I was thinking tonight of all the things I've gone through in the last year, reading some of my old blogs. I dunno, it's weird. Like I feel upset alot because so much bad has happened this year and no one here seems to really give a shit that I'm not exactly happy when I should be.
I thought about that. and I wondered "why?"
is it me? is it in my head? I always hear people complaining to me. "oh, *this* is going wrong for me, and everything about *this* sucks...blah blah blah" I'm getting really tired of it. I don't bitch to my friends about how the guy I was head over heals for got shipped to Afghanistan, or how I've had six (SIX!!!) friends die overseas in the last half a year, or how everynight I can't sleep because all I do is stay awake wondering how things would be if Oliver never left would my life been different... Their problems seem so stupid and childish compared to mine.
I wonder if that makes me a selfish person... I don't bother my friends or even my family with my problems because either they wont be able to comprehend the pain I go through everyday, or they'll know the real me. No one has known her for a long time, and I'd rather keep her hidden. It's just easier to do that.
I'd rather cry alone than have everyone know how weak I sometimes am...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
It's a nice night out tonight. Kinda weird, I swear it smelled like rain when I got out of work. Not a cloud in the sky though. It's a full moon too, I like full moons. Nothing really to write about. I hope that tonight I sleep better than "last night" considering I couldn't fall asleep until 7 this morning.
I don't know that I've said that in a while... "I hope", huh.
Well tomorrow I get to go pay the rest of my phone bill. oddly enough I feel kinda empty without having my phone on. I guess it's not really odd. It's my lifeline to my friends. Wow! taht sounds so dumb.
I don't know that I've said that in a while... "I hope", huh.
Well tomorrow I get to go pay the rest of my phone bill. oddly enough I feel kinda empty without having my phone on. I guess it's not really odd. It's my lifeline to my friends. Wow! taht sounds so dumb.
Monday, May 23, 2005
It’s weird how there are people that walk into your life and something about them shows you that the world is not completely dark anymore... People have told me in the last two weeks that I smile more and I seem different.
My world has been dark for a long time. I think about how long it's been this way and I wanna cry. I can't pinpoint the exact event where everything became this way. It was more like a series of events, each that happened took my light away one fragment at a time.
August 23rd 2004: I left Hawaii...I watched Ollie drive away from the airport while I stood there crying. I think back on it, my memory, He gave me a hug and a kiss. Told me he loved me and kissed me. Lit a cigarette, walked away and didn't look back. Crying so hard all alone listening to Whiskey Lullaby...I could hear myself in that song.
October 19th-26th 2004: after August until now, darkness. I really try to remember things between these two points but really I just draw blanks. I spent this week in Rhode Island. I remember all of it. It shines like the sun in my memory. I love the East Coast. The weather was cold but I love it. Everything about that week was great. Daily walks to Starbucks, walking Cinder to the park and running back, getting yelled at for tickling each other and horsing around, swinging on the tree swing in the back yard. I remember standing next to him at the airport. His plane was scheduled to leave 2hours before mine. Took a picture of him before he boarded. Same thing again. Gave me a kiss, said goodbye and he loved me smiled and told me not to worry, then he got on the plane and didn’t look back. I don’t know why, he was always like that. Never looked back. I wonder if that makes it easier. I’ve always been the one to watch people leave, never the one to have a chance to look back. I got on my plane and cried in every airport I was in, and drank my bottle of whiskey on every plane I was on, slept as much as I could because my heart ached too much when I was awake. I remember on the 2nd plane looking out at the clouds and seeing this huge dark chasm in the clouds, all so beautiful and white. It almost calmed me to watch the clouds then suddenly darkness the size of the Grand Canyon then I started noticing all the other little dark patches in this scene of serenity, before long all I noticed was the darkness in the clouds… these clouds that day were like me.
Stare for a little while and maybe I’m beautiful and peaceful maybe I look happy. I worry that if someone looks long enough they will see the darkness in me. I wondered if the broken pieces of my heart would heal and I’d have all these “scars on my heart” or if they would just break away and eventually I’d just be empty. I still don’t know. I think its scars.
