Thoughts of Yesterdays
Jonya Ululani Repucci

He never told me it would last forever,
I guess I just assumed it would go there.
The end of three years took just an instant,
I shiver and remember with tears.
I never dreamed life could change so fast into “What might have been?”
From dreams of tomorrow and the rest of our future,
To thoughts of yesterday and of MY past.
I feel so lonely as I stand right here.
My throat gets tight, fingers around it, memories rush back.
It’s not real this time, but still I fill with fear.
I always thought I could defend myself, always thought I was so tough and so strong.
But now grabbing at his hands I feel myself break.
I haven’t felt this low in so long.
My memory fades back to my past it’s my dad this time,
His hand around my wrist, I just wanted to run away.
A fight over scissors that ended with the snap of a belt,
Again I am broken… Back to thoughts of yesterdays…
I reach up to my face; I swear I can still feel that scab.
Back in the driveway, how did I end up on the ground?
My knees and my hands are scraped up my throat still hurts…
But that’s not what hurts most
I feel like he took my heart along with my breath in that one moment.
I told myself “Walk away. Walk away and never look back.”
But it’s hard to not look back, I wonder if he could change.
I wonder if it would be the same fear or if I’d live in fear.
I look deep down I know the truth inside.
This time just makes it easier for next time,
And next time I might not be so lucky to walk away,
With a scab on my face and a scar on my heart…
So I will walk away, but I still look back.