I don't want to be alone anymore. The things that go on in my life are becoming too much for me to face by myself. I used to be so strong and now all I feel inside of me is weakness, it's infecting me and I can't figure out how to reverse it.

Oliver called me tonight. I don't know what it was that made him call but I anwered anyways. Asked what he was doing he said he'd just got home from the bar (I'm sure he was drunk). He asked what I was doing, I'd just gotten home from work half an hour prior to his call. And out of no where he says. "I'm sorry Jonya. It's my fault, it's all my fault. I'm such an ass." Probably took him half a minute to say... Half a minute to completly break me. Instantly following his apology I burst into tears. After minutes of me sobbing silently I hear his breathing change. I can tell he's now talking to me lying on his bed. My thoughts in my head at this time are how I know all these little things about him. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat alone are the sole comforts I have. How I used to watch him sleep. Then I'd curl up next him and just listen to him sleep. Sometimes I'd put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. Used to be my favorite 2 sounds in the world...

He fell asleep somewhere around us being on the phone for 10minutes. And I sat there crying and listening to him sleep. I kept asking myself "why?" I have a lot of answers for that: I think because of how much I missed hearing it. This sound is no longer mine to listen to and I doubt I will ever hear it again. I was trying to hold on to memories of us because of how I felt while we were together. I couldn't stand to be alone.

I listened to him sleep for 40 minutes. The whole time telling myself "In 5 minutes I'm going to hang up." Tick-tock-tick-tock... Five minutes would come and go, and I'd tell myself the same thing again. It wasn't until he rolled over or something and I couldn't hear him breathing anymore that I hung up. I probably would have listened until I too fell asleep.

But now I am scared to sleep, afraid of the dreams I will have in the wake of the time I spent on the phone with him. I can't dream about him... It's too hard for me, but this my subconcious does not know. So I will unwillingly suffer though more than I have already been though.