So this thing with Houston, it'd never work. Both of us being in the Academy together, It'd be kinda tough, I don't know, tough to explain to people that don't understand the class and how much it takes out of you and how much time it takes up.

I'm not crazy I'm just a little un-well, I know right now you can't tell. Just stay a while and maybe then you'll see...a different side of me...

So I don't know if it means anything but I talked to Houston last night. He called my phone and was like "did you call?" and I say "yeah a few people from my class are hanging out..." and proceed to invite him. Then he asks if I sent him a text message. I say 'no, just the one last week about thanks for the gas' and he says "oh, someone sent me one saying 'I'll call you tomorrow' " I laugh, "No, it wasn't me" I say, then proceed to say "But I will if you want" and he chuckes and says "right on"

So now I wonder....

Today I'm doing a 24 hour shift. Shibby!
Today I feel like it won't be long...I swear I can feel it coming.

And I don't want the World to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand...When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

There is a guy that I like...but I think if I ever had a chance with him I blew it big time on saturday night. His name is Houston *sigh* yeah, I'm sure I fucked it up. A bunch of us were meeting at my house so we could all go to a party. and I started drinking as soon as I got home from class (at 630pm) people we're meeting at my house at 845pm...so Ron and I are drinking and I'm trying to keep up to Ron. Then Houston gets to my house and I (wanna show off) so I bust out the Jose Cuervo and start doing shots...by 9pm I've had 6 beers and 5 shots. Then we go to the party. I have one more beer on the way and then we get there. I have a corona at the party and end up falling ( I swear I was pushed) into the pool. Freeze my Ass off! and then BLANK I remember waking up with my head in a trash can and I remember laying in the back of a big car (I thought it was a truck but it was a Suburban) Then I remember waking up in my bathroom at home.

I haven't had a Hangover since I was a junior in high school...that was almost 5 years ago (cause it was New Years Eve my junior year)

So yeah, I think IF I ever did have a chance with Houston, I don't anymore. Shitty feeling cuz he's a freakin awesome guy.

We talked about stress in class last night. Firefighter is rated the #3 most stressful job in the US (#1 being President and #2 the CEO of a large Company) I can see how too...I heard a great analogy for it last night.

"it's like every shift you are there walking around with your basket and all day long you pick up rocks and put them in this basket then at the end of your shift you dump the rocks out of your basket and take the basket home. Well one day you go to dump out your basket and one of those rocks doesn't come out so you take it home with you. And this keeps happening until you get to the one day where you go to dump out the basket and none of the rocks come out."

My life has a lot of stress lately...and my rocks are building up, soon enough its gonna start hurting me.

I have a black eye - I haven't had one since I was 7- I don't know where it came from either...

Okay, Saturday was SO Freakin' bad ass!!!!!!!!!!
I do have a bruise on my arm from ladder bails, but it was so much fun! I was kinda worried about the Denver drill, but I did really good (or so I was told) at it. I felt good about it.
Since then here'e what's happened to me... went out with TC Saturday night, Went and drilled on Sunday at the station (we drilled from 11-3ish) Talk about being in pain (after a night out). Then We BBQ-ed at the station, that was sweet! after that TC, Edgar, Matt, and I went to the Lake. *shibby* Got stuck for 2 hours *fuck-a-roo* got out on our own *sweet* went home, slept, worked Monday til 1, hung out with Lani til Class, Went and took my quiz (85% :-p ) Went to class, went home and...TONY CAME OVER!!! YAY! it was so awesome, even though there is nothing to do at my house. It totally made my day to have him over. :) Today I haven't done hardly anything. I went to lunch with my little sister :) I can't believe she's in 8th grade! holy crap....

Oh Geez! I saw *Tony* tonight!!! totally made my night. :-) He came by my work to see me! *sigh* I miss lani :( Dunno when she'll be home. It's okay I'll be busy this weekend.
Tomorrow -> Ladder Bails (hell yeah!), Repelling from windows using just a tool and some rope (I'm told) and The Denver Drill (kinda worried...everyone says it's tough)
Remember the guy from my last 'blog'? Yeah...I saw him today. *so hot*
Gotta go now. Wish me luck at jumping out of windows tomorrow! (ladder bails)

So I'm at the computer lab at the college. I think I come here hoping that I'll meet more people than I meet in class (because those guys are off limits) but really all the guys in here are either fat, or hella ugly, or nerds, or just not my type...Really kinda sad. Guess I am way off in my thinking of "how to meet guys"So last night I'm at applebees and I kinda realize something: The Guys that dress like the punk/skater/plays the guitar/ with the belt with metal studs and sagging corduroy and the beater (a.k.a 'wife beater') shirts....yeah, I like those guys. For some reason I find them totally attractive. Fuck if I know!
I think lately any guy that I come across that I would usually only find remotely attractive, now I find them hot. Well this guy last night. I've run into him before (a lot) and I totally thought he was hot before, but now...so lonely/been so long...I'd be all over that shit in a heart beat! hahhaa. But I dont want that kind of relationship, and I'm almost sure the type fo guy he is- he's not looking for what I am. You know?

Someone in my class told me I did really good at the 2 1/2 inch stand-pipe...It was my first time and I wasn't really sure how I did...I'm glad someone is telling people that I did good. Because the guy I found out from said one of the other guys had told him. *cheesy grin*

Tomorrow is "Hose Lays" in class. I'm glad, I totally need work on my hose lays, the first time I ever pulled hose off the truck (Wednesday night in class) I ate asphalt...only two people in my class bit it. Me and Nick.
I love this class so much. We are starting to come together more. I hang out a lot with the other 03-03 class. So much fun.
My week hasn't been as good as I want it though. I'm totally stressed out this week, and it's been hard for me. My ankles are Cankles...Dr says it might be an allergic reaction...To what? I dont know. My sister needs help, and I don't know what to do...Between Work, School, and her I have my hands full. I feel like everything is gonna be different now...It's just begun too.

It's September 11th...I remember where I was two years ago today. Crazy how shit happens
I just re-took the death test (because I was talking to some guys from the Op's class about it last night) let's see what I got...
December 27, 2047 at 64 years old...at least I'll never have to renew my drivers license...it doesn't expire until April 10th, 2048
Here are the things I'll most likely die from: Cancer - (16%), Heart Attack (15%), Alcoholism (13%), Drowning (13%), Alien Abduction (11%), Third Degree Burns (5%), Suicide (5%), Homicide (5%)
Interesting. The part about the Third degree burns bothers me a bit. That wasn't on there the last time I took the test.

So I'm sitting at the college right now, praying that I'll meet the man of my dreams here. Yeah, not happening. I see all kinds of other people though. Last time saw a girl I used to swim with, my Ex (that I dated for 3 years) his best friend (who I also used to hang out with) and this time I saw a guy I used to swim with...
Can't I just meet a good looking guy here?

Hmmm, I wrote a whole "blog" out then Accidentally deleted it. Damn it.
Well the academy is going great. (I just ran into my Ex at the college) My class (03-04) is the ArchAngels *get-er-Dun!* I hang out alot with the other Monday/Wednesday class (03-03: Franklin Brawlers *21 Strong*) Both groups are freakin awesome! I love the class.
This Saturday is Extrication Day...which means we do the traditional *Extrication Day BBQ* hella cool. :) Dude...this class rocks. *for those of you who know me...I really hope that some Saturday you'll come out and watch us drill, and take some pic's!!!!!!!!! I've been taking a hell of a lot of pics!!!!!!!!! *Shibby!*

-> Now a bit off topic: I love reading my old blogs...It's crazy to see/remember exactly what I was thinking like a year (almost) ago...:)

It's Friday!!!!!!! Somehow for me that doesn't sound as good as it does to everyone else...I'll explain. ->I don't have a weekend! For some this is a four day weekend, me I get Sunday off. I even go to school on Monday (labor day!) BUt I'm not complaining (really!) I go to school on Saturday...all day. Wake up at 5am, be there by 645am, stay until...they let us go home (probably not until after 6pm) But I love it. I'll probably Die on Saturday...*shakes head* a lot harder than most people think. They are gonna try to get us a 110' ladder (that's the equivalent of an 11 story building), also they said for our Search and rescue drill the place we are going has smoke....Sweet! even though I don't quite know what it means, I know it means we won't be able to see.
I'm on Engine 5! hehhe, 5 is me!

I had the best day....and some how it was bad too. My kitty (that I've had since I was 3) died today. :( But *sigh* theres Tony :)

It's Monday again...hehehe that just made me think "looks like someone has a case of the Mondays" I don't , by the way, have a case of the Mondays. I'm having a good day. I started my Fire Op's 1-2 class on Saturday...I was SO nervous on Friday night. I went to bed at like 11, and woke up...felt so good, thought my alarm would be going off any second...looked at the clock...1am! thought "shit, I still have to sleep more!" fell back asleep, woke up again thinking my alarm would be going off any second. turned on my phone and it was like 3:27am! Son of a B**ch! I couldn't fall back asleep until after 4am. Then I slept until the alarm went off. :) Nice...
The class was great. 03-04! Yeah! Monday/Wednesday group got to go through the skills course first. Thank God! because the Tuesday/Thursday group had to do it after lunch. Yuck...I'd have puked for sure (instead of just swallowing it). First they split us into Engine companies. I was on Engine 8! (Yay Engine 8!) and we did turnout races. My Engine took 2nd! Pretty good out of 8 huh? Then the instructors took us around the course. Engine 8 stayed turned out the longest! (or so I was told) It looked like we did.
I totally overheated in the Burn Tower. When We got done with that they let our engine go to Rehab and I felt like shit because I thought I did really bad in the burn tower, but one of the lab techs said "if it makes you feel better there were more people sitting in re-hab than finished the course" It did make me feel better because engine 8 finished the course. After being in re-hab for a little while we pulled some huge ass tires, "opened" fake hydrants, pulled the tires again, pulled some weights up by rope, and went through the burn tower again. A few Lab Techs told me I kicked ass out there...I hope they were right. I have class in like 5 hours.

