No one I know knows the pain I have gone through today. I had a dream about Frankie (my friend that died in Iraq) and since I woke up I feel like breaking down. I know none of my friends know the real me. I wanna break down so bad and be comforted. I want people to tell me that things will be fine. But I know they won't.
Last night I had this dream, and at first I only knew it was a guy in my dream. We're riding in a big white truck (I'm driving) and leaving the lake going to my house trying to beat my roommates, so we get there first. I'm in the garage and think to myself "I left the door open" He comes in and opens it more *til this point I still didn't know who the guy was * I see him in the doorway. First legs and black gym shorts (is there a reason his shorts are black?) then no shirt... then I see his face and he's smiling... Frankie. He died December 16th 2004.

I just wanna know why this dream happened. I wanna go see his grave. I miss him so bad. I miss his smile and I miss him laughing. He called me from Okinawa... That was the last time I heard his voice. He talked to me in my dream but I don't even know what he said, I can't even remember his voice.

I miss him so much.

Circle Island... That’s it Frankie.

i had a dream about Frankie last night. Hanging out with him and we were having so much fun. i miss his smile. i feel so wrong today and i just wanna breakdown.

First the boys come back from Afghanistan, then I find my wallet a couple weeks ago, now my Jeep is on it's way to getting fixed... Finally things are starting to look up. I'll try to overlook all the bad that has happened in between each of these 3 events.

I want to move. I'm going to it's just a matter of when. I know it will be East Coast. I don't know exactly where yet.

I can't wait to drive my Jeep.

Oliver called me again this morning. I know he was drunk cause he told me to meet him at Dukes. Yeah, Not really a possibility since I'm in AZ. I've been so sick I don't even sit at the computer. Haven't slept well since Sunday night.

He told me on the phone that he was depressed and even if I didn't know it I was all he ever wanted too.

When I finally woke up this morning I thought maybe this was a dream. Then I looked at my phone. 4 missed calls and 3 that I answered. 5:55, 6:52, 7:04.

Why is life so difficult? Why are people so difficult? Or is it me that is difficult?

I don't want to be alone anymore. The things that go on in my life are becoming too much for me to face by myself. I used to be so strong and now all I feel inside of me is weakness, it's infecting me and I can't figure out how to reverse it.

Oliver called me tonight. I don't know what it was that made him call but I anwered anyways. Asked what he was doing he said he'd just got home from the bar (I'm sure he was drunk). He asked what I was doing, I'd just gotten home from work half an hour prior to his call. And out of no where he says. "I'm sorry Jonya. It's my fault, it's all my fault. I'm such an ass." Probably took him half a minute to say... Half a minute to completly break me. Instantly following his apology I burst into tears. After minutes of me sobbing silently I hear his breathing change. I can tell he's now talking to me lying on his bed. My thoughts in my head at this time are how I know all these little things about him. The sound of his breathing and heartbeat alone are the sole comforts I have. How I used to watch him sleep. Then I'd curl up next him and just listen to him sleep. Sometimes I'd put my head on his chest and listen to his heart beat. Used to be my favorite 2 sounds in the world...

He fell asleep somewhere around us being on the phone for 10minutes. And I sat there crying and listening to him sleep. I kept asking myself "why?" I have a lot of answers for that: I think because of how much I missed hearing it. This sound is no longer mine to listen to and I doubt I will ever hear it again. I was trying to hold on to memories of us because of how I felt while we were together. I couldn't stand to be alone.

I listened to him sleep for 40 minutes. The whole time telling myself "In 5 minutes I'm going to hang up." Tick-tock-tick-tock... Five minutes would come and go, and I'd tell myself the same thing again. It wasn't until he rolled over or something and I couldn't hear him breathing anymore that I hung up. I probably would have listened until I too fell asleep.

But now I am scared to sleep, afraid of the dreams I will have in the wake of the time I spent on the phone with him. I can't dream about him... It's too hard for me, but this my subconcious does not know. So I will unwillingly suffer though more than I have already been though.

