TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jonya
Birthday:	04.10.1983
Birthplace:	Phoenix, AZ
Current Location:	Phoenix, AZ
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	5'10.5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Hawaiian & Italian
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Black Adio's at work, Then Leather Sandals
Your Weakness:
Your Fears:	Being Alone
Your Perfect Pizza:	Mushrooms
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Fix my life.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	hahaha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	"ugh...why?"
Your Best Physical Feature:	my smile
Your Bedtime:	whenever I want
Your Most Missed Memory:	Swim team...high school.
Pepsi or Coke:	neither
MacDonalds or Burger King:	ick. McD's
Single or Group Dates:	group
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	doesn't matter
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	When I Drink
Do you Swear:	Fuck no!
Do you Sing:	Always
Do you Shower Daily:	99% of the time
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Yes
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	Most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No
Do you think you are Attractive:	Yes
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Mostly
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Very Much
Do you play an Instrument:	Used to play the sax, trying guitar.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Me? Never! (duh!)
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yep
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Ugh Yeah
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Not in one sitting
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Yeah
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	I think maybe...Don't know what the fuck is goin on
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Probably
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes
Ever been Beaten up:	There was this one time... but it was 3 against me
Ever Shoplifted:	Yeah
How do you want to Die:	Doing something heroic
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I don't know anymore
What country would you most like to Visit:	Scottland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Blue
Favourite Hair Color:	Black
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	6'1" atleast
Weight:	190
Best Clothing Style:	American Eagle & stuff like that
Number of Drugs I have taken:	3
Number of CDs I own:	hell if I Know
Number of Piercings:	4
Number of Tattoos:	1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	more than I can count
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

So I'm awake and thinking, (As I always am at 3am) I'm so happy that Oliver is safe now. So much stress off my shoulders. I can't handle for him to go again. it hurt so bad to have him gone. I was reading this old blog, from when I first came back home before he left. I felt so suffocated just remembering how it feels to have him there or to have him so far away.THURSDAY: Aug. 26th, 2004

He is still far away from me right now, but it's easier. It makes me smile to know that he isn't in a combat zone anymore. When I sleep now I am so much more at ease. My dreams aren't terrible like when he was gone. I wake up now and I don't feel so dead anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard to not be around him. but he is safe now, that makes it easier for me to go on with my life.

He is going home to Rhode Island tonight (as in Friday night). Soon I'll know if, or when, I get to see him while he's on leave.
***Crossing my fingers and praying for the best.***

What a crazy *feeling* week. Oliver and the boys are back home in Hawaii and will be getting leave very soon, like Friday! (yay!) Stephen got canned for being a douche and always coming in late or missing shifts (no Bueno) Talking stuff about David at work (Bueno) Christy barely even has to work this week and gets to do all kinda of stuff like go camping with the guys at the lake tomorrow and go to the water park on friday (no fair! but at least i'm making money) Brian, Ryan, Josh, Vince and the rest of the guy leave for Cozumel later this week (they are totally gonna have a blast!) And got a bad call from Casey (totally no Bueno)

Ahhhh...Tomorrow is the only day off this week that I have. I plan on sleeping all afternoon and then playing tennis with Jonny. Bastard better call me back.
I'm gonna be so freaking bored while the guys are in Cozumel. They are totally gonna have fun though, and I'm sure Christy & I will find something to keep ourselves occupied, like check the chicken coop for eggs all day long while tanning in our very own nudist colony (hahaha) That actually would be a weird sight... checking the chicken coop while tanning. hmmm, maybe we re-think that idea.

I think I'm gonna hit the sack and start my sleep fest before the sun even starts thinking of coming up. Night.

The best phone call I've ever gotten today. Oliver. I haven't heard his voice since November 11th 2004. I'd forgotten how good it sounds.

Anytime he came up when I got home, or if I thought of him, I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I'm so happy that he is safe now, and he's alive, he's heading home. It's so overwhelming to have all this in my head.

Thank you God.

At this point today/tonight I am way more drunk than I need, or want, to be. I hate boredom. and I hate waiting for things to happen (which oddly enough I find my self doing quite often)

Wish I could just sleep until something good happens to me...That'd never work though cause ya gotta do stuff to get some thing to happen, right?

Eh, these are the drunken ramblings of a lonely girl. Doesn't it suck to be me lately. (lately being the last 8.5 months, basically since I left Hawaii)

I miss Oliver so much...

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"

yeah, I sure did today. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel so stressed out, worried, exhausted and just not myself. Who am I right now? I don't know. ugh. so much going through my head and I keep it all inside and I just want someone to understand, but I dont know how to make people understand. It's not easy for people who haven't been through what I've been through.

