I don’t know what I felt like writing... I was thinking about how it was when Oliver was in Afghanistan. The nights I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep, and the days that I pretended like everything was okay. The people that surround me in my life are oblivious to the pain I went though. I think back to those months he was gone fighting in Operation Enduring Freedom. That time tore me apart, broke my spirit and pierced my soul. I will never heal from that. The worst part is I know parts of me are different now, things I would never have changed in myself are lost forever. And he is going to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom surely if I have to go though what I went through with Operation Enduring Freedom I will not make it and I’m scared of that.

I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.

No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.

I'm always alone when I need someone the most...