Song of the Day: Backstreet Boys "Incomplete"
I had a dream about Oliver last night... I can remember it so vividly. Why does my heart always get broken?
so my dream: First I'm at the beach trying to surf but Christy and I are laughing at each other because We're having trouble standing up. I just can't pop-up on the board. Then it's time to go. Beach is full of cars because some kind of Ferry came in after we got out of the water. I walk to the house cause we gotta check the chickens ASAP since they are laying 7 eggs a day now. We're house sitting for Brian, but it's a totally different house (Mike's old house) So we get to this house (it's so different inside) feed Farley and go check the chickens. One of the chickens keeps trying to take the eggs from us. Picks the egg in it's mouth and flys to the roof. I swear it talked to me, but I don't know what it said. Then I'm in the house alone. Christy is outside doing I don't know what. I hear someone knocking at the door. I open...Oliver is standing there (of course wearing my fav. outfit. Plaid-ish button up shirt with blue jeans). My first instinct is to slap him. But I just stand there. He looks at me so sad. He says to me "I'm so sorry Jonya" I don't know what to say so I just say "why?" and he tells me "I'm not right anymore. Something about me changed while I was in Afghanistan" he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't sleep at night and drinks way too much now. My heart breaks. He is what I have been since last November. I feel bad for him.
But then I wake up. It is just a dream. He'll never come knocking at my door apologizing for everything I have been though because of him. He'll never be sorry for what I have become because I cared too much about him.

Guys like him are the worst. They touch you, look at you, and talk to you like you are all they ever wanted. I should've known... but I thought he was different.


Why would you look at someone like this if you knew you were gonna hurt them? He made me feel like we were the only people on the planet. I just don't understand. Did he know what he was doing from the beginning? Or did the things that happened during our time together that made him feel so bad he didn't want to see me. It hurts more that he doesn't even talk to me. I just need to understand.

Song of the Day: 3 Doors Down "Let Me Go"
I'm sitting here by myself made myself a glass of Orange Juice and I was thinking about how I have all these little quirks that no one knows about. More than anything I wish there was someone in my life that knew these things. The Orange Juice is what started it. Until this morning no one knew that I mix my OJ with Water. Now my mom knows, only cause I told her. I don't wanna have to tell people about these little habits I have. I just want someone to be around enough to notice them.

The pain I have gone through in the last year was so unbearable at first, now I know everything I went through was in vain. Wish I could count every night I spent crying til 4am, the number of times I wasted my breath saying his name wishing by some type of magic he's hear it. Hours I spent staring at the ceiling thinking of him. No one knows these things I did while I was alone. And it was all for nothing. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want to wake up next to someone that is 'complete' because they get to wake up next to me.

i'm so irritated right now. been off work since 250 and it's 4 now. i'm sitting here fuming and about to slit my wrists purely for entertainment. why?

POTW: "I sho shoulda"
Holy crap I'm tired. Woke up hella early (for me & for a sunday) 738am. Had a great morning before work. worked a double, so now I'm exhaused. On my way home stopped and got a a 12 pack of Miller Lite (It's miller time!). So now I'm gonna have a couple beers and pass out.

I wish I could read minds. Life would be so much easier. No questioning. Wouldn't tha be nice?

DPOTP: "But I wanna fuckin' icecream cone..."

Holy Crap!!! Last night was crazy! I don't even know what to say. Swear to God I had the best Orgasm of my ENTIRE LIFE last night.

*sorry to anyone who's feelings that might've hurt. IF you have the balls, then you can call and yell at me*

It weird though. This guy does something different to me. Like, I think I've had two boyfriends my entire life that treated me respectfully. Mike was at first then he got his "God Complex" (as I like to say). I think he's got major mental issues. But anyways. 2 boyfriends that treated me like this. My 1st and 3rd boyfriends. And 8.5 years down the road, it's my first boyfriend. 8.5 YEARS later! I'm so scared to say something stupid and mess it up. He cracks me up like no other. Guys don't make me laugh like he does.

And I'm standing behind him while he playes a computer game scratching his back, and he says "God, why are you so good to me." He makes me smile, and treats me like no guy has in forever... Thats why.

meeting (or re-meeting) guys

On Meeting (or Re-Meeting) guys:

I've totally been in those relationships where your both too young and just wonder if it'd be different if it could've been later on down the road. I wonder...