Oliver is coming home from afghanistan soon...real soon. He gets to go home on leave again. He wants me to go. And I really want to...

I'm scared though. Will he be different? will WE be different? and the way I care for him, I've had to say 'goodbye' to him so many times already and it kills me inside evertime I have to say 'goodbye' to that boy. I feel like I die everytime. I'm so scared.

I just wish I could stop getting hurt...

GO SEE VISTALANCE!!!!!!

my body feels wrong, sore and exhaused. It's not just that...my attitude feels wrong too. I dont know whats up with me. Why am I tired but I can't sleep. I haven't been answering phone calls from my friends. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just dont have the energy for anything anymore.

I wish I could sleep.

Frankie, Brian, Nate, Allan, Grimes, and Gibson: I miss you all. I saw your pictures on tv last night. It's so hard to believe you are dead. I'd give so much to bring you back. Thank you all for what you've given for this country wich was everything you had. I love you guys...

I was thinking tonight of all the things I've gone through in the last year, reading some of my old blogs. I dunno, it's weird. Like I feel upset alot because so much bad has happened this year and no one here seems to really give a shit that I'm not exactly happy when I should be.

I thought about that. and I wondered "why?"
is it me? is it in my head? I always hear people complaining to me. "oh, *this* is going wrong for me, and everything about *this* sucks...blah blah blah" I'm getting really tired of it. I don't bitch to my friends about how the guy I was head over heals for got shipped to Afghanistan, or how I've had six (SIX!!!) friends die overseas in the last half a year, or how everynight I can't sleep because all I do is stay awake wondering how things would be if Oliver never left would my life been different... Their problems seem so stupid and childish compared to mine.

I wonder if that makes me a selfish person... I don't bother my friends or even my family with my problems because either they wont be able to comprehend the pain I go through everyday, or they'll know the real me. No one has known her for a long time, and I'd rather keep her hidden. It's just easier to do that.

I'd rather cry alone than have everyone know how weak I sometimes am...

It's a nice night out tonight. Kinda weird, I swear it smelled like rain when I got out of work. Not a cloud in the sky though. It's a full moon too, I like full moons. Nothing really to write about. I hope that tonight I sleep better than "last night" considering I couldn't fall asleep until 7 this morning.

I don't know that I've said that in a while... "I hope", huh.

Well tomorrow I get to go pay the rest of my phone bill. oddly enough I feel kinda empty without having my phone on. I guess it's not really odd. It's my lifeline to my friends. Wow! taht sounds so dumb.

It’s weird how there are people that walk into your life and something about them shows you that the world is not completely dark anymore... People have told me in the last two weeks that I smile more and I seem different.

My world has been dark for a long time. I think about how long it's been this way and I wanna cry. I can't pinpoint the exact event where everything became this way. It was more like a series of events, each that happened took my light away one fragment at a time.

August 23rd 2004: I left Hawaii...I watched Ollie drive away from the airport while I stood there crying. I think back on it, my memory, He gave me a hug and a kiss. Told me he loved me and kissed me. Lit a cigarette, walked away and didn't look back. Crying so hard all alone listening to Whiskey Lullaby...I could hear myself in that song.

October 19th-26th 2004: after August until now, darkness. I really try to remember things between these two points but really I just draw blanks. I spent this week in Rhode Island. I remember all of it. It shines like the sun in my memory. I love the East Coast. The weather was cold but I love it. Everything about that week was great. Daily walks to Starbucks, walking Cinder to the park and running back, getting yelled at for tickling each other and horsing around, swinging on the tree swing in the back yard. I remember standing next to him at the airport. His plane was scheduled to leave 2hours before mine. Took a picture of him before he boarded. Same thing again. Gave me a kiss, said goodbye and he loved me smiled and told me not to worry, then he got on the plane and didn’t look back. I don’t know why, he was always like that. Never looked back. I wonder if that makes it easier. I’ve always been the one to watch people leave, never the one to have a chance to look back. I got on my plane and cried in every airport I was in, and drank my bottle of whiskey on every plane I was on, slept as much as I could because my heart ached too much when I was awake. I remember on the 2nd plane looking out at the clouds and seeing this huge dark chasm in the clouds, all so beautiful and white. It almost calmed me to watch the clouds then suddenly darkness the size of the Grand Canyon then I started noticing all the other little dark patches in this scene of serenity, before long all I noticed was the darkness in the clouds… these clouds that day were like me.

