so I watched this movie tonight... weird thing is, I don't know how this movie came to my mind. But all of a sudden I had to see it. I don't know how I remember seeing it before. I couldn't even remember the name of the movie. But I had to know. All I could see in my head was a scene of a man crossing a street to have dinner with his wife.

Turns out the movie I had in my head came out in 1989. I don't remember seeing this movie as a teenager, or an adult.

Just odd. But all through watching this I think of Brian.

The way he joked earlier, he jokes now... does he think of that?

"After all that we've been through
It all comes down to me and you
I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After all"

I love my sister :-)

I love my sister :-)

I think he's gonna crush me. After that dream, I feel like I'll die all over again. Does anyone know what I went through after Michael? I had a dream like that once with him. Then years later it ended. I don't know how to do that again. I'm... LOST. I have this vision in my head of how things should turn out. would turn out. Then part of me says "this is how it worked out in the past" how am I supposed to know the difference. My 'programs' wanna harden myself and prepare... I just can't live that way though. How are you supposed to know what's right though?
J-Dizzle

I had a dream last

I had a dream last night. One of those thats so good when you are in it, then you wake up and it wears off and you're crushed . I wanted to cry.

So i'm getting ready to see the simpsons movie. this cartoon has been on air for ages! Ages! crazy than my age is the middle of the age group that is ecstatic about seeing it. thats how long It's been on. I'm watching it with my boyfriend who is ten years older than me, and his nephew who is ten years younger. If this movie is as good as they make it sound it'll pull the most money of the year. So far i'm a bit cynical. I mean an hour and a half of Simpsons, no commercials? Crazy! We'll find out though.

i don't know when to

i don't know when to stop.

Don't ever fly US Airways. they dick you around and can't come right out and tell you why your plane is delayed 6 hours. Douche bags.
J-Dizzle

Brooklyn Bridge was amazing. I can't believe that it was built a century ago.
J-Dizzle

I love New York. Absolutely,

I love New York. Absolutely, thats it
J-Dizzle

Well today is the big

Well today is the big day. SKY DIVING. I'm so excited I don't know how to feel. It's gonna be awesome though.
J-Dizzle

What a disappointment, brian pulled

What a disappointment, brian pulled an "oliver" tonight. Got too drunk to keep his word. Fantastic.
J-Dizzle

Just in case you can't read that it says, "...I'm losing my mind without you. I love you..." How could you be the way you were to me and not feel bad? sure things are okay now. But is that any way to act toward someone that you 'loved'. I wanna say that i would die for the guy I'm with now, do anything for him, but how could I know after you

I Love Him

So, yeah i never write anymore. guess i kinda forgot about it. I was just sitting here thinking how weird people are. why is it people have to be shady and steal from their friends (not a situation i'm in). what is it about them or the way they were raised that some part of them has no guilt about this. Fucking rude. i wonder how their minds work. It's weird. people are weird.

i don't even know what i wanna write. Things are going awesome with brian. he's freaking amazing to me. I wonder sometimes "how'd that even happen?" i never would have pictured him and i together. We've been seeing each other for almost 2 months now. wow.
J-Dizzle

I can't stop myself from thinking that this is the way I will be for the rest of my life.

Never able to have a normal relationship again. Not that I've had a "normal" relationship in years. I look at grouchy old women and wonder if I am going to turn out like one of them, bitter with the world for the hand it has dealt me. But really it's the hand I dealt myself. I could get into a relationship if I wanted. At least I think I could. But I already know that from the beginning I would do what it took to destroy it. I've done it already. Had a chance, and let myself fuck it up... watched myself fuck it up. Part of me sit's back with a smile while the other half of me is screaming inside, "why can't I just let things be!"

All I used to want was a Husband that loved me, Kids that I loved so much I couldn't bear it, House that felt like a home.

I don't even think any of that happens anymore.
People falling in love...
This world is too fucked up to bring kids into...
I can't even remember what "home" feels like half the time....

"The heart dies a slow death,
Shedding its hope like
Leaves.

Until one day there
Are none
Left."

Sometimes I really hate memories...

It's like one second I'm sitting here totally fine and something will happen, a certain smell, part of a movie, the way I'm sitting...

Something, anything... and I'll be back in the past. A moment that made me so comfortable back then, something that made me smile... for an instant I feel that all over again. I try to stay in that moment, but as soon as I realize its just a memory, I'm ripped out of it and thrown back into "now".

That happened just now, sitting on the couch. I feel like my heart was trying to tear itself from my body. It doesn't want to be me anymore... I'm too damaged now. Fuck. I don't even wanna be me anymore. The weight of my memories crush me. I can't breathe when they come back.

I was reading This entry on my blog (link). I never really think about writing, it just comes to me. But reading that blog from over a year ago...wow. Putting my feelings into written words was never really a problem for me.

I remember exactly how I was feeling that day... That moment.

I think the last couple of years I've been through ALOT. I'm trying so hard to make it all better now. I'm still scared, and it saddens me a bit to realize that my heart is harder than it used to be. I doubt it will ever be as easy for someone to reach it now as it was then.

Reading some of those old entries makes me want to hate Oliver for what he did to me, for what he put me through. There were things he did to make me love him more. Orange Juice. I don't know how he ever noticed. Did I tell him? Or did he pick up on it on his own? Either way. It'll be years before anyone ever knows how I like my Orange Juice. I want to hate him for the small things he has taken away from me. Things no one else will ever notice about me. But he knew them, and that's the thing. As much as I want to hate him for not fighting for me, I was so empty by the end that I probably lost all of what I used to be anyways. I fear that so much it completely consumes what hatred I would have. I don't hate him. I don't *anything* him. He gave up on me, but it's okay because I had given up on myself long before he gave up on me.

I feel weird about that...the fact that I'm okay with "Goodbye" and in a sense watching him walk away from everything we used to have together and the future we had planned... Because now I know that I didn't ever really give up on myself. I just lost me in all the darkness I was feeling. Sometimes I still feel that, so much pain and darkness that I can't even breathe. Only sometimes...

"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the time we (talked)... "

Does it even matter that I thought my life was going in a different direction than it is now? God! Was I so stupid for thinking that he really did want to marry me? FUCK!

"I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself
But you know that I could crush you with my voice"

It feels like shit being so wortheless to someone you cared about so much. And the roughest part is no one understands. We were getting a fucking house... I was about to move away from my life as I know it. I would have given EVERYTHING for him. But I'm not even worth it.
"Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing"

Is it so bad that I don't even wanna deal with anyone anymore? I just wanna go back to my bed, and not deal with today. I'm so lonely... hahaha, and I'm constantly surrounded by people. People that I don't want to know how weak I really feel.

"I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret
My pen is the barrel of the gun. Remind me which side you should be on"


I want somone to hold me and make me feel good again. I want someone to look at me and smile just because it's good to be around me. I want someone to be there when I feel lost and let me know that I'm heading in a direction that is okay...

"I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel."