They think they're closest to me but really they don't know the real me. Would it be so bad to hurt my friends a little if I get my own happiness...?
Friday, September 23, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
it's getting sohard for me to sleep at night... again.
I'm having dreams about being in airports and not getting on the plane and ALL I want is to be with Oliver. Anymore I wake up all the time at night no matter how tired I am and I stare at the cieling for hours before falling asleep even when I'm exhausted. Why can't I just figure things out? What did I do to deserve this life that I am leading?
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I don’t know what I felt like writing... I was thinking about how it was when Oliver was in Afghanistan. The nights I laid in my bed and cried myself to sleep, and the days that I pretended like everything was okay. The people that surround me in my life are oblivious to the pain I went though. I think back to those months he was gone fighting in Operation Enduring Freedom. That time tore me apart, broke my spirit and pierced my soul. I will never heal from that. The worst part is I know parts of me are different now, things I would never have changed in myself are lost forever. And he is going to fight in Operation Iraqi Freedom surely if I have to go though what I went through with Operation Enduring Freedom I will not make it and I’m scared of that.
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
I have six months until he goes to Iraq. I only wish I knew what to do with it. I try to tell myself that I am in Phoenix so I can pay off all my shit by the time he is back from Iraq. Then part of me whispers, “what if he doesn’t come back?” I yell back, “HE WILL COME BACK!” and my own reply is “but what if he doesn’t…” …Then I have wasted six months being away from him when I could have had him the whole time.
No one could possibly comprehend the contradictions that I face in myself.
I'm always alone when I need someone the most...
Monday, September 19, 2005
i wish i would have stayed in hawaii
the shit i go through here is just fucking stupid. i'm tired of stupid fucking shit. i hate my life. i wish it would just end.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
traffic school sucks ass!
holy hell, i haven't been this bored in a hell of a long time. before lunch i kept falling asleep. i'm trying so hard to not fall asleep. dear God save me!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
"Wake Me Up When September Ends"
...Summer has come and past, the innocent can never last...
I'm tired. Everything about me is exhausted. This song is all me right now. I wish I could sleep until things were better. Flying home from Hawaii last night I realized, I FEEL SO EMPTY. I'm lost and I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. I just want to be held, and I can't have that.
I watched the ocean basked in moonlight from the window of the airplane last night. From way up there it looked so calm almost like it was sleeping. But I know the truth about the ocean, it's looks are so decieving. And I know that the ocean is like me. The things people think of me are so different from the way I am. I wish that someone knew the real me. And I wonder if anyone will ever know the real me.
foxtrot uniform charlie kilo
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Never Forget the Fallen Heroes
Dedicated to those who have lost thier lives in 9/11, Operation Enduring Freedom, and Operation Iraqi Freedom
, and 1/3 Charlie 
. I miss you all, come home soon.
Friday, September 09, 2005
i'm too drunk and Oliver left me
at the e-club and i'm a bit lots standing in he bathroom. think i'll wander around and get more drunk. this is so different from what i'm used to back home.
Friday, September 02, 2005
airports
is it just me or do people act differently in airports than normally? i dont know if i'm different here or not. i'm happy to see oliver, more relieved than ever
Monday, August 29, 2005
So far it's been 307days 4 hours and 39minutes since I last saw him... I can't even explain the things I have gone through in those days. The worst pain I've ever felt, More fear than anyone should have to deal with and so much stress the amount of medication I would need should sedate me for over a year. But last Friday when I found out I'd get to see him, part of me just felt lighter. I don't even know what to think. It's like all this last (almost) year I had so much stress and I was so scared, I barely slept... Afraid of what dreams may come. But now I feel at ease, and I want to sleep I wanna catch up on it before the feeling comes back. I'm not scared of my dreams now. I want them.
I'll see him Friday.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
WOTW: "Honestly"
For all the mom's out there...
Hello Operator, does Heaven have a phone number?
Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away,
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book.
Is heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call
For all the mom's out there...
Hello Operator, does Heaven have a phone number?
Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down, I need her right away,
Operator can you tell me how to find her in this book.
Is heaven in the yellow part, I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too, at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words, I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know
Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
i got beat up and lost my job!
what kind of managers would fire someone because they got jumped. fucking assholes. goes to show how shady black angus really is. i feel bad for people there.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
my first pool tournament...
i've never entered one. it's 9 ball and i'm okay at that. not good enough for tournament. we'll see how it goes. wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
I managed to stay bored ALL day Long...
so I did this.
1. What songs are you playing now, or wish you were playing?
‘Summer Girl’ Jessica Andrews – I wanna hear “Gotta be Something More” Sugarland or “Mississippi Girl” Faith Hill
2. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
Negative Ghost Rider
3. Do you want a baby?
No. My jeep and My cat are my babies.
4. What does your dad do for a living?
Works and Intel and Air Force Reservist.
5. What does your mom do for a living?
Accountant, has her own business
6. What is your pet's name?
Chewbaca (my older cat) and Fidelis (almost a year old)
7. What was the last concert you attended?
Flogging Molly – April 9th 2004 (I know, it’s been a long time)
8. What was the last movie you saw?
In Theatres: “Wedding Crashers”, watched “Calendar Girls” earlier today though
9. Who do you dislike most at this moment?
I don’t know… Lots of people I feel animosity towards at this exact moment, but I can’t choose
10. What was the last TV show you watched?
Viva La Bam (fucking love this show, two episodes back to back, second one is on right now.
11. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
My toe ring that I got in Mexico on the beach for 5 dollars (hahaha)
12. What was the last thing you ate?
A bowl of soup then an Otter Pop (yum)
13. When was the last time you cut your hair?
January (Yes, pathetic I know… thought about getting it done today)
14. Do you have a mental disease?
No, but Sometimes I’ve wondered if I have drank myself stupid
15. What is your favorite frozen treat?
Just vanilla ice-cream… (Breyer’s)
16. What's your favorite store?
I hate shopping, but I like Victoria Secret
17. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Sometimes yes, and sometimes no.
Monday, August 08, 2005
i'm tired
anytime i do something for someone else it's never enough... nothing is enough. i'm tired of it and tired of people. wish i could leave and start over.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
'good times, good times.'
i fucking love hanging out with people i went to high school with. thats what i miss most about my past. high school and sports. wish i could in back. :(
Thursday, August 04, 2005
WOTW
I haven't had a WOTW (word of the week) in a hell of a long time. But I was in the shower shaving my legs and I saw two bruises on my right leg. One on my lower calf and one mid thigh. I thought to myself "Oh my GOD! those things are MASSIVE!"
Then laughed cause it's like the 3rd or 4th time I've used the word 'massive' in the last day and a half.
So here... WOTW: Massive
I haven't had a WOTW (word of the week) in a hell of a long time. But I was in the shower shaving my legs and I saw two bruises on my right leg. One on my lower calf and one mid thigh. I thought to myself "Oh my GOD! those things are MASSIVE!"
Then laughed cause it's like the 3rd or 4th time I've used the word 'massive' in the last day and a half.
So here... WOTW: Massive
well this sucks
so i'm at the bar... ladies night. and all my friends are talking to guys. not me though. chillin alone. guess it's cool. just sucks. :(
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
time
i feel like im running circles i want something to change in my life i want to break free i want to be happy and loved i want to not feel lonely and lost. how?