Stare for a little while and maybe I’m beautiful and peaceful maybe I look happy. I worry that if someone looks long enough they will see the darkness in me. I wondered if the broken pieces of my heart would heal and I’d have all these “scars on my heart” or if they would just break away and eventually I’d just be empty. I still don’t know. I think its scars.

January 5th 2005: I find out that Frankie and Brain died December 16th in the Al Anbar Province on Iraq. I think of Frankie and I’m sure he’s in heaven. His smile was so bright. One more fragment of light gone from my life. I remember BBQ-ing with Kilo and he called me from Okinawa, told me he’d write and call back with his address. He died before he got the chance.

January 29th 2005: I hear about the helicopter crash on my way to work. All I know at first is Marines, but I had no idea where from. I find out later that they were Marines from Kaneohe Bay. I get home later that evening and find out that 4 of my friends died in that crash. Nate, Gibbs, Grimes, and Allan… I swear it’s like someone was walking around and turning lights off around me.

My memories fade in and out from then. I got one letter from Oliver back in February. I think about him a lot even though he isn’t mine anymore. I just pray for their safety. 3/3 Kilo, I want so badly to know they are all going to be safe and in one piece when they get back to Hawaii.

I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way I am... I never look for it, but I think it would do me good.

Does that even make sense?

I think I know why I don't write so much.

I'm sitting here and all I think about is Oliver. The one constant thought in my life is him. Days go by for me, but they all blend together. I look at my 'countdown' on my phone, which really is more of a 'count-up' for me. I last saw him 163 days 21 hours and 31 minutes ago. The last time I heard his voice is 2 weeks and 2 days less than that.

That 'countdown' is the only way I know time is actually passing... Another day, another hour, another minute, it all feels the same to me. Same memories of the day before: Sleep, work, hang out, sleep, work, hang out.

I can't believe it's April already. My last solid memories were in Rhode Island, before that in Hawaii. I've never felt so NUMB in Arizona. This place was always where I thought I belonged, it's never felt so wrong to me as it has since I came back from Hawaii, I think I'd feel the same there though.

It's so hard. I have all these memories of him, I dream of him like I'll see him when I wake up... But he's so many thousands of miles away. I think of him and wonder what he'll do or say the next time I see him. How much longer will that be?

2:36am right now and I can't fucking sleep because all I do when I lay there is stare at the ceiling head on his USMC sweater and hand on his dog tags around my neck... I hate this time of night, no one around or awake to help keep my thoughts from wandering to him.

I dont really have much to write about anymore.

But hey! it's my Birthday on Sunday! Party at the Monastary Too.

well it's February 12th now, and seemingly this month is going better than the last. I still haven't heard from most of the people I'd like to hear from. I'm worried that I'm running out of time. My court date is Feb. 14th (lucky me...already hated V-day) After I take care of all of that I plan on signing my military contract ASAP.

wish me luck

In my mind I hope that things will get better after this month is over. Kind of how people think things will change after the New Year. So much has gone wrong in my life this month.

I’ve learned of the deaths of 6 of my friends this month alone. 2 of the 6 had died in December (Franklin Sweger & Brian Medina). The other four died earlier this week (Nathan Moore, Tim Gibson, and Kyle Grimes, Allan Klein) Some I was closer to than others. But all of them I have had good laughs and great times with.

How many more can I handle?

I’m worried and scared. And above all I just want to know that the rest of my friends are safe. Come home soon guys. Be safe, you don’t need those metals. All they are is something in a box that you’ll be proud of for a bit (if you’re alive to actually receive it) and then you’ll pack it away and let it collect dust. You’re already heroes. Don’t try to be one anymore than that.

FRANKIE is dead now... he shouldn't have even been there. 1/3 is supposed to be on MEU. For christ sake he's 24...

Frankie: I miss you, I know youre in heaven now. Thank you for what youve done. Im glad I had the chance to know you.

Lani, do you ever read these?

I miss you so much... I just want you to come home.

I love you...

Not that I have one but it's about time I put something funny up here.

Your Penis Name is: 100% All-beef Thermometer

Get your own Penis Name

Especially because it's Thanksgiving, I think everyone should take a moment and visit this webpage to HONOR THE FALLEN

I have a lot to be thankful for.

MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...

But most of all My freedom.

Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.

I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.


I miss you guys. Please be safe.

I can't explain the feeling in my heart every time I read the Hawaii Paper and it says "Kane'ohe Marine Died" I'm so scared, so scared, and I just want them to be okay. Whether its the guys I hung out with in 1/3 or the when the day comes that 3/3 is in the paper. I never wanna read one of their names.

Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?

Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...

Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.

One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)

Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey