It’s weird how there are people that walk into your life and something about them shows you that the world is not completely dark anymore... People have told me in the last two weeks that I smile more and I seem different.

My world has been dark for a long time. I think about how long it's been this way and I wanna cry. I can't pinpoint the exact event where everything became this way. It was more like a series of events, each that happened took my light away one fragment at a time.

August 23rd 2004: I left Hawaii...I watched Ollie drive away from the airport while I stood there crying. I think back on it, my memory, He gave me a hug and a kiss. Told me he loved me and kissed me. Lit a cigarette, walked away and didn't look back. Crying so hard all alone listening to Whiskey Lullaby...I could hear myself in that song.

October 19th-26th 2004: after August until now, darkness. I really try to remember things between these two points but really I just draw blanks. I spent this week in Rhode Island. I remember all of it. It shines like the sun in my memory. I love the East Coast. The weather was cold but I love it. Everything about that week was great. Daily walks to Starbucks, walking Cinder to the park and running back, getting yelled at for tickling each other and horsing around, swinging on the tree swing in the back yard. I remember standing next to him at the airport. His plane was scheduled to leave 2hours before mine. Took a picture of him before he boarded. Same thing again. Gave me a kiss, said goodbye and he loved me smiled and told me not to worry, then he got on the plane and didn’t look back. I don’t know why, he was always like that. Never looked back. I wonder if that makes it easier. I’ve always been the one to watch people leave, never the one to have a chance to look back. I got on my plane and cried in every airport I was in, and drank my bottle of whiskey on every plane I was on, slept as much as I could because my heart ached too much when I was awake. I remember on the 2nd plane looking out at the clouds and seeing this huge dark chasm in the clouds, all so beautiful and white. It almost calmed me to watch the clouds then suddenly darkness the size of the Grand Canyon then I started noticing all the other little dark patches in this scene of serenity, before long all I noticed was the darkness in the clouds… these clouds that day were like me.

Stare for a little while and maybe I’m beautiful and peaceful maybe I look happy. I worry that if someone looks long enough they will see the darkness in me. I wondered if the broken pieces of my heart would heal and I’d have all these “scars on my heart” or if they would just break away and eventually I’d just be empty. I still don’t know. I think its scars.

January 5th 2005: I find out that Frankie and Brain died December 16th in the Al Anbar Province on Iraq. I think of Frankie and I’m sure he’s in heaven. His smile was so bright. One more fragment of light gone from my life. I remember BBQ-ing with Kilo and he called me from Okinawa, told me he’d write and call back with his address. He died before he got the chance.

January 29th 2005: I hear about the helicopter crash on my way to work. All I know at first is Marines, but I had no idea where from. I find out later that they were Marines from Kaneohe Bay. I get home later that evening and find out that 4 of my friends died in that crash. Nate, Gibbs, Grimes, and Allan… I swear it’s like someone was walking around and turning lights off around me.

My memories fade in and out from then. I got one letter from Oliver back in February. I think about him a lot even though he isn’t mine anymore. I just pray for their safety. 3/3 Kilo, I want so badly to know they are all going to be safe and in one piece when they get back to Hawaii.

I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way I am... I never look for it, but I think it would do me good.

Does that even make sense?