I started to write yesterday, but I think I was already drinking when I did. Anyways, I ended up getting really drunk (drank for like 12 hours straight). So basically I got drunk, along with some other people, and talk about freaking drama! What is it with these guys since they came back from Australia? A bunch of stupid-heads! Anyways, people got belligerent. The OOD came by and other people shattered. Ugh! I hate seeing these guys like that.

So not much going on today. Went to sleep around 0630, and woke up at 1230. Still Fucking DRUNK! so everyone take a wild guess at what I did when I got out of bed....
That's right, I started drinking again! Hahahah! Cause I'm an alcoholic! I dunno, not really. Last weekend my mom says "Jonya, do you think you might have a problem?" I say I don't think so...I'd hate to see me if I did (by my standards) have a problem.

I'm not quite sure what I thought this weekend was going to be like. You know, his first weekend back. There were all these things we talked about on the phone that we were gonna do when he came back.
Only thing we actually did was sit out and BBQ. WE weren't even supposed to BBQ here, we were gonna go to Bellows and do it, like abunch of us. Supposedly that is going to happen next weekend.
I'm freakin exhausted right now. I wanna just pass out

There are always things I want to say to him...but I never do. Like we'll be laying there ~my head on his chest, I've never been as comforted by anything in my life as much as I am comforted by the sound of his heart beat.~ I just want to ask him if he loves me as much as I love him. I know he doesn't. I want to ask why it feels like he's pushing me away.

I know he leaves in a month. I know what he is leaving to. I am afraid. I'm not going to give up on "Us" just because he's going.

He's going for a good cause huh?
Hmmm... America (there are so many things that come through my head when I think about this subject, so I will pick just one) Land of the Free... Yeah, I can make my own choices. I fell for him. Is that really a choice? I think not. Maybe partially free. I am constantly affected by the choices of others. That is how this free thing works, right? So, free...but not free. The way I feel when I think about him leaving, I feel like a caged bird. Like I'm suffocating.
Sacrifices...
So right now freedom feels like a pillow over my face.
Something good has to come from this.
I know I am privleged to live where I live.
This is why. People before me made sacrifices.
I understand.


Courage is not the lack of fear, but the presence of fear, yet the will to move on...