Why is it that even when I am exhausted I can't sleep?

I want Oliver to be back. I want him to never have to leave me again... But I know in my heart that I cannot have what I desire most. Soon he’ll be going to Iraq and I’ll be left to face my demons alone… again.

“I dream ahead to what I hope for…”
What I hope for? I know that but does he? “How can this love be a good thing, when I know what I'm going through?” I don’t know how to make it through this next deployment, I don’t know how I made it though the first one. I am the only one that knows the thoughts that went though my mind at the darkest parts of the night. I don’t blame that on anyone really. Even now no one knows how hard it was. “And no matter how hard I try, I can't escape these things inside I know…”

I ask myself questions like “why can’t I sleep?” but I realize the answer… My thoughts are what’s keeping me awake. All these ‘thought balls’ bouncing around in my mind. I recognize this feeling now, I went through this for 8 months and soon enough it will begin again.

“When all the pieces fall apart,
You will be the only one who knows.”