I'm totally going to vent right now, maybe it'll make me feel better. Today started out pretty good, I woke up at like one. (it's nice to sleep in sometimes) and my throat doesn't hurt as bad as it used to. But some how in three hours that I've been awake, life has gone to shit. (not really but that's how I feel right now) How did this all start???
I sent Mike (Taylor ~ "the ex") a text message asking why he didn't call me back about his phone. (this is where it all began) he replys saying he didn't know he was supposed to call me back about it. So I call him to talk to him about it. He says he's gonna keep it for a little while longer until he can afford the one he wants, and somewhere in the midst of telling me that he says somehting about revving it to hard. So I ask him "what?" he says he revved the car to hard. "what car? do you drive now?" no, it's Mellissa's car. "oh, should I let you go?" no, she's at work... "Oh, who's Mellissa?" my girlfriend.
~this is where it all went wrong for me... How can he have a girlfriend already. That's just not right. I wonder if she's better for him than I was.
"how long have you guys been going out?" Since November 4th... "Oh, do you go to school with her?" No she works at the Depot. "oh, it is that girl that always would smile at you when we went in?" No, which one was that?
~what do you mean which one was that? idiot...you know they were looking, don't play dumb, there were like three of them
"Well what's she look like?" ~stupid question, i really don't wanna know. Why did I ask? She's like 5'5" brown hair to her shoulders. "oh, okay... So about the phone, when do you think you'll have the money to get your own?" Not this paycheck, Mellissa's CD bearings went out and I'm gonna help pay for them to be replaced. "Oh, okay" ~I just wanted to scream at him! he never bought me anything like that. Helped my mom buy me new tires once after we had been dating for a year and a half, and he bitched about that! Fuck! I hate him so much! We went out for three years and I have nothing to show for it, except a wall that I've put up to keep people out!!!!! That Prick! I hate him so much...I never want to talk to another guy again! Right now I feel like they are all like him, or like they will all be like him. I gave him so much and I have nothing to show for it. I put so much into that relationship and how did he thank me??? He didn't he scuffed me up and now all I am is DAMAGED... ruined, no one wants what I am now... How could they? But still I keep torturing myself... Wonder what it would be like if he was still mine. If I was still his. I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum he's not worth my tears, why am I giving them to him? Why does this hurt so much, why can't I stop it? I bet he loved it, I know he could hear the jealousy in my voice talking about her. I know he liked it, a thousand miles away and still he had the power to hurt me. To rip my heart out again. go ahead, stomp on it, I know you like it! You always did, always liked to know you were the one that had me in your grasp, always liked to know exactly what hurt the most... you loved to see me break, loved to see me weaker than you...Because I knew what I wanted with my life, I knew where I was going. And you didn't, you liked to see me weaker didn't you I wonder though, is that how it really was? I wonder if I am just bitter from all the times you made me give in first... you did know what hurt the most...I could never come close to it on you.
"Are you sleeping with her?" Not yet, why? "Just curious"
~Why do I tourture Myself like this?....This is how I know I'm not ready for another relationship yet...