I dont even know where I wanna start writing. I saw "Jarhead" tonight. I think they did good keeping near the book. Other than that Oliver made me a bear at the Build-a-bear-workshop. I don't think I have ever loved any teddy bear as much as I love this one. He is absolutely the cutest bear I have ever had...And yet, I am screaming inside. Do people see the signs? Are there signs? I don't know. I feel alone in what I am going through. I see this look already from my bear, which happens to be named 'Jarhead', this look though... I want to try to explain this and it's hard. Teddy bears are always smiling and he has that smile like he's trying to tell everyone that he's happy. But this bear can see into my soul and his eyes reflect what I am feeling at this moment. Dialated. Scared, wondering... His eyes are like mirrors of my mind.

I know already the things this bear will go though with me. No one else knows, just me. If a bear could ever speak of what they see in someone he would say how much I hurt, he'd tell all about the fears in my mind. Not that any of it would help. My fears are my own.

I look at Oliver laying in his bed and no one (in my life) will ever know how scared I am. I love him so much. I think of my life if something happened to him Over There and I already know that I won't make it if he's gone. I see him sleeping and I just can't ever live without that. I can live with him being overseas for months at a time, but I can't if he is really just gone.

looking back on what I went though while oliver was in afghanistan... Every day I have with him is bringing me closer to disaster. Every hug and every kiss is closing my fate. I'm gonna break when he leaves. I look in his eyes and he doesn't know the pain I am going though. Its already like this for me because I know what is going to happen in a couple months. I've been down this road before. How do people live though this. How did I live though it? I think about it and I ache. I'm exhausted already.

I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.

I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.

Awww shit son!!! Jarhead comes out tomorrow!!! I'm goin to an early show, hells yeah. "I thank God for every day he gives me in the Corps OoRah!"
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