i'm lazy today

I'm lazy today and my song is on 'making memories of us' totally brightened my day. maybe now i'll get off my ass and start doing something.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jonya
Birthday:	04.10.1983
Birthplace:	Phoenix, AZ
Current Location:	Phoenix, AZ
Eye Color:	Brown
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	5'10.5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Hawaiian & Italian
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Black Adio's at work, Then Leather Sandals
Your Weakness:
Your Fears:	Being Alone
Your Perfect Pizza:	Mushrooms
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Fix my life.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	hahaha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	"ugh...why?"
Your Best Physical Feature:	my smile
Your Bedtime:	whenever I want
Your Most Missed Memory:	Swim team...high school.
Pepsi or Coke:	neither
MacDonalds or Burger King:	ick. McD's
Single or Group Dates:	group
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	doesn't matter
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	When I Drink
Do you Swear:	Fuck no!
Do you Sing:	Always
Do you Shower Daily:	99% of the time
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Yes
Do you want to get Married:	Yes
Do you belive in yourself:	Most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No
Do you think you are Attractive:	Yes
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Mostly
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Very Much
Do you play an Instrument:	Used to play the sax, trying guitar.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Me? Never! (duh!)
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yep
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Ugh Yeah
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Not in one sitting
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Yeah
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	I think maybe...Don't know what the fuck is goin on
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Probably
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes
Ever been Beaten up:	There was this one time... but it was 3 against me
Ever Shoplifted:	Yeah
How do you want to Die:	Doing something heroic
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I don't know anymore
What country would you most like to Visit:	Scottland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Blue
Favourite Hair Color:	Black
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	6'1" atleast
Weight:	190
Best Clothing Style:	American Eagle & stuff like that
Number of Drugs I have taken:	3
Number of CDs I own:	hell if I Know
Number of Piercings:	4
Number of Tattoos:	1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	more than I can count
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

So I'm awake and thinking, (As I always am at 3am) I'm so happy that Oliver is safe now. So much stress off my shoulders. I can't handle for him to go again. it hurt so bad to have him gone. I was reading this old blog, from when I first came back home before he left. I felt so suffocated just remembering how it feels to have him there or to have him so far away.THURSDAY: Aug. 26th, 2004

He is still far away from me right now, but it's easier. It makes me smile to know that he isn't in a combat zone anymore. When I sleep now I am so much more at ease. My dreams aren't terrible like when he was gone. I wake up now and I don't feel so dead anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard to not be around him. but he is safe now, that makes it easier for me to go on with my life.

He is going home to Rhode Island tonight (as in Friday night). Soon I'll know if, or when, I get to see him while he's on leave.
***Crossing my fingers and praying for the best.***

What a crazy *feeling* week. Oliver and the boys are back home in Hawaii and will be getting leave very soon, like Friday! (yay!) Stephen got canned for being a douche and always coming in late or missing shifts (no Bueno) Talking stuff about David at work (Bueno) Christy barely even has to work this week and gets to do all kinda of stuff like go camping with the guys at the lake tomorrow and go to the water park on friday (no fair! but at least i'm making money) Brian, Ryan, Josh, Vince and the rest of the guy leave for Cozumel later this week (they are totally gonna have a blast!) And got a bad call from Casey (totally no Bueno)

Ahhhh...Tomorrow is the only day off this week that I have. I plan on sleeping all afternoon and then playing tennis with Jonny. Bastard better call me back.
I'm gonna be so freaking bored while the guys are in Cozumel. They are totally gonna have fun though, and I'm sure Christy & I will find something to keep ourselves occupied, like check the chicken coop for eggs all day long while tanning in our very own nudist colony (hahaha) That actually would be a weird sight... checking the chicken coop while tanning. hmmm, maybe we re-think that idea.

I think I'm gonna hit the sack and start my sleep fest before the sun even starts thinking of coming up. Night.

The best phone call I've ever gotten today. Oliver. I haven't heard his voice since November 11th 2004. I'd forgotten how good it sounds.

Anytime he came up when I got home, or if I thought of him, I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I'm so happy that he is safe now, and he's alive, he's heading home. It's so overwhelming to have all this in my head.

Thank you God.

At this point today/tonight I am way more drunk than I need, or want, to be. I hate boredom. and I hate waiting for things to happen (which oddly enough I find my self doing quite often)

Wish I could just sleep until something good happens to me...That'd never work though cause ya gotta do stuff to get some thing to happen, right?

Eh, these are the drunken ramblings of a lonely girl. Doesn't it suck to be me lately. (lately being the last 8.5 months, basically since I left Hawaii)

I miss Oliver so much...

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"

yeah, I sure did today. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel so stressed out, worried, exhausted and just not myself. Who am I right now? I don't know. ugh. so much going through my head and I keep it all inside and I just want someone to understand, but I dont know how to make people understand. It's not easy for people who haven't been through what I've been through.

Oliver is coming home from afghanistan soon...real soon. He gets to go home on leave again. He wants me to go. And I really want to...

I'm scared though. Will he be different? will WE be different? and the way I care for him, I've had to say 'goodbye' to him so many times already and it kills me inside evertime I have to say 'goodbye' to that boy. I feel like I die everytime. I'm so scared.

I just wish I could stop getting hurt...

GO SEE VISTALANCE!!!!!!