"Just a dream..."

Just when I think my life is perfect, the nightmares infect me. 

I suppose some wouldn't call them nightmares. But, I can't stop them, I don't want them, and I hate the sadness that accompanies them. So that's what I call them, "nightmares".

The feeling lingers throughout the day. I drive to work in silence. Lose myself in thought at random moments in the day. I think I'd like to scream, just to see if it will shake me out of this. 

"...and it felt like a bullet in her heart"

Puppy Love

Letting Kojak go is the hardest thing I've done in a while. I never really thought about how hard it would be. It's like he died, but I know he's out there alive and well laying in a sun spot on the floor or playing with his favorite toy. It's worse than if he died.

How long before I get over it that Kojak isn't mine anymore?

I can't remember the last time I felt this good about a path I had chosen... It just feels so right.

It's sad knowing that even though everything you have is wonderful it's still not what you wanted.

New Year, same self.

There are days that the wind will blow my hair in a certain way, I'll close my eyes and remember standing on that fence with my arms out to the side, watching you smile, feeling the wind at my back... One perfect moment.

It's sad that after this long I still know the shape of your skin...how can I dream about you without even seeing your face?

"If I knew you could hear me I would say, 'Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch'."

...

I had a dream about you...

I can't even explain what that is like, I cried when I woke up because I realized it wasn't real. If I could have gone back to that moment, God, I would have given anything... almost anything.

Is it enough to know I'd give up what I have now? That is more than I ever had... I'd let it all go just to have that look in your eyes again.

Today my workout felt worthless and it was pissing me off, on the elliptical I was going as fast as I could at the resistance I was on and I just could not get to my target Heart Rate. I tried to raise the resistance and my legs just felt dead. I wanted to give up.

It's really depressing to know that all the work I have done in the last month: gym (minimum 4x's/week up to 6x's/week), cutting back on drinking, and watching what I eat... I only lost two pounds.

Today, it doesn't even feel worth it :(

I am super excited right now. 5.7.9 back together again. I think it's been 6 years since the 3 of us last saw each other. Wow. thought about them a lot this year. may 7th was our day :) I think we had big plans for getting together. In high school you think that it will be easy to do things like that. we didn't realize that we'd each go our ways. Some move, and some stay. Me, I couldn't make up my mind on where I wanted to be. Lol, still can't. But I am happy here, and even happier that I get to see them tonight!

oh, yeah... Puppy Puppy Pinball! hahaha

I don't even know where the last month and a half has gone...

what the fuck is wrong

what the fuck is wrong with places around here. you should be allowed to have a dog on a patio anywhere!

Can life be different for

Can life be different for just a minute?

It's really a small world.

It's really a small world.

I had the weirdest dream again. HE was in it. This time he had a little boy. I asked how old his son was. "six years and six months". First I wondered if it was mine. Then I remembered things don't work that way. then I was mad. Had he cheated on me? Still the whole time I thought maybe I had missed something in my memory and it really was mine. Crazy.

i wonder what other people dream about. brian says he dreams about falling and stuff. "nothing real". Not me though. I dream about "real" stuff all the time. At least things that used to be real. I took a nap today, and dreamt about him. The one that nothing has been the same since... Will I always remember his face? I feel like I could never forget... no matter how hard i try to

All I ever wanted was to be a firefighter...

I'm sad now that football season is over. Can i hibernate, like a bear, til next season?