looking back on what I went though while oliver was in afghanistan... Every day I have with him is bringing me closer to disaster. Every hug and every kiss is closing my fate. I'm gonna break when he leaves. I look in his eyes and he doesn't know the pain I am going though. Its already like this for me because I know what is going to happen in a couple months. I've been down this road before. How do people live though this. How did I live though it? I think about it and I ache. I'm exhausted already.

I used to sit there and stare at his picture. whispering his name even though he'd never hear. Cry quiet enough that no one knew I was crying and each day I would die all over again. Then I'd be home alone and screaming and no one knew what I was going though each moment I was awake.

I'm scared. I'm honestly scared.