Well, Friday night went great. I did get hit on by a hot guy! I'm not sure if it was more that I hit on him and he was just cool with it or what. I don't know, and really I don't care...Because (hahaha, always a "because") on Saturday I went to a party and met the hottest guy in the city of Glendale! And he actually asked for my number. Then He called me like two hours after the party (before I went to bed) and said he was gonna call me on Sunday...AND He DID! but unfortunately I was taking a nap and I didn't hear my phone ring :( so he left a message...But he left a message. Is that bad ass (like good) or what.

I went hiking/ running (3MI trails) Friday: 530am, Saturday: 530pm, Sunday: 6pm, this morning: 530am, and I go again at 630pm. Hopefully the extra stress works me hard so Saturday (First day of my Firefighter 1-2) doesn't kick my ass too hard. I wake up every day with a knot in my stomach now because class is getting so close. I've got all these emotions. *excited!, nervous...* it's doing wonders (not really) for my sleep schedual.
Hopefully Tony calls me tonight. *sigh* hahahha

So, it's Friday night...The highlight of my night tonight is...McDuffy's with some of the Cadets, in fact I just got the call to go. So I'm off! Wish me luck (that I get hit on by a hot guy! hahaha)

So, my day has been interesting. Even my mom says I need a boyfriend. My God! I feel so lame. I have a meeting with the Cadets in like almost an hour, and here I am sitting at the library. *highlight of my day!* I didn't really have much to write today. I wrote christina a letter last night. :) Hopefully she gets it, I dont know if she ever got my last one. Well, time to go to the meeting, I gotta go home and change.

It's been a long time since I wrote last...I start my Firefighter 1-2 in 10 days, my God 10 days!

So here's whats going on in my mind: I just got a copy of a letter that my best friend sent to my other best friend. Everything in that letter I knew already (about Pat being a cheating, lying, Bitch! *I hope he reads this so he knows what he is!*) Now I'm just pissed off. I wish I could make her see what I see. She's so much better than almost anyone out there and he treats her like dirt. I don't know what to say to her. :( I feel so helpless. I'v ecome across hard things with guys in my life, been treated like shit...been handled like trash. But as much as it hurt to leave I knew it would only get worse if I stayed. I can't make her see that The words I want her to hear never come out of my mouth. Too afraid...afraid that I'm gonna hurt her (by saying it) more than he is (by doing it), afraid that she might get mad at me and not want to talk to me again. reading the letter she sent me all I could think about was how much he deserves to get his ass kicked, and how much I would love to be the one to do it. She was telling something about a fight they'd had...I was just sitting here thinking that if a guy would have said that to me I would be bawling my ass off. Then I wondered if she'd cried...he deserves a lot worse than a beating if he made her cry. Then I wondered if she didn't cry...I don't want him to make her numb...numb to life, live, pain, joy...I just want her happy. I wonder if she's happy still with him. I wonder if there is ever a time when she's with him that she thinks "God, I still love him" and smiles to herself because of his company...It makes me want to vomit thinking that there is still something in him that might please her. But I am not her. I don't know what she is thinking or feeling. I'm not there in the room next to her anymore, and I cant walk out my door 10 steps and see the look on her face. Because If I could then I would know all the things I don't right now. I hurt thinking about what he's done to her...what he's still doing to her? *sigh* I wish I knew, and i wish I had the strength to say what I think. I guess I'm afraid that she wouldn't listen either...

Well, I don't have much to write really. I'm just kinda bored. I'm at my moms office. *ugh* I think my brain will explode from boredom.
Last Saturday I went to Mexico! Puerto Penasco ( I think I spelled it right)! Dude It was bad ass!!! It was Jo, Derek & I. That was really fun. :) We spent the night up there and it only cost us $35 for our room. Sweet huh?

It's 4:32am, in less than one hour I'll be at Thunderbird Mountain doing PT to get ready for my Fire Operations class.
You know I was thinking earlier ....I feel lonley sometimes. It's almost been the whole summer, my first summer in six years without a boyfriend. I know I won't have one by the end of the summer, I'm sure I won't have one during my Fire Op's class...Not enough time *unless he cared enough to make the time for me, I haven't had a guy do that in a long time. I joke that it's about the sex, but it's not really that (maybe a little hehehehe) I guess someone to be around. A good friend, I have a good *guy* friend right now, but this is the last weekend I'll spend with him ("spend" is such a, I dunno, seems like it's a strong feeling word, but it's not like that for him & me, just friends =p)
It's okay. I've got the guys...and I want to start running with Jay and Chewy (so if you are reading this you better call me!) time to go get ready for PT. wish me luck...

Well, Yesterday was Awesome!
I picked up my Turnouts for my Fire Op's 1-2 class starting in the fall. I can't believe it. *sigh* okay, so right now I'm at the UofA waiting for my friend Derek to take this freakin math test. I have to go now though. but go take my quiz :-p
What do you really think of me?

wish me luck...