January 5th 2005: I find out that Frankie and Brain died December 16th in the Al Anbar Province on Iraq. I think of Frankie and I’m sure he’s in heaven. His smile was so bright. One more fragment of light gone from my life. I remember BBQ-ing with Kilo and he called me from Okinawa, told me he’d write and call back with his address. He died before he got the chance.
January 29th 2005: I hear about the helicopter crash on my way to work. All I know at first is Marines, but I had no idea where from. I find out later that they were Marines from Kaneohe Bay. I get home later that evening and find out that 4 of my friends died in that crash. Nate, Gibbs, Grimes, and Allan… I swear it’s like someone was walking around and turning lights off around me.
My memories fade in and out from then. I got one letter from Oliver back in February. I think about him a lot even though he isn’t mine anymore. I just pray for their safety. 3/3 Kilo, I want so badly to know they are all going to be safe and in one piece when they get back to Hawaii.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way I am... I never look for it, but I think it would do me good.
Does that even make sense?
My world has been dark for a long time. I think about how long it's been this way and I wanna cry. I can't pinpoint the exact event where everything became this way. It was more like a series of events, each that happened took my light away one fragment at a time.
August 23rd 2004: I left Hawaii...I watched Ollie drive away from the airport while I stood there crying. I think back on it, my memory, He gave me a hug and a kiss. Told me he loved me and kissed me. Lit a cigarette, walked away and didn't look back. Crying so hard all alone listening to Whiskey Lullaby...I could hear myself in that song.
October 19th-26th 2004: after August until now, darkness. I really try to remember things between these two points but really I just draw blanks. I spent this week in Rhode Island. I remember all of it. It shines like the sun in my memory. I love the East Coast. The weather was cold but I love it. Everything about that week was great. Daily walks to Starbucks, walking Cinder to the park and running back, getting yelled at for tickling each other and horsing around, swinging on the tree swing in the back yard. I remember standing next to him at the airport. His plane was scheduled to leave 2hours before mine. Took a picture of him before he boarded. Same thing again. Gave me a kiss, said goodbye and he loved me smiled and told me not to worry, then he got on the plane and didn’t look back. I don’t know why, he was always like that. Never looked back. I wonder if that makes it easier. I’ve always been the one to watch people leave, never the one to have a chance to look back. I got on my plane and cried in every airport I was in, and drank my bottle of whiskey on every plane I was on, slept as much as I could because my heart ached too much when I was awake. I remember on the 2nd plane looking out at the clouds and seeing this huge dark chasm in the clouds, all so beautiful and white. It almost calmed me to watch the clouds then suddenly darkness the size of the Grand Canyon then I started noticing all the other little dark patches in this scene of serenity, before long all I noticed was the darkness in the clouds… these clouds that day were like me.
Stare for a little while and maybe I’m beautiful and peaceful maybe I look happy. I worry that if someone looks long enough they will see the darkness in me. I wondered if the broken pieces of my heart would heal and I’d have all these “scars on my heart” or if they would just break away and eventually I’d just be empty. I still don’t know. I think its scars.
January 5th 2005: I find out that Frankie and Brain died December 16th in the Al Anbar Province on Iraq. I think of Frankie and I’m sure he’s in heaven. His smile was so bright. One more fragment of light gone from my life. I remember BBQ-ing with Kilo and he called me from Okinawa, told me he’d write and call back with his address. He died before he got the chance.
January 29th 2005: I hear about the helicopter crash on my way to work. All I know at first is Marines, but I had no idea where from. I find out later that they were Marines from Kaneohe Bay. I get home later that evening and find out that 4 of my friends died in that crash. Nate, Gibbs, Grimes, and Allan… I swear it’s like someone was walking around and turning lights off around me.
My memories fade in and out from then. I got one letter from Oliver back in February. I think about him a lot even though he isn’t mine anymore. I just pray for their safety. 3/3 Kilo, I want so badly to know they are all going to be safe and in one piece when they get back to Hawaii.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way I am... I never look for it, but I think it would do me good.
Does that even make sense?
Friday, April 08, 2005
I think I know why I don't write so much.
I'm sitting here and all I think about is Oliver. The one constant thought in my life is him. Days go by for me, but they all blend together. I look at my 'countdown' on my phone, which really is more of a 'count-up' for me. I last saw him 163 days 21 hours and 31 minutes ago. The last time I heard his voice is 2 weeks and 2 days less than that.
That 'countdown' is the only way I know time is actually passing... Another day, another hour, another minute, it all feels the same to me. Same memories of the day before: Sleep, work, hang out, sleep, work, hang out.
I can't believe it's April already. My last solid memories were in Rhode Island, before that in Hawaii. I've never felt so NUMB in Arizona. This place was always where I thought I belonged, it's never felt so wrong to me as it has since I came back from Hawaii, I think I'd feel the same there though.
It's so hard. I have all these memories of him, I dream of him like I'll see him when I wake up... But he's so many thousands of miles away. I think of him and wonder what he'll do or say the next time I see him. How much longer will that be?
2:36am right now and I can't fucking sleep because all I do when I lay there is stare at the ceiling head on his USMC sweater and hand on his dog tags around my neck... I hate this time of night, no one around or awake to help keep my thoughts from wandering to him.
I'm sitting here and all I think about is Oliver. The one constant thought in my life is him. Days go by for me, but they all blend together. I look at my 'countdown' on my phone, which really is more of a 'count-up' for me. I last saw him 163 days 21 hours and 31 minutes ago. The last time I heard his voice is 2 weeks and 2 days less than that.
That 'countdown' is the only way I know time is actually passing... Another day, another hour, another minute, it all feels the same to me. Same memories of the day before: Sleep, work, hang out, sleep, work, hang out.
I can't believe it's April already. My last solid memories were in Rhode Island, before that in Hawaii. I've never felt so NUMB in Arizona. This place was always where I thought I belonged, it's never felt so wrong to me as it has since I came back from Hawaii, I think I'd feel the same there though.
It's so hard. I have all these memories of him, I dream of him like I'll see him when I wake up... But he's so many thousands of miles away. I think of him and wonder what he'll do or say the next time I see him. How much longer will that be?
2:36am right now and I can't fucking sleep because all I do when I lay there is stare at the ceiling head on his USMC sweater and hand on his dog tags around my neck... I hate this time of night, no one around or awake to help keep my thoughts from wandering to him.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Saturday, February 12, 2005
well it's February 12th now, and seemingly this month is going better than the last. I still haven't heard from most of the people I'd like to hear from. I'm worried that I'm running out of time. My court date is Feb. 14th (lucky me...already hated V-day) After I take care of all of that I plan on signing my military contract ASAP.
wish me luck
wish me luck
Saturday, January 29, 2005
In my mind I hope that things will get better after this month is over. Kind of how people think things will change after the New Year. So much has gone wrong in my life this month.
I’ve learned of the deaths of 6 of my friends this month alone. 2 of the 6 had died in December (Franklin Sweger & Brian Medina). The other four died earlier this week (Nathan Moore, Tim Gibson, and Kyle Grimes, Allan Klein) Some I was closer to than others. But all of them I have had good laughs and great times with.
How many more can I handle?
I’m worried and scared. And above all I just want to know that the rest of my friends are safe. Come home soon guys. Be safe, you don’t need those metals. All they are is something in a box that you’ll be proud of for a bit (if you’re alive to actually receive it) and then you’ll pack it away and let it collect dust. You’re already heroes. Don’t try to be one anymore than that.
I’ve learned of the deaths of 6 of my friends this month alone. 2 of the 6 had died in December (Franklin Sweger & Brian Medina). The other four died earlier this week (Nathan Moore, Tim Gibson, and Kyle Grimes, Allan Klein) Some I was closer to than others. But all of them I have had good laughs and great times with.
How many more can I handle?
I’m worried and scared. And above all I just want to know that the rest of my friends are safe. Come home soon guys. Be safe, you don’t need those metals. All they are is something in a box that you’ll be proud of for a bit (if you’re alive to actually receive it) and then you’ll pack it away and let it collect dust. You’re already heroes. Don’t try to be one anymore than that.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
FRANKIE is dead now... he shouldn't have even been there. 1/3 is supposed to be on MEU. For christ sake he's 24...
Frankie: I miss you, I know youre in heaven now. Thank you for what youve done. Im glad I had the chance to know you.
Frankie: I miss you, I know youre in heaven now. Thank you for what youve done. Im glad I had the chance to know you.
Friday, December 17, 2004
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Especially because it's Thanksgiving, I think everyone should take a moment and visit this webpage to HONOR THE FALLEN
I have a lot to be thankful for.
MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...
But most of all My freedom.
Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.
I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.
I miss you guys. Please be safe.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...
But most of all My freedom.
Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.
I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.
I miss you guys. Please be safe.
Monday, November 22, 2004
I can't explain the feeling in my heart every time I read the Hawaii Paper and it says "Kane'ohe Marine Died" I'm so scared, so scared, and I just want them to be okay. Whether its the guys I hung out with in 1/3 or the when the day comes that 3/3 is in the paper. I never wanna read one of their names.
Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?
Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...
Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.
One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)
Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey
Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?
Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...
Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.
One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)
Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey
Thursday, November 18, 2004
I don't live in Hawai'i anymore, but it's pretty much the only newspaper I read. Sometimes I'm scared of what I'll see on their headlines. All my friends from Hawaii that are in the Marine Corps are either in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Kuwait. I know the guys from 1/3 are in Fallujah... And 3/3... Killer Kilo huh? Afghanistan, and I dont even know where there. I love those boys like brothers, and I just want Ollie to be safe.
Every day I read that paper and I'm scared that one day I'll see a name I know on this list...
Hawai'i-based Marines killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Jeremy D. Bow
Lance Cpl. David M. Branning
Lance Cpl. John T. Byrd II
Lance Cpl. Travis A. Fox
Pfc. John Lukac
Cpl. Christopher J. Lapka
Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina
Sgt. Rafael Peralta
Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering
Lance Cpl. Andrew G. Riedel
Lance Cpl. Michael P. Scarborough
Lance Cpl. Richard P. Slocum
Petty Officer Julian Woods
Please be safe guys. I wish with all my heart that I could hold Ollie again and just tell him everything I never told him...Baby you have to be safe and come home soon...
Don't be a hero
Every day I read that paper and I'm scared that one day I'll see a name I know on this list...
Hawai'i-based Marines killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Jeremy D. Bow
Lance Cpl. David M. Branning
Lance Cpl. John T. Byrd II
Lance Cpl. Travis A. Fox
Pfc. John Lukac
Cpl. Christopher J. Lapka
Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina
Sgt. Rafael Peralta
Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering
Lance Cpl. Andrew G. Riedel
Lance Cpl. Michael P. Scarborough
Lance Cpl. Richard P. Slocum
Petty Officer Julian Woods
Please be safe guys. I wish with all my heart that I could hold Ollie again and just tell him everything I never told him...Baby you have to be safe and come home soon...
Don't be a hero
Thursday, November 11, 2004
I think the hardest part about today is not knowing. I don't know when I will see Oliver again, or hear his voice again. Will he come back home, will he come back to me. The uncertainty of our future drives me insane. And I'm never strong enough to ask questions. Soon it will be too late.
It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.
I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.
I'm so exhausted.
It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.
I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.
I'm so exhausted.
Monday, November 01, 2004
Had a Fantastic dinner tonight!
Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.
I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)
I love you babe...
Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.
I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)
I love you babe...
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Today was the hardest day for me in about Two years. I remember when I was 19, thinking how stong I was. Before I'd turned 20 I learned that I wasn't as strong as I had thought. And today I am back to that. Learning my weaknesses again.
Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.
I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?
I have so many Unanswered questions.
Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.
I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?
I have so many Unanswered questions.
Friday, October 15, 2004
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I... Had a bad day again."
And I swear there's nothing wrong...
But you'll hear me play that same old song,
I'll put you off and put you on.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
"Days go by... Feels like my hand out the window as the cars drive by...
Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.
Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.
Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.
Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.