energy to deal with it all.

And tonight I still have to go back and pretend it's all alright...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand. Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again. And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you. I must have dragged my guts a block..."