What a crazy *feeling* week. Oliver and the boys are back home in Hawaii and will be getting leave very soon, like Friday! (yay!) Stephen got canned for being a douche and always coming in late or missing shifts (no Bueno) Talking stuff about David at work (Bueno) Christy barely even has to work this week and gets to do all kinda of stuff like go camping with the guys at the lake tomorrow and go to the water park on friday (no fair! but at least i'm making money) Brian, Ryan, Josh, Vince and the rest of the guy leave for Cozumel later this week (they are totally gonna have a blast!) And got a bad call from Casey (totally no Bueno)

Ahhhh...Tomorrow is the only day off this week that I have. I plan on sleeping all afternoon and then playing tennis with Jonny. Bastard better call me back.
I'm gonna be so freaking bored while the guys are in Cozumel. They are totally gonna have fun though, and I'm sure Christy & I will find something to keep ourselves occupied, like check the chicken coop for eggs all day long while tanning in our very own nudist colony (hahaha) That actually would be a weird sight... checking the chicken coop while tanning. hmmm, maybe we re-think that idea.

I think I'm gonna hit the sack and start my sleep fest before the sun even starts thinking of coming up. Night.

The best phone call I've ever gotten today. Oliver. I haven't heard his voice since November 11th 2004. I'd forgotten how good it sounds.

Anytime he came up when I got home, or if I thought of him, I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I'm so happy that he is safe now, and he's alive, he's heading home. It's so overwhelming to have all this in my head.

Thank you God.

At this point today/tonight I am way more drunk than I need, or want, to be. I hate boredom. and I hate waiting for things to happen (which oddly enough I find my self doing quite often)

Wish I could just sleep until something good happens to me...That'd never work though cause ya gotta do stuff to get some thing to happen, right?

Eh, these are the drunken ramblings of a lonely girl. Doesn't it suck to be me lately. (lately being the last 8.5 months, basically since I left Hawaii)

I miss Oliver so much...

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays"

yeah, I sure did today. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel so stressed out, worried, exhausted and just not myself. Who am I right now? I don't know. ugh. so much going through my head and I keep it all inside and I just want someone to understand, but I dont know how to make people understand. It's not easy for people who haven't been through what I've been through.

Oliver is coming home from afghanistan soon...real soon. He gets to go home on leave again. He wants me to go. And I really want to...

I'm scared though. Will he be different? will WE be different? and the way I care for him, I've had to say 'goodbye' to him so many times already and it kills me inside evertime I have to say 'goodbye' to that boy. I feel like I die everytime. I'm so scared.

I just wish I could stop getting hurt...

GO SEE VISTALANCE!!!!!!

my body feels wrong, sore and exhaused. It's not just that...my attitude feels wrong too. I dont know whats up with me. Why am I tired but I can't sleep. I haven't been answering phone calls from my friends. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just dont have the energy for anything anymore.

I wish I could sleep.

Frankie, Brian, Nate, Allan, Grimes, and Gibson: I miss you all. I saw your pictures on tv last night. It's so hard to believe you are dead. I'd give so much to bring you back. Thank you all for what you've given for this country wich was everything you had. I love you guys...

I was thinking tonight of all the things I've gone through in the last year, reading some of my old blogs. I dunno, it's weird. Like I feel upset alot because so much bad has happened this year and no one here seems to really give a shit that I'm not exactly happy when I should be.

I thought about that. and I wondered "why?"
is it me? is it in my head? I always hear people complaining to me. "oh, *this* is going wrong for me, and everything about *this* sucks...blah blah blah" I'm getting really tired of it. I don't bitch to my friends about how the guy I was head over heals for got shipped to Afghanistan, or how I've had six (SIX!!!) friends die overseas in the last half a year, or how everynight I can't sleep because all I do is stay awake wondering how things would be if Oliver never left would my life been different... Their problems seem so stupid and childish compared to mine.

I wonder if that makes me a selfish person... I don't bother my friends or even my family with my problems because either they wont be able to comprehend the pain I go through everyday, or they'll know the real me. No one has known her for a long time, and I'd rather keep her hidden. It's just easier to do that.

I'd rather cry alone than have everyone know how weak I sometimes am...

It's a nice night out tonight. Kinda weird, I swear it smelled like rain when I got out of work. Not a cloud in the sky though. It's a full moon too, I like full moons. Nothing really to write about. I hope that tonight I sleep better than "last night" considering I couldn't fall asleep until 7 this morning.

I don't know that I've said that in a while... "I hope", huh.

Well tomorrow I get to go pay the rest of my phone bill. oddly enough I feel kinda empty without having my phone on. I guess it's not really odd. It's my lifeline to my friends. Wow! taht sounds so dumb.

It’s weird how there are people that walk into your life and something about them shows you that the world is not completely dark anymore... People have told me in the last two weeks that I smile more and I seem different.

My world has been dark for a long time. I think about how long it's been this way and I wanna cry. I can't pinpoint the exact event where everything became this way. It was more like a series of events, each that happened took my light away one fragment at a time.

August 23rd 2004: I left Hawaii...I watched Ollie drive away from the airport while I stood there crying. I think back on it, my memory, He gave me a hug and a kiss. Told me he loved me and kissed me. Lit a cigarette, walked away and didn't look back. Crying so hard all alone listening to Whiskey Lullaby...I could hear myself in that song.

October 19th-26th 2004: after August until now, darkness. I really try to remember things between these two points but really I just draw blanks. I spent this week in Rhode Island. I remember all of it. It shines like the sun in my memory. I love the East Coast. The weather was cold but I love it. Everything about that week was great. Daily walks to Starbucks, walking Cinder to the park and running back, getting yelled at for tickling each other and horsing around, swinging on the tree swing in the back yard. I remember standing next to him at the airport. His plane was scheduled to leave 2hours before mine. Took a picture of him before he boarded. Same thing again. Gave me a kiss, said goodbye and he loved me smiled and told me not to worry, then he got on the plane and didn’t look back. I don’t know why, he was always like that. Never looked back. I wonder if that makes it easier. I’ve always been the one to watch people leave, never the one to have a chance to look back. I got on my plane and cried in every airport I was in, and drank my bottle of whiskey on every plane I was on, slept as much as I could because my heart ached too much when I was awake. I remember on the 2nd plane looking out at the clouds and seeing this huge dark chasm in the clouds, all so beautiful and white. It almost calmed me to watch the clouds then suddenly darkness the size of the Grand Canyon then I started noticing all the other little dark patches in this scene of serenity, before long all I noticed was the darkness in the clouds… these clouds that day were like me.

Stare for a little while and maybe I’m beautiful and peaceful maybe I look happy. I worry that if someone looks long enough they will see the darkness in me. I wondered if the broken pieces of my heart would heal and I’d have all these “scars on my heart” or if they would just break away and eventually I’d just be empty. I still don’t know. I think its scars.

January 5th 2005: I find out that Frankie and Brain died December 16th in the Al Anbar Province on Iraq. I think of Frankie and I’m sure he’s in heaven. His smile was so bright. One more fragment of light gone from my life. I remember BBQ-ing with Kilo and he called me from Okinawa, told me he’d write and call back with his address. He died before he got the chance.

January 29th 2005: I hear about the helicopter crash on my way to work. All I know at first is Marines, but I had no idea where from. I find out later that they were Marines from Kaneohe Bay. I get home later that evening and find out that 4 of my friends died in that crash. Nate, Gibbs, Grimes, and Allan… I swear it’s like someone was walking around and turning lights off around me.

My memories fade in and out from then. I got one letter from Oliver back in February. I think about him a lot even though he isn’t mine anymore. I just pray for their safety. 3/3 Kilo, I want so badly to know they are all going to be safe and in one piece when they get back to Hawaii.

I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way I am... I never look for it, but I think it would do me good.

Does that even make sense?

I think I know why I don't write so much.

I'm sitting here and all I think about is Oliver. The one constant thought in my life is him. Days go by for me, but they all blend together. I look at my 'countdown' on my phone, which really is more of a 'count-up' for me. I last saw him 163 days 21 hours and 31 minutes ago. The last time I heard his voice is 2 weeks and 2 days less than that.

That 'countdown' is the only way I know time is actually passing... Another day, another hour, another minute, it all feels the same to me. Same memories of the day before: Sleep, work, hang out, sleep, work, hang out.

I can't believe it's April already. My last solid memories were in Rhode Island, before that in Hawaii. I've never felt so NUMB in Arizona. This place was always where I thought I belonged, it's never felt so wrong to me as it has since I came back from Hawaii, I think I'd feel the same there though.

It's so hard. I have all these memories of him, I dream of him like I'll see him when I wake up... But he's so many thousands of miles away. I think of him and wonder what he'll do or say the next time I see him. How much longer will that be?

2:36am right now and I can't fucking sleep because all I do when I lay there is stare at the ceiling head on his USMC sweater and hand on his dog tags around my neck... I hate this time of night, no one around or awake to help keep my thoughts from wandering to him.

I dont really have much to write about anymore.

But hey! it's my Birthday on Sunday! Party at the Monastary Too.

well it's February 12th now, and seemingly this month is going better than the last. I still haven't heard from most of the people I'd like to hear from. I'm worried that I'm running out of time. My court date is Feb. 14th (lucky me...already hated V-day) After I take care of all of that I plan on signing my military contract ASAP.

wish me luck

In my mind I hope that things will get better after this month is over. Kind of how people think things will change after the New Year. So much has gone wrong in my life this month.

I’ve learned of the deaths of 6 of my friends this month alone. 2 of the 6 had died in December (Franklin Sweger & Brian Medina). The other four died earlier this week (Nathan Moore, Tim Gibson, and Kyle Grimes, Allan Klein) Some I was closer to than others. But all of them I have had good laughs and great times with.

How many more can I handle?

I’m worried and scared. And above all I just want to know that the rest of my friends are safe. Come home soon guys. Be safe, you don’t need those metals. All they are is something in a box that you’ll be proud of for a bit (if you’re alive to actually receive it) and then you’ll pack it away and let it collect dust. You’re already heroes. Don’t try to be one anymore than that.

FRANKIE is dead now... he shouldn't have even been there. 1/3 is supposed to be on MEU. For christ sake he's 24...

Frankie: I miss you, I know youre in heaven now. Thank you for what youve done. Im glad I had the chance to know you.

Lani, do you ever read these?

I miss you so much... I just want you to come home.

I love you...

Not that I have one but it's about time I put something funny up here.

Your Penis Name is: 100% All-beef Thermometer

Get your own Penis Name

Especially because it's Thanksgiving, I think everyone should take a moment and visit this webpage to HONOR THE FALLEN

I have a lot to be thankful for.

MY family, my friends, my job, my car, the food on my table, the warm bed to sleep in, my life...

But most of all My freedom.

Our guys are out there everyday, risking their lives.
They can't just call home and say hello whenever they want. They are lucky if they get to eat at a table or have something other than an MRE, Lucky if they even get to sleep in one of those military issue cots at night. Lucky when they get a letter from their Families, wives, girlfriends, lucky to be able to even take a warm shower. And lucky when their whole company makes it back safely after a mission.

I don't know how it works there, because I'm not there yet. But I know enough to know that I am Blessed, and I am thankful for that.


I miss you guys. Please be safe.

I can't explain the feeling in my heart every time I read the Hawaii Paper and it says "Kane'ohe Marine Died" I'm so scared, so scared, and I just want them to be okay. Whether its the guys I hung out with in 1/3 or the when the day comes that 3/3 is in the paper. I never wanna read one of their names.

Does anyone Know the pain I am going through?

Tonight I read about one more.
As the page is loading I'm praying that it's no one I know and that it's no where near where 3/3 is. I minimize the page, mainly because I'm not ready to read it and I don’t want it to load in front of me. I'm afraid I'll catch a glimpse before I'm ready. So it's minimized and I'm sure it's finished loading. I say a final prayer and take a deep breath...

Then I open it. So much relief in my heart and at the same time I feel sorrow. Sorrow for the person that does open that page and recognizes a name they know. He's in 1/3. I think to myself that all these Boys I know (well Men now, I suppose the fact that they are fighting a war should let them be called men... but I remember looking in their eyes before they left and just seeing little boys.) One day it will be me opening that page and recognizing a name I know. My heart goes out to them, their families and their loved ones each day.

One more name for the list. I think the total is 14 now (all in 1/3)

Hawai'i Based Marine Killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Michael A. Downey

I don't live in Hawai'i anymore, but it's pretty much the only newspaper I read. Sometimes I'm scared of what I'll see on their headlines. All my friends from Hawaii that are in the Marine Corps are either in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Kuwait. I know the guys from 1/3 are in Fallujah... And 3/3... Killer Kilo huh? Afghanistan, and I dont even know where there. I love those boys like brothers, and I just want Ollie to be safe.

Every day I read that paper and I'm scared that one day I'll see a name I know on this list...
Hawai'i-based Marines killed in Iraq:
Lance Cpl. Jeremy D. Bow
Lance Cpl. David M. Branning
Lance Cpl. John T. Byrd II
Lance Cpl. Travis A. Fox
Pfc. John Lukac
Cpl. Christopher J. Lapka
Lance Cpl. Brian A. Medina
Sgt. Rafael Peralta
Lance Cpl. Aaron C. Pickering
Lance Cpl. Andrew G. Riedel
Lance Cpl. Michael P. Scarborough
Lance Cpl. Richard P. Slocum
Petty Officer Julian Woods

Please be safe guys. I wish with all my heart that I could hold Ollie again and just tell him everything I never told him...Baby you have to be safe and come home soon...

Don't be a hero

I think the hardest part about today is not knowing. I don't know when I will see Oliver again, or hear his voice again. Will he come back home, will he come back to me. The uncertainty of our future drives me insane. And I'm never strong enough to ask questions. Soon it will be too late.

It's already been so long since I've seen him, it feels like ages since my lips last touched his. 16d4h26m
I wish so many people could read this...I wish I could give them, at least, the insight of what it feels like to be the girlfriend (or wife, for some) left behind.

I have to have strength for Ollie, and strength for my sister... I'm running out of strength for myself. The mere amount of energy it takes to get though a day. I feel like turning my phone off and just ignoring my friends. I don't have the energy to smile at them anymore. Given the chance I would sleep until I had to work, then go to sleep right after work again.

I'm so exhausted.

Had a Fantastic dinner tonight!

Where I work at right now is definetly the best job I could have until I get on with the Fire Department. Not only is everyone I work with AWESOME, our managers are great. On the 1st Monday of every month they do an "appreciation" dinner. Each month 8 people out of the whole store are invited (this month I was one of them). And seriously they treated us like royalty. Very cool! It totally helped my week be better since i've been kinda depressed lately. yeah, tonight really helped, I'm in a much better mood now.

I'm still bummed cause I miss Ollie so much, and I had two bad dreams last night (he was in both of them)

I love you babe...

Today was the hardest day for me in about Two years. I remember when I was 19, thinking how stong I was. Before I'd turned 20 I learned that I wasn't as strong as I had thought. And today I am back to that. Learning my weaknesses again.

Both of these "weaknesses" are caused by pain. And though much alike, they are so very different.

I cry now, because I am alone. Same as why I cried then. But, then was because something was ending, now I cry because of separation. Something so good, and who knows when I'll get to hold him again. EVERYTHING we have... Will we still have it whne he comes back from Afghanistan? Will he come back to me?

I have so many Unanswered questions.

Had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note and said "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again.
She spilled her coffee, broke her shoelace.
Smeared the lipstick on her face.
Slammed the door and said "I'm sorry, I... Had a bad day again."


And I swear there's nothing wrong...
But you'll hear me play that same old song,
I'll put you off and put you on.

15days, 22hours, 58minutes.

Had today off...
Sad when the highlight of my day off is waking up to eat a sandwich. Where is everyone at anymore?

"Days go by... Feels like my hand out the window as the cars drive by...

Not really much to say. Life is going good. It's been 11 days, 4 hours, and 39 minutes since I last heard from Oliver.

Military...Can't live with 'em, can't live with out them. Nah, I'm just messing, I have so much more respect for those guys, people don't give them the credit they deserve.

(Partially from my e-mail to 7 so I can save time & be lazy! hehehe!)

This weekend would take me forever to write no matter how fast I can type. SO I'll leave it here. Got off work at Midnight Friday Stina and Bitch were waiting out side. I was gonna go to Tucson right after work but didn't end up on the road until 7am on Saturday. I made it safely around 945am. For the Most part Saturday was a disappointment. Rain Saturday afternoon was nice though. And I couldn't leave Sunday because of the rain. So, I got to hang out with the Fire Fighter that I'd met (and hung out with) before. I like hanging out with him and his FF buddies because it really helps me out with my attitude about trying to get on. The more I hang with them the more I wanna get back in with the testing process. Jo ignored me a lot (Saturday mostly). Jes has always been awesome though and we watched a lot of movies together. Drove up to the Mountains twice (once with Jes & once with Chad *the FF*). Came home Monday Afternoon. Worked. I love working there. Um...Got to see Stina when I got off work (she was waiting by my car again). Got my phone turned back on today. Hung out With Melissa (we ate at The OG). Then hung out with Stina. And now, it's now!

Well I did my first serving shift yesterday. :) I had two tables in my section, and I think I ended up having Five tables total (at lunch)...Yep, Five tables. What do you know, it's my number, I just realized that. Well I made $29 in tips. Not bad for a lunch shift, and especially since that was off Five tables. I tipped out $4 total so I ended up with $25. Not bad huh? I'm happy. Today I work at 3pm, until... Who knows. I'm super happy though. It's a dinner shift and I'll get two tables again. Hopefully I'll made at least 50. That would be SWEET! Then I can pay part of my phone bill. Ugh I hate being broke. Oh! And I get dinner shifts Thursday & Friday too! So hopefully I'll be able to go to Tucson on Friday night since I don't work Saturday (Boo-Yah!)
I miss Lani. :)
Oh...Things I miss... The Beach, Nani, "The Guys", The E-Club, The Rain, "My Barracks", and (believe it or not) The Ki's.
I'm sure I'll see them all again soon. And I'll kick Robbins ass if he doesn't come see me. He Promised!

It's Friday morning now. Wow, this week has gone by so fast. I almost feel like I'm still stuck on last week. Like I should be headed out to Prescott tomorrow and waiting for a call back from The OG. But no, that stuff already happened. Today (in a few hours) is my third day in training. I love it! The people are awesome, and I'm excited to be a server. Really freakin nervous though. I've never served before...BUT they are doing awesome to teach me so far.
I got to see Lani today (technically last night since its Friday now) I miss my baby sister. I'm happy for her though. She's doing well for herself. Nick and her have a great apartment. And Nick is an awesome cook!
Drove home at 0330, got home at 0500, talked to Nani for about half an hour. Now I don't know what to do. I"m afraid to sleep, because I have to be at work by 0900. I don't wanna end up sleeping though my alarm. So I figure I'll suck it up for another hour and a half then its time to get ready & eat breakfast. And I'll just be tired through out the day. But the days have been flying by. So 1600 should be here before I know it. Less than 12 hours already... Doesn't sound so bad. Then I can nap after work. A little bit of suffering never killed anyone (or did it?) hahaha.

Oh yeah! Got a kitten. Fidelis. she's a crazy one, that's for sure.

I decided I was going to bed early tonight. I guess 630pm is too early. But I didn't have anything better to do.
So I fell asleep listening to music.
Then I had this dream.
I was on a bus in Italy with Oliver, and he said something mean to me, so I slapped him. Then he tried to get off the bus that we were on. I freaked out because I didn't wanna be alone in this foreign country. Then we're passing this town that is supposed to be really historic and really special. So we get off the bus.
Next thing I know I'm at the airport with Nani. (my impression of this airport was that I was in America, though it looked like no airport I've ever been to.) So she's getting on this plane, and all I wanna do is cry. I don't know where she's going. Then I'm driving on a freeway. ( Looks Kinda like the I-17 coming from Flagstaff to Phoenix. Steep and really curvy though) Even though no one is in the car with me I've been dared to go 70mph at the turn ahead. So I gas it...
Next thing I know I'm awake. Eyes wide open and heart pounding so hear it's hurting my neck. I lay there for a second. Waiting for my heart to calm. It takes a minute or so, then I look around. When I first looked around (right then) I was so confused. What am I doing here? I kinda feel like that every day that I've been home.

What am I doing here?

Ignorant people piss me off.

I started off having a horrible day. And no one seemed to care. Stina came over, we went to Olive Garden so I could apply. Then when we came back the UPS man delivered my new phone. Totally helped my day get better. Ran around did errans. Went and ate at Big Heng (Memories of my Little Bro, and Johannes). Came home, and now that I'm sitting here alone (again) I'm not having such a great day (again).

Seems to me, that it is much harder for me to deal with lonliness than anything, it makes the distance a lot harder.

anyways, as I said... I'm very irritated by ignorance right now.
I probably won't remember why tomorrow.
But, That's okay. I'd probably get PO'd again if I can remember tomorrow.

That's all for now.

For some reason I feel like making a list of my fears (things I'm afraid of), so here goes. in no particular order.

My Fears:
1. The dark.
2. Being alone at night.
3. Heights.
4. Making an ass of myself infront of people.
5. Car accidents.
6. People I love dying.
7. What people think of me.
8. Growing up alone.
9. Sharks.
10. Dogs I don't know.
11. Walking alone in the woods.
12. Swimming in murky water.
13. Being cheated on.
14. Ghosts (if they exist).
15. Aliens (if they exist).
16. Bad people.
17. Not getting to do things I want in my lifetime
18. Telling people how I feel.
19. Wars.
20. Roaches.
21. Not Dying, but HOW I'll die.
22. My Weaknesses.

Well, I think that's it for now...
I'm sure I'll think of more. I'll just add them in later. If I do.

Just another day here in Arizona. Another second, minute, hour...

Time is passing by, and I'm at this stand still. I feel like I'm standing in a river, and the water that is flowing past me, around me, is time. Where am I going? What am I doing?

John left today. My "Little Bro". I didn't get to say goodbye, I never even got to say hello when I came back. Everyone has their own lives now. And I'm still here. Getting lonlier as the seconds, minutes, and hours go by...

I don't even know what I'm thinking, or what to feel. I'm going crazy. And no one understands.

I want him so bad, and I can't even say what I want. or how I feel...

I'm Broken right now... Hawk is going too... And the one thing I meant to do today,that I didn't do, It's Stephen's Birthday (the "26th" even though its 3am now, it's still the 26th for me) I was gonna call him but I didn't.

Fuck Afghanistan, and FUCK this war!!!!!!!!!!! I give every member of the military that has gone (and is going) EVERYTHING in me that is respect or pride... I'd give them anything. But Dear GOD, I just want you guys to come home.

Come home safe, and come home now.

I feel like a five year old.

You know how when your parents would drop you off at the babysitters, and you'd cry and try to cling to them like it was going to keep them from ever leaving you...

Everyone I know here has a life, I used to have one too. But now I don't and they all still do. I don't like being alone right now. It hurts me enough that I can't be with Oliver. And I'll see them (my friends) but when it comes down to it, they all have to get back to their lives, and I am left alone... Again. And I want so bad to beg them not to go. Not to leave me alone, because I can't handle it right now, and I hurt too much to sit by myself and cry. Because that is all I do when I'm alone and I start thinking about how far away he is, or how long it will be before I can see him again. I just cry. And I can't not think about him, because everything I see and everything I do reminds me of him. But I never ask them to stay. I never ask anyone to stay.

Well, I'm home now...
It's weird to be home. It almost feels like I never left, but then I have all these memories. It hurts so much. I'll be fine and then a moment will hit me where I just start tearing up. I don't feel like I belong here.
I don't know where I belong.

I fell asleep listening to the rain last night, I think of him constantly and neither one of us is gone yet.
There is so little time that we have left together.
I pray that I'll be able to go see him when he has leave. But I don't know. And I'm afraid I won't get that chance.
I don't know what I expect out of the next year of my life. I know it's going to be hard. I know I'm going ot need my family and friends to help me out. I don't know if they know that though.

It's our song... Fade To Black

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell i feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try.

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.

God...
I know I'll shatter

I went to the beach today (Extreme Beer Drinking) & I feel good right now... Earlier I was having a totally bad night. I've never had anyone throw my shit off a balcony. That's like stuff out of the movies. It wasn't Oliver. His room mate did it. I was so fucking hurt and pissed off when I realized it too. He threw my jeans, my underwear and my bra off third deck. I come out of the shower, hurt because he was yelling at me through the door, and no clothes to put on. I was pissed. Anyways I talked to him about it later. HE Had a bad day and someone else had pissed him off so when he came up to their room and the door was locked he snapped. I understand.
This weekend was (overall) good, crazy, but good. My arm hurts. I'm tired and I have to work in 5 hours, so I gotta be awake in 4. I NEED sleep. Today I made some CD's to play in the Jeep when I get home. All I wanted earlier tonight was home.
Caralynne's First day at kindergarten is today (the 9th), and earlier (yesterday the 8th) was the first time she swam without floaties. :) I wish I could have been there. I miss home...

I started to write yesterday, but I think I was already drinking when I did. Anyways, I ended up getting really drunk (drank for like 12 hours straight). So basically I got drunk, along with some other people, and talk about freaking drama! What is it with these guys since they came back from Australia? A bunch of stupid-heads! Anyways, people got belligerent. The OOD came by and other people shattered. Ugh! I hate seeing these guys like that.

So not much going on today. Went to sleep around 0630, and woke up at 1230. Still Fucking DRUNK! so everyone take a wild guess at what I did when I got out of bed....
That's right, I started drinking again! Hahahah! Cause I'm an alcoholic! I dunno, not really. Last weekend my mom says "Jonya, do you think you might have a problem?" I say I don't think so...I'd hate to see me if I did (by my standards) have a problem.

I'm not quite sure what I thought this weekend was going to be like. You know, his first weekend back. There were all these things we talked about on the phone that we were gonna do when he came back.
Only thing we actually did was sit out and BBQ. WE weren't even supposed to BBQ here, we were gonna go to Bellows and do it, like abunch of us. Supposedly that is going to happen next weekend.
I'm freakin exhausted right now. I wanna just pass out

There are always things I want to say to him...but I never do. Like we'll be laying there ~my head on his chest, I've never been as comforted by anything in my life as much as I am comforted by the sound of his heart beat.~ I just want to ask him if he loves me as much as I love him. I know he doesn't. I want to ask why it feels like he's pushing me away.

I know he leaves in a month. I know what he is leaving to. I am afraid. I'm not going to give up on "Us" just because he's going.

He's going for a good cause huh?
Hmmm... America (there are so many things that come through my head when I think about this subject, so I will pick just one) Land of the Free... Yeah, I can make my own choices. I fell for him. Is that really a choice? I think not. Maybe partially free. I am constantly affected by the choices of others. That is how this free thing works, right? So, free...but not free. The way I feel when I think about him leaving, I feel like a caged bird. Like I'm suffocating.
Sacrifices...
So right now freedom feels like a pillow over my face.
Something good has to come from this.
I know I am privleged to live where I live.
This is why. People before me made sacrifices.
I understand.


Courage is not the lack of fear, but the presence of fear, yet the will to move on...

~Nothing...and yet Everything~
I can't explain the thoughts that are going through my head. *song of the moment: "Whiskey Lullaby" Brad Paisley & Allison Krauss*
I'm so scared of next month. I'm Afraid of Oliver leaving. And i know how I'll feel if somehting happends to him while he is gone. Combat. I know what possibilities are there, and I think about it so much...
I wish now that I was more ignorant, clueless or even stupid. Because this, what could happen, knowledge is killing me inside.

"years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. She finally drank her pain away a little at a time. But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind. Until the night, she put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger. And finally drank away his memory. Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees. We found her with her face down in a pillow clinging to his picture for dear life, we laid her next to him beneath the willow while the angels sang a whiskey lullaby..."

I'm so scared.
I think about how things are going to be back home. How things are going to be when I can't hold him while I sleep, kiss him when I wake up, I won't be able to just sit next to him, watch movies with him, BBQ, Halo, naps, phone calls. Just him in letters...thats all I'll get.

God...I must be dreaming. This can't be happening to me. "We found him with his face down in a pillow, with a note that said I'll Love her til I Die..."
No, this can't be my life.

Why?

YAY! he's back. I'm happy, and at the same time I'm shattered. In August he'll be leaving. I love him so much and I won't be able to see him in (at the least 6-7 months) about a year.

People never really understand what it's like being with a military guy until it happends to them.

So, Tomorrow is the day. I'm so happy. I hope I work the front counter again tomorrow because the day goes by so freakin' fast! This morning I had to work at 05:00, and when I was getting there I could see a bunch of Australians getting on a bus, and one walked past me and I go "you guys are leaving?" and he says "yep. We're heading out now." YAY!!!!!!!!!! The sooner they get home the sooner Oliver will be home. Less than 24 hours now. :) Oh Yay! Yay! YAY!!!!
I'm so happy. I wanted to jump up and down after I got off work because it will be one more shift there before I can see him. Oh I miss him so much. And, God, I love him more than anything. I can't wait to be able to hug him, and kiss him and fall asleep next to him... The whole time he's been gone I haven't been sleeping well. You'd think after a month and a half I would "adapt & overcome" but no. The closer it gets to him coming home the harder it is for me to sleep. I havent had a full night sleep in ages. The closest I came was Saturday night when I got really shit-faced and passed out. I was told that someone laid on me and I didn't even flinch. Even then that night I only slept for about 6.5 hours.
I can feel the lack of sleep killing my body. Especially this last few days. I dont think (besides Saturday night) that in the last week I've averaged more than 3.5 hours/night. and now I'm getting sick. It's wreaking havoc on me. :( I'm gonna try to take a nap though. Maybe it'll help.
YAY!!!!!!!! TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ahhhh. It's Sunday, and this is going to be the best week of my life. Oliver comes home Wednesday. I can't wait! and I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off! Woohoo! I'm sure he'll sleep or somehting while I work on Thursday. But I get to be with him for like 4 days straight (except for during work Thursday!) Hahaha, I should just call in that day. ;-) or for part of it. Maybe if I tell them soon enough I can get out of part of it or something.
 
Think so?

I'm still dealing with the fact that he's gonna be gone. It's so hard on me to think not just that I won't be near him for at least 6-7 months (possibly more), I keep thinking that he's infantry... I don't know how things are going over there (Iraq & Afghanistan) All I know is that once in a while I hear about people dying. I hear about Marines dying. Not as much as in wars before, but is this even a war? I mean, like do we say we're in war? I don't think so. I feel so ignorant.
 
I've lived in this country my whole life, and all it's taught me is ignorance. I think that is what's wrong with America. We're so self involved that until something happens to us we never even think about everyone else out there. Yeah, I think about my family, my friends, people out on the streets that might need my help (because that is what I want my job to be *FireFighter*) I used to want to join the military. For many reasons:
1. I wanted my Father to be Proud of me
2. I wanted to do something for my country
3. I wanted to prove something...That I could make it.
I never (before 9/11) thought that there were people in the world that hated Americans, I thought that was a thing of the past. My Ignorance. And when shit started going down, I thought of how bad I felt for those people who were losing a part of their family to go and fight this "war", this "war" that I never hear on the news about unless they are shipping more military over, bringing some military back, Some other country is pulling out, or someone has died. And for awhile I was fine with that being all I heard. But now...Now it involves someone I Love. Now it involves someone that I don't want to spend the rest of my life without. So now it involves me, and now I care. Go figure huh?

Last night I got some of the worst news of my life...It is most definetly ranked in the top 5. Although I am not sure what position I would put it at, the fact that it is (has started) happening right now makes it seem much worse that any of the other four, only because I have already dealt with the others and made it though, and if anything came out of those other four I might be a stronger person...but those other things made me who I am. In no particular order the other four were:
#1} When I got the call about Joanna being in the hospital.
#2} My parents getting separated(and eventually divorced).
#3} The call saying the cat I'd had since I was 3 was within her last few hours of life.
#4} Finding out I would need surgery on my Achillies tendon. 

So this new "news" to me? The love of my life...The man I would do anything for and give up everything for... mein alles... Is going to be sent to a combat zone.

My initial reaction to the phone call telling me this? Desperation. Derived from fear. I cried. I thought "why? why is this happening to me. Damn the Marine Corps! Damn this stupid 'war'. And Damn ME for thinking that my marine was not going to be sent away!"
My heart hurts so much. I cried for what seemed like hours but was not truly that much. Every minute that I am not near him seems like hours, hours seem like days, and so on through time.
With a little help from my mother I was able to slightly calm down. She's a smart woman and gives good advice. There are many reasons why I live my mother and this is one of them, but it will not stop me from hurting. It will, though, help me to understand why I must hurt.

I love Oliver. That was my choice. It was his choice that he joined the Marine Corps, and he is happy to finally be doing what he signed up to do. As much as it hurts me I must be happy for him and strong for him. My being unhappy will not stop him from going, it will only increase my misery and his also, and he doesn't need that. I should enjoy what time is left before he goes, so that is what I will try to do.
"The pain, it seems, will never end..."

I'd like to start writing more. Not that I ever have much to say, but it's nice to think that maybe someone is listening.
I have blisters on my feet from walking so much in the last few days. Since monday I've walked about 10 miles. Monday was around 2.5, Tuesday was about 5, and Today was again around 2.5. All this after being on my feet all day.  Oh woe is me. I feel like bitching right now just because I'm so exhusted, but when I try to sleep I can't. I'm usually a light sleeper, but since Sunday night it's been re-god Damn-diculous! on average I've gotten about 3-4 hours a night. and my body is starting to feel it.  I actually like the walking though. I like the time alone to think my own thoughts, and today I ran a little bit of the walk to.  I always liked that feeling, like when I wrestled, and I'd be so sore but coach made us push.  The burning feeling. *sigh* (bear crawls).
I talked to Scott today. Man talk about memories, I've known that kid for 5 years... has it really gone by that fast? It seems like yesterday we were competing to be the better distance swimmer on the team. Talked for an hour and 45 minutes, guess times haven't changed that much. I told him about whats happend in my life since I last saw him, how Jo's been doing (i think he always had a thing for her, everyone did), told him about Oliver and how much I love him (oliver), and we talked about people from high school, and one-hundred and eight!. No one ever understood us for that.  "bist Du neu?" we'd say to them. Hahaha! I wish he'd had a better day and that his girlfriend wasn't such a bitch.  I miss ya Scott.

One month exactly since I've written. It is a pity I don't write more. 
Oliver will be home from Australia within a week.  I cannot express on this page how glad I will be (in so many different ways) that he will be near me again.  I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cursed the Marine Corps for having taken him away from me and put him in another country for SIX damn weeks. 
As there have been many times in my life where I have thought of enlisting, this is not one of them. And the time that he has been gone has made me realize that I would not enlist under any of the following circumstances:
A) I was not completely single.
B) It was any other service that the best, if you know me you know the answer to this.
C) I had a job that I wanted.

I am not saying that good things have not come from this (his being gone).  I know now, more than ever, that I truly love him.  People say "distance make the heart grow fonder" I'm not sure it's that it make it grow fonder. It's just that once you are not able to see someone or hold someone, or even call someone you realize exactly how much you care about them.  I already knew how much I cared about him, I just couldn't express it. I think it might have been that I was too afraid. I still am afraid, but I'm not afraid to express it now.

Things were different with people I loved before.  Stephen (no offense to him) was puppy love. I was 14-15 years old at the time, I see that now.  Michael was (and is) someone I truly cared about. love? I remember thinking (the day he told me he loved me) that he didn't know what he was talking about.  We'd been dating for about 3 weeks at the time.  I was 16 and so was he.  I did not immediately tell him that I also loved him. I thought about it for awhile and eventually I felt like "yes, I do love him".  My justification for this feeling was "he is someone I want to have in my life, for the rest of my life".  And then there is Oliver. The first time he told me he loved me I thought "could he really care about me as much as I care about him?" I did love him, and at that time I loved him the same way I loved Michael.  Someone I wanted in my life for the rest of it.  But time has gone by, and things have happened that have helped me realize exactly how I loved him and why. He is not just someone I want in my life for the rest of it, he's someone I want to be with for the rest of it.

Some people might think there is something wrong with me for saying that. I don't.
yeah, forever big word huh? But if you read the definition of forever     n : time without end ...
Wow.
Really no one knows what forever is.
Forever could be tomorrow.

I miss Oliver so much. :( He's been gone for a week already. Australia is pretty far away and I haven't gotten a call from him yet. That makes me sad. The last time I got to see him was June 13th, and now it's the 21st. I cried so much the weekend he left.

I wonder how bad I will feel when He goes to Okinawa. 6 months is So long. (If anyone is reading this, I'd wait for this guy as long as he asked me to...just so you know)

Other than this "loneliness" I do have more going on in my life. I got a new job. :) $900/2 weeks! Yay! I miss home though. And I miss my family a lot. I hope I get to go home sometime to visit. I really want to.

It has been forever since I'd last written in here. Tomorrow would be a month without writing. I feel so computer illiterate anymore. I hate not having a computer! Well since I had written last not much has happened...I did get jumped about two weeks ago...woo hoo! *sarcasm* Then My boyfriend and I broke up about a week and a half ago, got back together 5 days later and he is treating me much better now. :) other than that...My mom came to hawaii to visit me for a week. She actually came to see my cousin graduate from High School, but spen most of the week wit me. :) I love my mom...

Wow! I never write anymore....
I'm finally 21!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! And I've had a boyfriend for like 2 months now. It's cool.

so a guy walks in and says "12 hours into Libo and Kilo company already got recalled." yep. Hahaha, I'm sure they are all so happy to have to be in formation right now. :-) while I can sit back and do, ummm, this! Hahaha. I'll write later.

Once again I am out at kaneohe... My Boyfriend Is wrestling on the floor with his friend and I'm on my sixth beer. hahaha. I miss Shannon and the kids. God, I love them. People out here are crazy. I love it! hahhaa. Stina was pissed at me earlier, but it's cool now. Damn I can't type now. hahaha. Fucki it, I'm done.

I'm freakin wasted right now... Out at Kaneohe...I swear I'm fucking crazy! I haven't had a Boyfriend in over a year and a half, now I have one and I'm not sure it's the right guy. What is wrong with me? JTG?!? What the fuck am I thinking?

Someone help me please

Wow, I love it here. (hawaii) I really miss things (and people)back home but I know I wouldn't mind being here for a while. :-D I'm sure by the time September comes I'll be sick of it...gotta go.

Oh! I think I have a boyfriend now!

have you ever seen a place with One Hundred and Eight DIFFERENT types of beer on tap???
I think now that I have seen it my life is almost complete (hehehe, YEAH right!)

I have a date tonight!

Crystal, I am a MIKE magnet...

Okay, again I am not keeping up with the writing. *smacks hand* "bad me!" hahaha. A lot has happened for me lately though.
I have a job that people only DREAM about having! I work as a Lifegaurd on a Cruise Boat! Can you believe that? AHHHHH it's so cool. (okay, wow, I sound like a kid) But check this out. I saw Whales and Sea turtles ("Honu" since I am constantly corrected by my local cousins. I am also No longer allowed to say "Dude!" instead I am to say "Brah!". Is that great or what.
Lets see...Also the guy that took me to the beach that one night called me. As I mentioned in my previous post he is NOT my kind of guy. But it's nice to have some one going after me. I felt bad when he called, he's all "Hey how are you?" I say, "I'm fine...who are you?" he says "It's *Tom." and I'm like "Who?" and he says again "*Tom!". I ask "Do I know you?" (poor guy) he says "I hope so, do I have the right number?" I was like "I dunno, Who are you trying to call? " (In the aftermath of this I feel really bad.) He reply's "you!" To which I reply, "Have I ever talked to you before?" He comes back, "I hope so, It's *Tom from the Beach!" and I'm like "OH!!! *Tom! Hahaha, I remember!!!"

Just think of that...How bad would you feel? It's okay though...I dilude my conscience a bit by saying things like "It's okay, he's not my type." and "How was I supposed to know he'd call, I didn't give him my number..."

That's right ladies and gentlemen...He tracked me down. Kinda makes me feel good.......... In a weird sort of way.

*names have been edited for privacy (of other people...)I don't really care about mine, As you can see.

So I havent really been "blogging" lately...I guess I've been kinda busy. But I have to write about this. Last night was the first night I got to get away from family (here in Hawaii) and I went with a few new friends to the bar. Well the guy that picked me up to go to the bar lives far so someone that lives closer to me volunteered to take me home. Now this guy (that took me home) is not the most attractive guy but he was really funny, and cool to hang out with. Keep that in mind...So you know that although It was really cool it was not *perfect* (nothing ever is)
So the bar closes at 2am and we head out. I was not tired at all so after we dro off the other person that was getting a ride I make a comment about not being tired. Well I had a sweet tooth so we end up at Anna Millers and had coffee and I had Pie. Then we head out to take me home and we're talking about surfing, beaches, and camping on the beach. (at the time I could not recall ever being at a beach in the middle of the night) So I say That I had not been to the beach at night before. We keep driving and he says that when we are close to my aunties I need to give him directions. Well a little later I realize we are no where near my aunties. And I ask where we are. "Detour" he says. I'm thinking 'right...' so we keep driving and then turn left and park in this big parking lot. And get out. I don't know whats going on so I ask. He says "You said you weren't tired." 'Yeah', I reply. And he continues "and that you hadn't been to the beach at night..." So were were at the beach at like 345am. and we sat there until like 720am waiting for the sun to come up over Diamond Head...
Aside from the crappy sunrise (because of all the clouds in the sky you couldn't see anything.) the night was really freakin' cool.

So...whoa! My Life is moving so fast. Not really fast, acctually kinda slow. I'm getting on a plane on Friday. A plane going to Hawaii! Yay! I'm so excited.
I need to finish packing. So much to do and so little time to do it.

So, whoa! I'm so freakin tired right now. I've already put in 23 hours this week...Thats a lot for me.
Hmmm, I'm trying to think about something cool to write about, but the truth...hahaha...nothing really cool has happened to me since Saturday. I was so tired on Monday that I felt completely incompetent at most every thing I did that day. But I'm doing much better now. I actually got out of work early today! Yay!
And...He called me!

OKay so I lied...I didn't meet the guy I was gonna marry on Wednesday..hahaha.
I had a great night tonight (01.24.2004) good day, great night ...Once I got a fortune cookie that said "good to begin well, better to end well" I totally agree.

My body is so SORE right now. It feels good though. It's just like my chest and my legs.
Work was crazy this week. I swear I met the guy I'm gonna marry. I met him on Wednesday...He was totally perfect (for me). Too bad I don't have his number (or vice versa)
It was just that the whole time he was there he would look at me and smile (and once he even did a little wink) and when he left he was talking to me, like REALLY talking to me. God! Why do I let people like that walk away!??! I half thought of running after him when he walked out the door, but then I came back to reality and saw the line of people that had been waiting in line behind him. But he really talked to me, not just small chat. And when he left he smiled and didnt even turn his back to me until he was out the door, a little grin as he left.
I let him walk away...And all I have is his name...

"I'm so tired of being here,
Surpressed by all my childish fears...
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave,
'Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone,
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just to real,
There's just to much that time can not erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of you tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears...
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have...All of me..."

I Have have this note that he wrote me (so long ago), he said he would fight to keep me...That he would never let me just walk away...But I did walk away. He never fought for me.
God damn it! It's been so fucking long!
Eh! That song was on while I was driving home today. Guess that's why I was thinking this shit. The song makes me think of him...I'd swear they wrote it for me...hahaha. Oh well, enough of that. I need a nap. :)

So, I met a guy last night... and of course (with my luck) he's moving to New Mexico Friday. WTF is that? oh well...I couldn't have expceted too much anyways, right?

I'm at the library with Stina now...Gotta get shit done.

I went snow boarding on January 2nd! OMG it was so freakin awesome! hehehe, maybe I'll get to go again this weekend. I still gotta find a board though. We'll see.
Aywasy it was my first time boarding. I made four runs down (we were at Big Bear in California). By the time I was ready to start my fourth run I was so exhausted that I was thinking "why did I wanna go again?" but the whole day was so worth it. TC, Shawn, Houston, me. They said I did really good for my first time out.
I wanna go again so bad!!!!!!!!!!

Damn, I deleted my blog! Grrrr! anyways... so, Christmas has come and gone. Almost New Years now, I can't believe how fast time is going.

And how long it's been. I think that is the only think I dis-like about "the Holidays" a.k.a. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years...I tend to think about the past alot. Not that I try to, but my good Memories just freely flow in around this time of the year.

I used to keep count...of how long it had been. I guess it never really mattered. I keep dreaming about him, just lately. Now I wonder "what if".

Do you know how many times I have told my-self not to look back? And, do you know how many times I have looked back? No, nobody knows. Why? Because I don't tell them.

I don't tell them how much it hurts me to think of him, or how the slightest thing (his smell, spiked hair, Metallica, some foods) sends me this memory, of him, of what it was like to be with him.

So the point of the story? There isn't one...I guess. Or is there? I would tell people my problems but they would say to look at how long its been...I should be over it by now. And usually I am. But lately? I'm not right now. Ha! I was the same way last year around this time. I look at the last year of my life and I kinda went to shit with it. I don't want to be like this anymore. I just want to be happy...

I was happy with him, I was happy before so many things in my life changed. Everything is different now though.

Don't look back...

Christmas Eve and I'm sitting at home,
Wondering why I am sitting alone...
Wishing I had someone holding my hand,
These thoughts, alone, are making "Holidays" bland.

Looking up at the stars shining bright,
Thinking of You on this cold, lonely, winter night...
But You shouldn't be the one in my heart,
And still, every year, that's the hardest part.

How much longer will thoughts of you linger in my mind?
My "Un-Answered Prayer" from two years back in time,
And now all I wish is for those thoughts to fade
For those dreams with you to go away.

Faster than they fade each day,
Until finally they will still away.
Then maybe, looking at the stars shining bright,
IT won't be such a cold, lonely, winter night...
By: Jonya Repucci 12/24/2003

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all - A Good Night..."

yes....that is me alright. Hehehehe...
Happy Holidays Everybody...

BTW I graduated from the Academy on December 17th! (2003 of course)

My interview was this morning (December 4th). I think it went well. Very Well. Like They laughed at things I said and I didn't forget to say anything. I really wanna be out there.
Wow! i'm so freaking tired now, I clicked out of this window for two minutes and forgot what I was doing. It's because I'm talking to someone Cool. JJS :)
So yeah, Class is crazy...I'm pissed at myself for Wednesday night. I could have done so much better, but I just wasn't there (mentally). I can't do that shit...that's how people get hurt. I think I was just hella stressed...FINALS

I don't have much time to write...
Did you know that LAFitness (tries) charges $15 for a guest pass! Kinda BS...
So class is going great we had a burn at the Chandler training facility a about a week and a half ago. This Saturday we have one out in Tempe. :) I love burns...
I can't believe Thursday is Thanksgiving...
Tomorrow I am going out to Durango to let the Juvie kids have Thanksgiving...Something Buckeye fire is doing...
Speaking of, I got my letter Friday...
Wish me luck...

Mass Casualty day was so bad ass! My crew was first engine in and I was the Nozzleman so I got to pull the handline in!
I have a new Engine now...I'm on Engine 1! hehehe. It's cool. Well on Saturday WE were the first crew in and I found three victims...Tow Immediates and one Delayed. My Plugman and Engineer took out the first immediate and the delayed patient. My Crew's Captain and I kept searching our floor of the building. When We got around to the South east side of the floor I found another Immediate Patient, so the Captain and I took him out.
It was SO much FUN!

Damn, I haven't written in almost a month. Wow. I've been freakin busy!
Academy is going freakin awesome. Tomorrow is Mass Casualty day. It's gonna be bomb.

I'm testing right now. I hope I do good. I think I will. The written is this weekend.
Lets see. since the last time I wrote....Halloween happened!!!!!!!! Bomb ass party the weekend before at Houstons. So much fun. I met a guy there, Robert, He's cool. I like him.

I'm totally sure that Houston doesn't like me like that. Don't really need to say why, but it's cool cause he's awesome and all but he probably makes a better friend than boyfriend and all. I guess.

Tony called me Monday...and again on Friday. Crazy huh? hehehe.
So...out of them all I like Robert the most. For now at least.

So this thing with Houston, it'd never work. Both of us being in the Academy together, It'd be kinda tough, I don't know, tough to explain to people that don't understand the class and how much it takes out of you and how much time it takes up.

I'm not crazy I'm just a little un-well, I know right now you can't tell. Just stay a while and maybe then you'll see...a different side of me...

So I don't know if it means anything but I talked to Houston last night. He called my phone and was like "did you call?" and I say "yeah a few people from my class are hanging out..." and proceed to invite him. Then he asks if I sent him a text message. I say 'no, just the one last week about thanks for the gas' and he says "oh, someone sent me one saying 'I'll call you tomorrow' " I laugh, "No, it wasn't me" I say, then proceed to say "But I will if you want" and he chuckes and says "right on"

So now I wonder....

Today I'm doing a 24 hour shift. Shibby!
Today I feel like it won't be long...I swear I can feel it coming.

And I don't want the World to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand...When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...

There is a guy that I like...but I think if I ever had a chance with him I blew it big time on saturday night. His name is Houston *sigh* yeah, I'm sure I fucked it up. A bunch of us were meeting at my house so we could all go to a party. and I started drinking as soon as I got home from class (at 630pm) people we're meeting at my house at 845pm...so Ron and I are drinking and I'm trying to keep up to Ron. Then Houston gets to my house and I (wanna show off) so I bust out the Jose Cuervo and start doing shots...by 9pm I've had 6 beers and 5 shots. Then we go to the party. I have one more beer on the way and then we get there. I have a corona at the party and end up falling ( I swear I was pushed) into the pool. Freeze my Ass off! and then BLANK I remember waking up with my head in a trash can and I remember laying in the back of a big car (I thought it was a truck but it was a Suburban) Then I remember waking up in my bathroom at home.

I haven't had a Hangover since I was a junior in high school...that was almost 5 years ago (cause it was New Years Eve my junior year)

So yeah, I think IF I ever did have a chance with Houston, I don't anymore. Shitty feeling cuz he's a freakin awesome guy.

We talked about stress in class last night. Firefighter is rated the #3 most stressful job in the US (#1 being President and #2 the CEO of a large Company) I can see how too...I heard a great analogy for it last night.

"it's like every shift you are there walking around with your basket and all day long you pick up rocks and put them in this basket then at the end of your shift you dump the rocks out of your basket and take the basket home. Well one day you go to dump out your basket and one of those rocks doesn't come out so you take it home with you. And this keeps happening until you get to the one day where you go to dump out the basket and none of the rocks come out."

My life has a lot of stress lately...and my rocks are building up, soon enough its gonna start hurting me.

I have a black eye - I haven't had one since I was 7- I don't know where it came from either...

Okay, Saturday was SO Freakin' bad ass!!!!!!!!!!
I do have a bruise on my arm from ladder bails, but it was so much fun! I was kinda worried about the Denver drill, but I did really good (or so I was told) at it. I felt good about it.
Since then here'e what's happened to me... went out with TC Saturday night, Went and drilled on Sunday at the station (we drilled from 11-3ish) Talk about being in pain (after a night out). Then We BBQ-ed at the station, that was sweet! after that TC, Edgar, Matt, and I went to the Lake. *shibby* Got stuck for 2 hours *fuck-a-roo* got out on our own *sweet* went home, slept, worked Monday til 1, hung out with Lani til Class, Went and took my quiz (85% :-p ) Went to class, went home and...TONY CAME OVER!!! YAY! it was so awesome, even though there is nothing to do at my house. It totally made my day to have him over. :) Today I haven't done hardly anything. I went to lunch with my little sister :) I can't believe she's in 8th grade! holy crap....

Oh Geez! I saw *Tony* tonight!!! totally made my night. :-) He came by my work to see me! *sigh* I miss lani :( Dunno when she'll be home. It's okay I'll be busy this weekend.
Tomorrow -> Ladder Bails (hell yeah!), Repelling from windows using just a tool and some rope (I'm told) and The Denver Drill (kinda worried...everyone says it's tough)
Remember the guy from my last 'blog'? Yeah...I saw him today. *so hot*
Gotta go now. Wish me luck at jumping out of windows tomorrow! (ladder bails)

So I'm at the computer lab at the college. I think I come here hoping that I'll meet more people than I meet in class (because those guys are off limits) but really all the guys in here are either fat, or hella ugly, or nerds, or just not my type...Really kinda sad. Guess I am way off in my thinking of "how to meet guys"So last night I'm at applebees and I kinda realize something: The Guys that dress like the punk/skater/plays the guitar/ with the belt with metal studs and sagging corduroy and the beater (a.k.a 'wife beater') shirts....yeah, I like those guys. For some reason I find them totally attractive. Fuck if I know!
I think lately any guy that I come across that I would usually only find remotely attractive, now I find them hot. Well this guy last night. I've run into him before (a lot) and I totally thought he was hot before, but now...so lonely/been so long...I'd be all over that shit in a heart beat! hahhaa. But I dont want that kind of relationship, and I'm almost sure the type fo guy he is- he's not looking for what I am. You know?

Someone in my class told me I did really good at the 2 1/2 inch stand-pipe...It was my first time and I wasn't really sure how I did...I'm glad someone is telling people that I did good. Because the guy I found out from said one of the other guys had told him. *cheesy grin*

Tomorrow is "Hose Lays" in class. I'm glad, I totally need work on my hose lays, the first time I ever pulled hose off the truck (Wednesday night in class) I ate asphalt...only two people in my class bit it. Me and Nick.
I love this class so much. We are starting to come together more. I hang out a lot with the other 03-03 class. So much fun.
My week hasn't been as good as I want it though. I'm totally stressed out this week, and it's been hard for me. My ankles are Cankles...Dr says it might be an allergic reaction...To what? I dont know. My sister needs help, and I don't know what to do...Between Work, School, and her I have my hands full. I feel like everything is gonna be different now...It's just begun too.

It's September 11th...I remember where I was two years ago today. Crazy how shit happens
I just re-took the death test (because I was talking to some guys from the Op's class about it last night) let's see what I got...
December 27, 2047 at 64 years old...at least I'll never have to renew my drivers license...it doesn't expire until April 10th, 2048
Here are the things I'll most likely die from: Cancer - (16%), Heart Attack (15%), Alcoholism (13%), Drowning (13%), Alien Abduction (11%), Third Degree Burns (5%), Suicide (5%), Homicide (5%)
Interesting. The part about the Third degree burns bothers me a bit. That wasn't on there the last time I took the test.

So I'm sitting at the college right now, praying that I'll meet the man of my dreams here. Yeah, not happening. I see all kinds of other people though. Last time saw a girl I used to swim with, my Ex (that I dated for 3 years) his best friend (who I also used to hang out with) and this time I saw a guy I used to swim with...
Can't I just meet a good looking guy here?

Hmmm, I wrote a whole "blog" out then Accidentally deleted it. Damn it.
Well the academy is going great. (I just ran into my Ex at the college) My class (03-04) is the ArchAngels *get-er-Dun!* I hang out alot with the other Monday/Wednesday class (03-03: Franklin Brawlers *21 Strong*) Both groups are freakin awesome! I love the class.
This Saturday is Extrication Day...which means we do the traditional *Extrication Day BBQ* hella cool. :) Dude...this class rocks. *for those of you who know me...I really hope that some Saturday you'll come out and watch us drill, and take some pic's!!!!!!!!! I've been taking a hell of a lot of pics!!!!!!!!! *Shibby!*

-> Now a bit off topic: I love reading my old blogs...It's crazy to see/remember exactly what I was thinking like a year (almost) ago...:)

It's Friday!!!!!!! Somehow for me that doesn't sound as good as it does to everyone else...I'll explain. ->I don't have a weekend! For some this is a four day weekend, me I get Sunday off. I even go to school on Monday (labor day!) BUt I'm not complaining (really!) I go to school on Saturday...all day. Wake up at 5am, be there by 645am, stay until...they let us go home (probably not until after 6pm) But I love it. I'll probably Die on Saturday...*shakes head* a lot harder than most people think. They are gonna try to get us a 110' ladder (that's the equivalent of an 11 story building), also they said for our Search and rescue drill the place we are going has smoke....Sweet! even though I don't quite know what it means, I know it means we won't be able to see.
I'm on Engine 5! hehhe, 5 is me!

I had the best day....and some how it was bad too. My kitty (that I've had since I was 3) died today. :( But *sigh* theres Tony :)

It's Monday again...hehehe that just made me think "looks like someone has a case of the Mondays" I don't , by the way, have a case of the Mondays. I'm having a good day. I started my Fire Op's 1-2 class on Saturday...I was SO nervous on Friday night. I went to bed at like 11, and woke up...felt so good, thought my alarm would be going off any second...looked at the clock...1am! thought "shit, I still have to sleep more!" fell back asleep, woke up again thinking my alarm would be going off any second. turned on my phone and it was like 3:27am! Son of a B**ch! I couldn't fall back asleep until after 4am. Then I slept until the alarm went off. :) Nice...
The class was great. 03-04! Yeah! Monday/Wednesday group got to go through the skills course first. Thank God! because the Tuesday/Thursday group had to do it after lunch. Yuck...I'd have puked for sure (instead of just swallowing it). First they split us into Engine companies. I was on Engine 8! (Yay Engine 8!) and we did turnout races. My Engine took 2nd! Pretty good out of 8 huh? Then the instructors took us around the course. Engine 8 stayed turned out the longest! (or so I was told) It looked like we did.
I totally overheated in the Burn Tower. When We got done with that they let our engine go to Rehab and I felt like shit because I thought I did really bad in the burn tower, but one of the lab techs said "if it makes you feel better there were more people sitting in re-hab than finished the course" It did make me feel better because engine 8 finished the course. After being in re-hab for a little while we pulled some huge ass tires, "opened" fake hydrants, pulled the tires again, pulled some weights up by rope, and went through the burn tower again. A few Lab Techs told me I kicked ass out there...I hope they were right. I have class in like 5 hours.

Well, Friday night went great. I did get hit on by a hot guy! I'm not sure if it was more that I hit on him and he was just cool with it or what. I don't know, and really I don't care...Because (hahaha, always a "because") on Saturday I went to a party and met the hottest guy in the city of Glendale! And he actually asked for my number. Then He called me like two hours after the party (before I went to bed) and said he was gonna call me on Sunday...AND He DID! but unfortunately I was taking a nap and I didn't hear my phone ring :( so he left a message...But he left a message. Is that bad ass (like good) or what.

I went hiking/ running (3MI trails) Friday: 530am, Saturday: 530pm, Sunday: 6pm, this morning: 530am, and I go again at 630pm. Hopefully the extra stress works me hard so Saturday (First day of my Firefighter 1-2) doesn't kick my ass too hard. I wake up every day with a knot in my stomach now because class is getting so close. I've got all these emotions. *excited!, nervous...* it's doing wonders (not really) for my sleep schedual.
Hopefully Tony calls me tonight. *sigh* hahahha

So, it's Friday night...The highlight of my night tonight is...McDuffy's with some of the Cadets, in fact I just got the call to go. So I'm off! Wish me luck (that I get hit on by a hot guy! hahaha)

So, my day has been interesting. Even my mom says I need a boyfriend. My God! I feel so lame. I have a meeting with the Cadets in like almost an hour, and here I am sitting at the library. *highlight of my day!* I didn't really have much to write today. I wrote christina a letter last night. :) Hopefully she gets it, I dont know if she ever got my last one. Well, time to go to the meeting, I gotta go home and change.

It's been a long time since I wrote last...I start my Firefighter 1-2 in 10 days, my God 10 days!

So here's whats going on in my mind: I just got a copy of a letter that my best friend sent to my other best friend. Everything in that letter I knew already (about Pat being a cheating, lying, Bitch! *I hope he reads this so he knows what he is!*) Now I'm just pissed off. I wish I could make her see what I see. She's so much better than almost anyone out there and he treats her like dirt. I don't know what to say to her. :( I feel so helpless. I'v ecome across hard things with guys in my life, been treated like shit...been handled like trash. But as much as it hurt to leave I knew it would only get worse if I stayed. I can't make her see that The words I want her to hear never come out of my mouth. Too afraid...afraid that I'm gonna hurt her (by saying it) more than he is (by doing it), afraid that she might get mad at me and not want to talk to me again. reading the letter she sent me all I could think about was how much he deserves to get his ass kicked, and how much I would love to be the one to do it. She was telling something about a fight they'd had...I was just sitting here thinking that if a guy would have said that to me I would be bawling my ass off. Then I wondered if she'd cried...he deserves a lot worse than a beating if he made her cry. Then I wondered if she didn't cry...I don't want him to make her numb...numb to life, live, pain, joy...I just want her happy. I wonder if she's happy still with him. I wonder if there is ever a time when she's with him that she thinks "God, I still love him" and smiles to herself because of his company...It makes me want to vomit thinking that there is still something in him that might please her. But I am not her. I don't know what she is thinking or feeling. I'm not there in the room next to her anymore, and I cant walk out my door 10 steps and see the look on her face. Because If I could then I would know all the things I don't right now. I hurt thinking about what he's done to her...what he's still doing to her? *sigh* I wish I knew, and i wish I had the strength to say what I think. I guess I'm afraid that she wouldn't listen either...

Well, I don't have much to write really. I'm just kinda bored. I'm at my moms office. *ugh* I think my brain will explode from boredom.
Last Saturday I went to Mexico! Puerto Penasco ( I think I spelled it right)! Dude It was bad ass!!! It was Jo, Derek & I. That was really fun. :) We spent the night up there and it only cost us $35 for our room. Sweet huh?

It's 4:32am, in less than one hour I'll be at Thunderbird Mountain doing PT to get ready for my Fire Operations class.
You know I was thinking earlier ....I feel lonley sometimes. It's almost been the whole summer, my first summer in six years without a boyfriend. I know I won't have one by the end of the summer, I'm sure I won't have one during my Fire Op's class...Not enough time *unless he cared enough to make the time for me, I haven't had a guy do that in a long time. I joke that it's about the sex, but it's not really that (maybe a little hehehehe) I guess someone to be around. A good friend, I have a good *guy* friend right now, but this is the last weekend I'll spend with him ("spend" is such a, I dunno, seems like it's a strong feeling word, but it's not like that for him & me, just friends =p)
It's okay. I've got the guys...and I want to start running with Jay and Chewy (so if you are reading this you better call me!) time to go get ready for PT. wish me luck...

Well, Yesterday was Awesome!
I picked up my Turnouts for my Fire Op's 1-2 class starting in the fall. I can't believe it. *sigh* okay, so right now I'm at the UofA waiting for my friend Derek to take this freakin math test. I have to go now though. but go take my quiz :-p
What do you really think of me?

wish me luck...

Holy crap it's been almost a month since I have posted!!! A lot has happened since then. The pool was going great, I was coaching 7 & 8 year old swim team with Derek and our kids loved us. We were the best coaches there. BUT...Some people had other plans I guess. Sunday night I went to Denny's with Derek and we ended up throwing up all night long (FUCK DENNY'S!) So anyways I finally fell asleep around 6:30am...needless to say at 7:30 when my alarm went off I didn't hear it. So when I woke up at 10am and finally called in, people were pissed. I no longer have a job, adn life is well...shit. I don't know what to do. I haven't told my mom yet. She's gonna be pissed, and I'd rather her not know until I have a new job.
So my goal tomorrow...to find a new job. Wish me luck. Breathe Deep...

Muuu-ahhahaha!
Don't ask, I totally felt like saying that though. I'm having a great day! Worked for 2.5(ish) hours, got some good food while I was there (FREE FOOD!!!!), got an Xbox (boo-yah!) and a few nice games...and my favorite Xbox game. Lani and I have been laying Xbox since 7pm, and it's 11:52 now...hahaha. Jo is all over "Munches Oddesy"! nice!!! And some friends are coming over to hang out and watch a movie! shibby! well back to video games!

Damn dude! work was short today :) 8am-11am...no swim team, but check this shit! I got in trouble for playing sharks and minnows with my class, what kind of CRAP is that.
Anyways, we (Jessica, Jason, Derek, and I) went out to lunch after work. Yummy. Derek is a stud, and I had told that to Jason last week some time, I guess he told Derek on Sunday when they were vaccuming the pool and today at lunch Jason goes "Derek I told Jonya that I told you on Sunday"...Yeah so both of us turn totally red. nice...

been a while since I've written, I guess because my life has been fairly un-eventful. Too bad so sad...
I dunno what's wrong with me...
Beating myself up with old memories...Michael's Bro and sister-in-law called me tonight...Shon sounds so much like Michael sometimes. my knees got weak, like I was afraid of something when I heard Shon in the background. Usually I'm pretty good about that shit, but when I was talking to them (Shon & Becky) it was like "Old Times". Like they were all excited about my fire fighter stuff and Shon said that maybe he'll help out with my class.
They we're my family...
and he took it all away and I really miss them. I feel like crying right now.

I'm crying out for help right now...but theres nothing that can be done. What can anyone do for me? Sit and listen to me ramble on about my pain. No. I don't need that kind of help. I don't need the kind of help that drags others into my pit. So I keep myself busy 24/7 so it's easy to ignore stupid shit that I dont need to remember. Nothing wrong with that, it helps, right? yes...it does. My mind is calling out for someone to just sit with me, but my mouth never says the words, no matter how much I need it.

hehehe...I got kissed on Monday! YAY!
Why the big deal you may ask? uhhh...because I say so that's why! Nah, I think he's a great guy...and we could do some cool things together. It's just that no one has kissed me in a REALLY long time. So it totally made me feel good. (plus he's really hot! hehehe)
Tuesday: Work at pool (0800-1300) and work on AR155 (1300-2200) we had dinner at 151 (*grin* I love that station!) There was the two engines (8 guys total) plus us (3 of us) and then a Rescue (2 more guys) So many people, it was great! At ten went and played Halo at Jay's...*Nice* I was so close (in one game) to Matt's # of kills...But *ugh* I kept dying...So I lost.
WednesdayWork at the pool (0800-1300) Then...didn't do SHIT all day long. :(
tomorrow I have drivers training at 6am! *ugh* and I think it goes until 5pm *double UGH*
I feel like playing video games...

So...I took that sex test again at www.thespark.com...definetly a different answer this time! here it is! ->
Congrats! In your life, you'll have sex with
35 people!
Including the __you've already had sex with,
that makes __new lovers! You are 49% sexy.
That's a lot of fucking (hehehe, no pun intended) people. I don't think I like the sound of that. hmmmm. But I am 49% sexy! nice. :-p....
so, uh, Haaaaayyyyy baaabbyyy! *wink wink* How you doin' ?
here's the rest of what it says:
0 of them will be female
__ of them will be male
And you will actually love 1 of them!
You have an untapped source of sexual energy.
always good to know. ~5~